Random Stuff About Me

I swiped this from #millenniallifecrisis, who swiped it from something called “Vogue’s 73 Questions”. I thought it had some fun and interesting questions, so I decided to do it myself.

So here’s mine:

  1. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? Jonathan Brandis. Honestly? I never learned or knew a damn thing about the actor, but I was totally enamored with his character Lucas on SeaQuest DSV. Not only was he so very cute, but smart and empathetic as well. He’s also the only celebrity crush I’ve ever had.
  2. What is one thing you regret having done or not done in your life? Getting my degree. That said, I’m not entirely sure why I regret this when I’m happy with my life the way it is and wouldn’t be using it anyway. It just seems like a waste that all that time , effort, and money that didn’t come to any sort of fruition.
  3. Which parent do you identify with the most? I used to think my mother, but as I’ve gotten older and gotten to know my mother more and more after my father’s death, I’ve come to realize that I take after my father. The need for balance. The moral compass. I may not agree with his ideas and behavior on many things, but beneath those differences, there is a similar stubborn foundation.
  4. What do you think you cook or bake the best? Teriyaki sauce. Rice.
  5. If you could change your first name what would it be? Leaf.
  6. Can you hula hoop? I have no idea. I’ve never tried.
  7. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? When they cringe at my facial scar. I can handle the staring, but it bothers me when someone shirks from it, cringes, or grimaces.
  8. Have you considered running for president? HELL no.  
  9. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Balance. With creativity coming in at a very close second.
  10. Who are you most envious of—real or fictional—and why? I don’t really envy other people. Situations, sometimes. But not people.
  11. Where is the most beautiful place on earth and why? Northwestern Washington state. You have mountains, lakes, rivers, rainforests, beaches, the ocean and lots of inlets. Lots of green, lots of water, lots of nature, and lots of rain.
  12. Are ghosts real? Yes. 
  13. Are aliens real? Yes. It is statistically impossible that they don’t exist. Whether or not they fly space ships or are intelligent (by human standards)? That’s debatable.
  14. How old is the most expired item in your fridge? Good thing you asked about the fridge and not the freezer. The most expired item in my fridge is a tub of gochujang that expired in Oct 2018. 
  15. What are your favorite style of underwear? Boxer briefs.
  16. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? Mad World by Gary Jules and Michael Andrews. 
  17. How about the sweetest song? I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie. 
  18. Do you know how to play dominoes? I do not.
  19. What’s under your bed? Boxes of antique dishes. 
  20. Have you ever prank called someone? I don’t think so. 
  21. 100 kittens or 3 baby sloths? If it means I have to take care of them? Sloths. 100 vs 3… it’s all in the math. 
  22. Are you proud of what you’re doing with your heart and time right now? I am proud that my heart belongs to Gideon. I’m happy with how I spend most of my time.
  23. Why or why not? As for my time… I guess I could be doing more good for myself and others, but I could be doing a hell of a lot less good too. It’s a happy medium. As for Gideon… he’s amazing. Top to bottom, inside and out.
  24. How many bones have you broken? I’ve lost count, although to be fair I’ve ‘broken’ more joints than I have bones.
  25. Have you ever won anything? Big or small? I won $15 bucks at the casino yesterday.
  26. If you could buy one material thing, and money was not an issue, what would it be? A larger home (or the condo next door and renovate it and mine into one big condo). 
  27. What’s your favorite movie from your childhood? Escape to Witch Mountain
  28. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Sauerkraut.
  29. What’s the best way to comfort you when you’re having a really terrible day? Cuddles from my cat Luna and time with Gideon.
  30. Has anything/anyone every saved your life before? Yes.  
  31. Would you ever adopt a child? Under the right circumstances… yes. 
  32. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? I can’t think of anything.
  33. If you were a cake which cake would you be? Raspberry vanilla swirl.
