Month: February 2021

On the Path of Emotional Growth

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I laid down to do it… and dozed off.   So, yeah.  it just didn’t end up done.  Perhaps before bed.

The Destiny Deck - Page of CupsToday’s draw is the Page of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of the learning process embedded within the experience of creativity, the exploration of one’s emotions, and the possibilities that are born from curiosity.

Something I’ve found from working with this deck for a bit is that I don’t find it especially inspiring for intuitive reading.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful and I have clients that absolutely love it… it just doesn’t do much for me personally.

So… I will take the message from the card itself rather than anything that stands out to me in the imagery of the card.

Above all else? The Page of Cups resonates with me when I think of the emotional growth I’ve been going through over the past year.  The process of allowing my motions to breathe and exist, the learning of words to express them. and finding a way to be more open with others concerning my emotions… and open with myself about them.   This growth process has not been easy, but I look back and realize now that I’ve made progress… even as I have a long way further left to go.

DECK USED:  THE DESTINY DECK

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Invisible wounds
Question: What invisible wounds help in feeding my depression?

Tarot Skrytých Světů

Reading Summary: I deal with a lot of conflict (Seven of Wands) dealing with the contrast between how I was taught to deal with the world and my responsibilities (Page of Swords), and the new path I have been working to establish (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  I’ve spent a long ass time treating myself like crap and beating myself up both as I push myself to do too much and then berating myself for not doing even more. The wounds from my past that taught me this way of doing things are still there, even as I try to turn things around and do them differently now.  These wounds help feed my depression, although are surely not the only thing that does.

DECK USED:  TAROT SKRYTÝCH SVĚTŮ (SHADOWSCAPES TAROT CZECH EDITION)

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Draw or write something free form inspired by the card(s).

The Destiny DeckWhen walking along one’ s path
through the journey of life
we focus on the journey
and try to avoid strife.
But when it comes
we must rise to the challenge
and push back against those
that try to take vantage.
Through this process
we learn and grow
and the path we take
becomes our unique flow.

DECK USED:  THE DESTINY DECK

Daily Self Kindness

I allowed myself to let loose and drown today.  ❤️

Gideon’s Challenge

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Nature’s Whispers

Sit down and relax
among the trees
and moss that
covers everything
And in the stillness
that is not still
and the silence
that is not silent
feel the whispering
of secrets
within every frond
and each branch
as cool damp air
kisses the skin
and tiny rustles
speak of playful sprites.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

It’s Okay To Look Back

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RecoveryToday’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was not a guided meditation.  I listened, instead, to the sound of snowflakes falling on my balcony while focusing upon the thoughts and feelings that were brought up by the image on the right.

This image came up in my IG feed and although it is normally targeted about sobriety (something I had to look up, because that is not how it struck me personally), what it spoke to me on was how openly I share my experiences with depression and subdrop.

It made me consider the reasons I am open about my mental health, and take time to really look at them. The thing is, by being open it does in fact create a form of vulnerability.  And I’m not particularly a fan of vulnerability.  And yet, even with that factor as a part of it… I’m still open about it.  I still openly share my experiences and educate others.   So… why?

The reason is simple in a way.  It’s because others can’t or won’t.  Because I know what it feels like to hide these things and pretend everything is fine. I know what it’s like to disappear from the world for weeks or months at a time to keep from subjecting others to my imbalances.   And I know how very, horribly, damagingly alone that all feels.  I want those that share similar experiences to know that they aren’t alone.  And, I want those that don’t have experiences with depression to learn and understand so that when others in their lives suffer, they can have a bit of understanding and sympathy for them.

Keeping mental health issues a secret helps no one.  It just keeps things a secret and keeps people uneducated.  It causes those with issues to seclude themselves, closing themselves off from the love and support that they need.

Victorian Romantic Tarot - Eight of CupsToday’s draw is the Eight of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of  the “fuck that, I’m leaving” sentiment.  It is filled with the need to withdraw due to feelings of disappointment or abandoning a project or situation due to feelings of discouragement.

