Rough…
And alone
Ragged and lost
Rooted and adrift
Jagged
Angry
and yet calm
Standing tall
even as
I quake
on the inside.
Someone spit in my face today. Spit… in… my FACE.
Because I am a courteous enough to wear a mask? No.
Because of my Korean heritage.
“Go back to China and take the virus back with you,” he said.
Fuck you too asshole. I was born here.
Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was a guided meditation that focused upon the benefits of sticking to your meditation practice rather than giving up when things don’t start changing (or getting easier) right away.
This isn’t the reason that I personally give up, it seems. The problem for me is that self destructive creature that lives in my mind, hiding quietly in the shadows seeking out the small cracks and secret openings that will allow it to slip in and wreak havoc. I know about this tendency and I struggle against it all the time, but sometimes? It manages to get its nails in deep even when I’m trying my best to not let it.
Today’s draw is the Two of Fire (Two of Wands) which is traditionally interpreted as finding direction and making plans. It’s about going after what kindles your inner spark… specifically the fact that in order to head on a journey, you need to first make a plan and choose a direction.
What stands out to me the strongest in the image of this card today is the tools set on the counter. There’s a plan here, and preparation has begun to get things done. You have your tools and you have a purpose, a direction, and a plan. But also, I note that there are no hands.
This speaks to me of a reminder that planning can only take you so far, then you have to either put your plans into action, or abandon them and walk away. I don’t want to walk away… so it’s time to start moving in the direction I’ve chosen to continue in. That is, the direction of the emotional growth I’ve been working with so far through the spring and summer months.
#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to find my purpose.
Question: What are the consequences of continuing to hide from my deepest desires?
Reading Summary: 9 & 2 rx. Less connection to others (Two of Cups Rx) and less satisfaction in my successes (Nine of Pentacles Rx), as well as increased apathy and and a more vocal inner critic casting judgment upon myself (Justice).
Take Away: When you don’t take care of yourself, the scales of balance tip and the result is that you end up less healthy and less well internally too. Apathy and negative thoughts creep in to pollute your thoughts and feelings, making it harder to bond with others and connect deeply with them, as well as making it difficult to enjoy your success because you’re too focused upon what you are perceiving as your failures.
#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Topic: Unexpected Boon / Potential Obstacle
Reading Summary: Being able to get to that place of abundant stability and security that I crave (Ten of Pentacles), even though the emotions feel like they stand in the way (Ace of Cups).
Take Away: The unexpected boon here is the ability to find that place of abundance regardless of the hurdles along the way. The potential obstacle is self doubt. It’s about the fact that I rarely see my path on an emotional level but rather a logical one. If I want to make sure that the emotional side of things is not an obstacle, I need to learn how to handle my emotions and use them to my advantage instead of allowing them to hold me up or drag me back.
#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
Topic: listen // learn // teach
Listen – The Hanged Man – Make sure I am not closing myself off to other perspectives and ideas. Sometimes when I am feeling vulnerable I struggle with staying open, but in truth… these times are the most opportune times in which to learn. It’s important to stay open so that the discomfort is something learned from rather than just something gotten through and discarded.
Learn – Seven of Cups – How to make choices instead of always trying to take on too much. This is a difficult lesson for me, and one that I am presently working very hard at. I have a habit of filling my plate too full and struggling with overwhelm as a result. Instead of allowing myself to put so much on my plate, I need to seek out ways to minimize my responsibilities and delegate.
Teach – Seven of Wands – Independence. How to stand up for what you believe in. And how to be confident in one’s beliefs and their individual uniqueness. These are things that I very much enjoy nurturing in others and hope to continue to teach other throughout my entire life. I feel that with each person I am able to help in finding their self confidence and independence, I am making the world a better place as a result.
#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What am I passionate about?
Reading Summary: I’m all for fighting for those things that I believe in and feel are important (Five of Wands)… but I also know when it’s time to let go and move on to something better (Six of Swords) in order to protect the things that are truly near and dear to me from harm (Nine of Wands).
