Month: February 2021

Sharing the Journey

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IMG_9434Today’s meditation was just over sixteen minutes long and was the second installment in the mantra course meditations through the Oak app.  I combined this meditation with the interval timer for my piriformis stretches.

Like before, the focus of today’s meditation was about becoming comfortable using a mantra during one’s meditation practice and the practice started out with a vocalized mantra but within the first minute it was encouraged to go into a mental mantra. This made the class much easier for me to follow along.  I felt like I had a slightly more difficult time focusing today, but I still found the meditation relaxing.

Byzantine Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Queen of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of a receptive alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s intellect, education, communication, and reason. The Swords are about the mind, and the Queen has all her experience to guide her, which she then uses to communicate with and guide others.

The Queen of Swords is experienced and although her sword is not raised in an offensive pose, her hands upon the hilt show that she is ready.  Her upright position speaks of healthy intelligence, sharing, and support.  Her experiences are a guide for herself and for others.  And here is where the message lies.

I have mentioned this on my blog before, but here we see the theme come out in the cards themselves, a confirmation that I am on the right path in sharing my experience with others. Instead of hiding my depressive episodes from those around me as I have done for the majority of my life, I am being open about them this time around. I am allowing people to see what is going on with me, to observe the experience.

I don’t do this to gain attention or sympathy, nor to inflict my experience upon others (there’s a reason I hid it for so long, after all), but rather… to tell others that they are not alone.  To allow people who may also be going through similar experiences to see that there are others out there… others going through something similar.  Others that share their pain.

Depression is so often so very fucking lonely.  You don’t want to “inflict” your low mood upon others so you withdraw into yourself.  In that withdraw you are then even more lonely, and feel as if you are a burden on others, a burden on those you care most about.  You feel alone… and this compounds upon the depression itself until you feel hopeless… and feel as if there will never be an end to this horrible feeling. That it is the reality… the only reality… and will stretch into the rest of one’s life.

I share so that those that share this horrible experience can see that they are not alone.  And so that they can see it is not endless.  It is not forever… but rather it is a journey to get through.  Temporary.  And that I’m here  too.  I want to tell everyone that is going through this… You are strong. You are resilient. You will get through this. It is temporary.

DECK USED:  BYZANTINE TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Moments of healing
Question: How can I make sure I am not fighting against my healing progress?

Moondust Tarot

Reading Summary:  Stay open to learning new things (Page of Swords) and don’t over burden yourself (Ten of Wands) with too many plans for what comes next (Two of Wands).

Take Away:  The reminder here is to avoid making plans for “after I’m back on my feet” and instead live in the moment.  Take things as they come for the time being, and allow myself the time I need to learn and heal and get what I can from the process.  Worry about the future later on when such pursuits won’t hinder  or distract me from my current healing process.

DECK USED:  MOONDUST TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question:  What is love?

Byzantine TarotReading Summary: Celebration of family and home (Four of Staffs), respect for what those that came before can teach you (Patriarch), and generosity for those that have less than yourself (Six of Coins).

Take Away: Love is community.  The cards here speak of community, of learning from each other, growing from each other, helping each other… and celebrating each other.  It’s about the “each other”.  It’s about connection and gratitude and appreciation.  That is what love is.

I think that there are many, many different types of love.  But I think that this answer rings true throughout all those different types.  Appreciation, gratitude, and connection is what threads us all together and without that connection to someone (or something), what is there to care about?  Or love?

DECK USED:  BYZANTINE TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I went to the woods today.  I couldn’t hike because of the whole knife through the foot and using a crutch thing, but I drove out to one of the trail heads that allows ATV use, and asked one of the campers out there to take me up deeper into the mountain.  Promise of payment if they came back for me in an hour made sure I got a ride back down to my car again.   All in all it was a really nice visit, even if I couldn’t hike like I normall would have liked.

Gideon’s Challenge

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IciclesLittle Sounds

Comfortable
and warm
there comes  the
drip drip drip
I hear you
I say
and rise to
go explore
to find the puddle
and the wet
and wonder…
what next?

And wouldn’t it be nice if that pitterpat of drip I heard was melt outside my window instead of the sink… once again leaking.  Damnit.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Slow Progress Is Still Progress

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IMG_9414Today’s meditation was just under seventeen minutes and was a guided meditation from the Oak app that was the first in a series of lessons about using mantra in meditation.  I included the interval timer for my piriformis stretches as well.

I actually liked the lesson.  I especially was appreciative of the fact that although it started out asking you to verbalize the mantra (something I’m unable to do due to my mutism), it moved quickly on to it being in the mind instead of passing through the lips.  This makes my participation much easier and I found the meditation itself relaxing.

