Month: January 2020

Growth and Uncertainty

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was not guided.  Nor did I listen to music or any other audible agents to help me focus.   Instead, I spent the ten minutes in my regular piriformis stretch, while taking a slow meander through different physical sensations.

This was more of an exploration and appreciation of sensations as a whole, from that of the pain in my hips from the stretch, to the comforting warmth of the blanket I’d draped over my torso, to the cool nip of the air as it entered in through my nose on each breath.   It was very relaxing, and just what I needed.

The Moon - Spacious TarotToday’s draw is the Moon card, which is the eighteenth card in the Major Arcana, and whose meaning is seated in the themes of uncertainty, confusion, and illusion.

The thing is?   Sometimes uncertainty and confusion has a purpose.   It’s not fun, and it’s not comfortable, but growing pains rarely are.  And sometimes?  That’s what uncertainty and confusion is all about.   Growth.

That’s what I see in the appearance of the Moon in today’s draw.  I see it in the moon in the sky and in the fungi and flowers below reaching up towards the moon’s glow.   When we have moments of uncertainty and confusion, maybe there are times when a better path would be to examine where and why, and take some time exploring that fully… rather than just trying to ignore it or “fix” it.

DECK USED:  SPACIOUS TAROT

#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question: What gift awaits me in 2020?

Vindur Tarot

Reading Summary: Better financial security (Ten of Coins), but I’ll have to work to get there (Three of Wands) because there is going to be a lot of ups and downs along the way (Wheel of Fortune).

Take Away:  I am actually really surprised at the directness of this deck’s voice, which feels very similar to Lenormand.  Anyway, on to the reading… Sometimes gifts aren’t free, and sometimes?  The gift is in the work itself.   That’s what I see in the cards here.  The gift is not so much about the better financial security, although that is always something that I appreciate.  Instead, the gift is about the work in getting there and the lessons I learn along the way.  Lessons that will teach me how to better deal with those ups-and-downs that life deals out so readily.

DECK USED:  THE VINDUR TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: What do you take too seriously?

Spirit of the Flowers Tarot

Reading Summary:   Short answer?  Myself.   When things get difficult (Five of Pentacles) or uncertain (The Moon), I have a really bad habit of bearing down on myself (The Emperor) and assessing myself too harshly (Judgement).

Take Away:  I am always quite hard on myself, which is something I’m aware of and I know I need to work on.  I am constantly pushing myself to do better, to be better, etc. Uncertainty, especially, incites this reaction from me.  But, the kind of struggles and scarcity issues that the Five of Pentacles represent?  They are absolutely the type to illicit uncertainty in me as well, so it is not so much a different issue, but something that compounds the issue.

DECK USED:  SPIRIT OF THE FLOWERS TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge Prompt
Question: What makes my ideal day?

Jeremy Miranda Oracle Cards

Reading Summary: Relaxation and the opportunity to delve into (First Card) my creative endeavors (Second Card) without the need to rush or the pressure of others to bother me (Third Card), which allows me to let go of my analytic need for perfection and instead find perfection within imperfections and flow with that mentality (Fourth Card).

Take Away:  For me to actually relax, I need to feel that everything is stable and under control.  The house in the first card indicates this to me.  The turquoise door speaks of everything being well in hand, the box structure one that speaks of stability.  The ladder in the first card speaks of escaping to a secret world, which combined with the overlay of the second card, reinforces that “secret world” feel while the table and art supplies indicate artistic and creative endeavors.

The shelter depicted in the second picture along with the sunset beyond it’s walls speaks of extreme relaxation.  The day is ending and everything is quiet and calm, there is protection provided, which when combined with the warm tones of the sunset creates a sense of comforting protection and warmth.

In the last photo three is the lapping waves and beauty of the landscape, but the surface from which you stand is rickety and falling apart.  Sometimes?   Decay is beautiful.  It’s messy and disorganized and lacks structure… and yet it is its own kind of perfection.  When I am stressed, I have a hard time seeing the beauty in chaos.  When I am relaxed, though, I can not just see it, but also appreciate it.

DECK USED:  JEREMY MIRANDA ORACLE CARDS

Taking The First Step

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was just over eleven minutes long and focused on how sometimes we fill our lives up with so much noise that we lose track of our path, and how important it is to slow down and take the time to connect with silence and stillness so that we can delve deep into our selves, our values, and our motivations.