Take Away: The cards here indicate that what I am most passionate about are those things that are so very near and dear to me that I want to protect them, and that I am willing to abandon “the fight” of my own interests and drive in order to protect.
Mood
Quiet thunder
rhythmic purrs
thrumming deep
Loud and smooth
No matter how grumpy
angry or sad
those little rumbles
wash over me
soothe the senses
and help me breathe.
Miss Luna’s purr is the most amazing sound in the world to me. It comforts and relaxes me when I’ve had a stressful day or can’t seem to shake a bad mood, washing over me and helping me let go and relax. She is not a particularly clingy cat, but she comes to curl up with me when I need those knots untangled, wedging her little butt up against the side of my my head and kneading at my hair as she rumbles rhythmically in my ear.
Today’s meditation was a repeat of the method I used yesterday combining the harp strings and intermediate chimes with the guided meditation. It was really nice. I think that the interval chimes help me to relax more, as I’m not worrying about how long to hold my stretch or how long I’ve been in the meditation. Instead, the chimes help increment it out so that I know exactly when to switch positions without worrying if I’ve held it too long or not long enough.
The topic of today’s guided meditation was about not getting ahead of yourself. It discussed how it’s all well and good to have plans and goals, but when you’re working towards those goals? Make sure you aren’t so focused on the future that you’re missing out on the present. It’s what you do in the now that nurtures the roots and foundation of what will grow and eventually bloom in the future.
Today’s draw is the Four of Air (Four of Swords) which is traditionally interpreted as a time of rest and restoration.
In the Swords suit, there are a lot of struggles and trials represented, and in this card you are given the chance to take a step back and a deep breath, to reflect upon how things are going and make decisions that could change your future path.
Lavender is not just a plant of relaxation and ease, but is also a plant used to dissuade other plants and animals from encroaching upon gardens due to its woody stems and fragrant scent. This allows the plants in the garden to grow in peace.
The message that I see in this card today is that boundaries are a good thing. They allow you to be comfortable and relax. By having good boundaries, you are able to carve out time for the rest and relaxation that you need, including the reevaluation that might come with it.
I had not thought of using boundaries as a way to carve out that time, and I think it’s something I need to spend some time reflecting on.
#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to find my purpose.
Question: How am I allowing what others see as realistic keep me from my dreams?
Reading Summary: It’s my own realism (Seven of Coins) that stops me dead in my tracks (Ten of Swords), not others opinions. I’m not used to allowing my emotions to lead (King of Cups) and following my more frivolous impulses (Sagittarius).
Take Away: Emotions and logic so very often do not mix. It’s like oil and water. It’s something that I struggle with, as I am so used to ruling my life through logic and thought… and disregarding emotions and the nonsensical as without worth. It’s a bit of a kick in the pants to realize that there is value in these things… and that I’m now left figuring out how to change how I handle them.
#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Topic: Do Spread #1
What needs to be left behind as I focus on future growth? – King of Swords – Critical thinking and too much realism. As mentioned in a previous reading, I’ve spent most of my life using logic as my foundation for how I deal with the world. In furthering my growth, these habits need to be set aside in order to give that growth I have going on a chance to flourish.
What is in full bloom for me right now? – Six of Swords – A transition to something better. This transition is moving away from swords and into water, as indicated in the imagery of the card. I am at a high point in this transition into inviting more emotion into my life as a whole instead of locking it away and ignoring it. Growth often takes steps from discovery, to exploration, and finally incorporation. I have been in the exploration phase for some time now, and things are now moving towards the incorporation aspects of my growth.
Where do I need to direct my focus for future growth? – King of Cups – Allowing my emotions to take the lead more. As stated above, it’s time to start focusing on incorporating the things I have learned into my life, and allowing my emotions to take the lead more often is one of the ways in which to do this. It means being open about how I feel instead of hiding those feelings away, and following where those emotions lead rather than ignoring them.