  34. What is the most important material possession you have and why? Pluto (stuffed dog). 
  35. What is the most important memory you have and why? My sister and I comforting each other after our first day of school. It had been a crappy experience for both of us.
  36. When was the last time you cried? Three days ago.
  37. How old was your mother when she had you? 26
  38. Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? I can’t think of anyone. Fame really isn’t something I’m interested in being around. I guess I’d be open to a famous friend if I could be that secret refuge of normalcy for them, but otherwise? No thank you.
  39. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? I’m sure there are plenty of things I’d feel that way about if I could remember any of them.
  40. Have you been on your first date? Define “date”. *LOL* I have never been out on a “traditional date” (at least, not that I’m aware of) with the intention of it going anywhere besides a one night stand.
  41. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? I think they could get a pretty good idea of me from my literary RP with Gideon, maybe with additional access to my IM history.
  42. Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? Not entirely, no. Gid and I do have a good amount of synchronicity tho. And of course I run across writers now and then that I can agree with on certain topics or ideas.
  43. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Hell no. I would never take back any kiss I’ve given to him.
  44. Who would you like to see in concert? I’m not a concert person. Too loud and chaotic.
  45. What was the last concert you saw? Dave Matthews Band
  46. What was the last thing that made you laugh? A story about a friend of mine on a camping trip. 
  47. What are you craving right now? Ice cream.
  48. Have you ever been cheated on? No
  49. Do you believe in true love? Yes. 
  50. Favorite weather? Overcast and rainy… aka. gray days.
  51. Do you want to get married? Not really.
  52. What’s your favorite pasta dish? Chicken Florentine lasagna. 
  53. What color do you really want to dye your hair? I don’t.
  54. Are you a morning person? Hell no. 
  55. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Jer snores like a freight train when he’s drunk and I once used his gaping, snoring maw as target practice for my water pistol.
  56. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My sister. 
  57. What was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Spiders. And hell yes. 
  58. Think of a person. What song do you associate with them? I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab For Cutie
  59. What are some of your worst habits? Self-judgment and self-recrimination.
  60. Describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Very submissive and yet really wants to be seen by others (read everyone) as more dominant than they really are. Has a good heart, but is too much of a self-absorbed ass.
  61. Is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Fixing my mother’s CD burner drive on her PC.
  62. What’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Gideon enjoyed watching me splurge on a tarot deck the other day. I count this as done -for- me because his enjoyment made me feel good when he shared how he felt about it with me.
  63. Are you planning on getting tattoos? I have considered a small semicolon a few times, but no.
  64. List some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. The songs previously mentioned in this survey. Suicide is Painless by Johnny Mandel (music) and Michael Altman (lyrics). Knights In White Satin by the Moody Blues. One by Three Dog Night. Singularity by BTS. Now Is Good by Kim JaeJeong. I could go on for a long ass time on this one.
  65. If you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? Neither. There is nothing I would change, and I have no interest in looking ahead.
  66. What do you do when you’re sad? Sleep
  67. What are some things you do when you can’t sleep? Work on jewelry projects. Play games on my phone. Masturbate.
  68. Who is the last person you told a secret to? Gideon
  69. What’s the best piece of advice you ever received? Go read “The Dash” by Linda Ellis.
  70. What’s your favorite food? Vanilla Orange Swirl ice cream with Cheetos Puffs
  71. What’s your secret dream? Financial freedom.
  72. Do you have trust issues? Yes.
  73. Do you believe in soulmates? I didn’t until I met Gideon. Now? Yes.

