Stop Stalling

Today’s meditation was just over fourteen minutes long and I tried another of those “contacting your spirit guides” meditations on YouTube.   This one was better than the last one, but… not by much.   I think it would have been okay for me if it wasn’t for the occasional operatic singer “voices of the angels style” in the background that kept making my shoulder spasm.

I wish I could find something with a soothing voice and a more natural background sound.  All the new-age synthetics is really annoying to me.

Eight of Wands - Spacious TarotToday’s draw is the Eight of Wands, which feels like a reiteration of yesterday’s challenge prompts.    That is to say that the one of the most common traditional meanings of the Eight of Wands is swift action.

In yesterday’s card of the day and prompts, it dealt with the stymie of being stuck on how to move forward on multiple levels after the break and breather I took following the holiday rush.   The advice was that movement is needed, but that I need to take it one step at a time.

Today’s card is essentially saying “come on, get off your ass and start moving already”.

DECK USED:  SPACIOUS TAROT

#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question
: What obstacle can I anticipate over the next 12 months?

Fey Tarot

Reading Summary:  I need to make sure that I don’t trip over my own pride (Five of Swords), that could hinder my emotional development (Queen of Chalices).  This year is going to have a lot of ups and downs along the way (Wheel of Fortune) and I will need that new level of emotional depth and developing stability in order to help me through the rough parts.

Take Away:  This year’s birth card for me, as mentioned before, is the Wheel of Fortune.  And I fully expect that, as promised, the year is going to be chock-full of ups and downs. The cards in relation to it are a warning that pride becomes before the fall.  If I want to find that balance and development I’m seeking this year concerning the new depth of emotions I began to tap into last fall, I need to cast aside my pride and be open to some difficult lessons along the way.

DECK USED:  FEY TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question
: What do I need to focus on for self care during this full moon?

Tarot Cats

Reading Summary:  I’m feeling especially unfocused (Knight of Swords) and need to let go of my defense mechanisms (Nine of Wands) concerning the new level of emotions I’ve been dealing with (Ace of Cups).  Unless I’m willing to be open to them and share them, I won’t be able to move forward (Two of Wands).

Take Away:  That new level of emotional depth I started to discover and experience in the fall was set on the back burner for the holiday rush.  Now that the rush is over, it’s trying to shift itself back into place and towards the surface, but I’ve been subconsciously resisting the shift.  It’s time to let go of that restraint and allow myself the freedom to explore so that I can move forward with learning how to adjust to and live with this new depth rather than trying to ignore it or push it away.

DECK USED:  TAROT CATS

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge Prompt
Question
: What makes a completed goal?

Field TarotReading Summary:  The satisfaction (King of Cups) of my curiosity (Princess of Swords). I then need time to take a break (Eight of Cups) and release the tight grip on my burdens (Ten of Wands) while assessing my performance and its end results (Judgement).

Take Away:  To feel a goal has been completed, I need to feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that my curiosities have been fully sated and there’s nothing more to be done.  I then need time to take a break and a breather away from what I’ve been working on to relieve any burnout I’ve been experiencing and give me time to release my sense of being burdened or overwhelmed.  During this time, it is important for me to assess my performance and its end results in order for me to feel as if my goal has truly been met and I can then set aside the drive to get there and “get it right”.

DECK USED:  THE FIELD TAROT

 

A Letter to Mother

A letter I will never deliver, but… needed to get out of my system somehow.

rain

Dear Mère

I am hurting, and you don’t care. You are the perpetrator, and… you don’t care.

When I was growing up, and even as an adult before dad passed away, I saw you as warm and caring. I saw you as a wonderful and supportive mother. I was blind to, and amused by, your frivolous antics and society focused views. Your constant desire to have us look our best and present at our best was simply a part of your motherly charms.

And then father died, and you seemed to drop the charade that I didn’t even realize you were performing. You became clear about your disgust concerning my orientation, where before you had seemed supportive in contrast to father’s constant berating. You stopped trying to conceal your shallow and self-centered interests and goals behind a motherly façade.

Perhaps we are at fault for perpetuating your behavior. After all, in our home your children’s birthdays are not celebrated. Instead, those birthdays are another “Mother’s Day” with the focus upon you and the life you have given to us. Father left decisions up to you, because he was focused upon appearances as well, and you made certain he was pleased with how others viewed our family, even after I emancipated from it in my teens.

I now realize that the pagan parenting mentor you sought out when we were children wasn’t because you wanted to find a better path to integrate your faith into your children’s lives… but because you wanted to be less involved, and you treated Z like a nanny, handing us over to her so that you could wash your hands of the heavy lifting. I now realize that it was Z that raised me through that second half of my childhood, and Z that taught me about values, ethics, and morals… whereas what you taught me was about social mores, with a heavy stress on the “social” part of that equation.

I have realized very clearly of late that our value to you is based upon what we can do for you. The dance classes, the etiquette lessons, the constant pressure to look “presentable” and “perfect” whenever we might be seen by others either outside the home or within it. It wasn’t for our benefit as you so very carefully had us believe. We were rare and beautiful trinkets to be shown off and admired by all. A set of beautiful, exotic looking twins that were both loyal and well mannered no matter the occasion of situation. A social stepping stone to elevate you above others.

But we are no longer children, mother. We are not pawns in your game of life to be positioned at your whim. L and I are not toys to strategically maneuver into place for your social or economical benefit.

Please stop.

Stop trying to show us off to your cocktail party friends, country club acquaintances, and foundation associates. Stop pressuring L to move back in with you so she will be more available to be manipulated and used to your benefit whenever you desire to do so.

And for fuck sake, STOP trying to pressure and blackmail me into going on dates with “the eligibles” of your circle in the hopes for a “good match”. A match that would only be good for you and you alone. I’m with someone. I have been with him for nearly twelve years. I’m not going to leave him (or betray him) just because he’s of no use to you.

Honestly? I don’t even know why you’re trying. After the way you reacted when I was attacked and obtained my facial scar, I was sure this shit was over where I was concerned.

The next time you spring another “date” on me, I will make such an embarrassment out of you that you won’t be able to show your face among your circle again without being snickered at and mocked. Do not give out my phone number. Do not send people to my door. I’ve had enough.  (This part I have already clearly communicated to you, and I really hope that you were listening.)

I love you. Despite your flaws and your selfishness. I love you, and I always will.

But it’s time to stop.

Your wayward son,

L