Month: August 2019

Revisiting Fear and Indecision

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I wanted to revisit the topic of fear after my post from yesterday and the topic of the meditation that I did yesterday.

Yesterday’s meditation was about indecision, which I definitely do not have a problem with in any way, shape, or form.   But I feel like my post made it sound as if I don’t have fear, which is definitely not the case.

I do, absolutely, have fear.

I fear losing my home to the point where I obsess over work and push myself beyond my limits at times in how much work I should take on. (Thank goodness that I’m also someone that likes their creature comforts, or that fear might rule my entire life.)

I often have issues around fear when it comes to some of my scars (particularly the one on my face) and how people react (or may react) to them, which has gotten better over time as I am no longer trying to seclude myself into my home… but I know I still have a long way to go on this.

I fear my ex and the day he will be released from prison.   I fear my ex, as well, in his conniving “other” ways of trying to reach me even while he IS in prison.

I’m goddamned well -terrified- of spiders, even though my logical mind tells me I shouldn’t be.  You can add piranhas to that list, too, ever since as a kid I saw that first original Piranha movie.

The point is, I do have fears, and I didn’t want my post from yesterday coming off as some kind of bravado or something.  It’s just that fears do not inspire indecision for me.

For me, indecision doesn’t come from fear.  It appears when I am feeling extremely vulnerable, which can put me in a place of “I dunno, you choose”, and it appears when I have not managed to gather enough information or had the chance yet to think something through.

Scarcity Issues Redux

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on indecision, especially that which is spurred by fear of rejection.

I found the meditation itself very relaxing, but I didn’t really relate well to the topic of the day.  The only time I really feel indecision is when I’m in subdrop or feeling extremely vulnerable.  This means that my indecision is caused by something very specific, and is not due to some sort of fear or worry of rejection or the judgement from others.

I’m not sure how I developed this confidence, but I’ve never had an issue with judgement.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  There was a time when internally my soul bled due do the judgements pushed on me by my father, but even then… there was no indecision.  Not about my sexuality, not about what I felt was right or wrong, not about the things I liked, and the things I didn’t.  What my father contributed was to further teach me is the “what’s the worst that can happen” aspect (with reasonable common sense added in, of course).

You do what you want because…. what’s the worst that can happen?  Someone laughs at you?  So what?  Someone says no?   Well at least you asked and now you know.  Thinking of trying something new?  Yes, you might fail, but if you had fun along the way or learned something during the process (or from the results) then it wasn’t really a loss at all.

Today’s draw was yet again another double drop, with no jumper as they both came out together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Nine of Wands (Anxious) and the Five of Coins (Poverty).  I’m considering ceasing defining the cards for this deck, as I keep getting intuition hits before I reach for my knowledge of the suits in the tarot, or even read the key words on the cards..

This one was a no-brainer, and is pretty much the message that’s been coming through for a while now.  The repeat message is not a surprise, as it is a subject that I struggle with.

That is… scarcity issues.

More specifically, the obsession with ensuring I do not return to a place of poverty and desperation.

The cards today are reminding me that I am not poor.  I am not destitute.  Everything is okay and there is no need to be anxious.  That, in fact, the general anxiety I deal with may be a part of what keeps me in this mindset.

The repeating theme of this topic means it is something I need to look at deeper, and work on more diligently.  I think that this is not just a reminder, but an encouragement to take action and put some focus and work into finding ways to ease my anxiety in this area.

Deck Used: The Visions of Life Tarot

 

#TarotTube (non) VR to Inspiring Aliens and Brian Cormack Carr

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I was inspired to do this post after seeing Brian Cormack Carr’s YouTube response.  The original tag was from Inspiring Alien’s #TarotTube update video.

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The Questions:

1.What made you start Tarot YouTubing?

Well, I don’t make videos, but I do spend time watching TarotTube. What made me start?  It’s an interest of mine and I’m sure it just showed up in my “suggested videos” at one point and I realized “oh!  they have that on YouTube too?” and from there I was hooked.