If you don’t take the time to know yourself, then you end up missing an entire aspect of the world, and the depths of our interaction with it.   In that aspect we find perspective and understanding that isn’t available when dealing with ourselves and others on a purely surface level.

As deep as we know ourselves in our day to day, there are always inner depths yet to plunge into and explore.  Depths that can only be reached through stillness and silence and taking the time to do so.  Meditation allows for that exploration.

Wheel of Fortune - Efflorescent TarotToday’s draw is the Wheel of Fortune card of the Major Arcana, which is not just my birth card for this year but also appears to be my stalker card for the beginning of the year.

This card’s traditional meanings deal with the ups and downs of life, and with luck (both good and bad).  It can also mean a turning point as well as a resistance to change, and I’m starting to think that the stalking aspect of the card during this time of year has to do with those latter meanings rather than the former ones.

As a stalker card, it’s asking me to seek deeper meaning, and there is definitely a time of transition going on for me in a lot of areas.  There is also a sense of resistance in some ways, because I feel like I am dragging my feet on getting started on things.

The fact is that a journey can only start once you take the first step.  It can be a small step, but it has to happen.   So I feel the message of today’s card isn’t so much about the ups and downs, or even about luck.  It’s about movement, and taking that first step.

DECK USED: THE EFFLORESCENT TAROT (COLOR EDITION)

#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question: What can I do to prepare myself for that obstacle? (Build off yesterday’s cards.)

Jeremy Miranda Oracle Cards

Reading Summary:  The obstacle in yesterday’s read was about tripping over my own pride.

In the first card, I see a simple and stable home that blends in well with the earthy surroundings and draws focus to the window devoid of curtains.   This card indicates a need to keep one’s mind and heart open to both the view you can obtain within yourself, as well as at the world outside yourself.  Entertaining different perspectives while staying grounded and stable can sometimes be difficult, and pride is a hindrance to this goal.  By being mindful of this and fostering this multi-perspective view, it can help to then combat against the pitfalls of pride.

Within the second card, there is a comfortable if sparse room with a warm fire burning in the fireplace.  The card speaks to me of that inner self and allowing yourself to find comfort and warmth within yourself.  This comfort and warmth allows for kindness to the self.  Pride is cold and hard, and what comes from it is also cold and hard.  By allowing some space for simplicity and warmth within the soul, pride has less room to take hold and grow into a problem.

The image in the third card speaks to me of escaping cold chaos for inner warmth and inner calm.  As I mentioned before, pride is a cold emotion and is often used to cover up the turbulence of uncertainty.  Fostering inner calm gives you somewhere to go to escape that cold conflict that can encourage pride to rear its head as a defense mechanism.

Take Away:  The cards indicate that to prepare myself for the possibility of a “flare up” of pride and possibility of tripping over it, I need to stay grounded and down to earth with an open outlook while keeping things simple and remembering to foster an inner warmth and inner calm that I can touch base with when things feel uncertain.

DECK USED: JEREMY MIRANDA ORACLE CARDS

#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: Something that you miss more than you realize and can bring back into your life?

The Circle Inner Animal Tarot

Reading Summary:  Time spent in liminal spaces (Infinite Circle) within the deep forest (Ten of Pentacles) brings me happiness (The Sun).

Take Away:  I need to start going hiking again.   I haven’t been out into the depths of the rainforest since the first week of November. That bond with nature and lingering in the liminal spaces that reside there are refreshing to me in a way nothing else is.  I need to make the time to get back out there, which will lift up my mood and be healing to my inner spirit and inner spark.

DECK USED:  THE CIRCLE – INNER ANIMAL TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge Prompt
Question: What makes my ideal life?

Accurate AF TarotReading Summary:  Knowing that I have moved through life’s change and challenges (Death) while holding strong to the parameters of my values and personal moral compass (Judgement and Strength).  Being able to do this while exploring my creative ideas (Ace of Wands) and obtaining my goals (King of Pentacles).

Take Away:  Both exploring the spark of my creative spirit as well as obtaining my goals are very important to finding satisfaction in my life, but in order for that life to be considered “ideal”, I also need to be able to adhere to my personal values, ethics, and morals through the challenges and changes that life presents to me.

