Month: February 2021

Morning Bonus Read – Mercury Retrograde

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Under the Roses Lenormand - Mercury Rx Tarot Spread

What is the main theme of this Mercury Retrograde for me?

Clouds – This was actually the card I expected to hop out, as it is very clear that the theme of this Mercury Rx for me is all about the current major depressive episode I am going through from its descent to (we can hope) the beginning of climbing back out again.  I don’t have the expectation that I will be able to pull out of it so quickly, but this card gives me hope that my ascent might begin around the same time as the Mercury Rx comes to an end (around February 21st or there about, if I’m not mistaken).

How am I asked to honor my feelings and current Rx vibes?

Whip – It is important to remember that the self flagellation and dark inner narratives in your head are dangerous.  Respect their power and work on coming out on top by acknowledging their existence.  It is only through awareness that you can overcome their influences.  Stay focused on where you want to go and determined to make your way there as you move through the mire of your depression and you will eventually come out the victor over these challenges.

What am I asked to reflect on throughout Mercury Retrograde?

Crossroads – Now is the time to reflect on your choices.  Where do you want to go from here and how do you want to get there?  You have choices, even now in the middle of your depression.  Are you going to focus on doing the healthy things that will help you to climb out of the pit more quickly? Or sink into the mire and allow it to cradle you and eat away at your insides while it pretends to be comforting you?  You need to keep these things in mind as you go through this struggle so that you can recover as smoothly and easily as possible once the clouded darkness begins to ease its grip.

DECK USED:  UNDER THE ROSES LENORMAND

Motivations and Praise

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IMG_9217Today’s meditation was just over eleven minutes long and another guided meditation from the Calm app with added interval timer for my piriformis stretching.

The focus of today’s meditation was about that um…. I think it’s Icelandic?  The concept of watching the storm through a window while you remain comfortable and safe on the other side.  (*Looks it up and comes back.*) Gluggaveður.  Essentially it translates to “window weather” and refers to the kind of weather you like to watch but don’t want to be involved in.

The guided meditation took this concept, and used it to encourage how someone can detatch from the intensity of one’s inner feelings or the immediate reactivity of a situation in order to find calm and peace in the middle of chaos.   This… is not really good advice for me, to be honest, as I have spent the majority of my life detaching from my feelings and that is my natural inclination when something intense arises.  Now… I’m instead working on how to better connect with them.  Still, it was a nice meditation.

Kei Tarot Love - Six of WandsToday’s draw is the Six of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of accolades and praise, admiration and public/social recognition of one’s accomplishments.

This card actually echoed for me some thoughts I was having in the shower this morning about compliments and the motivations behind such things.  I had a long rambling dialogue in my brain concerning compliments, and how it’s always nice to hear compliments but how important it is to not allow them to go to your head.

I say this because when compliments are given, there is always a motivation behind them.  Always.  It can be something as kind or innocuous as someone caring about you and wanting you to feel good, or wanting to make you feel good because it makes them feel good.  Or it can be something as mostly harmless as someone wanting you to like them and thus they give compliments in the hopes to endear you to them.   There are also times, though, when compliments are used in less innocent and guileless ways.  They can be used to “pull the wool” over someone’s eyes or to manipulate, for example.

I came to the thought at the end that perhaps the absolute best kind of compliment is the unintended one or the “back channel” one.  That is to say when someone says something that was not intended as a compliment but you personally see as something positive.   And, the compliments someone may say to someone else about you with no thought or expectation it might get back to you at some point.   These are great and amazing, because you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no motivation behind them directed at you.  They’re like little nuggets of pure gold panned out of a river, yes?

Anyway, I feel this card was an echo of these thoughts.  All compliments are nice as long as they are true, no matter the motivation behind them.  Just keep in mind that like the wide open eye of the horse in this card’s imagery, that you need to keep an eye on what those motivations might be.  Just in case.

DECK USED:  KEI TAROT LOVE

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Radical transformation
Question: What area of my life and perspective is in need of some radical transformation?

Jonasa Jaus Tarot 5th Edition

What area of my life is in need of some radical transformation?

Four of Wands and Four of Swords – You are currently in a time of rest and recovery, but that doesn’t mean it’s a time to just lie back at  home and let the world move on around you.  Instead, it’s important to keep moving and doing small things.  They don’t have to be big or showy as long as you’re not sitting stagnant.