The imagery in this card softens the meaning of the card for me as it is quite genteel in its presentation.  But, what really stands out to me in the imagery of this card today has less to do with the retreat and abandonment aspects… and everything to do with looking back.

This is because what stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today is the dog.  Although the dog follows his mistress, he pauses to look back. Whether this glance back is to assess what is being left behind, or to ascertain if anything follows them, is unclear.

Either way, the message here is that although there is a vast amount of romanticism (thank you cinema) in the idea of not looking back when you move on, realistically it’s not always the healthiest choice.   If you feel you need to look back in order to find closure?  It’s okay to do so.  If you feel that you need to look back to compare then to now and make sure you made the right choice?  That’s okay too.   It’s impossible to tell how far we have come without looking back to see where we are coming from, after all.

DECK USED:  VICTORIAN ROMANTIC TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Generosity
Question: How can I best be generous with myself without “dropping the ball” on my responsibilities?

Modern Love Tarot

Strength – You are strong enough to handle all of your responsibilities, including fulfilling your self-care responsibilities to yourself.

Queen of Cups atop Page of Cups – Remember that you don’t know everything when it comes to your own emotions, and that you’re still very deeply immersed within a learning phase.  It’s okay to not be able to find the words to say what you’re feeling, find words instead to express what it feels like and you will in time learn what that emotion is called as well as how to interact with and process it.

The Devil atop The Hanged Man – Take time between indulging in your addictions to ascertain the motivations behind what you’re doing, and if you really want to indulge in this moment or pass and wait for the next.   Yes, sometimes waiting bites you on the ass and you regret it for years (or longer) afterward, but that doesn’t mean you need to jump every time the urge strikes you.  It just means that that time, it wasn’t meant to be.

DECK USED:  MODERN LOVE TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Do Spread 2
Question: How can I better keep up on my self-care when I’m not “feeling it”?

Victorian Romantic TarotReading Summary: Sometimes slowing down (Eight of Wands Rx) to rest (Four of Swords) and be grateful (Nine of Cups) is enough.

Take Away: It’s important to not make self care start to feel like it’s a chore.  If you have to skip something now and then, then skip it.  It’s okay.   Just don’t make a habit out of it or not pick it back up again.

Times of depression, especially, are extenuating circumstances.  It’s natural to feel uninspired during these times.   As long as you aren’t bailing on taking care of yourself entirely and you’re making sure you are taking things slow and getting the rest you need… don’t beat yourself up over the rest.  Things will balance back out, and that includes the self care.

DECK USED:  VICTORIAN ROMANTIC TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I let myself get an extra half hour of sleep this morning because I really didn’t feel like getting up.  It was so good even if the dreams weren’t especially all that great.

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_4242PreDawn Encounter

Early morning
no one there
breath panting
in the cold air
a flicker of red
among the gray
a little tugboat
coming my way
it causes ripples
upon water’s surface
as it passes by
to it’s own purpose
and away I go
thru morning dew

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Self Care Saturday (On a Sunday)

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These Saturday readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and is not meant as a predictive reading… although that, too, happens on occasion.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

Victorian Romantic Tarot, Magical Menagerie Oracle, Dreamscape Oracle

Earth – Ten of Pentacles atop Queen of Swords, Sow atop Pegasus – Things are good… Make sure that you’re keeping an eye on things so that they stay that way.  Make sure that you approach this watchfulness through a place of nurturing and encouragement towards growth instead of a mindset of perfectionism and rigid idealism.

Air – High Priestess and Firebird – Let your intuition guide you and making plans and strategizing your way forward. Changes to your business are troubling your mind, but your intuition combined with your inner knowledge on how to proceed to your best advantage will keep things on track.  Trust yourself.

Water – Four of Pentacles atop The Moon, Fox – Don’t sit on your laurels. Backsliding is still possible. Use your natural cunning intelligence to plot and plan so that you do not find yourself stalling out and stagnant, as that stagnancy will allow uncertainty to slip in and begin to drag you back down again.

