Month: October 2019

Evaluating Timing

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Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long, and was centered upon using sound as a focus for meditation.  I’m not sure why I was surprised by the effectiveness of this technique, considering how my synesthesia is focused on auditory input, but I was.  What is also surprising, though, is that I really enjoyed it.

Halloween Tarot Today’s draw is a double without a jumper, meaning that both cards dropped out together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Moon and the Sun cards.   This is surprising, as this deck is VERY thoroughly shuffled, and yet they popped out together regardless of that fact.  (The Moon and The Sun are cards are the 18th and 19th card, respectively, in the Major Arcana.)

The message that comes across in these cards and how they landed is that there is always an end to troubled times.  It’s like that old Charles Strouse/Martin Charnin song for the play Annie, yeah?  Corny, I know… but that’s exactly what popped into my head when I saw these two cards land on the table.

In the tarot, the Moon card is traditionally a representation of illusion, fear of the unknown (and the unknown in general), intuition and the subconscious, and a temptation to retreat from the unknown to a place of safety.    The Sun, on the other hand, is a representation of positivity and lightheartedness, that ‘inner child’ spark, warmth, vitality, and success.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: How can I improve my relationship with my shadow self?  (Fitting for what we have been discussing, and I might visit this reading more in depth on next Wednesday’s shadow post.)

Trick-or-Tarot DeckReading Summary:   Walk away (Eight of Cups), reevaluate (Adjustment/Justice), and come back stronger (King of Pentacles).   These cards echo the same pattern as the read on the positivity cards above, and it creates a feeling of reinforcement in what I’m seeing here.

Take Away: What I’m reading here is that starting this right before the holiday rush might not be the best idea.  If I wait, and take this time over the rush to evaluate my plan and look at different paths to my goal, then once the holiday rush is over and I am on the other side of it, I will be in a better and stronger place to do the shadow work safely.  

Deck Used: Trick-or-Tarot Deck

Surrender and Change

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Today’s meditation was just over twelve minutes long and focused on surrendering to change.  That is to say, not fighting against it but allowing it to take you along and flowing with it, and thus reducing stress through an attitude of acceptance and surrender.

World Card - Dark Mansion Tarot Today’s draw is The World card of the Major Arcana, meaning that it deals with an overall picture rather than one specific facet of the human experience.

The World card represents completion and the ending of a cycle as well as the movement of stepping through the end of a cycle into the next.   The World Card also holds within it the representation of one’s ascension from one level of development on to the next.

The message in today’s card is an echo of the meditation I did this morning.  That is to say, to not fight change.   Change is the birthplace of learning and growth.  Without it, the world sits stagnant.   But, when you relax into change instead of fighting it, you move forward and, along the way you “level up” in your growth.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: How can I bring more balance into my life?

Tarot of Haunted House Reading Summary: Surrender is again in the theme for this reading as well, with mention of surrendering (Ten of Swords) to a new way of experiencing my emotions (Ace of Cups), and making wise choices (intuitive hit off the imagery of the Seven of Pentacles) that will foster sustainable growth (also Seven of Pentacles) and stability in the area of my finances and resources (Four of Pentacles).

And can I just say?  I really love the imagery in this deck.

Take Away:  With the shadow work I’m beginning and all of the drowns and closeness lately, I feel more open and tender lately, which is very difficult for me not to fight against.  This openness leaves me a bit more vulnerable to my worries concerning my finances and stability, but if I stay on track in saving the money I need to get saved for the financial obligations I have coming up at the end of the year, my worries will ease up and everything will be fine.

Deck Used: Tarot of Haunted House

Shadow Work (The Less-Than Whisper)

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forest

Once upon a time there was a young man deeply in love.  He and his love enjoyed each other’s company and spent hours on hours together creating fictional worlds and beautiful stories together with their friends.

The young man, naive and trusting, had a great faith in humanity and the goodness of people.  He believed those around he and his love when they spoke of friendship and trusted them wholeheartedly, allowing them close and opening his heart to them on many occasions.

Then one day, out of the blue, a shadow figure appeared.  Witness to things the boy and his love could not see, this figure shared what had been seen.  Harsh words and plots hidden behind closed doors were revealed, and the true nature of those around him were put on display. The wicked witch and her crones exposed.

These others were not his friends at all, but instead aimed to split him from his love and steal his love away, expressing a desire to toss him aside as insignificant and as inconsequential as a wilted leaf in the dead of winter.  His trust crushed, the young man felt a tear rip through his insides, and a wound was created deep within his soul.

He and his love moved on from these people, yet the wound remained.  The young man buried it deeper and deeper, trying to find a way to make it smaller, make it less, and yet it remained… and remains.

That young man is me.  Was me…. somewhere around eight or nine years ago.

And still the wound remains.

dark

I tell myself all the time that that witch was a jealous cunt, and that her and her friends just wanted to try and separate us because they were jealous of what we had… and STILL have. And yet, it’s like in the back of my mind there’s this -knowledge- that I’m irritating and insignificant to others. Like a gnat.   Knowledge that isn’t true… but knowledge that my mind and heart refuses to allow logic to refute.

That whisper within my head uses words like piss-ant and insignificant and annoying and know-it-all and “special snowflake” (sarcasm).

I have tried for years to bury this whisper and smother it out, I’ve tried to pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore it… and yet it is there still. Insistent and persistent, it works its way back into my ear from the hole I bury it in. An insidious whisper, always there like the slow drip-drip of acid, keeping the wound just fresh enough to remain an open wound.

In our discussion on Monday night, you asked me to begin working on this shadow.

So I’m going to begin a weekly practice, and with it a weekly update post. Some weeks, I might have not much to say. Other weeks… maybe I’ll have a lot. But, each week I’ll go through the details of what I’m doing, and I’ll use this blog to keep myself accountable and on track as I work on this for a bit and see if maybe I can start the healing process.

