Day: October 23, 2019

Surrender and Change

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was just over twelve minutes long and focused on surrendering to change.  That is to say, not fighting against it but allowing it to take you along and flowing with it, and thus reducing stress through an attitude of acceptance and surrender.

World Card - Dark Mansion Tarot Today’s draw is The World card of the Major Arcana, meaning that it deals with an overall picture rather than one specific facet of the human experience.

The World card represents completion and the ending of a cycle as well as the movement of stepping through the end of a cycle into the next.   The World Card also holds within it the representation of one’s ascension from one level of development on to the next.

The message in today’s card is an echo of the meditation I did this morning.  That is to say, to not fight change.   Change is the birthplace of learning and growth.  Without it, the world sits stagnant.   But, when you relax into change instead of fighting it, you move forward and, along the way you “level up” in your growth.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: How can I bring more balance into my life?

Tarot of Haunted House Reading Summary: Surrender is again in the theme for this reading as well, with mention of surrendering (Ten of Swords) to a new way of experiencing my emotions (Ace of Cups), and making wise choices (intuitive hit off the imagery of the Seven of Pentacles) that will foster sustainable growth (also Seven of Pentacles) and stability in the area of my finances and resources (Four of Pentacles).

And can I just say?  I really love the imagery in this deck.

Take Away:  With the shadow work I’m beginning and all of the drowns and closeness lately, I feel more open and tender lately, which is very difficult for me not to fight against.  This openness leaves me a bit more vulnerable to my worries concerning my finances and stability, but if I stay on track in saving the money I need to get saved for the financial obligations I have coming up at the end of the year, my worries will ease up and everything will be fine.

Deck Used: Tarot of Haunted House

Shadow Work (The Less-Than Whisper)

/ Twist the Leaf / 2 Comments

forest

Once upon a time there was a young man deeply in love.  He and his love enjoyed each other’s company and spent hours on hours together creating fictional worlds and beautiful stories together with their friends.

The young man, naive and trusting, had a great faith in humanity and the goodness of people.  He believed those around he and his love when they spoke of friendship and trusted them wholeheartedly, allowing them close and opening his heart to them on many occasions.

Then one day, out of the blue, a shadow figure appeared.  Witness to things the boy and his love could not see, this figure shared what had been seen.  Harsh words and plots hidden behind closed doors were revealed, and the true nature of those around him were put on display. The wicked witch and her crones exposed.

These others were not his friends at all, but instead aimed to split him from his love and steal his love away, expressing a desire to toss him aside as insignificant and as inconsequential as a wilted leaf in the dead of winter.  His trust crushed, the young man felt a tear rip through his insides, and a wound was created deep within his soul.

He and his love moved on from these people, yet the wound remained.  The young man buried it deeper and deeper, trying to find a way to make it smaller, make it less, and yet it remained… and remains.

That young man is me.  Was me…. somewhere around eight or nine years ago.

And still the wound remains.

dark

I tell myself all the time that that witch was a jealous cunt, and that her and her friends just wanted to try and separate us because they were jealous of what we had… and STILL have. And yet, it’s like in the back of my mind there’s this -knowledge- that I’m irritating and insignificant to others. Like a gnat.   Knowledge that isn’t true… but knowledge that my mind and heart refuses to allow logic to refute.

That whisper within my head uses words like piss-ant and insignificant and annoying and know-it-all and “special snowflake” (sarcasm).

I have tried for years to bury this whisper and smother it out, I’ve tried to pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore it… and yet it is there still. Insistent and persistent, it works its way back into my ear from the hole I bury it in. An insidious whisper, always there like the slow drip-drip of acid, keeping the wound just fresh enough to remain an open wound.

In our discussion on Monday night, you asked me to begin working on this shadow.

So I’m going to begin a weekly practice, and with it a weekly update post. Some weeks, I might have not much to say. Other weeks… maybe I’ll have a lot. But, each week I’ll go through the details of what I’m doing, and I’ll use this blog to keep myself accountable and on track as I work on this for a bit and see if maybe I can start the healing process.

I do not believe that this will be an easy process, or a quick one. I also don’t believe that the wound will be banished entirely, although perhaps it will begin to heal a bit… and maybe, possibly, start to scab over. The scar is sure to remain, but a scar is an empty echo… whereas the open wound that’s there now is much louder.

My first post, written here today, is an expression of my intentions.  It is a cementing of my will to move forward with the process, the first step upon the path, and an acknowledgement of the whispering less-than aspect of the shadow within, an aspect that I have tried so hard to ignore for so long.

Let the work begin.