tarot

Be the Lamb, Not the Lion

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Today’s meditation was fifteen minutes and eight seconds, And focused on something called the Beginners Mind.

This is the concept of looking at things through fresh eyes instead of through with preconceived notions. It’s about experiencing things as if they are new, and letting that sense of wonder at something new into your heart and mind.

I think this is something that I’ve started to forget to do. Not that I’ve forgotten how, but more that I’ve just forgotten to practice this in my life.

There was a time when I saw a lot of the world this way… but I feel that over time I’ve closed off and forgotten to experience things in this perspective. I think it’s possible that having that shift in perspective has made me a less positive person.

Perhaps it’s time to start consciously practicing Beginners Mind more regularly in an effort to make it a habit once more.

Today’s draw is the page of pentacles. The suit of Pentacles represents money, resources, and the physical plane. The Page represents an omega type of energy, personality, or person.

The page in the suit can also represent one’s focus and dedication towards something of the physical plane. For me, that is stability. Financial stability is one of my lifelong goals, no matter what tax bracket I’m in or how much money I have (or don’t have) in my pocket at any given time.

This card ties into my current worries about monetary issues and the extra spending that I did while I was in that pit of depression. It’s a reminder to be cautious when spending money for a while so that I can catch up.

The card is telling me to be the lamb. Do not be the lion, full of roar and fight and push and shove. Instead, focus on that goal of stability that I’ve built over the years of my life and accept it takes time and dedication. One small hiccup doesn’t change that in the long run.

At the same time, this card also reminds me not to be too hard on myself about those small spending that I did during that time. Stability is a long term goal. It takes patience and a long reach… not a short race.

On My Feet

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Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and four seconds, and focused on using external cues as reminders to come back to center in your practice.

For the meditation, they used a chime. Each time the chime went off it was a reminder to bring your mind back to the breath and the relaxation of your body.

This actually worked really well for me. I realize that my mind wanders even more than I had thought it did. The audible cue helped me in catching myself in those thoughts and set them aside more quickly.

Today’s draw is the 13th card in the Major Arcana, the Death card. Although it can, this card rarely represents the death of a person or pet. Instead, it’s more common representation is that of change, as is the case for a number of cards in the tarot.

With the Death card, it’s about an organic change… the kind of change that comes on gradually and has now reached its end. Not only is it about that change specially, but also about the cleansing that accompanies such endings.

This card is telling me that my depression has come to an end. It’s been a long road and a hard climb to get out of that pit I’d fallen into… but I believe I’m there.

I feel this climb coming to an end is especially remarkable considering that I’ve been visiting at my mothers house for the past few days. The house is not usually conducive to positivity and healing where I am concerned.

And yet here I am. Standing outside the pit, with a little niggle of anxiety in my gut, but otherwise back on my feet. That hole in the ground that I fell into and the darkness that tangled me up is now behind me.

It’s time to move forward.

Seeking Emotional Stability

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Today’s meditation was done in a quiet room at Ms B’s and… I almost fell asleep. (Oops!)

The meditation today was fourteen minutes and thirty seven seconds, and focused addiction to thought.

That is, how we try to always give each thought that wanders through our head “it’s due” rather than sometimes just letting them go. This is especially relevant and noticeable during meditation, as it is during this time when the thoughts that intrude can be like the temptation of a curious path in the forest that leads away from the one you are already on.

People (myself included) follow their thoughts without even realizing it, addicted to the random paths, to fixing or resolving, to… thinking. Today’s meditation brings this tendency to light as a reminder that during one’s meditation practice (and other times when overwhelmed) setting aside thoughts, rather than following them, is healthy and beneficial.

The first card in today’s draw was the Six of Hearts. Hearts is a suit seated in emotions, family, relationships, and creativity. The six in this suit represents seeking answers and truths.

The second card in today’s draw is the Four of Hearts. This card…. is you. It is an indication of stability and shelter. Comfort. Home.

The cards are telling me that this lost and seeking feeling in my gut this morning is all about you. It’s time to come home. To my shelter. To my anchor. To you.

The cards are directing me to you.

Forgiveness

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Today’s meditation was 14 minutes and 35 seconds and focused on compassion.

The meditation was about not just creating compassion and a sense of non-judgment and one’s practice during meditation, but also in one’s life as a whole.

This is something that I personally struggle with as I constantly feel that I am monitoring myself, and judging myself in order to improve upon myself and my actions from day today, our tower, and minute to minute.

When it comes to myself, I’m a harsh taskmaster. Today’s meditation is a reminder that I need to be a little bit kinder and more compassionate to myself.

