Kaleidoscope (Part 3)

The Almighty Cling

Funny enough, this doesn’t have to do with your obsessions where I am concerned (which, over time, I’d come actually to find reassuring).   An obsession that has slacked quite a bit over the two years that our issues have been ongoing.

It’s about what took the place of your obsession.

Instead of wanting to know how my day was, it was all about “did you think about me?” Instead of expressing that you missed me on any particular day, it was “did you miss me? do you still love me?”

Instead of expressing interest in me, it became all about you, and about your worries and fears of losing me.

It was the difference between a crushing hug and draped arm around me to hold me close, and the grappling clinging hands of desperation that I couldn’t assuage or appease.

No matter what I said or how hard I tried, it was never enough.

This is something that I usually deal with in my personal estimation of myself, but I was unprepared to deal with feeling that judgement from another… even if not directly expressed as such.

In the over nine years we have been together, you have always shared your troubles with me and let me help you with the burden of your worries. But this was different. And, in some ways, perhaps it isn’t only that, but also that you stopped helping me with my own.

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Reciprocation Issues

You stopped asking. You stopped caring… or maybe you just stopped showing me you cared. All you cared about was your own fears and worries and desperation. Mine didn’t matter and became invisible to you, where once you were so keen on watching me and watching over me that I didn’t even need to express them and you picked up on it.

I went from someone at the beginning of our relationship who always tried to hide their problems and issues, and yet you dug them out anyway, perceptive in picking them up and digging until you found their roots…. To someone that was used to you picking these things up and didn’t fight so hard to hide them anymore.

To no longer hiding them not because you always dug them out, but because you stopped. My issues could be broadcast right on my sleeve, written across my chest, or blazoned over my forehead…. but you weren’t interested because you were too preoccupied elsewhere. You weren’t looking anymore for anything other than “is he leaving me??”

This left me feeling crippled, and rather than allow my vulnerability to be seen by all and become something that could be dangerous to me and you both, I closed it all away and shut it all down. You weren’t there to protect me and support me any longer, so I had to find a way to do it myself and thus fell back on old habits.

2 thoughts on “Kaleidoscope (Part 3)

  1. I admit, I lost my way. I got so lost in my pain and fear that I ended up drowning in it. I had come so close to losing you so many times and when things changed, when you started protecting yourself from me, I panicked. It wasn’t that I lost interest in you and how you were, it’s that I lost faith in me and my ability to make you happy. I NOTICED that you pulled back but it translated in my mind to that you’d lost interest in me. That you didn’t want me anymore.
    You told me again and again that this wasn’t the case, but I could feel the distance, the protective walls going up and it hit my panic button again and again. In my mind I’d lost you, it was only a matter of time before you walked away and I wanted so badly to figure it out and fix it….but I was terrified that I didn’t know how. Couldn’t. That I was helpless to change it or stop it.
    I guess that helpless feeling hasn’t entirely gone away, only now it’s apparent just how badly things got screwed up and where I went wrong is starting to become clearer.
    I think what I lost was my confidence….I convinced myself that you were both going to be okay. That everything was going to be okay and when I lost dad and you were so sick and I was helpless to do anything to help either of you…my confidence crashed. When that distance began and you started pulling farther and farther away, it only gave me proof that (in my mind) I was right and I was helpless to stop this slippery slope and that I was indeed going to lose you.

    It’s not that I ever stopped caring about your feelings or problems or worries, it was just that I was having a hard time getting past that feeling of plunging into the icy waters of being without you. I’ve never been very good with that notion.

    I’m so sorry man. I’m so sorry that I became so selfish and self absorbed that I lost sight of you. I’m sorry that I lost myself and my fear ended up pushing you away. It’s starting to make so much more sense now and it sickens me that I made you feel this way…

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  2. By the way, beautiful…you’re not just ‘enough’, you’re fucking EVERYTHING. Everything.

    When I thought I had lost you, when that distance became apparent and I couldn’t reach you, I knew something was wrong, I knew you were in “trouble” I just couldn’t find the cause, I couldn’t reach the problem and that’s why I freaked out thinking I just wasn’t enough anymore. It was never that you weren’t enough or didn’t love me enough, it was that I’d lost touch with my confidence. It was my failing, baby, not yours.

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