2. What is the tarot scene like in your area?

Lots and lots and lots of opportunities to get a reading around where I live from a number of little metaphysical shops to small psychic reading establishments.  I would say you will find some kind of “Woo” within each city block, or possibly every other city block, around where I live.

3. Name an overrated deck and an underrated deck?

Hmmm Overrated just in that I can’t connect to it but it seems -everyone- likes it? The Prisma Visions Tarot.  I just don’t get it.

The Visions of Life Tarot, which is one of my daily draw decks for this month.   I really like the tongue-in-cheek humor that the deck offers up, and when I was looking for information on the deck, the only thing I could find was ONE YouTube channel in Russian that did a walk through.

4. Tarot in one word?

Life  (That is not to say that “tarot is life” in the colloquialism sense of using the word, but rather that it is a representation of life.  All aspects, all stages, all paths.  Life.)

5. Name three small tarot YouTube channels.

I chose to consider “small” as being three channels with under 400 subscribers.

Yarrowen, Ozark Oracle, Crow Quill Tarot

6. Your favourite type of tarot video on YouTube?

I very much enjoy tarot videos that are focused on shadow work. Heather Carter does a lot of these and really stands out as an excellent and enjoyable channel to check out for those kind of videos.  It’s not all she does on her channel, but I really enjoy her depth.

7. What would you a) think b) say c) do, if tarot suddenly didn’t exist?

So the question specifically says “suddenly didn’t exist” which I’m going to take means it did exist and then every tarot deck (and Lenormand and oracle deck) on the planet just… disappeared.

a) “WTF?? Where the hell did my decks go?”, b) “Oh hell no, I’m gonna fix this shit”, c) grab myself a set of playing cards and start drawing on them to make my own divination deck.

8. Do you use tarot apps?

Yes.  Not for readings, but some of the tarot apps out now have guidebooks for decks on them, especially apps made by The Fool’s Dog LLC.  This is useful for decks that I own, but either don’t want to dig out the guidebook for, or don’t have a guidebook for. This makes these tarot apps a spectacular resource.

9. Your favourite thing about the tarot community?

That it’s a community. I like that.  Not everyone always agrees or gets along, but that’s part and parcel of a community, I think.

10. Tarot video ideas?

Actually, I’ve submitted one or two to Modern Metaphysical Man, which he’s been kind enough to do.   Most of the time when ideas come up, I reach out to someone in the community I think the idea would fit well with and pitch it to them.   This means that they are then no longer stored up in my brain so I have NO idea what to write here at the moment.

11. Who do you tag?

I think by “tag” this means doing responses to their tags?  Anything that catches my interest and attention.  Some of those I’ve done responses to include Ethony, The Hermit’s Cave, Brian Cormack Carr, KellyBear, and others.

 

Its Better Together

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and ten seconds, and focused on the concept of gezellig, which is (apparently) a German adjective that means a kind of thing or activity that embodies a sense of joy or peace.

The guided meditation started out with a very broken down mindfulness technique or the breath that involves first focusing on the rise and fall of the belly, then the expansion and contraction of the ribs, then the rise and fall of the chest, before then focusing on how the breath moves like waves through each part. It was extremely relaxing.

After this, it spoke about the importance of adding activities into each day that help to restore the soul. These are things that bring you a sense of peace, joy, contentment, or fun. I think sometimes we all forget to do this, and forget to truly appreciate these things even when we do actually do them. I know that I am guilty of this.

Today’s draw is another double without a jumper. It is the 11th card in the Major Arcana, the Justice card (with chimpanzees), and the Two of Cups (with seals).

Today I’m not going to bother with traditional meanings because I got an intuitive hit (and currently riding in a car which means I’m flirting with getting car sick by working on this right now.

Today, the Justice card is telling me that we are going to get pulled over sometime today (or some other event that is going to deal with an authoritative figure and reckoning).

The Two of Cups is a reminder of emotional support. It says that I may either need it, or need to provide it, in relation to the above mentioned event. I’m traveling with J today, so we’ll just have to see how things go.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot

 

My Most Important Tarot Reading (non) VR to Becca Tarot Night Owl

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On YouTube, Becca Tarot Night Owl did a video that spoke of her first tarot reading, which was the most impactful tarot reading of her life.  I found it really interesting and I feel the want to share mine here.

