Damaged… Not Broken

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirteen seconds, and focused on judging oneself as “broken” and how to reevaluate that view into a positive one.

This was a really difficult one for me today, and appropriate too, as you will see below in the daily draw.  The thing is, I do consider myself broken.   Not mentally (although, there are definitely times during depression when that comes up), but rather… physically.

Between the damage that keeps me silent and the damage from the various accidents (and attacks) I’ve gone through in my life, I feel that my body IS broken.  Functional, but broken.

I have saved this meditation to revisit, because I know this is something I need to work on.

Today’s draw is the Eight of Cups, which features the magpie leaving its perch. The eight of cups as a representation of the winds of change in the area of emotion, creativity, relationships, and intuition.

In the guidebook included with this deck the magpie is a representation of insight, revelation, courage, and opportunity.

Speaking of broken.   I find myself struggling with resentment today.  Not a resentment of everything that I’ve gone through.  My life reading by Z was very clear that my life would be a path of struggle and strife, and I’m okay with that.  I don’t mind hurdles or challenges, as it is simply a part of my path to work through them.

That said, I am having a frustration and resentment issue when it comes to the cancer. It came up today because, as I was working the emollient bar into the scars on my knee I had a sudden cramp in my right ass cheek.  Seriously.   Like a red hot, needle thin poker just right into the cheek.  Not sciatica, but…. I dunno.  Sort of like nerve pain, I guess.

Anyway, it brought up an issue I’ve been dealing with since the cancer and my recovery, which is a loss of flexibility.

I’ve been doing yoga my entire life, although as a child I had no idea it was called yoga, and my parents never bothered to teach me the names of all the poses and sequences (which I never really bothered to learn since).  The practice, though, has been life-long.  And after the accident in my late teens that damaged so much of my right side, it was instrumental in both my recovery and maintenance of the repairs that had to be done.

Because of this practice, even after that accident I’ve always been quite “bendy”… until the last few years.

During chemotherapy and my recovery after the RPLND, I slacked in my practice.  As in… didn’t do it at all for nearly a year.  And ever since then?  I’ve not been able to bring myself back to par with the flexibility that I’d had prior.   Normally, I can take this in stride and see such issues as a challenge… but today?  Not so much. And thus… frustration and resentment started to whisper through my emotions.

SO…. back to the Eight of Cups.

The Eight of Cups is telling me to let it go.   Take a deep breath, be understanding of my needs and capabilities, and move on from these feelings of resentment and intolerance towards myself…. and I’m going to do my best to do just that.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot