Your Past Self – Nine of Pentacles – Once upon a time?  I thought that I had all my ducks in a row and everything in hand.  Back when I was closing myself off to my emotions and working myself into the ground, I really thought I was in a good place.

Your Current Self – Seven of Pentacles – But I soon came to realize that there’s a lot more growth to come and it’s going to take a long ass time to work through. I began to realize that there was a lot more to life than work. I began to realize that I needed to slow down.

Your Higher Self – Three of Swords – I am my best and highest self when I’m able to look beyond my pain and negativity to see the growth and lessons these experiences are offering me. In the moment, this can be difficult, but I know that those lessons are there and I only need to find them and understand them.  It does not take the pain away, but it gives the pain worth.

What Blocks Your Potential – The Devil – Ego. Over confidence. And allowing myself to indulge too deeply in what would otherwise be harmless pursuits. I have an addictive personality, and even though I’m aware of it?  Sometimes it still manages to get its hooks in and take me for a ride I’m not ready for, causing blockages and detours, backsliding and often… recovery as well.

Family Patterns – Six of Pentacles – Being too generous and forgiving with my family.  My father’s abuse.  My mother’s narcissism. Their hurtful behavior is something that has left some serious scars, and yet I can’t manage to hold it against them.  At least not to the extent that would seem reasonable and healthy.

Personal Issues – Four of Pentacles – Overly focused on security and stability.  This is a need that grew from homelessness and severe scarcity. It comes from taking showers in the school locker rooms and sleeping under abandoned cars.  It comes from the instability of couch surfing, and an apartment furnished with car tires, milk crates, and cardboard boxes. It’s my past… and yet something I still struggle with.

Conscience – Ten of Wands – Feeling guilty about slowing down and taking things slower, not doing as much, and not progressing as fast as I’m used to doing. That hard, nose-to-the-grindstone pace that I’ve been pushing myself on for so long has taken its toll and I know it’s time to slow down, but somehow?  There are a lot of times when I feel so fucking guilty about that.  About not doing more and pushing harder.

Desire – Temperance – Less pushing and more time off. More time to connect with my spirituality and path. More time to connect with the world around me.  I have gotten a taste of the slower path and worked through some of my guilt concerning it, and I’ve come to a point where I actually crave more.  This from the man who, just a couple of years ago couldn’t take a couple hours off without going stir-crazy.

Lesson – Wheel of Fortune – Ups and downs happen. It’s part of life. Adapt, and keep moving.

Advice – Page of Swords – Slow down more. Now is the time to indulge in this behavior. Soon enough the holiday rush will start and you will have so much work on your  hands that you’ll be struggling just to keep up.  While things are slow, it’s okay to take time for yourself.  This is a new path, and there’s going to be struggles, but you’re aware of what’s come before and what needs to change.

DECK USED:  CAT-ROT TAROT