Black Line Tarot 1st Edition and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Page of Pentacles, which is traditionally a representation of a receptive omega energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s finances, resources, home life, health, or manifestations.  This is the energy of a learner, student, or novice in these specific areas and includes an energy of openness and growth.

I love the sprigs of plants as a representation of growth and manifestation in this card’s imagery, and the cherry blossoms above as an indication of innocence and beginnings.

When combined with the Thera-Pets card for today, what I see here is a reminder that it’s okay to struggle and that we are our own worst critics.  When doing something that makes us feel vulnerable or trying something new, it can often feel like we’re sucking ass at whatever that thing might be even when maybe we’re not doing bad at all, or are even doing extremely well.  That “level of expectation” can often make us feel like we’re failing even when, in truth, we’re making great strides towards growth and learning.

I relate to this today in my personal climb out of the pit of depression I’ve been struggling with.  I found bottom, I’ve begun my climb.  But there are times when it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.  The reminder in these cards encourages me that I need to keep trying, and keep climbing… because just because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere right at the moment doesn’t mean I’m not making progress.

DECK USED:  BLACK LINE TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Boundaries
Question: What boundaries have I been neglecting lately?

The Uncommon Tarot

Reading Summary: Using a combination of gratitude (Ten of Coins) and family (Six of Cups) to help in keeping me grounded (Four of Coins) as I work through my personal challenges (Strength).

Take Away:  The boundary that has been neglected is the boundary with myself. I need to stop my solitary “I’m strong enough” bullshit and allow others to help me.  Especially during the major depressive episodes, I have a habit of trying to retreat into myself, not wanting to subject those I love to the “ugliness” of the depression.  My family (both blood and chosen) has the ability, though, to help foster my feelings of gratitude and give me the extra oomph of grounding that I need right now.  Neglecting the boundaries I’ve set for myself and allowing myself to retreat as I have does not help me in my recovery, but can instead hinder my progress.

DECK USED:  THE UNCOMMON TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  What is the best and worst thing about getting older?

Black Line Tarot 1st EditionWhat is the best thing about getting older?
Queen of Swords and Ace of Swords

Older and wiser means better new beginnings.  I’ve always been pretty good at picking up new things. New ideas, new projects, new skills… there’s never been much that’s intimidating about all that for me.  But I feel that with a lot of people?  There is a great deal of intimidation in trying something new.

As we age, though, and try new things again and again, we gain confidence in ourselves and that feeling of “newness” and worry about how it will go seems to ease and become more manageable.  It becomes less about “what if I fail?” and more about “how do I succeed?”.

What is the worst thing about getting older?
Three of Wands and Eight of Swords

Uncertainty about what’s ahead. This is something that I never understood when I was younger, perhaps because I had no fear of death when I was younger.  But, as I age and I find more and more value in life, I have begun to understand this fear and uncertainty.

When younger and willing to let go so easily, there was no concern over the when or how, no worry over what would happen after or where I would go next once this life had come to an end.  I have found, though, that as I have come to value this life more and more with age… I come to think about this uncertainty with a far less lackadaisical view.

DECK USED:  BLACK LINE TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

You know, I often sit down at this end of the post and get stuck at this section.  I can’t think of a single kindness that I did for myself today.   I mean… okay so yeah.  I took the day off.  I haven’t opened up my shops even once today.   That’s something, right?

Gideon’s Challenge

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SnowfallSnowfall

Each step
as silent
as a whisper
as the soft tufts
of delicate lace
land
with little pats
upon lashes
nose
and branches
revealing themselves
through haze
of white
one step at a time

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Morning Bonus Read – Changing Seasons

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Changing Seasons Spread - Hoping Soul Lenormand

Card to represent this new season of my life.

Heart – A thawing and rising of warmth as the ice that the depression has encased your emotions within begins to melt and ease.  Contentment and feelings of love and warmth return as the depression is being left behind. The new season that is rising up at this time in your life is one of return… of life and love and emotion that was once shut down is now being given the freedom to grow and thrive again as you begin to find the light you’ve been striving for.

How will I change in this new season of my life?

Clover – Good stuff lies ahead with a return of a more optimistic outlook and the ability to get in touch with and feel happiness once more.  The closer you get to the edge of that pit of depression and pulling yourself out of it, the better you will feel.

Something important I will learn.

Cross – There is reinforcement in the journey, and in the familiarity of the slippery slope and the climb back out. In repeating this journey it is not something new that is learned, but rather an assurance that the depression is indeed temporary and will be again in the future when it eventually returns as it has in the past.

Something I need to embrace.

Broom – Finding balance again will not be easy.  The climb out of the pit is hard, and there’s a lot of struggle involved.  It’s important to accept that there will be slippery spots in the climb, places where your hand or foot might slip.  Remember that the pain is a part of the journey and keep your ass moving upward.