DECK USED:  ACCURATE AF TAROT

Playing Favorites

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

So, Pagan Perspective is back online after their winter break and did new videos this week, but I felt very uninspired by the topic, which is about looking back at 2019 and ahead into 2020 and what our plans are.   I’m a bit burnt out on the whole transition from 2019 to 2020.   It seems to be all that’s focused on at this time of year from YouTube videos to writing prompts, tarot prompts, journal entries, etc.

So… I decided to do a different topic for this week.  Namely, since a few days ago I focused on what my favorite Major Arcana card in the tarot is (The Hanged Man), I thought today I would focus on a similar question.

Topic for the Week of 1/6: What is the card that you identify with most strongly from the Minor Arcana?  And, if it is different, what is your favorite card from the Minor Arcana?

Two of Pentacles

This is probably not surprising, but in the Minor Arcana, I associate most strongly with the Two of Pentacles.   I struggle with finding balance, and when I look at the imagery on most two of pentacles, that’s exactly what I see.   I see an eternal juggling of responsibilities, as I seek a balance that works for all.

The relationship and identifying I feel with this card isn’t surprising.  I hold down between three and five part time jobs depending on the season, plus run a home business.  I’m on my building’s administration board, and in a long distance relationship that requires my time and attention.  Add into this family responsibilities, medical responsibilities, and all the other things that make up a life as well as my own personal self care?   It’s a lot to keep in balance as the needs and responsibilities for each element are constantly changing.

Sometimes it feels like juggling and sometimes it’s even fun, other times it feels overwhelming, but it is a never ending task, which is what I see the infinity loop around the pentacles as being a symbol of in the card’s imagery.

Ten of Swords

Unlike in the Major Arcana where my favorite card and the card I identify strongest with are the same card, in the Minor Arcana this isn’t the case.

In the Minor Arcana, my favorite card in a tarot deck is the Ten of Swords.

This is because I appreciate a good warning that something’s coming that’s really going to hurt. I do predictive readings, and to me? That’s what this card says most often. It says, “Take a breath and keep moving. This shit is really going to hurt.”

It can also often feel a bit like compassionate understanding that sometimes to move through something or move on from something? It has to hurt… and that that’s natural and okay.

Stop Stalling

/ Twist the Leaf / 2 Comments

Today’s meditation was just over fourteen minutes long and I tried another of those “contacting your spirit guides” meditations on YouTube.   This one was better than the last one, but… not by much.   I think it would have been okay for me if it wasn’t for the occasional operatic singer “voices of the angels style” in the background that kept making my shoulder spasm.

I wish I could find something with a soothing voice and a more natural background sound.  All the new-age synthetics is really annoying to me.

Eight of Wands - Spacious TarotToday’s draw is the Eight of Wands, which feels like a reiteration of yesterday’s challenge prompts.    That is to say that the one of the most common traditional meanings of the Eight of Wands is swift action.

In yesterday’s card of the day and prompts, it dealt with the stymie of being stuck on how to move forward on multiple levels after the break and breather I took following the holiday rush.   The advice was that movement is needed, but that I need to take it one step at a time.

Today’s card is essentially saying “come on, get off your ass and start moving already”.

DECK USED:  SPACIOUS TAROT

#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question: What obstacle can I anticipate over the next 12 months?

Fey Tarot

Reading Summary:  I need to make sure that I don’t trip over my own pride (Five of Swords), that could hinder my emotional development (Queen of Chalices).  This year is going to have a lot of ups and downs along the way (Wheel of Fortune) and I will need that new level of emotional depth and developing stability in order to help me through the rough parts.

Take Away:  This year’s birth card for me, as mentioned before, is the Wheel of Fortune.  And I fully expect that, as promised, the year is going to be chock-full of ups and downs. The cards in relation to it are a warning that pride becomes before the fall.  If I want to find that balance and development I’m seeking this year concerning the new depth of emotions I began to tap into last fall, I need to cast aside my pride and be open to some difficult lessons along the way.

DECK USED:  FEY TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: What do I need to focus on for self care during this full moon?

Tarot Cats

Reading Summary:  I’m feeling especially unfocused (Knight of Swords) and need to let go of my defense mechanisms (Nine of Wands) concerning the new level of emotions I’ve been dealing with (Ace of Cups).  Unless I’m willing to be open to them and share them, I won’t be able to move forward (Two of Wands).

Take Away:  That new level of emotional depth I started to discover and experience in the fall was set on the back burner for the holiday rush.  Now that the rush is over, it’s trying to shift itself back into place and towards the surface, but I’ve been subconsciously resisting the shift.  It’s time to let go of that restraint and allow myself the freedom to explore so that I can move forward with learning how to adjust to and live with this new depth rather than trying to ignore it or push it away.

