anxiety

Letting Go

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Today’s meditation was fifteen minutes and seven seconds, and focused on allowing thoughts to rise without judgement during one’s meditation practice, before then setting them aside and returning focus upon the breath.

This practice provides acknowledgment of the thoughts without allowing you to get lost in them. It felt a bit like floating in the ocean, the water lifting and lowering me with its movements, but on a mental plane instead of a physical one.

This activity was actually quite useful to me today. After last night’s discussion with you I’ve been feeling a bit stressed and worried. By allowing these thoughts to surface instead of just pushing them aside or suppressing them, it felt like I was dealing with them rather than trying to ignore them.

Today’s draw is the Four of Swords, which is a representation of rest, respite, and recovery (especially after chaos) in the areas pertaining to thought, logic, and communication.

The Four of Cups I drew yesterday was pushing me to deal with an issue that I really didn’t want to deal with. Today’s Four of Swords is saying that now that I’ve dealt with the issue I was stressing over through our discussion last night, it’s time to take a deep breath and ease my thoughts and worries.

After I shared with you last night I didn’t really feel relief, although I did feel that a weight was lifted. I’m not really sure how to explain that except that my worry continued on.

Both last night and this morning I’ve wavered over whether telling you was the right move, even though I should KNOW it is. And honestly, the milk is spilt now, so I don’t even know why I keep going over it in my mind.

The Four of Swords is telling me that I need to let go of these worries. I need to take a deep breath and just let what happens happen now that the bomb has dropped and chaos it entailed has come to an end.

Calm Within the Storm

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Today’s meditation was seventeen minutes and five seconds, and focused on confronting one’s feelings instead of running from them.

The method involves recognizing and naming your feeling of the moment, then “leaning in” to observe without thought or judgement (which I found quite difficult, actually).

Usually I wouldn’t have had that much to work with for this, but my immediate and uncomfortable fraction to today’s draw left me with plenty.

Today’s draw was the Four of Cups, and the card brought up a good amount of ugliness in my emotions today.   It did communicate a message, and bring up something that I really need to deal with, which is (I reluctantly admit) a good thing.

BUT, the point of the Daily Focus activity on this blog is to find a positive daily focus.   My reaction to the Four of Cups was too intense to find that positivity in it, so I’ve switched it up and am using an affirmation instead for today.

This quote by Sri Ravi Shankar is about meditation.  But, I believe it can be extended into daily life.   It’s important to remember that even when there is chaos, whether the chaos is internal or external, that a sliver of peace and calm can be found just by taking a moment and reaching for it.

After the draw today and my reaction to it, this is a good reminder for me that I need to reach for that peace and seek out that moment of serenity.  I need to take a breath, and let the stillness and quiet wash over me.

In the hours between my draw of the Four of Cups and my meditation, I’ve found a better, less anxiety ridden, place within myself by focusing on the quote. It seems to be just the guidance that I needed today.

On My Feet

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Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and four seconds, and focused on using external cues as reminders to come back to center in your practice.

For the meditation, they used a chime. Each time the chime went off it was a reminder to bring your mind back to the breath and the relaxation of your body.

This actually worked really well for me. I realize that my mind wanders even more than I had thought it did. The audible cue helped me in catching myself in those thoughts and set them aside more quickly.

Today’s draw is the 13th card in the Major Arcana, the Death card. Although it can, this card rarely represents the death of a person or pet. Instead, it’s more common representation is that of change, as is the case for a number of cards in the tarot.

With the Death card, it’s about an organic change… the kind of change that comes on gradually and has now reached its end. Not only is it about that change specially, but also about the cleansing that accompanies such endings.

This card is telling me that my depression has come to an end. It’s been a long road and a hard climb to get out of that pit I’d fallen into… but I believe I’m there.

I feel this climb coming to an end is especially remarkable considering that I’ve been visiting at my mothers house for the past few days. The house is not usually conducive to positivity and healing where I am concerned.

And yet here I am. Standing outside the pit, with a little niggle of anxiety in my gut, but otherwise back on my feet. That hole in the ground that I fell into and the darkness that tangled me up is now behind me.

It’s time to move forward.

Seeking Emotional Stability

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Today’s meditation was done in a quiet room at Ms B’s and… I almost fell asleep. (Oops!)

The meditation today was fourteen minutes and thirty seven seconds, and focused addiction to thought.

That is, how we try to always give each thought that wanders through our head “it’s due” rather than sometimes just letting them go. This is especially relevant and noticeable during meditation, as it is during this time when the thoughts that intrude can be like the temptation of a curious path in the forest that leads away from the one you are already on.

People (myself included) follow their thoughts without even realizing it, addicted to the random paths, to fixing or resolving, to… thinking. Today’s meditation brings this tendency to light as a reminder that during one’s meditation practice (and other times when overwhelmed) setting aside thoughts, rather than following them, is healthy and beneficial.

The first card in today’s draw was the Six of Hearts. Hearts is a suit seated in emotions, family, relationships, and creativity. The six in this suit represents seeking answers and truths.

The second card in today’s draw is the Four of Hearts. This card…. is you. It is an indication of stability and shelter. Comfort. Home.

The cards are telling me that this lost and seeking feeling in my gut this morning is all about you. It’s time to come home. To my shelter. To my anchor. To you.

The cards are directing me to you.

Out of Line

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OK, before I do my meditation today, I need to get something off of my chest that’s been weighing on me all morning.

I was really out of line last night, and I am so sorry for it, and for hurting you.

Other than during the last year before coming back to me in full, you have always been the most selfless person I know when it comes to me. You always put me first, you always pay attention and watch closely, you always see so much more than I’m usually trying to show. You always push for what’s in my best interest.

To accuse you of trying to make something “all about you” was so grossly out of line. I don’t know why my temper flared like it did, but the words that came out of me… they were just wrong. On so many levels.

I’m so sorry. I hate that I said that to you. I hate that it will be there between us now and forever, no matter how much I wish I could take it back.

I love you.

Trying a Different Tact

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OK, so first I’m going to explain what I want to change or… rather, try. And then I’ll do today’s post at the end.

I wasn’t really connecting very well with the affirmations that I was getting from the app that I was using. So I decided to try using my tarot cards instead.

All cards in a deck have general meanings, but can be interpreted in many different ways. So what I want to do is is use the cards to find the positive meaning to my day. One card, one positive interpretation.

Since each card in a deck can have multiple interpretations, even if I get the same card more than once, the interpretation may be different for each time.

I think if I do this I may connect more to the meditation and the affirmations, and then on the days when I just don’t feel up to it and want to “cheat” and do the short path (or want to save time), I can use the app generated affirmations as fill-ins for those days.

Today’s card is the Four of Cups. Cups is the suit of emotions and creativity, and the four represents a theme of ease, shelter, and stability.

When I look at this card I see the water and her floating within it, and today it puts me at ease like when I drown for you and I’m floating in that space.

I think this card is reminding me today that I need to relax, and not try so hard in my meditation. Just let it come. Just relax into it and stop judging myself so hard for every little stray thought that wanders in during the meditation.

I have been dealing with a bit of anxiety so far in my morning. Because of this, I also feel that the card’s appearance is telling me that during my day today I should take a moment now and then just to relax and take a breath and put myself at ease.

Today’s meditation was 10 minutes and 28 seconds, and seem to go a bit easier than the last couple of days.