What area of my perspective is in need of some radical transformation?

Page of Wands and Queen of Swords – See if you can’t be a bit less harsh with yourself and a little kinder.  Remember that you are still learning your way, even as you’ve done this all so many times before.  Don’t expect everything to just be the same as the last.  The skills you have learned can help you rise above and do better this time around.

DECK USED:  JONASA JAUS TAROT 5TH EDITION

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  Where have I been settling for “good enough” in my life?

Kei Tarot LoveReading Summary:  Retail therapy (Queen of Cups atop Page of Pentacles) is all well and good but it won’t carry you forward to your goals (Knight of Pentacles). Make sure that you are using your scarcity issues (Five of Pentacles) to help keep you on track (it all comes back to the Knight of Pentacles).

Take Away: We all have fears and worries that help keep us motivated towards our goals.  One of mine is my scarcity issues.  The fear of failing at keeping stability alive and strong in both my financial aspects and home life.   This is a motivator for me and not necessarily an unhealthy one as long as I don’t use it to push myself too hard or overwhelm myself with either too much work, or too much anxiety.

Currently (the past month or three) I’ve been sort of slacking on using this tool and over the past month it has turned into a bit of a stagnancy.  I’ve also, admittedly, indulged in quite a bit of retail therapy.  So yeah… it’s time to do a bit better.  Fair enough.

DECK USED:  KEI TAROT LOVE

Daily Self Kindness

I had a chocolate muffin with chocolate sauce on top.  Okay, so I know that’s kind of stupid as a self kindness, but I don’t often eat the chocolate muffins and I’ve never put chocolate sauce on one before.  it was really good. Like a rich and gooey lava cake almost, with the lava on the outside.

Gideon’s Challenge

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The Light Above

Even a little light
is blinding
when you are
trapped
in the bottom
of the darkness
and yet
even that
tiniest bit of light
is welcome,
allowing
awareness
of something
to reach for.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Write It Down

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IMG_9197Today’s meditation was just over thirteen minutes long and was a guided meditation with added interval timer for my piriformis stretching.  I’ve also added back in some of the forearm flexor stretches because things have been feeling like they’re tightening up there.

The focus of today’s meditation was about dealing with conflict, and I learned something new in the middle of it all.  I did not know that, after the adrenaline inducing incident has ended, it takes the body at least 20 minutes to purge that adrenaline back out of your system.

Anyway.  The conflict resolution thing was mostly about how sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and walk away, calm down, then come back in a more calm and rational mindset…. rather than speaking in the moment and saying something you will regret.   It included a quote that I enjoyed within the guidance that said, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret,” by from Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce.

Fifth Spirit Tarot - Ace of SwordsToday’s draw is the Ace of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of the new seeds of ideas, intellectual interests, and communication.

What stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is the feathers.  Thoughts, in my opinion, are a lot of times much like feathers.  Float around you and flit through the air but are impossible to catch while in motion.

That’s why it’s important when pertinent thoughts, new ideas, etc come up that you write them down.  Write. Them. DOWN. For fuck sake write them down.

You  know… capture the feathers before the winds of distraction blow them away.

Sometime in the past couple of months I stopped this practice, and today’s card is a reminder of the value of writing these new thoughts, ideas, and valuable new perspectives down so that I can visit them a bit later and explore them more in depth.

DECK USED:  FIFTH SPIRIT TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Love language
Question: How can I better be open to and absorb love and kindness from others?

Existential Tarot

Reading Summary: Stop allowing your stubbornness and insistence that you can do everything yourself (Will 10) to slow down your acceptance and growth (Page of Action). It’s making you fight an unnecessary battle that belongs to your father and his judgments (Seven of Wands Rx).

Take Away: I was taught that it was not okay to lean on others and should be able to handle all of my responsibilities on my own, no matter what.  This was drilled into me throughout my life growing up and something I then repeatedly drilled into myself as an adult.   It can be hard to hand over control and allow others to help me and take over for a bit.  In order to be more receptive to love, I need to let go of that control and allow others to help me when I need it.  It’s not a weakness, no matter how deeply ingrained the lesson that it is has been taught.