DECK USED:  TAROT CATS

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge Prompt
Question: What makes a completed goal?

Field TarotReading Summary:  The satisfaction (King of Cups) of my curiosity (Princess of Swords). I then need time to take a break (Eight of Cups) and release the tight grip on my burdens (Ten of Wands) while assessing my performance and its end results (Judgement).

Take Away:  To feel a goal has been completed, I need to feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that my curiosities have been fully sated and there’s nothing more to be done.  I then need time to take a break and a breather away from what I’ve been working on to relieve any burnout I’ve been experiencing and give me time to release my sense of being burdened or overwhelmed.  During this time, it is important for me to assess my performance and its end results in order for me to feel as if my goal has truly been met and I can then set aside the drive to get there and “get it right”.

DECK USED:  THE FIELD TAROT

 

A Letter to Mother

/ Twist the Leaf / 2 Comments

A letter I will never deliver, but… needed to get out of my system somehow.

rain

Dear Mère

I am hurting, and you don’t care. You are the perpetrator, and… you don’t care.

When I was growing up, and even as an adult before dad passed away, I saw you as warm and caring. I saw you as a wonderful and supportive mother. I was blind to, and amused by, your frivolous antics and society focused views. Your constant desire to have us look our best and present at our best was simply a part of your motherly charms.

And then father died, and you seemed to drop the charade that I didn’t even realize you were performing. You became clear about your disgust concerning my orientation, where before you had seemed supportive in contrast to father’s constant berating. You stopped trying to conceal your shallow and self-centered interests and goals behind a motherly façade.

Perhaps we are at fault for perpetuating your behavior. After all, in our home your children’s birthdays are not celebrated. Instead, those birthdays are another “Mother’s Day” with the focus upon you and the life you have given to us. Father left decisions up to you, because he was focused upon appearances as well, and you made certain he was pleased with how others viewed our family, even after I emancipated from it in my teens.

I now realize that the pagan parenting mentor you sought out when we were children wasn’t because you wanted to find a better path to integrate your faith into your children’s lives… but because you wanted to be less involved, and you treated Z like a nanny, handing us over to her so that you could wash your hands of the heavy lifting. I now realize that it was Z that raised me through that second half of my childhood, and Z that taught me about values, ethics, and morals… whereas what you taught me was about social mores, with a heavy stress on the “social” part of that equation.

I have realized very clearly of late that our value to you is based upon what we can do for you. The dance classes, the etiquette lessons, the constant pressure to look “presentable” and “perfect” whenever we might be seen by others either outside the home or within it. It wasn’t for our benefit as you so very carefully had us believe. We were rare and beautiful trinkets to be shown off and admired by all. A set of beautiful, exotic looking twins that were both loyal and well mannered no matter the occasion of situation. A social stepping stone to elevate you above others.

But we are no longer children, mother. We are not pawns in your game of life to be positioned at your whim. L and I are not toys to strategically maneuver into place for your social or economical benefit.

Please stop.

Stop trying to show us off to your cocktail party friends, country club acquaintances, and foundation associates. Stop pressuring L to move back in with you so she will be more available to be manipulated and used to your benefit whenever you desire to do so.

And for fuck sake, STOP trying to pressure and blackmail me into going on dates with “the eligibles” of your circle in the hopes for a “good match”. A match that would only be good for you and you alone. I’m with someone. I have been with him for nearly twelve years. I’m not going to leave him (or betray him) just because he’s of no use to you.

Honestly? I don’t even know why you’re trying. After the way you reacted when I was attacked and obtained my facial scar, I was sure this shit was over where I was concerned.

The next time you spring another “date” on me, I will make such an embarrassment out of you that you won’t be able to show your face among your circle again without being snickered at and mocked. Do not give out my phone number. Do not send people to my door. I’ve had enough.  (This part I have already clearly communicated to you, and I really hope that you were listening.)

I love you. Despite your flaws and your selfishness. I love you, and I always will.

But it’s time to stop.

Your wayward son,

L

The Quagmire

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was twelve minutes long, and was an activity in sensory awareness, and using the five senses in a productive way that can reduce moments of anxiety.

The activity starts off with the meditative breathing, and then moves through finding five things you can see.  Then four things you can hear.  Three things you can feel (tactile). Two things you can smell.  Then one thing you can taste.