Seeking Emotional Stability

Today’s meditation was done in a quiet room at Ms B’s and… I almost fell asleep. (Oops!)

The meditation today was fourteen minutes and thirty seven seconds, and focused addiction to thought.

That is, how we try to always give each thought that wanders through our head “it’s due” rather than sometimes just letting them go. This is especially relevant and noticeable during meditation, as it is during this time when the thoughts that intrude can be like the temptation of a curious path in the forest that leads away from the one you are already on.

People (myself included) follow their thoughts without even realizing it, addicted to the random paths, to fixing or resolving, to… thinking. Today’s meditation brings this tendency to light as a reminder that during one’s meditation practice (and other times when overwhelmed) setting aside thoughts, rather than following them, is healthy and beneficial.

The first card in today’s draw was the Six of Hearts. Hearts is a suit seated in emotions, family, relationships, and creativity. The six in this suit represents seeking answers and truths.

The second card in today’s draw is the Four of Hearts. This card…. is you. It is an indication of stability and shelter. Comfort. Home.

The cards are telling me that this lost and seeking feeling in my gut this morning is all about you. It’s time to come home. To my shelter. To my anchor. To you.

The cards are directing me to you.

Sensory Overload

I think I’ve figured it out. Or at least perhaps a part of it.

Whenever I come here to visit my mother, I have a negative reaction to the time here. It’s not anything she says to me. After all, she has the same judgmental litany of complaints to share whether it’s in person or over the phone.

It’s not the memories of Dad, or the unpleasant memories of living in this house, either. Yes, they are all there, and yes, sometimes they affect me… but something in this house has in the last handful of years caused my visits here to turn even more negative than normal.

And… I think I figured it out.

It’s the noise.

It’s the constant incessant noise. The floors are wood, and since Dad died, Mother doesn’t require the removal of shoes in the house anymore. The living room has a high ceiling and a few years ago, she had all the carpet removed and wood flooring installed.

The TV is always on. Even when it’s not, every step, every movement, every voice, every SOUND is amplified and echoes. There’s no softness to absorb any of it, as much of the wall art and softer furnishings have been sold off or given away since Dad’s death.

It’s hollow and loud. Even when closed off in a different room, you can hear everything, just at a lower decibel.

It is a constant barrage on the senses… all of the senses, in my case. Or, well, four out of five at any rate.

It’s not just exhausting, or irritating, but feels like some insidious sort of violence, secret and subtle that works it’s way in and leaves you raw.

Forgiveness

Today’s meditation was 14 minutes and 35 seconds and focused on compassion.

The meditation was about not just creating compassion and a sense of non-judgment and one’s practice during meditation, but also in one’s life as a whole.

This is something that I personally struggle with as I constantly feel that I am monitoring myself, and judging myself in order to improve upon myself and my actions from day today, our tower, and minute to minute.

When it comes to myself, I’m a harsh taskmaster. Today’s meditation is a reminder that I need to be a little bit kinder and more compassionate to myself.

When reading from a playing card deck, it is a different kind of conversation than when using a tarot deck.

The way I was taught, the least amount of cards needed for a reading with a playing card deck is two (as opposed to one, when using a tarot deck).

The first card indicates the subject while the second card is for guidance.

The first card in today’s draw is the Queen of Diamonds. Diamonds indicate the area of money, resources, power, education, or success. The Queen of this suit represents an energy, personality, or person related to those topics.

The second card in today’s draw is the Queen of Hearts. Hearts deal with the areas of emotions, family, relationships. The Queen in this suit represents a mothering, empathetic, and healing energy.

I believe that this reading is a direct reflection on yesterday’s, where I wasn’t being quite so kind to myself concerning my finances, and my current financial situation.

The cards are telling me that as harsh as I was about my spending, I also need to be kind to myself and forgiving.

I haven’t broken the bank. I’m not destitute. I’m not going to be losing my home, or even miss mortgage payment or fall behind on my bills. So it’s time to be forgiving and cut myself a little slack for my recent past behavior in this area.

Temptation and Distraction

Today’s meditation was 14 minutes and 11 seconds, and focused on observing your emotions without reacting to them.

This is not a new concept for me, as I do this quite often. Possibly as a part of my disassociation. I was often far more of an observer rather than a “experiencer” when it came to my emotions before you came along into my life. It was you that actually taught me to experience my emotions instead of just observing them from a distance.

I had a hard time staying focused in meditation today. Probably because I’m heading to moms this afternoon. Thoughts on preparation to get going kept intruding. I did set them aside and go back to my breath each time, but I feel like they held me back from getting the ease I needed today. I woke up with that knot of anxiety under my diaphragm again, and it’s still there.

