Month: October 2019

Trying to Find the Tracks

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on a topic that comes up quite a lot.   That is the topic of meditation being about the practice, not the accomplishment.

Practice is the key word.  We practice.  We do it.  We work at it.  It is a journey.  And meditation is all about that journey, not some imagined finish line or perfection standard that is both unrealistic and unattainable.

Today’s draw is another double without a jumper, which means that they both came out of the deck together.  In fact?  They were so together that at first I didn’t realize there were two.   The cards in today’s draw are the Six of Cups with the Tower card as a jumper.

Dark Mansion Tarot Lollygagging –> Tower Moments

That is what I see.   And honestly, I feel like this is a repeating message lately.  I’m gearing up for the holiday season, but I’m not feeling the “oomph” that I need to prepare for what’s coming.   I know you say that I am super focused on responsibility and goals, and you’re right…. but there’s something missing.  Some part that I’m not connecting with this year, and it’s hindering my progress.   I need to get past it or figure out what it is and work it out, because I would very much like to avoid that crashing chaotic change that the Tower presents.

And that is what these cards are.  They are a warning.  They are not a prediction so much as an indication of what is needed to keep things on track.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  I’m definitely going to try to do the bonus readings every day (or near to it) for the rest of this month.

Question: What relationship(s) in my life encourage growth?

Ghosts & Spirits Tarot Reading Summary: Those that add a little spice and a sense of adventure into my life (Knight of Wands), offer a sense of security and safety (Four of Pentacles), and touch my heart (Knight of Cups).

Take Away:  It’s sort of funny that I was anticipating a far more specific response from the cards for this.  Instead, it gave me the information I need to look at my relationships with others (everyone from my bosses to my friends and loved ones) and examine each with that criteria in mind.  The answer in these cards doesn’t point to any one person or certain relationships, but rather encourages the evaluation of each relationship to find the qualities within them that… fit. This allows for an interesting perspective that I’m definitely going to be taking forward with me through the near future (or beyond).

Deck Used: Ghosts & Spirits Tarot

Get Motivated

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Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes, and focused on World Mental Health Day (which is today) and how to be kinder to ourselves, especially when you have mental health problems.

It discussed why people try to hide their mental health illness because of the concern for being rejected by others and be shamed for this weakness.  It addressed seeking acceptance in ourselves for the issues that we have to deal with, in the same way you find acceptance for when you have a cold, or diabetes, or any other medical issue.

The guided meditation encouraged the listener to challenge their self judgements and find a path to a better acceptance of the self and your own personal struggles.

This is something that I had to struggle with early in life.  In fact, I had undiagnosed depression as far back as my early teens or perhaps even earlier than that.  When Z realized what was going on, she advocated with me to my parents, pushing them to allow me to seek treatment, but it wasn’t until I was emancipated at the age of sixteen that I had the freedom to do so for myself.   In my family, mental illness was treated as something to be ashamed of.  A fatal flaw even worse than being gay (which was my father’s main issue with me from childhood on in life).

By accepting that I needed help and going to GET that help, it was clearly understood that I was not just casting shame upon myself, but upon my family as a whole.  Obviously, this is NOT something that bothered me as much as it might have, because I was so far down that rabbit hole with my sexual preferences and independence by that point that what was one more log on the fire, right?   Still, the shame -did- ride me for quite a long time.  Especially the shame of needing medication.

It wasn’t until I found a medication that took away my suicidal thoughts and urges that this shame began to lift.  Because… how can you argue with that benefit, right?  Now, when I see judgement, I advocate.  And I hope that others will learn, as I did, that it’s okay to need a little help.

Halloween Tarot Today’s draw is another double without a jumper, which means that they both came out of the deck together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Emperor card of the Major Arcana, and the King of Bats (Swords).

I know what it’s saying, and I’m just SO resistant to it today.   Silly, I know.  But there you have it.

The message in today’s cards is to “Be the Boss”.   In other words, do your work, do the responsible thing, take charge and get your shit done.   I know it’s supposed to be an energizing and empowering message, but all I really feel like doing today is loafing off.