By focusing on each sense individually, you sort of “distract” your anxiety away from whatever has been triggering to you.  I think that it could also work really well to bring you down into a meditative state at times when having trouble focusing during meditation.  That’s something I’ll explore another day, though.

Efflorescent Tarot (Color Edition)Today’s draw is the Eight of Swords, which is a representation of being trapped in your own “mental mess”.

This is very much a clear representation of me of late.  I feel like I am stuck.  Stuck in regards to the business.  Stuck in regards to the clutter in my home at the moment. Stuck in my spiritual development. Stuck in the quagmire of being… stuck.

It’s like the “pause” in the new year where you go into reflection of the past year and consideration of future steps turned into cement that is drying around my feet.

Today’s appearance of the Eight of Swords is an encouragement to seek a path out of the “stuck” that I currently find myself in.  This feeling is one of my own making, and it needs to have a light shined on it so that I can find the steps forward out of the mire rather than standing in it and growing roots there while the cement dries.

DECK USED:  THE EFFLORESCENT TAROT (COLOR EDITION)

#TarotForGrowthJanuary Challenge Prompt
Question: How can I do so without neglecting my own needs? (Build off yesterday’s cards.)

Bohemian Animal Tarot

Reading Summary: Be selective in who I offer my help to (King of Earth), and make sure they are appreciative (Six of Fire) of what I have to offer (The Shaman).

Take Away:  Yesterday’s read was about friends that come to me for an open ear or a bit of guidance.  Today’s reminds me that I can’t be that for everyone.  In order to keep from becoming overwhelmed and to allow myself space for my own self care, I need to be selective concerning those I offer that ear and advice to.  And in order to keep from becoming frustrated or resentful, I need to make sure that those I give these gifts to value them rather than disregarding them as either inconsequential or their due.

DECK USED:  BOHEMIAN ANIMALS TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJan2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: Do Spread #2

Lo Scarabeo TarotReading Summary: The Moon focuses this reading upon my uncertainties in moving into the new year.

The Ace of Wands indicates that the new beginnings planned for my business are feeling a bit overwhelming. The redirection is a new ambition in this area, and that newness can can cause a “sit and stew” situation when there is a lack in push to move forward.  This doesn’t have to deal with just the business, as I had a lot of “newness” to explore in the new year.  Things I put off emotionally, spiritually, as well as concerning my business ambitions.

The Knight of Swords indicates that I’m stuck too much in the mud of the ideas and inspirations, and not pushing forward as much as I need to.  What started out as a rest after the holidays has turned into a stymied situation that I really need to push to get through and out of.  Because there is so much newness in so many areas, the Knight here speaks of finding focus.  You can’t charge forward without having a direction to charge into.

The Knight of Cups makes it clear that without emotional investment, I’m not going to break free of the quagmire that I find myself in. Don’t close my emotions off and go about things as if everything is fine.  Instead, use my emotions as motivation to drive me forward and into action.

The Three of Pentacles reminds me that I am not alone.  Not in any of this.  I have support when I need it, and help whenever I need to ask for it.  I don’t need to do it all by myself and will become better at these different aspects I’m struggling with if I bring in others to help me learn along the way.

Take Away:  Too much new shit on my plate at one time.  If I want to get going with the things I want to change, I need to pick a direction and go instead of stewing in uncertainty and letting that uncertainty mire me deeper and deeper in immobility.

DECK USED:  LO SCARABEO TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge Prompt
Question: Where could others benefit from me contributing more?

Spirit of the Flowers TarotReading Summary:  These cards are a reiteration of the Tarot for Growth answer for today.   They speak of choosing recipients of my time and attention by looking at the long-term benefits (Seven of Pentacles) that my contributions will offer to others to help them through times of overwhelm (Ten of Wands) and emotional development (Knave of Chalices) by using my skills at guidance to help them along their path (The Hierophant).

Take Away:  I feel that this read is about how others benefit more, but also myself.  It speaks of the need to look at a larger picture and a more far-reaching development and result when I choose those that I share my time, advice, and knowledge with.  Those “fly by night” friends and students will only benefit a small amount, and I will only benefit in helping them by a small amount.  If I really want a beneficial relationship with helping others, I need to look for those that are going to carry those lessons forward into their lives.

DECK USED:  SPIRIT OF THE FLOWERS TAROT