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I don’t remember my first tarot reading, so I can’t really share much about that.  Because I come from a home where tarot (or rather, Lenormand) was a part of life and our faith, readings and card pulls have always just “been there”.   BUT, I do have a most impactful/important reading.

That would be a reading done by Z (with Tarot) when I was ten years old.  It was a Life Path reading, which involves thirty nine cards (plus any jumpers or clarifying cards that enter into the mix).   She does this reading for me every ten years, meaning that I’ve had it done again twice since then.

In this first reading, there was a great deal of information on the past, the present, and the future.  But, what really stuck out to me was the overall message that came at the end.

This was delivered gently, and with great empathy and understanding as she explained that the “moral of the story” for my life would be one of struggle, strife, and woe… BUT, that it’s okay to have this kind of life.  It’s okay to find your life filled with struggles and hurdles, strife and discord, woe and adversity.  These things are lessons in life that teach you how to become better.  Better at the things you want to do… Better at the way you find your joy… And, just an all around better person as a whole.

She told me that my life would have many, many things to overcome and work through, and that these things are there not to drag me down and make me miserable.  Instead, they are there to create strength and foster deeper roots within myself and my life with which to anchor me through the hardest parts, like a tree standing strong in a storm is anchored deep within the soil.

She was far more eloquent, and that moral of the story stuck with me in a way that the reading itself didn’t.   Ten years later at the age of 20, she did the reading again, with much the same result…. as was the case last year when I turned 30 and she did the reading for me again.

Most people would consider this reading  to be a bad one, but I don’t.  Not at all.  Because it prepared me for what was to come, and helped me to understand that I’m not a victim.  Not of people, or of circumstance.  I’m a survivor, and each hurdle I come upon (of which there have been many, and will surely be many more) is an opportunity for betterment in some way, not a road block.

 

What is Important

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirty six seconds, and focused on finding that balance between hard focus and full release during a meditation practice.

This can be difficult in the best of times.  If you focus too hard on the breath or whatever you’ve chosen as your focus in the moment, then you are not reaping the benefits of your meditation’s relaxation… on the other hand, if you are too loose in your focus, your mind wanders and you do not experience the benefits of mindfulness during meditation.  In fact, if you are too lose in your focus, you may end up simply sitting and thinking quietly, or daydreaming, instead of meditating.

The guided meditation spoke on how the key is to adjust your levels of focus and relaxation much like a guitar player tunes their guitar before each time they play.

I really like the analogy, and the story that went along with it (which is where the analogy came from).  My meditation, over all, was quite relaxing, and I’m finding that my left hip is finally starting to loosen up a bit.

Today’s draw is the Six of Wands with the key word Triumph on the card. The Six of Wands is a representation of, yes, triumph, but also public and private achievements, progress, cooperation, and a sense of vitality in the area of one’s willpower, drive, passions, and ambition.

I often take a minute to read what is written in the Journey into the Hidden Realm (which is the guidebook for the Tarot of the Hidden Realm) even though that’s not the cards I’m working with.  The thing is that I love the little stories that are written about each card’s imagery, which are all very Human/Fae liminal space in their tone and earth based. In today’s, there was a line that really stuck out to me.

That line is… “This card promises not only that you will be successful but that you will utterly amaze yourself.”

I like that.

Many times the Six of Wands is seen as a card dealing with public accolades and accomplishments on a public scale, but for me that is not really the case.  I have no interest in any of that.  What I have an interest in is my own personal goals, my own personal sense of successes and failures.

The only time I really seek accolades is in the hope that the jewelry I create finds a home with someone that appreciates it.   Even then, that is not -why- I create, or why I sell.  I create for me, because I need that outlet.  It brings me joy and balance.   I sell my creations (aside from the finance aspect) because I want my creations to bring joy, comfort, or enjoyment to another and enhance their life in some way.

This is very important to me, and I think the inner examination in this post was the entire message of today’s draw of the Six of Wands.   A sort of…. getting in touch with what is important to me.

Deck Used: The Visions of Life Tarot