Unfortunately, that is a luxury for another day if i want to ship out orders tomorrow (which I very much do need and want to do that).

Traditional meanings for the Emperor include dominance and authority, structure, and a projective alpha energy that is instilled into the “big picture”, rather than into one specific aspect of the human experience.

Traditional representation for the King of Bats (Swords) are on the theme of a projective alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of the mind, thought, intellect, communication, and instinct.  This includes themes surrounding mental clarity and intellectual power, as well as (you guessed it) dominance and authority.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  I’m definitely going to try to do the bonus readings every day (or near to it) for the rest of this month.

Question: How can I more fully love and accept myself?

Tarot of Haunted House Reading Summary: Set the spark (Ace of Wands) and carry that spark forward (Knight of Wands) into the things that interest and challenge you (King of Swords).  Sometimes it’s okay to need to be alone (intuitive hit off the imagery in the Three of Cups).

Take Away: If I want to more fully love and accept myself, I need to not just respect and take note of those inner sparks of ambition and inspiration, but go after them.  And not just the easy ones, but the ones that really make me work for that sense of accomplishment. Most of the time, these types of projects, aspirations, and ideas require buckling down and focus, which is not something I can do in the company of others.  Alone time is valuable in these pursuits, IF I use it productively.

TL:DR?  Stop using alone time to loaf off, and instead use that time to get to work on the things that spark my ambition and challenge my intellect.

Deck Used: Tarot of Haunted House

Making Choices and New Perspectives

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes, and focused on the difference between love and selfishness.  That is to say, when you make decisions on how you act and the things you say with your loved ones…. are these things spurred by love?  Or are they spurred by selfishness?

One of the examples given is in a situation where your partner has the opportunity to advance their career, but to do so they need to go into a course that takes them away from home for two months.   Do you tell them not to go because you feel the need to cling onto them?   Or do you support the choice that is best for them (which would be to go and do the course)?

If its the first, then you are making a choice based on selfishness, rather than love.

I think that this is a line that a LOT of people need help in discerning.  I don’t think that I’m one of those that has this problem personally, but I have seen a lot of people that cross that line again and again, and never have a clue that their doing it.

Dark Mansion TarotToday’s draw is a double without a jumper, which is to say that they both fell out of the deck together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Lovers card and the Page of Wands.

Sometimes you have to make a choice.

The Page of Wands is all about potential and inspiration.  This is something that I have in spades a good amount of the time.  There’s always new ideas swimming in my head, and on the converse, there are times when self limiting beliefs about myself or others can be struggle for me.

The Lovers overlap this card (it is on top) which expresses that on the whole, to make these potential inspirations and aspirations come to life requires making a choice.  I can’t do them all.  I can’t accomplish everything at once, and sometimes bad ideas are just bad ideas.

Together, these cards are about the importance of making choices about where I place my energy.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  I’m definitely going to try to do the bonus readings every day (or near to it) for the rest of this month.

Question: Where may my growth benefit from external assistance?

Zombie Tarot Reading Summary:  The Five of Swords is all about conflict, disagreements, and competition.  The Three of Cups, on the other hand, is about coming together and cooperation.  The Seven of Swords is along the same theme as the Five, in that it deals with deception and betrayal.   All three of these cards are cards that deal with interaction with others.

Take Away:  I have a deep seated need to understand how others think, and to see their perspectives. Sometimes, though, I have a hard time understanding other people’s motives, especially in times when conflict and deception are involved.  And especially in these situations?  I feel that need even more strongly.  I want to understand, sometimes with great desperation when I can’t get there on my own.

At these times, I often need those closest to help me in expanding my own perspectives and perceptions enough to see things from the person’s view and better understand this other person’s motivations and perspectives.

Deck Used: Zombie Tarot

Sometimes You Have to Just Take a Breath

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on being persistent in your meditation practice, because it is the journey  that makes the practice good (and good for you), not the destination.