Today’s draw is the 15th card of the Major Arcana, which is the Devil card… or the Shadowdance card, as it is called in the current deck.

Incidentally, I really like the re-title of this card in this deck. I think it really fits into the card as a whole, as well as the meaning behind it. That meaning, of course, is the temptation to go off-track.

This card is a representation of the distracting quality of things such as addiction, temporary pleasures, hedonistic pursuits, and pretty much all the things that just don’t really matter “in the long run” and pull you away from life’s responsibilities.

Today, this card is a warning.

During the past month of my depression, especially the last three weeks of it, I’ve been a little lax in my finances.

I’ve spent more on things than I should have because I was too lazy or distracted to find the better price. I’ve bought things that I could have waited on until I was more flush.

This card is a warning that it’s time to pay attention and get myself back in line concerning these issues. It’s telling me not to let a few mistakes tumble me off track into the seductive distraction of the dark woods, but rather keep in mind my responsibilities and act accordingly.

Out of Line

OK, before I do my meditation today, I need to get something off of my chest that’s been weighing on me all morning.

I was really out of line last night, and I am so sorry for it, and for hurting you.

Other than during the last year before coming back to me in full, you have always been the most selfless person I know when it comes to me. You always put me first, you always pay attention and watch closely, you always see so much more than I’m usually trying to show. You always push for what’s in my best interest.

To accuse you of trying to make something “all about you” was so grossly out of line. I don’t know why my temper flared like it did, but the words that came out of me… they were just wrong. On so many levels.

I’m so sorry. I hate that I said that to you. I hate that it will be there between us now and forever, no matter how much I wish I could take it back.

I love you.

Transcendence

Today’s meditation was twelve minutes and ten seconds, and focused on intruding thoughts during meditation and one’s reactions to them.

In this meditation you’re encouraged to notice the thoughts as they meander in and acknowledge them without reacting to them.

In my acknowledgment of my thoughts that wander into my brain while I’m in the middle of meditation, I notice that most of them are neutral daydream-type thoughts. Things like a mental image of the metal foot of a park bench resting against its concrete slab. Or a smiling face of someone I don’t recognize. They are nearly always visual in some way.

You are then encouraged to return your focus to the breath once you’ve acknowledged that the thought is there and set it aside.

Today’s meditation reminds me that this should be an accepted part of meditation. A part of the process. In the beginning, when I first started meditating, I used to get really frustrated with those thoughts that came in while I was trying to find my moment of peace. Sometimes, I still do. The subject of today’s meditation is a good reminder to look at these thoughts not as intrusions, but simply as a normal part of the experience.

Today’s draw is the Ten of Cups, which I find interesting because I’m drawing a lot of cups lately. Not just in my morning meditations, but also in my personal readings. This is fitting though, since I’m dealing with emotional issues and the suit of Cups is all about emotions, relationships, and creativity. The tenth card is a representation of endings, transcendence, or excess.

This card is telling me that I’m at the end, and that it’s time to rise above. It’s time to transcend back to the norm of every day life rather than clinging to the cloying tendrils of the depression.

I think sometimes I do that. Cling to the end as if somehow there is some sort of a surety there. A comfort there in the misery. Perhaps that is my self-destructive urges whispering in my ear? I’m not sure.

The Ten of Cups is telling me that I should not cling to those last subtle yet present vestiges, but instead let them go.

As is the nature of all endings, this card is also an indication that the promise of a new beginning is at hand just at the tips of my toes and waiting for my next step. I believe that with depression at my back that the new beginning is almost guaranteed to be brighter than where I am coming from.

Wrapping Things Up

Today’s meditation was 13 minutes and 53 seconds, and it focused on dealing with sounds during one’s meditation.

As you know, my crossed wires due to synesthesia often turn sounds into other sensations. This actually made today’s meditation quite interesting, because in meditation how do you focusing on the sounds around you. Not to judge them, or figure out what they are, or any of that. But rather, just to experience them and accept them as a part of your environment.

