Month: May 2019

Understanding and Support

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Today’s meditation was eighteen minutes and sixteen seconds, and focused on awareness during meditation.

This meditation was a variation on using body scanning during meditation. It involves scanning your body from head to toe and then back up again very slowly as a form of focus during the meditation.

I did not doze! Although, my mind did wander quite a bit. Of course, as always, when I caught myself I would bring myself back to my breath and the body scan.

Today’s draw is the King of Cups for my daily focus. He is the representation of a strong alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of emotions, relationships, and creativity. The King of Cups is support and empathy, strength and understanding.

Lately I’ve found myself a little bit more impatient with people, and a little bit less understanding. A little bit less forgiving of their idiosyncrasies that bother me. I’ve let my fear of being hurt emotionally by others close me off from seeing their potential, their pain, and their needs.

I used to be far more open, and far less judging.

This card is a reminder that just because I may not always be comfortable with (or particularly like) a person doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of my attention or my support. It’s a reminder that it is okay to open up, socialize, be sincere, and help people… and that I shouldn’t let fear of being hurt hold me back from these things.

Incidentally, I’ve always associated the King of Cups with you. That open personality that you have which draws people in and makes them feel safe and comfortable. Even when you don’t always know what to say, you always seem to find the right thing. Your heart is so big, and yet strength and that alpha energy within you is ever present in each word and every action.

Seeding the Garden of New Ideas

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Like yesterday, my morning was a bit hectic and inconvenient today. So, I drew my card first thing when I got up to give myself focus and food for thought throughout my day, but didn’t have time to meditate until this evening.

Today’s meditation was fifteen minutes and forty-nine seconds, and focused on letting go. Whether that be negative feelings, or thoughts that keep one up at night, etc.

I didn’t think this one applied to me very much, but now that it’s over I feel… better. I’m not sure what I let go exactly, but I definitely feel lighter.

The woman’s voice on the guided meditation was so soothing that I caught myself dozing off a few times. I definitely need a nap.

Today’s draw is the Ace of Swords. In the suit of intellect, communication, and logic, the Ace represents new beginnings, fresh insights, and the discovery of new truths. It can also be a powerful encouragement concerning new intellectual endeavors, projects concerning communication, etc.

I can’t help but see a strong correlation between the appearance of this card and this new project we’ve embarked on with this blog.

I know you are seeing benefits from what I’ve begun here, and I think that I see some of them as well. I’m more aware of myself and my inner dialogue throughout the day than I was before. And, I truly believe that this project made a profound impact on how I surfaced from my depression this time around.

I feel more… hopeful, too. And there’s no denying the benefits to our relationship, as it has opened up channels of communication that, following a depression, are usually much more difficult, awkward, and uncomfortable to get opened back up. Not to mention usually taking quite a bit more time? I’m pretty sure that’s also the case, because although I don’t really remember that part of things (or at least not much of it), this time feels… accelerated. And yet not in an overwhelming way.

SO… wandering thoughts aside, I feel like this card is a reminder that this blog and what I’m doing here is a good thing. The card was also a bit of a prompt to really look at the benefits mentioned above as well.

Striving Toward Excellence

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Although I drew my card this morning when I woke up, I was not able to fit in my meditation until this evening, so today’s post is a little late.

Today’s meditation was 14 minutes and 47 seconds, and focused on ‘riding the waves’ of thought during meditation rather than pushing them away.

Although it was supposed to be about riding the waves of thought, though, it was really all about emotion instead. I found this unfortunate, because I rarely have all that much emotion when in meditation. My intrusive thoughts are almost always visual (as in mental images) without an emotional connotation.

So, it ended up that the guided meditation didn’t exactly hit its mark for me today. I was remarkably relaxed through it today, though.

Today’s draw is the Eight of Pentacles, which is a representation of determination, purpose, strength, and progress in the areas of the material world, resources, and money.

This is telling me that I am making progress.  I may not FEEL like I am making progress, but I am.  It also teaches that striving for perfection is not necessarily a bad thing, and that pushing forward and striving towards excellence in my goals will continue to move me forward to their completion.

I feel like this card is an encouragement to keep striving in my business, but more specifically, that it refers to my plans concerning my mortgage.

I greatly desire to be mortgage-free.  For the first time in years, I am getting back a tax return this year, and I plan on using that tax return to pay off what’s left of my line of credit (and pay for my dental surgery that’s coming up next month).

Once my line of credit that I’d accumulated during my cancer treatments is paid off, I can then start directing the money I had been putting monthly towards it into the mortgage instead.

At that point, I will be looking at just over 6.5 years until I own my place outright.  Mortgage-free.  Yes please.

Tarot Deck Modification

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Darkness of Light Tarot

Darkness of Light Tarot with Black Edging Modification

I did my very first deck modification yesterday, and I’m really happy with it. Or, well perhaps I shouldn’t count it as my first, as I’ve used a punch to round off the corners on a sharp cornered deck in the past. That said, though, this was the first time I have gone beyond that.

