Being Nice and Trying Again… and Again

startagainToday’s meditation was just under fifteen minutes long and was self guided with a focus upon self forgiveness and letting go of the pressure and stress that I put upon myself to always do more and berate myself when I take a break.    I felt that it was a really good topic for today, being that today is self-care Saturday and all.

I think that it’s important for me to remember that not only is it okay to take rests, but it’s okay to have an “off” day now and then, and that tomorrow is a new day and I can “try again”.  The only person judging me is me, and I’m allowed to forgive myself when things just don’t go according to plan now and then.

Like so many lessons to do with self care and self forgiveness, knowing the concept and saying the words is so much easier than actually putting them into action.  I figure that maybe if I remind myself enough, it will begin to sink in at some point.

Maruco Animal Tarot - Five of WandsToday’s draw is the Five of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of tests, trials, and conflict concerning one’s passions, ambitions, and drive.

Speaking of beating up on yourself.  This card was actually the inspiration for the topic of today’s meditation.

For me, the biggest conflict I face on a day to day basis is inner conflict.  Specifically conflict concerning how much I’m getting done and how much I have to do… and berating myself for not getting more done considering how much I have to do.

This card’s appearance today was a reminder of that inner conflict, which is so very often centered around my passion projects, entrepreneurial spark, and drive to succeed at my business and my goals.

The message here isn’t in the conflict of the card… but in the imagery of those sweet little bunnies turned rabid.  It is a reminder to not allow myself to be such a vicious dick to myself.  It wouldn’t be okay to treat others that way, and so I shouldn’t be treating myself that way either.


#TarotForGrowthMay Challenge Prompt
: What amazing thing about myself do I often fail to recognize?

Fairy Tarot by Virtue and Valentine

Reading Summary:  My resourcefulness (The Magician) to find a better way (Six of Winter) and bring people together (Hierophant/Unity) and inspire them to do the same (The Fool).

Just sayin’?  But although I haven’t found the time to do it yet…. this deck is definitely soon to be on the chopping block for a trim.

Take Away:  You would think that I wouldn’t have such a hard time with change since I’m somewhat skilled at turning situations around to come out the better for it… and yet I am always a bit trepidatious when it comes to change.   That said… what the cards indicate here is that this ability is actually something that is amazing about me, and something that inspires others to explore change with a lighter heart and more hopeful outlook than they otherwise would.


#DiscordTarotholicsMay2020 Challenge Prompt
: How can I add more fun into my life?

Sun and Moon TarotReading Summary: Find the passion inside you to fight for it (Five of Wands) and not allow obstacles to hold you back (Six of Wands) because this is a gift to yourself that can help restore balance (Six of Pentacles).

Take Away:  If I really want to add more fun into my life, I will need to fight for it. This means fighting to find the time, fighting to see true value in that time, and fight against my own inner tendency to not allow myself that time.  The cards also indicate that it’s important that to assist myself in this fight, I need to keep in mind the benefits that the added fun can have in my life, and use those benefits and the balance it can create, to inspire and motivate me to make the effort.


: What does the month ahead hold for me?

Mermaid Tarot by Robertson

Reading Summary:  Carefree (Judgement Rx) and well balanced (Temperance) while enjoying new emotions (Ace of Cups).

There is also a connection between the Judgement card and the Ace of Cups card through the colors associated in both cards which speaks to me about allowance.  Allowing yourself to delve in and allowing yourself to explore without the fear of repercussions that may come.

There is also a flow of motion connection between all three cards where in each card the flow moves from left to right and strengthens in its progression from one card to the next.  This flow speaks to me of the Judgement card and the Temperance card both building up support for the Ace of Cups (emotional exploration).

Take Away:   There has been a lot of overwhelm and issues over the past few months since I first discovered that new level of emotional growth back at the end of last summer.  The cards here indicate that I am at a place this month and ready to delve into that new growth. Not with fear or discomfort, but with an openness and carefree acceptance that will allow me to stay balanced and keep the experience positive.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question:  When do I feel most loved?

Dixit Deck v.2 QuestIntuitive Interpretation: While the world falls apart outside the sheltering structure (broken musical notes on the ground) the guy in the window remains securely inside and a knight protects him from the monster crawling out of the deep dark hole.

It’s not possible to hide behind what makes me feel safe forever, but it’s nice and very special when that option is there when I need it.

The anchor’s significance is twofold.  First it signifies the steadying rock of your presence in my life.  Second is its significance within our D/s, as you are the anchor in my drown.  Just as I liken subspace to peacefully floating in water, suspended beneath the surface… you are the anchor that holds me under and keeps me safe from floating away on random currents.

Take Away:  When do I feel most loved?  When I feel safe and secure, protected and cared for.  Sheltered and… most especially?  In the middle of my drown when you’re there holding me under and creating that experience for me that is something only you are able to create.


One thought on “Being Nice and Trying Again… and Again

  1. You do need to be nicer to yourself, man. Kinder, gentler. You are such a harsh critic when it comes to yourself yet you are so gentle with others, so understanding and patient. If you could just use some of that compassion on -you-, it would be perfect.

    There are many amazing things about you, but I like this one…and your ability to lead others to find a better path is a very good description of how you help people in whatever they are struggling with.

    Try to remember when you are ready to open up to those emotions, that when things get overwhelming, all you have to do is reach for me and I’m there to help you, to hold you and help you through.

    And lastly, ironic, isn’t it, that you speak of drown and subspace and then you find yourself immersed in it with me holding you under the surface, so safe and protected and peaceful. Goddamn I love that space, I love holding you there, holding you down and letting you know that I have you, that I will protect you and anchor you.

    I love you so much, my beautiful boy. So much. You’re so amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

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