DECK USED:  EXISTENTIAL TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Do Spread 1

Fifth Spirit TarotSigns for February – The King of Cups is an encouragement to lean into those that I depend on right now for support and comfort. This sign is about what I need and more about setting plans aside in order to recover and find my footing than executing anything in particular I might have had plans to move forward on. I suppose you could say that the action plan involved with this sign is to connect with my emotions and take this time with him and the support he gives to grow instead of falling back on old habits and closing myself off.

Signs for March – The World is about watching for renewal and the feeling that I am stepping out of one journey and into the next.  Although I do not want my depression to last this long, there is a good possibility the sign we see here is the major life change that comes with being free of the pit once more.  That sense of finally finding the edge and pulling myself out, and finding life on the other side ready and waiting for me.

Signs for April – The Ace of Wands is about feeling inspiration and that spark that keeps me trying new things. Right now in this moment I have absolutely none.  But, when I am not in this dark pit of depression my inspiration and creative spark are nearly constant and even quite hard to keep up with. The sign of these returning to me in April is a good one… and something to look forward to.  When the time comes, I need to make sure that I am allowing myself to explore (and, as my COTD mentioned for today, writing down the ones I don’t explore immediately so that I can explore them later).

DECK USED:  FIFTH SPIRIT TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I’m having a hard time thinking of something that I did that was nice for me today, then I remembered this morning when you told me to eat and then come nap with you.  And I did, even though there were other things I probably should have been doing, I had a really nice nap.

Gideon’s Challenge

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Not Okay

I… am not okay. I felt myself sliding down the walls of the pit and I clawed at the walls to slow the fall. I thought I’d managed to catch myself and cling to the side…. and then I slid further still. I am not okay. I know this. But I know, too…. that I will be. Eventually.

It is a game of patience. Of waiting. Of remembering that my mind is lying to me, that all the painful whispers picking at my soul are not fact but fiction. I haven’t been this deep for two years now.

Please… please don’t last until April like the last time. Please let me be able to climb those walls back up to the light again soon. Please.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Self Care Saturday (On a Sunday)

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These Saturday readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and is not meant as a predictive reading… although that, too, happens on occasion.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

Black Line Tarot, Wild Elemental Oracle, Transforming Dragons

Earth – Seven of Swords and Lion – You can allow others to support you and take on some of the burden while providing the strategy and instruction needed to help them do a good job. Don’t forget that they don’t have to know how to do a job to do it… they just need someone there to guide their steps and keep things on track.

Air – Ten of Pentacles and Bear – Now that you are aware of where you are at in your journey and that the whispering lies are just that… you can begin to move in a direction that will allow transitions to begin. The bear is a symbol of death and rebirth, and you need to remain confident in your footing as you go through the cycle of your depression so that your rebirth will go more smoothly.

Water – The Star and Dragon – A sign of hope and encouragement.  Look toward the light and allow the dragon’s message of strength through adversity to carry you through.  It’s okay to shed tears, as you must purge in order to be reborn again.

Fire – Two of Cups and Ant – If you want to keep things running smoothly with your business right now, you need to make sure that you’re planning things carefully to conserve your energy and keep things balanced while you work through the effects of the depression.  Low energy means low output, so use your energy and your time wisely.

Waning – Pelifo – Don’t allow paranoia and negativity to continue to drag you deeper.  You are aware of what’s going on and the negative inner dialogue is in full swing and very seductive.  Make sure that you keep it in its place and don’t sink into the embrace of those whispers.

Waxing – Cerbeu atop Honcdonk –  Work on connecting with your true and authentic self. Make sure that you are not closing off your emotions, but are instead allowing them to be expressed freely.  Gratitude is important.  Take extra effort in seeing the positive message in your COTD pulls.

Take Away – With awareness comes strength.  You are aware of what is happening and in touch with the fact that your depression is not an emotional illness but a mental one. The mental games depression plays may stir up the emotions, but this is simply a reaction to the mental part of the equation.  Do not allow those emotions to damage you… instead share them and work harder at looking to the positive in the ways you are able.  Do not overwhelm yourself or push yourself too hard right now… it’s okay to go slow.

DECKS USED:  BLACK LINE TAROT, WILD ELEMENTAL ORACLE, TRANSFORMING DRAGONS ORACLE