A challenge I will face this season.

Scythe – When to let go. Too often you spend too much time fighting the good fight when the battle is already over.  Instead of being so rigid, you will have the opportunity in this season of your life to let go more easily, to let things flow more smoothly, and accept change without the resistance and struggle you habitually put forth at these times.

A lesson I must learn from this challenge.

Cloud – To live with uncertainty rather than fight against it. The unknown can be terrifying, or it can simply be something you’ve yet to discover.  In letting go of the fight against change, you will learn to better accept the unknown and not let it give rise to your anxiety.

How this challenge will make me a better person.

Lily – You will find yourself feeling calmer and more peaceful, and able to handle changes in a more mature and measured way. Remember that if you don’t take the lesson and learn from it, you don’t end up with the boon at the end when you grow from the experience.  Growth is very much the boon of this particular lesson.

DECK USED:  HOPING SOUL LENORMAND

Survival Tactics

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Today’s meditation was just over twelve minutes long and was (for once) not a guided meditation.  Instead I meditated to some new music that I came across (or, well, new to me anyway), with the interval timer added in for my piriformis stretching. The meditation was relaxing and the music felt like it went through a seasonal shift that was really nice, flowing from spring to summer to autumn throughout the length of the track.

Lonely Ice Tarot and Thera-Pets Emotional Support Animal CardsToday’s draw is the Seven of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of taking off with that which is not yours, leaving behind that which you cannot carry, strategy and cunning, betrayal, and other themes to do with deception or subterfuge.

There isn’t really a lot to go off of in this card and yet what’s depicted here looks a whole lot like seagulls, which I feel is the perfect bird for this card because they are absolutely sneaky as fuck.  Ride enough Washington ferries and you learn not to take your food outside.  Any type of food. Or anything shiny, for that matter, either.

They will steal from you at the first opportunity and they are as slick as snot about it too.  They can hover silently in the air just out of sight behind you then dip in and swipe what they want without a sound. Over a lifetime of riding the ferries, I have watched them steal french fries, hamburgers, sandwiches, cookies, ice cream (that one was interesting), hair clips, key fobs, and more.  Although this makes them thieves, this also makes them very cunning and great survivalists.

And that carries us over to what is said on the Thera-Pets card today, which is that above all else? Survival will happen.  When we fall, we rise.  We don’t stay on the ground forever, melt into the pavement and rot away right there on the ground.  We get up.  We move on.  The scrapes on our knees heal up and we learn from the experience and move on.

Tripping and falling on pavement is not the only way in which we fall… in which I fall.   Depression. Pain. Dropping a knife to run clean through my foot.  All of these things make me feel fractured sometimes.  But as fractured as I might become…. I will rise and I will heal.  I will survive and find a way forward… because I’m a survivor and it’s what I do.   We are all survivors… and we do what we need to do to survive, to learn, and to grow from each bump, scrape, and fall that we experience along life’s path.

DECK USED:  LONELY ICE TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS

LionHart’s Mercury Retrograde Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question:  What have I learned or has come to my attention during this Rx?

Cosmic Slumber Tarot

Reading Summary:  Everything (The Universe) doesn’t have to be perfect (Ten of Pentacles Rx atop Ace of Torches) in order to make time for self care (Queen of Pentacles).

Take Away:  I have a habit of putting off self-care until I ‘feel like it’ or until it feels like there’s time for it. I will go from project to project, from task to task, saying “I’ll do this self care thing next… just after this is done” and prioritize my responsibilities and drive above the nurturing of my self over and again.   Over the course of this Mercury Rx I have been stuck within the depression, and through my experience with my depression this time around, I’ve caught myself in this habit again and again… and come to realize that putting it off isn’t doing me any good.  Instead?  It’s just making it impossible to include my self-care into my day at all.

DECK USED:  COSMIC SLUMBER TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  Who in my life needs extra attention at this time?

Lonely Ice TarotThis is me.  The Queen of Swords is the “mother’s son” that I am… and the King of Swords is the “better” I want to be.  It is about taking what I have been given and becoming more.  About not being my mother, but my own man and using those shared skills in better and safer ways.   The Knight of Coins is my desire to continue my growth forward, and determination take my own path based on what is right for me rather than the one others might try to lay out for me.

The person in my life that needs extra attention at this time is me.  It’s in the cards, but even more specifically, it was in my gut the moment I saw these faces, and the eyes that stared out from them in the Queen and the Knight as if piercing the soul.

DECK USED:  LONELY ICE TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I’m staying up late to get some Gideon time, because today sucked and I wasn’t able to spend time with him earlier in the day.