#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
Topic: Full Moon in Capricorn: contribute // trust this voice // outward focus
Contribute – King of Swords and Seven of Coins – Consider wise ways in which your long-term successes can be shared with others. These successes that have been built over time are stable and have the ability to be shared without being put at risk. Make sure you choose wisely, and don’t act in impulse.
Trust This Voice – Five of Cups – Listen to yourself when you are feeling shorted… sometimes it’s true. This goes for when you are receiving from others, but it also (and even more importantly) is valid when considering how you are treating yourself. Don’t punish yourself for
Go – Eight of Coins – Skill development is a key factor in most of your life’s pursuits. This is no different whether you are in a time of growth and transition, or standing on stable ground. Don’t forsake your skills and turn away from them during this time, instead find ways to enjoy them and expand upon your talents.
Take Away:
#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What are my creative dreams?
Reading Summary: Clever strategizing (Knight of Swords) to take my creative passions forward (Six of Wands) and make money off of them in order to further home and financial stability in my life (Ten of Pentacles).
Take Away: My creative dreams right now are focused on taking my creative business to a level where I can be self-sustaining without needing to work myself to the bone in the process. I don’t dream of retirement or relaxation and aimless creativity, instead the dream is about sustainability.
The full moon is a time of release and letting go, and this is doubly true during this month’s full moon in Capricorn. The influence of Capricorn on this month’s full moon is one of transition and a reminder of patience. This is a theme that has been very prominent in my personal readings of late, and is echoed in the energy that surrounds this full moon.
As we honor the completion of this moon’s cycle over the next couple of weeks, it’s time to reflect upon our growth and how far we have come… and remember that the way forward is not a race toward a destination, but a journey along which we must be conscious and aware, and savoring each step along the way.
Yesterday was the full moon, and like all new moons and full moons, I did a spread aligned to the moon’s current themes as a part of my recognition of the moon’s cycle and influences upon us. Today’s spread is brought to you by Ethony‘s Tarot By the Moon series.
1. What long term plans are calling me?
The High Priestess – This is a reminder that the development I am going through is mostly unseen by others. It is an internal growth, and although I openly share that growth and struggle through my readings and this blog, the truth is that it is about changing things on the inside more than the changing of habits on the outside. Only by changing how I see things, feel about things, and my internal perspectives will I be able to change my actions and methods. The High Priestess says…. focus inward for outward results.
2. What foundations do I need to lay to succeed?
The Chariot – Control. In this case (and as indicated by the position and angle of the tip of the spear towards the warrior’s Achilles tendon) the control has to do with getting control over my own bad habits and hidden weaknesses.
3. Where do I need to apply patience?
Eight of Wands – Don’t give up on this journey that you are on, and remember that these types of transitions take time. You are too impatient with yourself. Ease up and let things move at their own pace.
4. Where do I need to think BIGGER?
Queen of Pentacles – Look for ways in which you can foster stable and responsible growth in the area of your home and finances. This isn’t a time for big growth spurts, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make some small progress that keeps things stable and on track. Nurture these areas of your life without training your entire focus upon them. They only need a little encouragement to do better and not become stagnant while you focus on other things.
5. Where do I need support?
The Empress – Hey Gideon… do you remember a few months ago when you asked the cards what I needed from you and you drew the Empress? *Points to the Empress* You’re up. (I’m teasing… but not entirely joking here.)
The Empress indicates that the areas where I am in need of some support are in those more caring and nurturing areas that I’m not all that good at providing for myself.
Pink
Murmured compliments
loving encouragement
quiet praise
and intimate whispers.
You would think
over time
I would become
immune
and yet every day
you find
something to say
that makes me flush
pink
with pleasure.
Thank you for trying so hard every single day to remind me not just of how much you love me, but of how much you admire me, desire me, and root for me. I don’t always take compliments well… but even when I stumble over them you never stop making sure that I hear how you feel about me. And each time it sinks in just a little more than before.
Twisting the Leaf 