Inner Narratives and Old Habits

Today’s meditation was skipped because it’s an orders day, although I kinda feel like I could have used it.  I just couldn’t quite find the time with so much to get done and only so many hours to do it in.

Mystical Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is the Judgement card, and isn’t the Archangel Gabriel looking all kinds of extra fine with his massive 1980’s Rocker mane of hair and bicep cuffs.  Right?  Okay so anyway…

The Judgement card is traditionally a representation of looking upon one’s life at the end of a journey and reflection upon one’s actions and choices along the way. Where the Justice card is about “what have you done lately?”, the Judgement card is further reaching and asks what path you have taken in life and if you are happy with the choices you have made as you moved through life (or whatever journey of growth one is on).

Sometimes the judgement card is very literally about our inner judgements.  It’s about judging others, or judging ourselves.  And here in today’s card, that is the theme of the day, which is made that much clearer by the Flower Fortunes card which speaks of the fact that “You spend most of your life inside your head…” and the importance of making it a nice place to be since you spend so much time there.

Yesterday, I did an “autopilot” fuck up that was disrespectful to Gideon. It wasn’t intentional, it was accidental created by the “muscle memory” of repeated actions. When Gideon pointed out what I’d done, I was not just absolutely shocked and fucking appalled at what I’d done…. I immediately fell into my old habits of self judgement and flagellation. That the offense was accidental and automatic didn’t matter, because it meant I’d failed to think before acting.  That he understood didn’t matter because I’d still shown flagrant disrespect not just in my actions, but in my lack of thought that lead to those actions.  Suffice to say… I had a pretty intense meltdown.

Today’s card comes up as an opportunity to look at this experience and remember to be kind to yourself.  Yes, I fucked up.  The cards have been bringing up often lately how fuck ups are learning experiences and not catastrophes.  Yet I fell into that negative narrative immediately, abandoning self kindness along the way.  It’s important to remember… being kind to others isn’t enough. We have to be kind to ourselves as well.  Not just in our self care, but in the inner narrative as well. If you catch yourself belittling or berating yourself…. stop.  Realize and recognize.  And let it go.  You don’t need to hear it rattling around up there in your head.  You don’t need to keep punishing yourself…. Promise.

DECK USED:  MYSTICAL TAROT AND FLOWER FORTUNE CARDS

LionHart’s Reap & Sow Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question
: Something good I have achieved {for myself} so far this year?

Stolen Child Tarot

 Reading Summary: In order to take better care of yourself (The Empress), you’re allowing others (Six of Oak) to play a larger role in your endeavors and responsibilities (Three of Oak).

Take Away:  When it comes to sharing responsibility or work, I have a real problem. This is something I’ve been working on a great deal for the last year.  Not just going easier on myself and making self care an essential part of life, but allowing those around me to shoulder some of the burden, some of the work, and some of the responsibilities that I have always worked so hard to take on on my own.

The thing is?  It’s not healthy to do what I’ve been doing for so long, the burn out cycles and overwhelm, the constant intense pressure.  It’s not good for me.   And it makes those around me feel closer and more connected when they get to do some of the work and take on part of that responsibility.  I know this… but it’s still hard.  At the same time? I acknowledge that I have come along in massive strides in this area over the past year.

DECK USED:  STOLEN CHILD TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMay2021 Challenge Prompt
Question
: What loss do you fear the most?

Mystical TarotReading Summary: That in some fit of inspiration and drive to move forward and do more, I will tear down everything I’ve worked for.  (The bracketing of the Ten of Pentacles by the King and Queen of Wands.)

This is also communicated in the lack of blue in the queen.  With the Queen in the past, the Ten of Pentacles in the present, and the King of Wands with his blue shoulders in the future, what we see here is a representation of potential growth… and thus a fear of losing that potential and growth.

In both interpretations, it is a loss of stability and security that is the issue.

Take Away: To lose my home. To lose my business. To lose these things that I worked so hard for. To lose the ability to take my passions and create stability from them.

No matter which direction these cards are read in, what it boils down to is stability and security .  My life is filled with passion and drive, but through it all there is a stability that I always push towards and build upon.  As I grow and progress, that stability becomes more stable and steady.  But there is always a risk of …. well, taking a risk, and losing it all as a result.  That risk rides in the heart of the flame of my need to explore my creativity and my passions.  There is no amount of stability and security that can take that risk away as it is a part of the process.

DECK USED:  MYSTICAL TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I worked extra hard on getting my orders done early so that I could get some extra sleep tonight, since I have that hospital appointment tomorrow evening after my long-ass drive.

One thought on “Inner Narratives and Old Habits

  1. *Grins* Today’s message sounds like a much better worded version of the things I was trying to get you to see yesterday, hm? I don’t like it when you are unkind to yourself. I don’t like it when you beat yourself up over a mistake or a fuck up. Mistakes happen, we learn from them and move on, hm? It was only something I was intending to point out because at first it surprised me, then with your reaction…I realized what had happened and tried to step in and be your champion against that inner narrative I knew was going on inside.

    I don’t think I’m much help when I step in to champion you against…you, but I can’t help it. I need to. Especially when you are far harder on yourself then I, as your boyfriend/partner/dominant could EVER be.

    It’s okay, my love. I promise.

    I hope that you managed to get done early, baby. Please keep me informed tomorrow as I will be worried. I’m still trying to find a good appointment time for mine…and I’m a bit nervous too.

    Liked by 1 person

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