Today’s meditation was non-existent. That is because I decided to sleep in. I’ve been feeling really drained lately, and the majority of my sleep last night was that deep kind of sleep that feels like it didn’t happen? You know… you put your head down on the pillow and sleep for 6 hours, but it feels like you only had your eyes closed for five minutes. That kind of sleep. So, since I didn’t have to be at the farm this morning, I rolled over and gave Miss Luna a few pets then burrowed in and went back to sleep.
I’ll meditate before bed tonight.
The cards in today’s draw are an indication that there is a need for stability in my pursuits. A need to take my time in exploring my direction, my interests, and my passions. I need to take it slow, one step at a time, and just persevere the pace.
This was something we spoke on earlier briefly in our scab rending, yeah? The need to stop trying to focus on “all that needs done” and instead work at it one small, simple step at a time. I will be taking my ideas notebook with me when I go to mom’s next week and I’m going to be using the back of it to list off those small steps so that I can begin working through them once I return home.
DECK USED: SPACIOUS TAROT
#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question: What seeds have I already planted this year that will benefit me?
Reading Summary: The examination of my addictions (The Devil) and how they affect different aspects of my life (Six of Swords) in order to take better control of the situation (The Emperor).
Take Away: I have an addictive personality, and just about anything I enjoy has the potential to become an addiction that can then spiral out of control. I have to be very careful and watchful at all times of my actions to make sure that doesn’t happen. Sometimes? It happens anyway. One of the things I have begun adjusting with the new year (and will be setting intentions on during Imbolc this year) is finding a better balance between a few of those addictions (deck spending, baked goods and candy, etc) and the realities of everyday life and my well-being. It’s not that I’ve screwed myself over in any of these areas, but rather that I feel a little more control is necessary to keep it that way.
DECK USED: CAT’S EYE TAROT
#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: Ask the cards to tell you about something funny that will make you smile.
Reading Summary: My mother thinks everything is dandy (Ten of Cups) and she has all of her ducks in a row (Eight of Pentacles), but she’s about to discover shit’s about to hit the fan (The Tower) and she’s going to have to start over building up all that “social credit” that she’s been working at for so long (Page of Cups).
Take Away: Okay so…. this does make me smile, but it also makes me sad. The cards indicate that my mother is not going to heed my warnings about trying to set me up with one of her social club “eligibles”. She is very much of the opinion if I date one of her friend’s sons, it will somehow boost her prestige in her social group.
I warned her that I’ve been in a relationship for nearly twelve years, and I’ve told her numerous times that she’s being disrespectful and to stop… and then the last time, warned her if she didn’t stop I would make sorry. It looks like, from these cards, that is definitely going to end up happening.
This makes me mad because… it’s my mother and apparently the only time it’s okay that I’m not a testosterone driven straight man is when it can benefit her. It’s about respect, and the lack thereof.
It makes me sad because… it’s my mother, and if I am pushed to going through with my threat, it’s going to hurt her. That said? I’ve had enough, and if this is what it takes to make her stop, then that’s what’s going to happen.
It makes me smile because… It’s going to be fun. Honestly. I’ve wanted to snub my nose at all that prestige and country club snobbery for decades. I can’t say that I’m not going to enjoy doing it if it comes down to that.
DECK USED: VINDUR TAROT
Question: How can I accept help from others?
Reading Summary: Let go of rigidity (The Fool) and allow myself to accept that sometimes I need help making difficult decisions (Two of Swords) and that seeking council from others isn’t a bad thing (The Hierophant).
Take Away: This is pretty clear cut and has been a topic that has come up a lot lately, although I think the talk we had earlier today will help a bit in this specific reoccurring theme. I’ve been avoiding reaching out and getting help with what’s been going on with me, and as you noticed earlier, it’s pretty much been eating me alive from the inside.
Thank you for demanding I give you a chance to poke at the wounds and tear off the scars, and for helping me through the emotional outburst that was involved in doing that. Now… I just need to remember to reach out again… and again… and again.