When reading from a playing card deck, it is a different kind of conversation than when using a tarot deck.

The way I was taught, the least amount of cards needed for a reading with a playing card deck is two (as opposed to one, when using a tarot deck).

The first card indicates the subject while the second card is for guidance.

The first card in today’s draw is the Queen of Diamonds. Diamonds indicate the area of money, resources, power, education, or success. The Queen of this suit represents an energy, personality, or person related to those topics.

The second card in today’s draw is the Queen of Hearts. Hearts deal with the areas of emotions, family, relationships. The Queen in this suit represents a mothering, empathetic, and healing energy.

I believe that this reading is a direct reflection on yesterday’s, where I wasn’t being quite so kind to myself concerning my finances, and my current financial situation.

The cards are telling me that as harsh as I was about my spending, I also need to be kind to myself and forgiving.

I haven’t broken the bank. I’m not destitute. I’m not going to be losing my home, or even miss mortgage payment or fall behind on my bills. So it’s time to be forgiving and cut myself a little slack for my recent past behavior in this area.

Temptation and Distraction

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Today’s meditation was 14 minutes and 11 seconds, and focused on observing your emotions without reacting to them.

This is not a new concept for me, as I do this quite often. Possibly as a part of my disassociation. I was often far more of an observer rather than a “experiencer” when it came to my emotions before you came along into my life. It was you that actually taught me to experience my emotions instead of just observing them from a distance.

I had a hard time staying focused in meditation today. Probably because I’m heading to moms this afternoon. Thoughts on preparation to get going kept intruding. I did set them aside and go back to my breath each time, but I feel like they held me back from getting the ease I needed today. I woke up with that knot of anxiety under my diaphragm again, and it’s still there.

Today’s draw is the 15th card of the Major Arcana, which is the Devil card… or the Shadowdance card, as it is called in the current deck.

Incidentally, I really like the re-title of this card in this deck. I think it really fits into the card as a whole, as well as the meaning behind it. That meaning, of course, is the temptation to go off-track.

This card is a representation of the distracting quality of things such as addiction, temporary pleasures, hedonistic pursuits, and pretty much all the things that just don’t really matter “in the long run” and pull you away from life’s responsibilities.

Today, this card is a warning.

During the past month of my depression, especially the last three weeks of it, I’ve been a little lax in my finances.

I’ve spent more on things than I should have because I was too lazy or distracted to find the better price. I’ve bought things that I could have waited on until I was more flush.

This card is a warning that it’s time to pay attention and get myself back in line concerning these issues. It’s telling me not to let a few mistakes tumble me off track into the seductive distraction of the dark woods, but rather keep in mind my responsibilities and act accordingly.

Transcendence

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Today’s meditation was twelve minutes and ten seconds, and focused on intruding thoughts during meditation and one’s reactions to them.

In this meditation you’re encouraged to notice the thoughts as they meander in and acknowledge them without reacting to them.

In my acknowledgment of my thoughts that wander into my brain while I’m in the middle of meditation, I notice that most of them are neutral daydream-type thoughts. Things like a mental image of the metal foot of a park bench resting against its concrete slab. Or a smiling face of someone I don’t recognize. They are nearly always visual in some way.

You are then encouraged to return your focus to the breath once you’ve acknowledged that the thought is there and set it aside.

Today’s meditation reminds me that this should be an accepted part of meditation. A part of the process. In the beginning, when I first started meditating, I used to get really frustrated with those thoughts that came in while I was trying to find my moment of peace. Sometimes, I still do. The subject of today’s meditation is a good reminder to look at these thoughts not as intrusions, but simply as a normal part of the experience.

Today’s draw is the Ten of Cups, which I find interesting because I’m drawing a lot of cups lately. Not just in my morning meditations, but also in my personal readings. This is fitting though, since I’m dealing with emotional issues and the suit of Cups is all about emotions, relationships, and creativity. The tenth card is a representation of endings, transcendence, or excess.

This card is telling me that I’m at the end, and that it’s time to rise above. It’s time to transcend back to the norm of every day life rather than clinging to the cloying tendrils of the depression.

I think sometimes I do that. Cling to the end as if somehow there is some sort of a surety there. A comfort there in the misery. Perhaps that is my self-destructive urges whispering in my ear? I’m not sure.

The Ten of Cups is telling me that I should not cling to those last subtle yet present vestiges, but instead let them go.

As is the nature of all endings, this card is also an indication that the promise of a new beginning is at hand just at the tips of my toes and waiting for my next step. I believe that with depression at my back that the new beginning is almost guaranteed to be brighter than where I am coming from.