That is to say that there is no ‘end goal’ to meditation.   It is, by definition, a practice.  Something you practice.  There are no experts, there is no perfection.

Each day is a new day and another step on the path.  If you make the time to do it… if you sit down and do it, then that’s all that is needed to succeed in the day’s meditation.  It’s not an activity of rating your performance, but instead an activity where you get an “A” for participation… end of story.

Nine of Pumpkins Today’s draw is the Nine of Pumpkins (Pentacles) which is a representation of fruition and fulfillment, culmination and consequences in the area of finances, resources, manifestation, and the physical world.

This is an abundance card, absolutely.  But honestly?  I’ve not been feeling all that abundant today.   I’ve felt stressed and irked and a bit overwhelmed by the bullshit that I talked to you about in chat just briefly earlier concerning that whole seller harassment issue.

So yeah.

The message, though, is in the resting of the woman’s hand upon the pumpkin.  I really wanted to spend some time in nature today, but travel and specifically traffic just really didn’t allow for the extra time needed to do that.

So maybe what the card is trying to tell me is that everything is going to be alright, yeah?  Because I sure as hell don’t feel like things are falling together, or particularly abundant.    Honestly?  I’ve waffled between feeling sickly and feeling irked for most of the day, and at the moment I feel like crying like a two year old and hiding my head under a pillow.

UGH… damnit!   Right.

Positive message in the Nine of Pumpkins.  *Taking a deep breath.*

The positive message in today’s draw is that even when feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts, there are always things to be grateful for.   So perhaps what I need is to do a bit of gratitude practice.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  As mentioned before, I might try to do the bonus reading every day (or near to it) for this month.

Question: Where may I benefit from more structure?

Bonus Tarot ReadingReading Summary: Fumbling in the dark (The Moon) with concerns to emotional stability (Four of Cups).  Collaborating with others (Three of Pentacles). Arriving at the end of the line concerning thought and ambition (King of Wands and King of Swords).

Take Away:   I’m a bit topsy-turvy today when it comes to my emotions, so I’m not surprised that the Moon came up in relation to emotional stability.  With the shift we just did between top space and bottom, this shift and that sensation of being lost in the dark is something that comes with the territory.

With the Kings on the right, I feel it’s speaking of being at the end of a journey and needing to move on to the next steps.  Ambition and ideas are all well and good, but they can only go so far until you move into manifestation.

Between these two concepts is the collaboration card, the Three of Pentacles.   This indicates to me that both situations require collaboration in order to find that stability and structure needed to move forward, both emotionally, as well as with ideas and ambitions that have been brewing for a while in the back of my mind.

Deck Used: Anne Stoke’s Gothic Tarot

Sense of Self

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Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long, and focused on separating from the “self” and becoming a witness in order to deal with difficult emotions and grasp that they are temporary and will pass.

This type of detachment is something that I’m intimately familiar with, but what I really liked about today’s guided meditation was the explanation that came before moving on to the topic of separation from self to deal with emotions.

In leading up to the topic, it spoke about how we say we have a body, and we have a mind.  We speak of these things like they are possessions, rather than saying, for example, that we are a body or we are a mind.  This brings to bear the question of what are we?  She speaks on how many advanced meditation practitioners have come to the conclusion that each of us is a “Witness”, and that in the experience of being human, each of us is at our core pure awareness.

I found this a very interesting perspective, and it fits in well with how I view the world, people, life, and my practice as a whole.  I’ve heard similar perspectives in the past, but how it was presented in today’s guided meditation really struck a chord for me.

Today’s draw is a double without a jumper, meaning that they both came out of the deck together. The cards in today’s draw are the Eight of Cups and The Sun card.

When I look at today’s cards, the message that comes through is about moving on from uncertainty and into a more positive outlook.  I think this goes well with what you and I have been experiencing the last couple of days with the drop and my struggles to fill the shoes as  I feel necessary to be on the supportive side of things.   It’s something I really struggle with, and I don’t entirely understand why.  I’m a responsible person, and I see the aftermath as very much an important responsibility, and yet I wobble under that weight time and again.