Fire – Page of Cups atop Seven of Pentacles, Cow – Be patient and don’t let your current emotions veer you off your chosen path. Taking your time will allow the wealth and good fortune you seek through your endeavors to come your way. So be sure that you are fostering growth and not looking for immediate gratification.

Waning – Sea Turtle – Just drifting along is not going to work for you any longer.  This doesn’t mean it’s time to be setting out concrete plans, but it means that you need to be prepared and ready to move when the time is right.

Waxing – The Spring – It’s time to focus on healing, hope, and optimism.  Now is the time to allow yourself to climb and to reach for the light that shimmers above.  Use this time to cleanse your inner negativity and seek a healthier outlook and path.

Take Away – Sometimes avoiding stagnancy and backsliding is more about mindset than action, and this week will be one of those weeks.  Make sure you are focusing on the positive and not allowing space for negative inner dialogue to sneak in and gain strength. Remember that you are intelligent, capable, and cunning.  There may be a few hurdles this week concerning your business, but you’ve got this… and you’ll come out the other end all the better if you take time to prepare mentally and physically for the challenges to come.

DECKS USED:  VICTORIAN ROMANTIC TAROT, MAGICAL MENAGERIE ORACLE, DREAMSCAPE ORACLE

Sometimes Support Helps

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I got home late and didn’t want to wait any longer than needed to get online and spend some time with Gideon.  I then ended up taking a nap while he went to town so I guess maybe I should’ve meditated before my nap, but I didn’t.

Modern Love Tarot - The ChariotToday’s draw is the Chariot card, which is traditionally a representation of willpower and movement forward driven by determination.

Not surprisingly, what stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of today’s card is the pup with the wheel apparatus.  Also posture of the woman walking the dogs and tilt of her head.

The message here is that sometimes to move forward we need a helping hand, no matter how determined we are.  Just as the dog is able to keep going by the grace of the wheels the pup wears.

The woman walks with pride and strength, and the tilt of her head and her posture remind me of my sister.  It’s a reminder that my sister is a part of my support system, and when I feel my drive or will faltering, she is someone I can turn to to alternately kick me in the ass, or help me find what I need to keep going.

DECK USED:  MODERN LOVE TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Resistance 
Question: What is the path forward to sharing my emotions more freely with others?

Romantic Tarot

Reading Summary: Judicious sharing is important (The Hanged Man). Take things slowly and do what you can a bit at a time (Page of Coins) so that you don’t end up paying for impulsive follies (Justice).

Take Away:  It is so ingrained within me to keep my emotions to myself and buried deep that sometimes it feels nearly impossible to express them clearly. It often feels like more than just restraint but an inner resistance that I have to fight against just to get out the words. That is, when I even have the words to get them out in a clear way.  The cards here indicate that the endeavor to be more open is not an unwise one, but is one in which a bit of care and precaution needs to be taken in order to ensure repercussions don’t come back to smack me in the face as a result of doing so.

DECK USED:  ROMANTIC TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  How can I best become more confident in the skill? (Built on yesterday’s prompt.)

Modern Love TarotReading Summary: Use that skill only when you need it (Four of Cups) and don’t hesitate (Knight of Pentacles Rx), your heart and intuition will lead the way (Ace of Cups).

Take Away: The skill in question is to make quick and decisive decisions on the fly when needed that turn out okay in the end and, in fact, often even end up benefiting me or my business.

The key to becoming more confident in this skill is in not overusing it.  When it’s needed, it will be there for you and is a part of my intuitive abilities.  Don’t worry about it and don’t depend on it when other tactics, such as preparation and planning, can accomplish things in a less stressful and/or reckless manner.

DECK USED:  MODERN LOVE TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I allowed myself to have today off.  I did not work on orders, nor did I even respond to customers today.  Instead I set the business aside and allowed myself to have a day away from it all.  So far, I am not feeling guilty about it.