Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on indecision, especially that which is spurred by fear of rejection.
I found the meditation itself very relaxing, but I didn’t really relate well to the topic of the day. The only time I really feel indecision is when I’m in subdrop or feeling extremely vulnerable. This means that my indecision is caused by something very specific, and is not due to some sort of fear or worry of rejection or the judgement from others.
I’m not sure how I developed this confidence, but I’ve never had an issue with judgement. Well, that’s not entirely true. There was a time when internally my soul bled due do the judgements pushed on me by my father, but even then… there was no indecision. Not about my sexuality, not about what I felt was right or wrong, not about the things I liked, and the things I didn’t. What my father contributed was to further teach me is the “what’s the worst that can happen” aspect (with reasonable common sense added in, of course).
You do what you want because…. what’s the worst that can happen? Someone laughs at you? So what? Someone says no? Well at least you asked and now you know. Thinking of trying something new? Yes, you might fail, but if you had fun along the way or learned something during the process (or from the results) then it wasn’t really a loss at all.
Today’s draw was yet again another double drop, with no jumper as they both came out together. The cards in today’s draw are the Nine of Wands (Anxious) and the Five of Coins (Poverty). I’m considering ceasing defining the cards for this deck, as I keep getting intuition hits before I reach for my knowledge of the suits in the tarot, or even read the key words on the cards..
This one was a no-brainer, and is pretty much the message that’s been coming through for a while now. The repeat message is not a surprise, as it is a subject that I struggle with.
That is… scarcity issues.
More specifically, the obsession with ensuring I do not return to a place of poverty and desperation.
The cards today are reminding me that I am not poor. I am not destitute. Everything is okay and there is no need to be anxious. That, in fact, the general anxiety I deal with may be a part of what keeps me in this mindset.
The repeating theme of this topic means it is something I need to look at deeper, and work on more diligently. I think that this is not just a reminder, but an encouragement to take action and put some focus and work into finding ways to ease my anxiety in this area.
Deck Used: The Visions of Life Tarot