Write It Down

IMG_9197Today’s meditation was just over thirteen minutes long and was a guided meditation with added interval timer for my piriformis stretching.  I’ve also added back in some of the forearm flexor stretches because things have been feeling like they’re tightening up there.

The focus of today’s meditation was about dealing with conflict, and I learned something new in the middle of it all.  I did not know that, after the adrenaline inducing incident has ended, it takes the body at least 20 minutes to purge that adrenaline back out of your system.

Anyway.  The conflict resolution thing was mostly about how sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and walk away, calm down, then come back in a more calm and rational mindset…. rather than speaking in the moment and saying something you will regret.   It included a quote that I enjoyed within the guidance that said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret,” by from Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce.

Fifth Spirit Tarot - Ace of SwordsToday’s draw is the Ace of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of the new seeds of ideas, intellectual interests, and communication.

What stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is the feathers.  Thoughts, in my opinion, are a lot of times much like feathers.  Float around you and flit through the air but are impossible to catch while in motion.

That’s why it’s important when pertinent thoughts, new ideas, etc come up that you write them down.  Write. Them. DOWN. For fuck sake write them down.

You  know… capture the feathers before the winds of distraction blow them away.

Sometime in the past couple of months I stopped this practice, and today’s card is a reminder of the value of writing these new thoughts, ideas, and valuable new perspectives down so that I can visit them a bit later and explore them more in depth.

DECK USED:  FIFTH SPIRIT TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic
:  Love language
Question: How can I better be open to and absorb love and kindness from others?

Existential Tarot

Reading Summary: Stop allowing your stubbornness and insistence that you can do everything yourself (Will 10) to slow down your acceptance and growth (Page of Action). It’s making you fight an unnecessary battle that belongs to your father and his judgments (Seven of Wands Rx).

Take Away: I was taught that it was not okay to lean on others and should be able to handle all of my responsibilities on my own, no matter what.  This was drilled into me throughout my life growing up and something I then repeatedly drilled into myself as an adult.   It can be hard to hand over control and allow others to help me and take over for a bit.  In order to be more receptive to love, I need to let go of that control and allow others to help me when I need it.  It’s not a weakness, no matter how deeply ingrained the lesson that it is has been taught.

DECK USED:  EXISTENTIAL TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic
:  Do Spread 1

Fifth Spirit TarotSigns for February – The King of Cups is an encouragement to lean into those that I depend on right now for support and comfort. This sign is about what I need and more about setting plans aside in order to recover and find my footing than executing anything in particular I might have had plans to move forward on. I suppose you could say that the action plan involved with this sign is to connect with my emotions and take this time with him and the support he gives to grow instead of falling back on old habits and closing myself off.

Signs for MarchThe World is about watching for renewal and the feeling that I am stepping out of one journey and into the next.  Although I do not want my depression to last this long, there is a good possibility the sign we see here is the major life change that comes with being free of the pit once more.  That sense of finally finding the edge and pulling myself out, and finding life on the other side ready and waiting for me.

Signs for April – The Ace of Wands is about feeling inspiration and that spark that keeps me trying new things. Right now in this moment I have absolutely none.  But, when I am not in this dark pit of depression my inspiration and creative spark are nearly constant and even quite hard to keep up with. The sign of these returning to me in April is a good one… and something to look forward to.  When the time comes, I need to make sure that I am allowing myself to explore (and, as my COTD mentioned for today, writing down the ones I don’t explore immediately so that I can explore them later).

DECK USED:  FIFTH SPIRIT TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I’m having a hard time thinking of something that I did that was nice for me today, then I remembered this morning when you told me to eat and then come nap with you.  And I did, even though there were other things I probably should have been doing, I had a really nice nap.

Gideon’s Challenge

Not Okay

I… am not okay. I felt myself sliding down the walls of the pit and I clawed at the walls to slow the fall. I thought I’d managed to catch myself and cling to the side…. and then I slid further still. I am not okay. I know this. But I know, too…. that I will be. Eventually.

It is a game of patience. Of waiting. Of remembering that my mind is lying to me, that all the painful whispers picking at my soul are not fact but fiction. I haven’t been this deep for two years now.

Please… please don’t last until April like the last time. Please let me be able to climb those walls back up to the light again soon. Please.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Self Care Saturday (On a Sunday)

These Saturday readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and is not meant as a predictive reading… although that, too, happens on occasion.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

Black Line Tarot, Wild Elemental Oracle, Transforming Dragons

EarthSeven of Swords and Lion – You can allow others to support you and take on some of the burden while providing the strategy and instruction needed to help them do a good job. Don’t forget that they don’t have to know how to do a job to do it… they just need someone there to guide their steps and keep things on track.

AirTen of Pentacles and Bear – Now that you are aware of where you are at in your journey and that the whispering lies are just that… you can begin to move in a direction that will allow transitions to begin. The bear is a symbol of death and rebirth, and you need to remain confident in your footing as you go through the cycle of your depression so that your rebirth will go more smoothly.

WaterThe Star and Dragon – A sign of hope and encouragement.  Look toward the light and allow the dragon’s message of strength through adversity to carry you through.  It’s okay to shed tears, as you must purge in order to be reborn again.

FireTwo of Cups and Ant – If you want to keep things running smoothly with your business right now, you need to make sure that you’re planning things carefully to conserve your energy and keep things balanced while you work through the effects of the depression.  Low energy means low output, so use your energy and your time wisely.

WaningPelifo – Don’t allow paranoia and negativity to continue to drag you deeper.  You are aware of what’s going on and the negative inner dialogue is in full swing and very seductive.  Make sure that you keep it in its place and don’t sink into the embrace of those whispers.

WaxingCerbeu atop Honcdonk –  Work on connecting with your true and authentic self. Make sure that you are not closing off your emotions, but are instead allowing them to be expressed freely.  Gratitude is important.  Take extra effort in seeing the positive message in your COTD pulls.

Take Away – With awareness comes strength.  You are aware of what is happening and in touch with the fact that your depression is not an emotional illness but a mental one. The mental games depression plays may stir up the emotions, but this is simply a reaction to the mental part of the equation.  Do not allow those emotions to damage you… instead share them and work harder at looking to the positive in the ways you are able.  Do not overwhelm yourself or push yourself too hard right now… it’s okay to go slow.

DECKS USED:  BLACK LINE TAROT, WILD ELEMENTAL ORACLE, TRANSFORMING DRAGONS ORACLE