The thing is, I have a handful of decks that I’ve purchased (or been given) over the years that I’m not 100% happy with. I’ve considered doing mods on them before, but it kind of felt like… a desecration.

That said, I’ve been following a video blog lately on YouTube, and the author does mods as a part of her practice. In one of her videos, she had a really good point about deck modifications.

That point, or rather, what it boils down to is that these decks are mine, and they need to be comfortable for me and attuned to my energy. If that means I need to alter a deck for it to “fit” me, then that should be okay because it’s my deck. Modifying it with this purpose only makes it that much more mine.

My thoughts on this might be different if I were collecting decks in order to resell, or to keep pristine. But that’s not the case. I use my decks. I enjoy handling them. Shuffling them. Feeling their energies and personalities shine through. So why not try to adjust them when they don’t feel quite right as they are on arrival in my collection? I really need to do something to see if I can make them more comfortable and more mine.

As I said, the only mods I’ve ever done before were rounding corners, and yesterday’s experiment with edging the Darkness of Light tarot in black.

Because of this, I’ve ordered a “practice deck” to try out trimming (making a deck smaller), as I’m not confident enough to just jump in with that type of more “extreme” modifications without a little practice first. Especially since I have a number of decks that I find discomfort in because they are so large. Or, in a couple of cases, because the border around the artwork is ugly and distracting.

Fortunately, I was able to find two used decks on eBay for $1.99 for both. These are the Blue Messiah Oracle and Cosmos Oracles. Both have cards that are quite large in size and are by the same author with similar artwork. I figure it can give me a good practice to try cutting down their size, and then edging them in color.

If they turn out, of course, I’ll have to give them a really thorough cleansing before using them, but I’m looking forward to their arrival and getting the chance to experiment.

Choosing Paths

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Today’s meditation was 15 minutes and 48 seconds, and focused on letting go of things that you cannot change.

You know, like my depression? Or rather, my feelings of guilt over having left you behind and on your own during my depression, and my frustration with having lost time (and the memories of during that time) for over a month.

There’s really no point in holding onto these issues when there’s nothing that I can do about them. Holding onto them just holds me back and brings me down. I think I need to work on letting that frustration and guilt go.

Today’s card is the zero card in the Major Arcana… the Fool.

The Fool represents that place in new beginnings where many paths are laid out before you and you have yet to take your first step. This is a card of new beginnings that are filled with the bounty of possibilities and potential.

Sometimes in new beginnings it’s a good idea to think things out and make the logical choices, but the Fool card is an encouragement to follow one’s heart instead.

For me, following my heart always involves creativity on some level. This type of decision making is not really in my wheelhouse most of the time, because I have a tendency to lean towards logic and thought rather than the heart. (Not to be confused with following your instincts, which I excel at most of the time.) I always seem to view decisions based in the heart as the less responsible choices.

That said, whenever I make decisions with my heart, it seems to always have something to do with my creative endeavors. Whether that’s a new design that I’m working on, or a new idea I want to try out, or even in the directions that we go in within our role play.

So my focus for today, prompted by this card, will be to try and follow my heart more in my decision making, rather than immediately reaching for whatever logical options my head presents.

Cultivating Creation

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Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and thirty-nine seconds, and focused on doing one thing at a time.

I think that, because I’m tired today, this task really isn’t all that easy. My days are often a blend of multitasking and intense focus. But when I’m tired, sometimes the two get a bit jumbled together.

In meditation it’s important to focus on the moment, and today I had a really hard time staying focused. I think it’s just that I’m tired, though, as most of the intruding thoughts were visual daydream oriented. They weren’t about things I need to do, or projects that need to get done, or any of that. And, even though I was awake, I caught myself just starting to pull in a snore here and there in my breathing.

Today’s draw is the Three of Pentacles. This card is all about creation, abundance, and heart in the areas of money, resources, and the physical world.

The dark pit of depression that sucked me in set me behind in many things, especially those related to tending to my business and my creativity, which I greatly intertwined.

This card is an encouragement to pick that creativity back up. It’s time to bring ideas to the surface and bring them forward into the physical world once more.

Before the depression, I had so many ideas and so many projects on the go. I had lots of things to make, quite a few ideas in mid-creation, and all of it ended up on the back burner.

This card is an encouragement to get back into those things I enjoy. It’s time to begin manifesting these ideas and projects that have been sitting on the back burner into reality.

As a sidenote, it’s probably not surprising that this is one of my favorite pieces of artwork in this particular tarot deck. I love the inquisitive yet contented expression on his face. I love the way that he seems so at peace and happy in both his work and his creativity. To me, the artwork is truly an expression of working industriously at doing what you love.