Month: February 2021

Knowing When To Say No

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IMG_9180Today’s meditation was just under nineteen minutes long and was a guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretches (which, yes, are still being a painful pain in the ass).

The focus of today’s meditation was about the reverence we feel for that which is beyond our reach and our ken.  I said something about this earlier today in a chat when speaking about “how tarot works” and where the messages come from.  It’s important to keep in mind that there is far more in this world that we don’t grasp or understand than there is that we do. This doesn’t mean that everything we don’t understand is magic or metaphysical or even spiritual… but it means that we need to respect that the potential for what is out there is vast and appreciate that potential of possibilities.

Moondust Tarot - Six of SwordsToday’s draw is the Six of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of letting go and moving on from conflict and rough waters into something calmer and smoother.

It is the hand (big surprise here) that stands out to me in the imagery on this card today and it speaks to me of saying “stop”.  Of having an awareness of yourself and what you are willing to put up with (the eye in the center of the palm) and being able, when things go beyond that point, to put a halt to them and move on to something better.

The message in today’s card is about diligence.  It’s about watching out for yourself and making sure that you remain in a place where you can be yourself and be true to yourself… and stand up for yourself by saying “no” when something doesn’t follow along those lines for you.

Right now, what I want to say no to is the depression that is weighing me down and dragging at my insides like barb-filled black tar.  I want to turn away from it and push it away… but it is not one of those things that I have a choice in.  But what I can do is continue to work at being authentic to myself, true to my values and beliefs, and patient as the world inside my brain begins to shift and right itself again… eventually.

DECK USED:  MOON DUST TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Abundance
Question: How can I better recognize and appreciate the abundance in my life?

Destiny Deck

Reading Summary:  Remember that you are strong and capable and have the ability to take control of a situation, turn it into something you believe in and are willing to fight for, and balance that into your life.

Take Away:  This is about autonomy and the ability to build and manifest what I desire in life without “upsetting the apple cart” of my life balance in the process.  It’s important, especially right now while I’m struggling with my depression, to remember that I am still in control on what I do, where I go, what I stand for, and what I manifest in my life.

DECK USED:  DESTINY DECK

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  What in my life makes me feel the most thankful that’s in need of acknowledgement?

Moondust TarotReading Summary: That I have the ability to be decisive (Seven of Pentacles Rx)) when presented with choices (Seven of Cups) so that I don’t overwhelm myself anymore than necessary (Ten of Wands Rx).

Take Away: No hemming and hawing, no waiting for later. I rarely need to “sit on it” when needing to make a decision.  I know what is right for me and I reach for it, and am able to allow the other choices that are not as fitting to fall away. I see a lot of people that aren’t able to do this and when they are confronted with a  number of choices before them, they stall out with an inability to decide and become overwhelmed by those choices.

This is something that I very rarely have to worry about, as the majority of the time I know what is right for me and am decisive in reaching for it.  The thing is?  I rarely acknowledge this in myself or even think about it… until I see those others out there that struggle under the need to make choices.  I am very grateful I don’t spend a lot of time stewing in my choices.  Very thankful.

DECK USED:  MOON DUST TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I spent time organizing my decks today.  I’ve been feeling frustrated by the lack of space and how I struggle to find the decks I need sometimes. It’s been bugging me a lot lately and eating at me. I can’t really do anything about the lack of shelf space right now, but I was able to get my “floating” decks (decks that don’t currently have a home on a shelf or in a trunk) into a semblance of order that will hopefully make things easier.

Gideon’s Challenge

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IMG_4510The Dying Soul

Darkness
and ripples
of gray
swirl above
and I trip
over them
again and again
until knees
and hands
are bloody
and the soul
is raw
and tears flow
to blend
with the rain

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

Morning Bonus Read – Responding to Change

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The prompt for this reading came from one of my Discord servers and is as follows:
“The wheel of the year is tipping away from extreme and closer to balance. Explore this theme with your divination tools with some of the following questions.”

Whimsy Playing CardsWhat in my life is moving toward balance and away from an extreme at this time?

Jack of Diamonds – You are starting to get control over your negative thoughts and bring them back to center. This isn’t so much about the “bringing them back to center” part, which will happen on its own, but in taking that first step of awareness to what is going on and the conscious understanding that that negative inner narrative is your brain lying to you and not a reflection of reality.  As they say, being aware of the problem is the first step.

How is this affecting me mentally?

Six of Diamonds atop Queen of Diamonds – It is allowing kinder thoughts to have room to replace the abusive bitch in your head.  It is allowing you to be more generous with yourself and with what you are going through right now.

How is this affecting me emotionally?

King of Diamonds – It allows you to find the stability that you have been lacking, and see that there is a path forward.  You may not be able to grasp control at this time, but it gives you the ability to plan and strategize, which creates hope and allows you to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can’t see it just yet.

