Guilt, Blame, and Letting Go

IMG_5964Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was one of my guided meditations with an interval timer to space out my piriformis stretching.   The topic of today’s guided meditation was about the reflection of one’s behavior back on yourself through interaction with others.  If you approach someone in anger, it makes sense that you will get anger back.  But what people don’t realize is that more subtle effects are also just as possible.

The meditation told the story of a research team wanting to research monkeys, but each time they tried to get close the monkeys repelled them.  Then a researcher went in alone without guns as protection, and the monkeys welcomed him.   The monkeys didn’t know what guns are, but because the team was going in wary and on guard, prepared to commit violence, the monkeys could sense this and wouldn’t let them close.

People are often also like this. They pick up on non verbal cues that tell them someone is tense or irritated, anxious or defensive.  And they then react to those cues without even realizing they’re doing it.   By the same turn, they will also react to positive cues like happiness and warmth.  The meditation today encouraged the latter.

Tarot of the SidheToday’s draw is the Dreamer Three (Three of Swords) which is traditionally about heartache and feelings of loss including (but far from restricted to) grief.

The Fae in this story has no heart.  It is being torn to shreds by the black birds, shared among them as she stands wide open with a hole in her chest, weeping bloody tears.  Trees wilt and falter on the landscape of her skirt as dark clouds come to tangle in her hair.

The thing is, that this looks like it is permanent. It looks never ending.  But the sun behind the figure in this imagery indicates that there is still hope on the horizon and as it rises, it will beat back the dark clouds and overtake the shadows.

Will she ever be the same?  No.   But that can be said for every experience we have in life, not just the bad ones.  Each and every good and bad experience we have changes us. This is how we grow.

I’ve been so disappointed all damned day because my stomach has been a mess.  The cramps are killing me and it’s made me miss out on time with you that I really wanted… and needed.  And was so fucking looking forward to.  I’m sorry my stomach is being a bastard.  I’ve been eating my yogurt and I don’t think I ate anything today that was even close to going bad… I just don’t know what the hell its problem is.

I feel so bad about this, but I know that, like the Fae in this card’s image, we will make it through and continue to grow and thrive.  Together.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE SIDHE

#TarotForGrowthAugust Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to move past trauma.
Question: How can I approach myself with extra kindness and patience during the healing process?

Sacred Rose Tarot

Reading Summary: Pay attention to avoidance strategies (The Devil and Eight of Cups)… and focus on what is been accomplished and what’s good in your life (Nine of Pentacles).

Take Away:  I am so being called out with this reading.  *Chuckles*  Right, so I have a lot of different avoidance strategies to keep myself at a distance from my inner workings when things are feeling raw and I need to heal.  There’s my bad habits, my addictions, my defense mechanisms, multiple different types of distractions, and lets not forget just plain turning my back and willfully ignoring whatever is going on. I am one of those people who was raised to be able to sit and calmly eat or do pretty much anything with quiet calm… all while someone screams and berates you in your ear.  That detachment developed into  yet another mechanism of avoidance.

These cards indicate I need to watch out for these different methods of avoidance, and circumvent them through contemplation and acceptance of the good things in my life and an open acceptance, and even appreciation, of the things I have accomplished.

DECK USED:  SACRED ROSE TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsAug2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: How can I begin to release self blame from my heart?

Hilda TarotReading Summary: Live with what you’ve done (King of Pentacles). Allow your intuition to have a say in how much of the blame you should be taking in (The High Priestess). Don’t be so generous with others, as they played their part too (Six of Pentacles and Temperance).

Take Away:  I wouldn’t be where I am now without having done all those I’ve done along the way.  Some of those things aren’t things I’m proud of, but they need to be viewed with acceptance instead of consternation at this point, as they are in the past now and no longer need to be a burden upon my shoulders.

My instinctual… or perhaps habitual would be a better term… response to discord and conflict is to take the burden of wrongdoing upon myself.  More often than not?  I take far too much of that burden, and I need to learn how to judge more fairly just how much of it I should owl.  The High Priestess indicates I should be looking internally for that answer. I need to make sure it is I that chooses just how much of the burden I take on, and not anyone else.

When I blame myself for things that should be put upon other’s shoulders, I am being generous with them by taking so much of the burden on myself.  Instead, I need to practice a little more balance and moderation, because they deserve to shoulder their share.

DECK USED:  HILDA TAROT

Lionharts #TheAugustTarot #ElementalChallenge
Question:  Air, I seek your wisdom. What teachings do you offer me?

Gypsy Palace Tarot

Reading Summary: Allow your heart to take the lead now and then (King of Cups) in work matters (Eight of Pentacles) and you will find yourself moving into another level of growth (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  This is about enjoying my work instead of just working for work’s sake. The fact is that I know from personal experience that work does not feel like work if you’re doing it right, and in the right frame of mind.  It feels like a challenge, or like fun, or like a creative burst, or just like the pleasure of creation and joy of sharing with others.  This pleasure is something that I lost for a while in my work due to pushing myself too hard and the resulting repetitive burnouts that ensued. I am working on reclaiming that joy in my work again, and the guidance here is encouragement to continue upon that path.

DECK USED:  GYPSY PALACE TAROT