Struggling With Disappointment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and one of the harp strings meditations with the interval chimes to walk me through my piriformis stretching.  I had a little bit of difficulty focusing today during the meditation, probably because today was one of my “long ass drive” days and I was really far more interested in getting my ass on the road than taking the time to meditate.  I did do it, though, no matter how much I felt the need to squirm my way through it.

Herbcrafter's TarotToday’s draw is the Five of Water (Five of Cups) which is traditionally interpreted as an indication of pessimism or apathy. It is, essentially, the “glass half empty” card and can often be interpreted not just as pessimism or disappointment, but also themes to do with one’s attitudes around failure.

I’m  not going to go into goldenseal today, as what is really important about this card today, and the message that lies within it, is twofold and already very evident to me.  The first message being that when you have that “meh” feeling, it’s important to pay attention to it instead of just following where it leads. What is it really about? Why has it surfaced? Why are you following it so blindly instead of examining it closely? Don’t just accept it at face value.

The second message in the appearance of this card today has to do with the incident with my mother.  I feel like an idiot for being excited when I opened a surprise package from my mother and found her Hoi Polloi inside.   I should have known better than to think it was just a kindness because she knows it was something I want.  I should have known that it would be an effort to manipulate me in some way.

I was stupid not to realize it, or at least suspect.  I didn’t, and the feeling of disappointment and pessimistic unpleasantness that came when she displayed her true colors yet again and showed me that the ‘gift’ was really a manipulation tactic… was crushing.   Again.  And thus comes in the Five of Cups.

I need to turn remember what I have that is good instead of focusing on the shit.  I guess I’m just… taking a moment to throw my own pity party first.  I won’t let it last, though, I promise.

DECK USED:  HERBCRAFTER’S TAROT

#TarotForGrowthJuly Challenge Prompt
Topic:
  I’m so burnt out all the time.
Question:
  What causes me to be resistant toward rest?

Hanson Roberts Tarot

Reading Summary: The fear that if I don’t keep going and juggling everything (Two of Pentacles) that shit will fall apart (The Tower)… It also allows me to avoid owning my own emotions (King of Cups Rx).

Take Away:  If I’m too busy to rest, then I’m too busy to deal with my emotions, and thus I have an excuse to bury them instead of dealing with them.  This, combined with my constant fear of “dropping the ball” and everything crashing down around me as a result are the things that most significantly influence why I’m resistant toward rest.

DECK USED:  HANSON ROBERTS TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsJul2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: 
What in my life could benefit from more honesty?

Evolution TarotReading Summary:  You can have all the tools in the world (The Magician) and all the resources you need at your disposal (King of Coins), but any addiction allowed to flourish out of control will knock you on your ass if given the opportunity to do so (The Devil).

Take Away:  This is why even though moderation is not at all my favorite thing, it is so very important.  I’ve admitted this before that I was a bit fast and loose with my money over late-spring and early-summer.  That sort of thing is nice now and then, but it’s not sustainable for long.

What needs could benefit from more honesty in my life is that I need to look close at my spending and do the work to get things back on the moderate side of self-control again.

DECK USED:  EVOLUTION TAROT

#OwlandBonesJuly Challenge by Owl and Bones Tarot
Topic: 
share // save

Women of Science TarotShareTen of Nano (Water) – Share the love.  This isn’t about money or resources, it’s about support and emotion.  It’s about love, and sharing that love with those that are important to you and closest to you.   With what happened with mom today, my first instinct was to close up and curl in on myself.  A better route is to stay open and share my feelings with others that love and understand me.

SaveSeven of Macro (Earth) – Slow growth takes time, preservation, and conservation.  It isn’t something immediate, but gradual.  This takes patience.  It’s important to make sure you don’t throw patience out the window when you feel frustrated.  Instead, take a deep breath and persevere.

DECK USED:  WOMEN OF SCIENCE TAROT

 

Gideon’s Challenge

Ghost of Mt RainierObstruction

Two steps forward
one step back
each single step
worried about
legos
underfoot
I trudge on
weaving between
the obstacles
to get done
what needs done.

Sometimes days come where you just don’t feel like you’re making any progress, no matter how hard you try.  By the end of the day, everything you mean to have gotten done is left scattered on the floor unfinished, and you have to accept that the minimal amount you managed to actually do… is going to have to be good enough.

Today was one of those days for me.

Photo © ZenStatePhotography

#31DaysofWitchcraft Prompt 28 (non)VR to Heather Carter

Heather Carter on YouTube put together a series of prompts titled #31DaysofWitchcraft that she’s been working her way through since the beginning of May. I really like this idea, but I can’t handle the responsibility of any more daily posts, so I thought that for the next few weeks, I would do one (or a few at a time) for the end of week “My Pagan Perspective” posts and work through them a bit at a time.

acorn

Today’s prompt is #28, and is about how I was raised and the path that it lead me to be on now.  This is a topic I’ve probably posted on before and definitely one that I’ve discussed with you… but I didn’t want to leave it out.

28. What belief system, if any, were you raised with? How has that impacted your personal practice?

I was raised in a Wiccan/Buddhist household.  My mother is Wiccan and was pretty much almost solely responsible for the spiritual upbringing of my sister and I.  We were raised to follow the wheel of the year and worship the god and goddess and their cycles.  We were taught spellcraft and ritual from a young age, and I do not have a memory of a time when we were not participants in my mother’s sabbat rituals and often participants in her spellcraft as well.

Much of my mother’s path in Wicca resonated… but much of it also did not.   When my sister and I were around nine years old, my mother introduced a pagan parenting mentor to our family unit.  This person helped in mentoring our mother on different ways to include us in her practice and guide us in her beliefs, bur in truth Z (that is the mentor) really ended up taking over a huge majority of our spiritual upbringing herself, as well as teaching us about independence, autonomy, and the development of ethics and a moral compass.

When I moved out on my own at 16, I took those beliefs I had been raised with along with me into my independent life, and Z encouraged me to adjust my practices to fit what felt right for me.   The first thing I dropped was deity, as the god and goddess part of things never really felt right to me.

From there my personal practice was born.  I already had a vast amount of experience and knowledge in spellcraft and rituals, and I took that forward with me into my path and practice, weeding out the things that didn’t work for me, and planting the seeds for those things that did fit.

For this reason, although sixteen years have passed since I’ve been under my parent’s roof, there are still traces of Wicca and Buddhism in my practice.   These lingering bits and pieces are those things that still “fit”.