As the scales slide back into balance, though, I feel lighter and warmer. Less struggle and more gratitude.  I think you are right that the top space swings high, then like a pendulum, comes to swing back the other way and knock me off that perch.  The cards are telling me that I need to accept my shortcomings and move away from the self blame and recriminations.  Be happy with the experience as it is and bask in the balance we have with each other, instead of picking apart my part of it a little at a time to dig out negatives.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  As mentioned before, I might try to do the bonus reading every day (or near to it) for this month.

Question: How can I better honor the divine masculine within me? (Note: The word honor is stressed to make sure I keep in mind the nature of the question through the reading of the cards and answers written here.)

Reading Summary: The Queen of Cups is about receptive alpha emotional energy, and the King of Cups on the other side is projective emotional energy.  Separating the two is the Eight of Wands, which speaks of swift, fast paced action and change, and I also pick up hints of the inverted meaning of misalignment in the image.

Take Away:   Recognition and acceptance of my emotions is needed.  At the moment, I use my busyness and the cacophony of having my fingers in so many pots to put aside and separate myself from my emotions.  If I want to honor the divine masculine within me, I need to seek out a better connection between that receptive energy and the projective energy within my emotions, and seek a wholeness and synergy without wedging “everything else” in between to keep my emotions detached and compartmentalized.

Deck Used: Spirit Tarot (from the Halloween Spirit Store and Spencer’s Gifts)

Uncertainties in Self

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Today’s meditation was just under ten minutes long, and was a quiet and peaceful meditation where she didn’t do a lot of talking.   I enjoy these primarily because I really like the background music playing in the app.  In fact, I think I’ve mentioned before that I would love the opportunity to buy the music.

Essentially, the music is individual notes played lightly (and slowly) on a keyboard to some very subtle, barely audible EMDR-type musical flow in the background.  It’s very relaxing, and my mind seems to visualize it into an open plane of water (the background noise) with occasional drips falling into the smooth expanse to cause ripples (the piano notes).

I might need to contact the app creator and see if they can provide me with some information that might help me track down the artist.  It’s worth a try.

Anyway, the talk at the end of the guided meditation focused primarily on using meditation to better condition ourselves to be present in the moment, rather than spending too much time reflecting on the past or focused on the “what ifs” of the future.

Today’s draw is the Strength card, which I seem to be seeing a lot lately in my readings.  The Strength card’s traditional representations involve inner strength, outer strength, courage, persuasion and coercion.  It can also indicate raw emotion, self doubt, and a lack of energy.

I feel that it is in those alternate meanings that I find the message of today’s card.   The Strength card is telling me that it’s okay to be tired and take a rest now and then.  It doesn’t make you weak to take care of yourself and, sometimes, that means allowing for that time of rest and time to deal with the hint of rawness that is going on with me right now.

I think that it also correlates to the drop and helping you through it.  I love you so much, and I don’t want to let you down.  I really hope that I’m not letting you down. (Points to the self doubt aspect.)

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

I did the #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt again today.  As mentioned before, I might try to do the bonus reading every day (or near to it) for this month.

Question: How can I better honor the divine feminine within me? (Note: The word honor is stressed to make sure I keep in mind the nature of the question through the reading of the cards and answers written here.)

Reading Summary: The Hermit card speaks of time alone and working on things on my own.  The Ace of Pentacles is a touch on manifestation and ‘new money’ and the Queen of Pentacles, juggling home life and work as well as giving myself time to self-nurture (which again ties around into the Hermit card).

Take Away:   Focus on my home business. My business is all about manifestation and creativity.  It involves a LOT of working on my own and I do a good deal of reflection during that time.  I find the creative process of manifesting ideas into a beautiful creation in reality to be soothing and invigorating, all at the same time.   The cards indicate if I want to honor my divine feminine side, this is the path to doing that.

Deck Used: Ludy Lescot Tarot