How is this affecting me physically?

Four of Hearts atop Five of Clubs – You are fighting against your need for the things that could help you feel more physically well.  The opportunities to get out and hike, or spend time in nature are being rejected as the depression makes everything feel unappealing.

How can I respond in a healthy way?

Three of Spades – Ride it out.  This is what is happening right now and you know from your past experiences with it that it’s a part of life.  And temporary.  Let it happen, ride it out.

DECK USED:  WHIMSY PLAYING CARDS

Don’t Wallow

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IMG_9165Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was a guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretches. And, it’s very clear that I’ve been skipping far too often, because my right hip is stiff as hell and it was nearly impossible to do the stretching as I normally would.  So… a few days of skipping will lead to about two months of time to regain the flexibility I’d been maintaining.  Still, it’s definitely got my attention.

The focus of today’s meditation was clearly about living in the present instead of ruminating on the past or being too focused on the future.  The thing is, though?  I say “clearly” because I don’t remember what was said in the meditation at all, but the graphic kind of speaks for itself.  I know I listened to it at the time, or at least I think that I did, but I think the depression is at a point now where I’m struggling with remembering even what happened a few hours ago with any clarity.

Tarot Skrytych Svetu - The HermitToday’s draw is the Hermit card, which is traditionally a representation of inner reflection and healthy alone time when one retreats to deal with and explore the self.

There are two things that stand out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today, which is the hag stone that the Hermit stands upon, and the geese.

The geese in this card’s imagery insinuate that the Hermit is high in the sky. Far above where geese fly in their migratory trek. This is about lift rising above, and it speaks to me (along with the light that shins so brightly) of the solitary being a healthy and healing experience.

The hag stone that the Hermit stands upon speaks to me of secrets. Hidden secrets that can only be accessed by honing in one’s view and dipping into a side of things that you don’t examine in the day to day.

The message in today’s card is reminder that alone time needs to be healthy alone time.  Just retreating to wallow in your own misery is not okay and not healthy.  If you’re going to spend alone time, make sure that it is in the pursuit of inner reflection and growth, not to allow yourself to sink into unhealthy habits and thoughts.

DECK USED:  TAROT SKRYTYCH SVETU

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What brings my heart joy?

Paulina Tarot

King of Pentacles – Stability and security. When I have that feeling of security that everything is as it should be and all is stable, I then feel free to explore my pleasures and indulge in my joys.

Ten of Swords – Knowing that even the most difficult journey comes to an end eventually. Sometimes bad shit happens.  Sometimes it happens and keeps happening and feels like it will last forever.  But the truth is?  Bad shit eventually ends, and in that moment we have the opportunity to birth a new thread.. a new journey.  It brings my heart hope, and thus joy, to know this.

Justice – That life can be fair, even if you have to work at it. I very much feel a deep seated need for balance in life… for fairness in life.  I can’t help this.  When things feel balanced and fair, even if that fairness takes from my pocket to even things out with another less fortunate, I feel good and pleased and happy.   Fairness and balance are important, and finding as well as fostering these things in life brings me joy.

DECK USED:  PAULINA TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  What personal energy will best facilitate conversation with others today?

Tarot Skrytych SvetuReading Summary: You may still be learning your way (Page of Cups), but you still need to allow your emotions to flow easily and share them with others (Ten of Cups).  There’s no use in tangling yourself up in them while trying to hide from them or avoid them (Eight of Swords).

Take Away: At the moment I am struggling with a major depressive episode and I’m struggling under it’s grip.  The emotions I’m feeling need to be expressed and communicated.  My gratitude and my love need to be expressed and communicated as well. 

My natural inclination is to hide from my emotions, especially right now when I’m vacillating between a painful numbness and extreme bouts of dark emotions. Don’t hold it in.

DECK USED:  TAROT SKRYTYCH SVETU

Daily Self Kindness

I gave myself permission to cry today, and have done so multiple times today.  I’ve napped and tried to treat myself kindly, even setting aside some of my responsibilities of the day to allow more room for myself to feel less choked up and constrained.

Try To Make It Fun

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Today’s meditation was skipped.  I’m finishing this post up a few days late, so I’m not sure what it was that caused me to skip it but I think I might have fallen asleep.

Silhouettes Tarot - Queen of WandsToday’s draw is the Queen of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of an alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s inspiration, drive, will power, and inner spark. One way of interpreting this is as a person of authority or strength, that uses that authority and strength to listen to the desires of others (or their inner self) and help them in getting involved in those things that they are inspired by, or need an extra boost of willpower in order to follow through on.

What stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today is the colors.  It’s the glow of bright yellow from the center of the card behind the queen, radiant and bright as she holds both the thorny vine as well as the beautiful sunflower.