I do not believe that this will be an easy process, or a quick one. I also don’t believe that the wound will be banished entirely, although perhaps it will begin to heal a bit… and maybe, possibly, start to scab over. The scar is sure to remain, but a scar is an empty echo… whereas the open wound that’s there now is much louder.

My first post, written here today, is an expression of my intentions.  It is a cementing of my will to move forward with the process, the first step upon the path, and an acknowledgement of the whispering less-than aspect of the shadow within, an aspect that I have tried so hard to ignore for so long.

Let the work begin.

 

You Can Do It

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Today’s meditation was just under four minutes long because I could NOT manage to stay still and allow myself to relax this morning.  I will give it another go before bed for the regular ten minutes or so.

Halloween Tarot Today’s draw was a double without a jumper, which is to say that both cards came out together as one.   The cards in today’s draw are the Five of Pumpkins (Pentacles) and the Magician card.

The message in these cards jumped out at me and has to do with what we spoke about last night.  It has to do with the shadow work that you’ve asked me to begin and I am in the process of creating a plan for.

What the cards are saying is that I have the tools to do this. Starting a project like this holds a lot of self consciousness and self doubt, which is natural. It’s going to be difficult, possibly painful, and I’m going to need help, but the knowledge and the tools to work on it are well in hand.

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: How can I be more adaptable?

Skele-Tarot Reading Summary: I need to be kinder to myself (The Empress) and allow myself to celebrate (Four of Wands) my accomplishments (Queen of Pentacles) instead of always pushing to go go go (Eight of Wands)

Take Away:  This message is about my motivations and my drive.  In this area, I am very harsh with myself and unrelenting.  I want to do more.. more… more.  This is an area where I could be well served to be more adaptable and allow myself some more space, gentle nurturing, and acceptance of my accomplishments and limitations rather than constantly pushing forward like a runaway horse with blinders on.

Deck Used: Skele-Tarot

 

Aces, Aces Everywhere

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and was not a guided meditation.  Instead, I did a body scan to some quiet music to follow along.  Although not as perfect (for me) for meditation as the background music in the meditation app, it was very soothing and relaxing.

Ace of Pentacles - Dark Mansion Tarot Today’s draw is the Ace of Pentacles, which is a representation of seeds of potential, new beginnings, and opportunity in the area of resources, manifestation, finances, and the physical world.

The message that I get from the appearance of this card today is that its important to pay attention and watch out for the appearance of these things.  If you’re not paying attention, these sparks of new opportunity can pass you by.  Sometimes seedlings break free from the seed and stretch up for the light only to be trampled by a careless boot.

Don’t be the careless boot.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: What is transforming for me at this time?

Twisted Tarot TalesReading Summary: This is all about my passions (Wands).  It’s about finding the places within my passions and ambitions where I am struggling (Nine of Wands), sorting through what they entail and finding what holds value and what doesn’t (Judgement), and then moving forward with renewed passion in a new direction with what’s not been discarded (Ace of Wands).

Take Away:  What is transforming for me at this time is that over the week while I’m supposed to be taking the time to rest and prepare, it is going to give me time to “switch gears” essentially.  It will allow me to return with vigor for the busy time to come.

Deck Used: Twisted Tarot Tales

My Cards Have BRS (Broken Record Syndrome)

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Ikigai Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and focused on the Japanese concept of Ikigai, which is is a term that is used to indicate the source of value in one’s life or the things that make one’s life worthwhile.

This was interesting, and more so because just yesterday Becca put up a video about finding one’s legacy in life, which is a similar concept, because I think if you discover and foster your Ikigai, you are building that legacy.

As I said in Becca’s video last night, I don’t really have any family I connect with other than my twin sister and my mother, and I sincerely doubt I will have a very significant legacy in any direct way. I think my legacy will be in a more esoteric way… and delivered through those things that make up my ikigai.

That is to say, the things I do, the interactions I have, the things that I create… they are like little pebbles dropped in a pond, creating ripples that spread outward.  Sometimes these ripples rock boats along the way and influencing other things in some small ways, sometimes the ripples join with other’s ripples and become waves of change beneath the water and upon the shore. That is my legacy.

Halloween Tarot Today’s draw is a double without a jumper, which is to say that they came out together as one.   The cards in today’s draw are the Six of Ghosts (Cups) and the Death card.

My intuitive reaction to these cards a carry over from the messages in yesterday’s Self Care reading.  I need to take some time for myself to seek out the things I enjoy and the small pleasures in life, I need to pay attention to them and really sink into them while I can.  Because, by doing so during this time, I will be nourishing myself and thus preparing myself for the change to come (the busy season starting next month).

(Side note… I think the reason that I ended up with so many jumpers and doubles in yesterday’s Self Care spread is that they were seeking to provide clarity and make sure I couldn’t misinterpret the cards and sway them in a “preferred direction”.   They are essentially saying “you’re not listening, so lets spell it out for you”.)

Deck Used: Halloween Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: Where may I benefit from a new perspective?

Halloween Spirit Tarot Reading Summary:  (Noting that I am being stalked by the Six of Cups recently.)  Emotions concerning past experiences (Six of Cups) and habits learned that need to be changed (Page of Swords) concerning working with others (Three of Pentacles).

Take Away:  Sometimes you need other’s abilities, knowledge, and expertise to get things done (and done well).  I’ve had some bad experiences when it comes to working with others, and it pollutes my perceptions of the process and my feelings concerning doing so in the future.  The cards are telling me that I need to consider a new perspective, and work at getting to a place where I would be open to trying again sometime in the future.

Deck Used: Spirit Tarot (by Spencer’s Gifts Halloween Spirit Store)