Where Are You Focused?

Today’s meditation was skipped because I couldn’t get any peace and quiet to do my meditation in.  I did some breathing exercises, though.

Spirit Speak Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is the Justice card, which is traditionally a representation of finding balance, give and take, and the cause and effect that balances the scales of day to day life. This card can also be a representation of the law and the legal system, and I have personally had it show up to warn me about speed traps on my commute for the day.

What the Justice card is an indication of here in today’s card, though, is about cause and effect.  Combined with the Flower Fortunes card for today, what the cards say is that when your actions are aligned with where you want to go in life, that that’s where you go.

Just like driving a car.  You look where you want to go.  If you focus on the ditch, that’s where you end up.  If you focus on the tree… that’s where you end up.  But if you focus on the road and where you’re going, then you stay on the road and get where you’re going.  So make sure you’re focusing on where you want to go, and not the potential hurdles, struggles, or obstacles that may show up along the way.


The Sacred Grounds Tarot Club Prompt
One thing to keep, one thing to let go.

Forest Creatures Tarot v2Leave BehindEight of Wands – My constant need to push, and rush, and move quicker, and do more. Especially when it comes to my business.  It’s an old and deeply ingrained habit, and although I know it’s not as easy as just emptying your pockets on the dresser and leaving that stuff behind… it is something that I need to make sure that I’m working on and putting my focus into.

Take With MeQueen of Cups – My desire to expand my emotional intelligence and grow into someone more understanding of myself and others.


#DiscordTarotolicsMay2021 Challenge Prompt
: What is the biggest lesson that you’ve learned this month?

Spirit Speak TarotReading Summary: To be careful that generosity (Six of Pentacles) is not something you should be walking away from (Six of Swords). Don’t be too hard on yourself; self-forgiveness is important. (Five of Swords atop of The Star)

Take Away: We’re all still learning and we all make mistakes. Not everyone who is generous is out to trick you or screw you over in some way, and you don’t want to live your life feeling like you’re constantly looking over your shoulder for these people.

At the same time, the biggest lesson that I learned this month is that sometimes generosity is a ploy used to further another’s ends and harm me in the process.  It’s important to stay alert and aware for warning signs of this happening.


Daily Self Kindness

I sprayed bug spray outside on the balcony on… well, everything.  I have to bring everything off my balcony and inside on Monday to stay inside until Thursday so that the outside of my side of the building can be power-washed.  I’m fucking terrified of spiders, so… Yeah.  I sprayed everything on the balcony today with the intent of getting rid of any bugs or spiders that may be making themselves at home on the stuff I’m going to have to bring in.

Morning Bonus Read – Major Events

Prompt: “Think back to 5 major events in your past. For each event, draw a card to represent what your past self from that time needs your present self to understand. Lay down that card, then go through your deck and select a card to indicate the message you would want to give your past self who was in the midst of that.

Dead On Paper's Arcana in WhiteEvent – Father’s Degradation

Summary – I spent the majority of my childhood hearing how (due to my preferences) I wasn’t good enough, how I was a disappointment and a source of shame for my family, and my father encouraging others in my extended family to dole out the same.

What the Past Self Needs To Say Four of Hearts – “It hurts, and I want to disregard what’s being said and leave it behind me, but I feel like it will always be there lingering in the background.”

What I Want To Say To ThemStrength – You are stronger and more sure of yourself, who you are and what you want, because of this.  Yes, the experience will carry forward with you into the future, but it will become a part of the building blocks that create the man you become.  A man that’s strong and agile, confident and compassionate.

Dead On Paper's Arcana in WhiteEvent – SemiTruck Accident and Recovery

Summary – Early in my 17th year, I was in a car accident where I was in the passenger seat of a car when it was t-boned by a semi-truck.  The impact damaged a large number of joints and bone structure on the right side of my body. I then went through multiple surgeries to repair/replace what was damaged, physiotherapy, and a stint at a pain clinic.

What the Past Self Needs To Say Eight of Spades – “Don’t forget me. Don’t forget how hard I worked to recover. Don’t turn a blind eye and undo all that I worked for.”

What I Want To Say To ThemThe Hanged Man – You taught me what I needed to move on. Your strength and knowledge gained during this time of pain and recovery helped me see the world differently. This doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you, but that this experience is threaded through my life from now on.  It can’t be lost, or forgotten.

Dead On Paper's Arcana in WhiteEvent – Ex’s Attack

Summary – An ex friends-with-benefits that I broke up with due to his developing meth addiction stalked me and eventually broke into my home one evening to attack and sexually assault me.

What the Past Self Needs To Say Ten of Spades – “The most painful ending of all. It still hurts, even if you’ve moved on… my feet still bleed in the snow.”

What I Want To Say To ThemWheel of Fortune – You made the right choices for your health and happiness at the time. What happened was not predictable and is not your fault. He is in prison now, and you’ve moved on. This too will pass, it’s just going to take more time.

Dead On Paper's Arcana in WhiteEvent – Blood Moon Betrayal

Summary – The word “pissant” is hands down my least favorite word in the English language.  Essentially, Gideon and I had a group of friends who it was anonymously revealed to me really only wanted Gid and were making fun of me behind my back while plotting how to keep Gid and get me out of the picture.  These were people I liked and trusted and the betrayal damaged the optimism I had for human nature as a whole, ripping youthful naivety from me in one vicious eyeopening moment.

What the Past Self Needs To Say Five of Diamonds – “This still hurts. The experience feeds into those ‘less than’ feelings that rise up now and then.”

What I Want To Say To ThemThe Star – You are still healing and working on building up your faith in others. Just remember not everyone is the same.  There really are good people out there. Promise.

Dead On Paper's Arcana in WhiteEvent – Home Invasion

Summary – The ex friends-with-benefits mentions above convinced a “friend” of his to come pay me a visit. The fight involved ended up with me destroying his kidneys with an ice pick, permanently losing my voice when he tried to cut my throat, and having a near death experience on my kitchen floor.

What the Past Self Needs To Say Ace of Spades – “I see the world in a new light, one filled with danger and potential for violence.”

What I Want To Say To ThemThe Hierophant – I am using this experience as a lesson. It taught me to be safer and more aware of the world around me. I’ve consulted home defense and self defense experts, and I will continue to seek new knowledge and better ways to further the safety of myself and my home.