It’s Okay To Look Back

RecoveryToday’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was not a guided meditation.  I listened, instead, to the sound of snowflakes falling on my balcony while focusing upon the thoughts and feelings that were brought up by the image on the right.

This image came up in my IG feed and although it is normally targeted about sobriety (something I had to look up, because that is not how it struck me personally), what it spoke to me on was how openly I share my experiences with depression and subdrop.

It made me consider the reasons I am open about my mental health, and take time to really look at them. The thing is, by being open it does in fact create a form of vulnerability.  And I’m not particularly a fan of vulnerability.  And yet, even with that factor as a part of it… I’m still open about it.  I still openly share my experiences and educate others.   So… why?

The reason is simple in a way.  It’s because others can’t or won’t.  Because I know what it feels like to hide these things and pretend everything is fine. I know what it’s like to disappear from the world for weeks or months at a time to keep from subjecting others to my imbalances.   And I know how very, horribly, damagingly alone that all feels.  I want those that share similar experiences to know that they aren’t alone.  And, I want those that don’t have experiences with depression to learn and understand so that when others in their lives suffer, they can have a bit of understanding and sympathy for them.

Keeping mental health issues a secret helps no one.  It just keeps things a secret and keeps people uneducated.  It causes those with issues to seclude themselves, closing themselves off from the love and support that they need.

Victorian Romantic Tarot - Eight of CupsToday’s draw is the Eight of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of  the “fuck that, I’m leaving” sentiment.  It is filled with the need to withdraw due to feelings of disappointment or abandoning a project or situation due to feelings of discouragement.

The imagery in this card softens the meaning of the card for me as it is quite genteel in its presentation.  But, what really stands out to me in the imagery of this card today has less to do with the retreat and abandonment aspects… and everything to do with looking back.

This is because what stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today is the dog.  Although the dog follows his mistress, he pauses to look back. Whether this glance back is to assess what is being left behind, or to ascertain if anything follows them, is unclear.

Either way, the message here is that although there is a vast amount of romanticism (thank you cinema) in the idea of not looking back when you move on, realistically it’s not always the healthiest choice.   If you feel you need to look back in order to find closure?  It’s okay to do so.  If you feel that you need to look back to compare then to now and make sure you made the right choice?  That’s okay too.   It’s impossible to tell how far we have come without looking back to see where we are coming from, after all.


The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
: Generosity
: How can I best be generous with myself without “dropping the ball” on my responsibilities?

Modern Love Tarot

Strength – You are strong enough to handle all of your responsibilities, including fulfilling your self-care responsibilities to yourself.

Queen of Cups atop Page of Cups – Remember that you don’t know everything when it comes to your own emotions, and that you’re still very deeply immersed within a learning phase.  It’s okay to not be able to find the words to say what you’re feeling, find words instead to express what it feels like and you will in time learn what that emotion is called as well as how to interact with and process it.

The Devil atop The Hanged Man – Take time between indulging in your addictions to ascertain the motivations behind what you’re doing, and if you really want to indulge in this moment or pass and wait for the next.   Yes, sometimes waiting bites you on the ass and you regret it for years (or longer) afterward, but that doesn’t mean you need to jump every time the urge strikes you.  It just means that that time, it wasn’t meant to be.


#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
:  Do Spread 2
Question: How can I better keep up on my self-care when I’m not “feeling it”?

Victorian Romantic TarotReading Summary: Sometimes slowing down (Eight of Wands Rx) to rest (Four of Swords) and be grateful (Nine of Cups) is enough.

Take Away: It’s important to not make self care start to feel like it’s a chore.  If you have to skip something now and then, then skip it.  It’s okay.   Just don’t make a habit out of it or not pick it back up again.

Times of depression, especially, are extenuating circumstances.  It’s natural to feel uninspired during these times.   As long as you aren’t bailing on taking care of yourself entirely and you’re making sure you are taking things slow and getting the rest you need… don’t beat yourself up over the rest.  Things will balance back out, and that includes the self care.


Daily Self Kindness

I let myself get an extra half hour of sleep this morning because I really didn’t feel like getting up.  It was so good even if the dreams weren’t especially all that great.

One thought on “It’s Okay To Look Back

  1. *Grins* reading this made me so very proud of you. I am always proud to call you mine, but sometimes…like in reading this and how you are so selfless in your desire to help others. it’s beautiful, my love. You are beautiful. And you make me so very proud. Proud to know you. Proud that you are part of my life. Proud as fuck that you are mine.

    I love reading about your daily kindnesses and the effort you take to do this thing for me…and for yourself.

    I love you, man. I’m so proud of the man you have become.

    Liked by 1 person

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