tarot

Wrapping Things Up

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Today’s meditation was 13 minutes and 53 seconds, and it focused on dealing with sounds during one’s meditation.

As you know, my crossed wires due to synesthesia often turn sounds into other sensations. This actually made today’s meditation quite interesting, because in meditation how do you focusing on the sounds around you. Not to judge them, or figure out what they are, or any of that. But rather, just to experience them and accept them as a part of your environment.

I enjoyed the experience. Like putting my earphones in and listening to music, It is like going on a journey of the senses filled with rich scents, flavors, and sensations without taking a single step.

That said, I’m not sure that it was really the meditation focused that I needed today. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, as I have for the past three days now. It’s this tight knot under my diaphragm that I can’t quite breathe away. Granted the last two days of meditation hadn’t really helped it either, so I don’t think trying something different really hurts anything.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Swords, which represents culmination, end results, and consequences in the area of thoughts, logic, communication, and challenges.

This card feels like it arrived a little early, and yet perhaps that’s why it’s here. It commiserate with the fact that I’ve been through the ringer, and tells me that things are starting to wrap up. It tells me that it’s time to take a deep breath and let the dust settle.

Sometimes things can’t end until you look through them one more time to learn lessons you would otherwise leave behind. It feels like this card is telling me it’s time to end my negative and self depreciating thoughts, and look back at my depression with compassion and acceptance. It’s time to prepare for stepping forward and past it.

So, perhaps this card is right on time after all. I am at the cusp of that deep dark hole and climbing out into the light. I can smell the fresh air. I can feel the light on my face.

I’m almost there and it’s time to be kind to myself, stop my self-recriminations, and set my mind to getting things back on track.

Stop Hiding

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Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and three seconds, and focused on how to better except those things that we cannot change. Everything is temporary, especially with emotions. This includes depression.

Sometimes it’s too easy to judge emotions or events as good or bad. But sometimes it’s not about what’s in the moment, but how things flow over time and influence each other.

Perhaps my depression pulls me away from you and that feels bad… but perhaps also, in the long run, it brings us closer as well. You know me better because of it, and I trust you more because of it. So maybe we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover entirely.

Today I drew the Queen of Cups again, but I believe her message is different this time.

The Queen of Cups, as explained in a previous post, is a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person in the realm of emotions, creativity, or relationships.

I think she is telling me that I need to stop hesitating and worrying so much when it comes to my connection with you as I drag myself out of the black hole of my depression.

Depression is an ugly thing, and I really hate to show you my ugly sides. Or really, showing anyone my ugly sites. But especially you.

And so I hide. Not just because during the depression the outside world is overwhelming (thought it is), but also because I don’t want to subject you (or others) to the mess and the darkness.

The Queen of Cups is telling me that it’s time to stop hesitating to step out from that hiding place. I’m not sure if the hesitation is just about not showing you my ugly side, or a fear of rejection, or what it is exactly. But it is there.

She’s telling me that I don’t just need to be aware of that hesitation, but that I need to stop fostering it, stop hiding, and reach out to you. She is telling me to be strong and not let these fears and concerns hold me back from my connection with you.

The Light Ahead

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Today’s meditation was eleven minutes and six seconds, and it focused on awareness.

This meditation was about keeping in mind that meditation isn’t goal oriented. Meditation is about being in the moment and being aware of those moments and all that it entails. It’s not just a peaceful quiet of nothingness, but also the awareness of those stray thoughts that come around, and the way you treat yourself as you bring yourself back to center when those stray thoughts pull you off track. It is about the entire experience, not about pushing yourself to perfection.

Today’s draw is the Star card, which is the 17th card in the Major Arcana.

In a tarot deck, the Major Arcana cards represent life changing events, as well as powerful energies, actions, and experiences that steer the path of ones life. They have a larger scope and depth than the other four suits of the deck, as they are not limited by the four elements and their corresponding meanings.

This card is a representation of guidance and healing. It is telling me that the road ahead is filled with hope and wonder if I am only willing to reach for it.

This card reminds me that the light ahead is bright, and not to look back at the darkness I’m leaving behind.

I really like this message, and I feel this is a good time for it to surface. I feel like I’m on the cusp of that deep dark pit that my depression sank me into. The climb out of the depths is not easy by any means, but the Star is a reminder to focus on the light and follow its warmth into something better ahead.

Opening Up

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Today’s meditation was 10 minutes and 23 seconds and very fittingly focused on doing nothing.

Today’s card is the Queen of Cups. As yesterday indicated, the Queens represent a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person, whereas the Cups as a suit of emotions, relationships, and creativity.

I feel this card making an appearance today represents the rush and bustle that I have been going through recently. Or rather, the fact that I have been pushing away my emotions and my creativity in order to trudge on and get ahead.

She’s telling me it’s time to pause and take a breath. She is telling me to give myself space to let my emotions speak and let my creativity flow, rather than stifling everything just to keep moving forward.

Fostering Focus

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Today’s meditation was 10 minutes and 26 seconds, and focused on… well, fostering focus. That’s not really what they called it, but essentially that’s what it was and it fits in perfectly with today’s card.

Today’s card is the Queen of Swords. The suit of swords represents a theme of logic, thought, communication, or challenges. Queens represent a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person.

I feel that the appearance of this card today is telling me that I need to check in on myself and my thoughts throughout the day and make sure that I am staying focused. She is saying that I need to cut down on those meandering stray thoughts that distract me away from my goals and the things that I need to attend to.

She also indicates that when I catch myself wandering off focus to be gentle with myself. Don’t be harsh and judging in my self talk, but instead be kind but firm in bringing myself back on task.

Gideon’s Challenge

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“Your life will be filled with struggle, strife, and woe.
There will be great love, and great pain.
There will be comfort, but not prosperity.
These troubles are lessons carried over from the life you left behind, and lessons needed for the life to come.”

Future Path

Pensive

At nine years old, a trusted friend with a remarkable gift did a tarot reading for me to get a picture of my future. That was the result, although it was not given to me until much later when asked for. There was more, of course, but that was the “theme” of my life that surfaced within the cards.

Ten years later, the same friend did the reading again. The cards were different, as were the words… but the theme was the same.

Over the years between that first reading and now, I’ve had my tarot read many times for many different reasons and with many goals in mind. I’ve done it for myself, and I’ve had others do it for me.

And whenever the question is about the “theme” of my life, the results are the same.

Next year, it will have been another ten years, and I will go back to that same friend again to have my tarot read regarding the theme of my life, just as I have in the last two decades prior.

I wonder, as I do with each reading, if the theme will change… or continue on as it has been.