Today’s meditation was 14 minutes and 11 seconds, and focused on observing your emotions without reacting to them.
This is not a new concept for me, as I do this quite often. Possibly as a part of my disassociation. I was often far more of an observer rather than a “experiencer” when it came to my emotions before you came along into my life. It was you that actually taught me to experience my emotions instead of just observing them from a distance.
I had a hard time staying focused in meditation today. Probably because I’m heading to moms this afternoon. Thoughts on preparation to get going kept intruding. I did set them aside and go back to my breath each time, but I feel like they held me back from getting the ease I needed today. I woke up with that knot of anxiety under my diaphragm again, and it’s still there.
Today’s draw is the 15th card of the Major Arcana, which is the Devil card… or the Shadowdance card, as it is called in the current deck.
Incidentally, I really like the re-title of this card in this deck. I think it really fits into the card as a whole, as well as the meaning behind it. That meaning, of course, is the temptation to go off-track.
This card is a representation of the distracting quality of things such as addiction, temporary pleasures, hedonistic pursuits, and pretty much all the things that just don’t really matter “in the long run” and pull you away from life’s responsibilities.
Today, this card is a warning.
During the past month of my depression, especially the last three weeks of it, I’ve been a little lax in my finances.
I’ve spent more on things than I should have because I was too lazy or distracted to find the better price. I’ve bought things that I could have waited on until I was more flush.
This card is a warning that it’s time to pay attention and get myself back in line concerning these issues. It’s telling me not to let a few mistakes tumble me off track into the seductive distraction of the dark woods, but rather keep in mind my responsibilities and act accordingly.