Inner Narratives and Old Habits

Today’s meditation was skipped because it’s an orders day, although I kinda feel like I could have used it.  I just couldn’t quite find the time with so much to get done and only so many hours to do it in.

Mystical Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is the Judgement card, and isn’t the Archangel Gabriel looking all kinds of extra fine with his massive 1980’s Rocker mane of hair and bicep cuffs.  Right?  Okay so anyway…

The Judgement card is traditionally a representation of looking upon one’s life at the end of a journey and reflection upon one’s actions and choices along the way. Where the Justice card is about “what have you done lately?”, the Judgement card is further reaching and asks what path you have taken in life and if you are happy with the choices you have made as you moved through life (or whatever journey of growth one is on).

Sometimes the judgement card is very literally about our inner judgements.  It’s about judging others, or judging ourselves.  And here in today’s card, that is the theme of the day, which is made that much clearer by the Flower Fortunes card which speaks of the fact that “You spend most of your life inside your head…” and the importance of making it a nice place to be since you spend so much time there.

Yesterday, I did an “autopilot” fuck up that was disrespectful to Gideon. It wasn’t intentional, it was accidental created by the “muscle memory” of repeated actions. When Gideon pointed out what I’d done, I was not just absolutely shocked and fucking appalled at what I’d done…. I immediately fell into my old habits of self judgement and flagellation. That the offense was accidental and automatic didn’t matter, because it meant I’d failed to think before acting.  That he understood didn’t matter because I’d still shown flagrant disrespect not just in my actions, but in my lack of thought that lead to those actions.  Suffice to say… I had a pretty intense meltdown.

Today’s card comes up as an opportunity to look at this experience and remember to be kind to yourself.  Yes, I fucked up.  The cards have been bringing up often lately how fuck ups are learning experiences and not catastrophes.  Yet I fell into that negative narrative immediately, abandoning self kindness along the way.  It’s important to remember… being kind to others isn’t enough. We have to be kind to ourselves as well.  Not just in our self care, but in the inner narrative as well. If you catch yourself belittling or berating yourself…. stop.  Realize and recognize.  And let it go.  You don’t need to hear it rattling around up there in your head.  You don’t need to keep punishing yourself…. Promise.

DECK USED:  MYSTICAL TAROT AND FLOWER FORTUNE CARDS

LionHart’s Reap & Sow Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question
: Something good I have achieved {for myself} so far this year?

Stolen Child Tarot

 Reading Summary: In order to take better care of yourself (The Empress), you’re allowing others (Six of Oak) to play a larger role in your endeavors and responsibilities (Three of Oak).

Take Away:  When it comes to sharing responsibility or work, I have a real problem. This is something I’ve been working on a great deal for the last year.  Not just going easier on myself and making self care an essential part of life, but allowing those around me to shoulder some of the burden, some of the work, and some of the responsibilities that I have always worked so hard to take on on my own.

The thing is?  It’s not healthy to do what I’ve been doing for so long, the burn out cycles and overwhelm, the constant intense pressure.  It’s not good for me.   And it makes those around me feel closer and more connected when they get to do some of the work and take on part of that responsibility.  I know this… but it’s still hard.  At the same time? I acknowledge that I have come along in massive strides in this area over the past year.

DECK USED:  STOLEN CHILD TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsMay2021 Challenge Prompt
Question
: What loss do you fear the most?

Mystical TarotReading Summary: That in some fit of inspiration and drive to move forward and do more, I will tear down everything I’ve worked for.  (The bracketing of the Ten of Pentacles by the King and Queen of Wands.)

This is also communicated in the lack of blue in the queen.  With the Queen in the past, the Ten of Pentacles in the present, and the King of Wands with his blue shoulders in the future, what we see here is a representation of potential growth… and thus a fear of losing that potential and growth.

In both interpretations, it is a loss of stability and security that is the issue.

Take Away: To lose my home. To lose my business. To lose these things that I worked so hard for. To lose the ability to take my passions and create stability from them.

No matter which direction these cards are read in, what it boils down to is stability and security .  My life is filled with passion and drive, but through it all there is a stability that I always push towards and build upon.  As I grow and progress, that stability becomes more stable and steady.  But there is always a risk of …. well, taking a risk, and losing it all as a result.  That risk rides in the heart of the flame of my need to explore my creativity and my passions.  There is no amount of stability and security that can take that risk away as it is a part of the process.

DECK USED:  MYSTICAL TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I worked extra hard on getting my orders done early so that I could get some extra sleep tonight, since I have that hospital appointment tomorrow evening after my long-ass drive.

Gideon’s Challenge

The Mysterious Farmer

Fresh paint
and a newly tended field
and yet
never a soul in sight
Who cares for the farm
in the forest valley
and do they only
work at night?
Always well kept
tidy and clean
and yet not a soul around
surely it’s not ghosts
that do all the work
and yet not a soul is seen

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Morning Bonus Read – Crown Energy Center

Seventh Sphere RWS Tarot - Crown Chakra Tarot Reading

My crown energy right now.

Five of Swords – I have a headache and have been feeling a bit more “under the knife” with my inner dialogue lately, so it fits that these swords are coming from above, sharp and pointed… and aimed at the delicate lilies below.  Although not the traditional read of the Five of Swords, the imagery here speaks volumes to me both concerning what’s mentioned above and the attack on my more mature relationship I’d begun to have with my inner dialogue lately.

Tension I’m currently holding in this area.

Ten of Cups – There’s a certain amount of pressure (self inflicted) to put out the appearance that everything is okay.  And most the time it is.  But at the same time? It’s not.  The fact that I pretty much fell apart last night after time with Gideon makes it pretty clear that everything is not exactly as perfect as I’d like people to believe.

How I can release this tension.

The Moon – Stop allowing uncertainties and insecurities to take root and stir that inner dialogue.  You’re spending too much energy trying to see the shit you’re fucking up on, and not enough on reminding yourself that that insidious inner voice is an asshole and a liar.

Something trivial that I need to let go of.

Six of Wands – Don’t worry so much about what others see.  You are pretending everything is fine, allowing others to see everything is fine when it’s not… and there’s too much energy going into appearances instead of into digging out the problem and what’s causing this imbalance.

How I can be of service to others.

The Hermit – By taking the time to actually do the work needed to find the problem, shine light upon it, and bring it up to the surface to be dealt with. Sometimes the only way to do that is with some in depth soul searching.

How I can improve my connection with my higher self.

Four of Cups – Soften that cold shoulder you’re handing out to your higher self lately, and allow your higher self to come sit beside you instead of taking a back seat.  Vulnerability is hard and it’s okay to stumble and back track sometimes in your journey.  Take some time to get back in touch with yourself, and let the higher self return to the table.

DECK USED:  SEVENTH SPHERE RWS TAROT