I enjoyed the experience. Like putting my earphones in and listening to music, It is like going on a journey of the senses filled with rich scents, flavors, and sensations without taking a single step.

That said, I’m not sure that it was really the meditation focused that I needed today. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, as I have for the past three days now. It’s this tight knot under my diaphragm that I can’t quite breathe away. Granted the last two days of meditation hadn’t really helped it either, so I don’t think trying something different really hurts anything.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Swords, which represents culmination, end results, and consequences in the area of thoughts, logic, communication, and challenges.

This card feels like it arrived a little early, and yet perhaps that’s why it’s here. It commiserate with the fact that I’ve been through the ringer, and tells me that things are starting to wrap up. It tells me that it’s time to take a deep breath and let the dust settle.

Sometimes things can’t end until you look through them one more time to learn lessons you would otherwise leave behind. It feels like this card is telling me it’s time to end my negative and self depreciating thoughts, and look back at my depression with compassion and acceptance. It’s time to prepare for stepping forward and past it.

So, perhaps this card is right on time after all. I am at the cusp of that deep dark hole and climbing out into the light. I can smell the fresh air. I can feel the light on my face.

I’m almost there and it’s time to be kind to myself, stop my self-recriminations, and set my mind to getting things back on track.

Stop Hiding

Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and three seconds, and focused on how to better except those things that we cannot change. Everything is temporary, especially with emotions. This includes depression.

Sometimes it’s too easy to judge emotions or events as good or bad. But sometimes it’s not about what’s in the moment, but how things flow over time and influence each other.

Perhaps my depression pulls me away from you and that feels bad… but perhaps also, in the long run, it brings us closer as well. You know me better because of it, and I trust you more because of it. So maybe we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover entirely.

Today I drew the Queen of Cups again, but I believe her message is different this time.

The Queen of Cups, as explained in a previous post, is a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person in the realm of emotions, creativity, or relationships.

I think she is telling me that I need to stop hesitating and worrying so much when it comes to my connection with you as I drag myself out of the black hole of my depression.

Depression is an ugly thing, and I really hate to show you my ugly sides. Or really, showing anyone my ugly sites. But especially you.

And so I hide. Not just because during the depression the outside world is overwhelming (thought it is), but also because I don’t want to subject you (or others) to the mess and the darkness.

The Queen of Cups is telling me that it’s time to stop hesitating to step out from that hiding place. I’m not sure if the hesitation is just about not showing you my ugly side, or a fear of rejection, or what it is exactly. But it is there.

She’s telling me that I don’t just need to be aware of that hesitation, but that I need to stop fostering it, stop hiding, and reach out to you. She is telling me to be strong and not let these fears and concerns hold me back from my connection with you.

The Light Ahead

Today’s meditation was eleven minutes and six seconds, and it focused on awareness.

This meditation was about keeping in mind that meditation isn’t goal oriented. Meditation is about being in the moment and being aware of those moments and all that it entails. It’s not just a peaceful quiet of nothingness, but also the awareness of those stray thoughts that come around, and the way you treat yourself as you bring yourself back to center when those stray thoughts pull you off track. It is about the entire experience, not about pushing yourself to perfection.

Today’s draw is the Star card, which is the 17th card in the Major Arcana.

In a tarot deck, the Major Arcana cards represent life changing events, as well as powerful energies, actions, and experiences that steer the path of ones life. They have a larger scope and depth than the other four suits of the deck, as they are not limited by the four elements and their corresponding meanings.

This card is a representation of guidance and healing. It is telling me that the road ahead is filled with hope and wonder if I am only willing to reach for it.

This card reminds me that the light ahead is bright, and not to look back at the darkness I’m leaving behind.

I really like this message, and I feel this is a good time for it to surface. I feel like I’m on the cusp of that deep dark pit that my depression sank me into. The climb out of the depths is not easy by any means, but the Star is a reminder to focus on the light and follow its warmth into something better ahead.