The message that I see in this card is that you may have to be the boss today, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it… or at least try to.

DECK USED:  SILHOUETTES TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Loving myself
Question: What self-love do I need right now to help me through this dark time of pervasive depression?

Nano Starseeds Tarot

Reading Summary: You need to work at balancing (Two of Pentacles) that feeling of life’s unpredictability and instability (The Wheel of Fortune) with the solid security of Gideon’s support and love (King of Cups).

Take Away:  You need him.  You need his support and the security that he provides.  You need him to help balance out the chaos of uncertainty that you’re feeling right now.  It’s okay to need him to help you in finding that balance.  Don’t forget that he’s there for you.

DECK USED:  NANO STARSEEDS TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Ask the cards for a positive message to carry with you throughout the day.

Silhouettes TarotReading Summary: Indecision (Six of Cups) causes setbacks (Knight of Swords Rx). So take the reins and push through on what needs to be done (The Chariot). Be the boss (The Emperor).

Take Away: It’s orders day and I have to work whether I want to or not. I have to get shit done, whether I want to or not.  I have to make sure that things are still moving… whether I want to or not.  All I honestly want to do is curl up in bed and never come out.  Not to eat.  Not to work. Not to do anything.  Just burrow into the fragrant softness and let it wrap me up and drown out the rest of the world with that small amount of comfort.

But I can’t.   So sack it up and get your shit done.

DECK USED:  SILHOUETTES TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I… have no idea what I did today that would be considered  a self kindness.  Not any idea at all.

Transitioning from January to February

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Your Universe Month End Tarot Spread - January 2021

Individuality – Five of Pentacles Rx and Red Chestnut – You’re trying to pretend that everything is okay and put on a pretty face while in the grasp of your struggle.

Dependence – King of Swords, Oak atop Forget-Me-Not – You need to let go of your control issues for the time being and allow things to flow at their own pace.  Your strength of will and reason combines with your ability to manifest what you want in life is being challenged and you need to take a breath and release some control.  Nobody (living, dead, or otherwise) is going to judge you for that right now.

Creativity – Four of Cups and Aspen Rx – Stop allowing yourself to sink into the seductive feelings of pain and soul rotting darkness.  That embrace is not your friend, but if you allow yourself to wallow within it, it will encourage it to manifest more strongly in your reality and hold on even longer than it already is able.

Limitation – Three of Swords, Baby Blue Eyes, Chamomile – Complacency to the darkness encroaching upon you and the dark thoughts and influences that your mental imbalance.   These negative influences have the ability to take you deeper and deeper if you let them.

Change – King of Wands and Alpine Lily – Fight… even when it feels futile. Your will is strong and you’re a determined force.  It might not feel like fighting against the darkness helps anything, but it does. This is not a fight of brute force, but a battle of will and determination… the kind you are most adept at.

Sympathy – Three of Pentacles and Rosemary Rx – In the past you have resisted allowing people to take your responsibilities off your hand, forcing yourself to keep bearing the full weight upon your shoulders even when in the depths of the pit and surrounded by darkness. You  have learned from this experience that there is a better way.  It can be hard to follow through and allow others to bear some of the weight, but it’s important to your recovery.

Luck – Princess of Swords atop Five of Cups, Manzanita Rx – Remember that you can take what you’ve learned from past experiences and use that to overcome what is going on now. Not being able to find joy or pleasure in what usually brings these things to you is not a failing of yours but simply a symptom of the illness.  You know this… you have learned this… use this knowledge to overcome the negative whispers and dark feelings you are dealing with right now.

Power – The Moon atop Ten of Wands, Bleeding Heart – Don’t drop your burden on the ground, as this will cause uncertainty and problems down the road.  Hand it off to those that love and support you instead.  They are there to help you, they want to support you.  Don’t be so stubborn that you end up putting your responsibilities down so they aren’t being cared for instead of handing them over to those that want to help.

Responsibility – Ten of Cups and Chrysanthemum – You have the opportunity to start climbing to the light and feel good once again, but you have to pull your awareness out of the mire and misery and seek the light.  Don’t forget that it’s there just because you can’t see it right now.

Message from Spirit World / Mind’s World / Known World – This part of the reading takes a lot of focus and concentration to work through and I just can’t manage to get the mental clarity that I need at the moment to do them.  So I’m going to allow myself to skip these three prompts for this month.

Take Away – It is not surprising that the status of my state at this moment is centered around the depression that I’m experiencing.  It is the whole of my world at the moment and the advice here is sound. Let others help me with my responsibilities, keep fighting the depression and seeking the light, and make sure I do not listen to the seductive whispers in the darkness.  I will do my best to follow that advice.

DECKS USED:  HEAVEN & EARTH TAROT, FLOWER ESSENCES DECK VOL 1 & 2