Today’s meditation was… non-existent. I’m running on about two and a half hours of sleep at the moment, and any lying down or inactively sitting still I do is going to result in me falling asleep. Because of that, there was no way that I could do my meditation this morning, and I couldn’t do it in the car because the weather and roads were so bad today that even when I wasn’t driving, J needed the help in keeping an eye out for issues.
I will try to meditate when I lie down for bed tonight, though. If I fall asleep then, at least it’ll be safe and that sleep won’t be cutting into anything important.
This is 100% about how I feel today. It’s about the drop, and it’s about our issues last night, and it’s about how I feel on the inside.
I don’t want anything to do with what happened yesterday. And after last night? I don’t want anything to do with the drop either. Not that the drop is ever pleasant to begin with, but… yeah.
Today’s cards have appeared to force me to confront that want to hide away and retreat, and a reminder that what we have is worth fighting for and holding onto, even when all I really want to do is retreat into my shell and hunker down in there out of sight.
DECK USED: THE EFFLORESCENT TAROT (COLOR EDITION)
#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question: How can I make space for that joy this year? (From yesterday’s cards.)
Reading Summary: I need to better balance my needs (Justice card) with my constant quest to know more (Page of Swords) and doing better in those things that foster my sense of security (Page of Pentacles).
Take Away: I always prioritize the whole “learning more and doing better” thing when it comes to how I manage my time, and that includes time spent in my relationship with you. I work hard to obtain and hold onto security and stability in my life both financially and in my home, and that is where a huge amount of my focus lies.
Expressing dominance in our relationship (which is the joy that yesterday’s reading was about) takes a significant amount of energy and effort, even when that need rises to a point it can’t be ignored. That energy and effort over the past year has been channeled into my work and fostering that stability instead of being expressed through our relationship.
Today’s cards indicate that I need to find a better balance between those material demands (and the knowledge gathering they require) and the facet of our relationship that allows me to express those more dominant urges.
DECK USED: THE ARCANA TAROT BY HYDRA-NIX
#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: What concession can you make to provide for yesterday’s inner child craving?
Reading Summary: I need to look into and explore (Page of Swords) a better way of getting to those natural places I crave (The Chariot) rather than dispairing that I can’t reach them (Nine of Swords). If I make some changes (Death), I’ll find myself much happier with what I have afterward (Nine of Cups).
Take Away: Yesterday’s read was about getting out in nature more, even when it’s frigidly cold, as it is right now. The cards in today’s reading are about finding better ways to access nature so that I can spend the time I need there to feel good and right with the world. I need to explore alternative ways to get where I want (and need) to be. Maybe I should look into something like a snowmobile rental or some sort of ATV use for this time of year so that I can get out to those remote spots more easily when the temperatures are so low that hiking isn’t an option.
DECK USED: FOREST CREATURES TAROT
Question: What could help my daily organization?
Reading Summary: I need to be kinder to myself (Amicka) and stop presenting the image that I have it all together (Six of Staves) when in truth I’m a bit lost in the weeds (The Moon).
Take Away: Okay so firstly? This deck needs to be moved over into my shadow work decks. Because… Jesus. Just sayin’. But this is the second time the imagery has jerked me into some pretty intense reactions…. and the second time I have used the deck. (I just bought it earlier this month.) I’m going to continue to use it through the end of the month as a regular deck, but I have a feeling it’s just too hard-hitting for “everyday” use.
So, that out of the way… I am very skilled at being extremely hard on myself. I’ve had a lifetime of practice with a spectacular teacher who was very skilled at making you feel that you aren’t good enough. This tendency means that I often present a “everything is perfectly fine” front even when it’s not. If I want to find a better way of organizing my daily life? I’m going to have to let go of both that tendency to tear myself apart and the tendency to pretend everything is okay, because I need to be able to let others in to help me when i start to feel lost and overwhelmed.