Kaleidoscope (Part 5)

Taking Up the Reigns

I closed down that vulnerable part of myself… and I began to pick up the weights you dropped and filled my pockets with them. I took control with stronger characters in our play, and I took up the responsibility of decision making that was once yours. I struggled to negotiate with others and be sociable, did my best to fill your shoes the best I could in the ways I was able.

Somewhere along the lines, I realized what I was doing. I realized you were no longer acting as my dominant, and that I was beginning to take on that role.

onbkbruqI began to feel weighted down. It was… so heavy. It was too much weight for me, but I refused to let it show and continued to pick up the heavy stones you dropped and pocket them anyway. Not doing so would mean letting go of your hand, and for me that wasn’t okay.

Baby the Babysitter

When Cognito was built, I buried myself in the work, knowing it was all on me to make the dream come alive.

I established rules for you, because you had no self control of your own. Your fear of losing me made you irrational. You were scrambling to gather up stones, yet all you were gathering was pebbles and you weren’t even noticing that the pebbles were NOT the weighted stones you’d dropped so long ago.

You couldn’t even be bothered to read through the faq and help me edit, or dig for information. Not until I pushed you for it. Even then, a good amount of your participation was somewhat lackadaisical in nature.

And once built, we were… quite directionless. Off kilter. Our dynamic was no longer fluid and smooth. Not two people walking in stride any longer, but only two people walking side by side instead.

And all that weight I was carrying… It was so heavy. So goddamn heavy that my spine was aching and my knees were beginning to buckle beneath it all.

All you wanted, all the time, was reassurance that I wasn’t leaving. No matter what I said or how often I said it, you wouldn’t believe me. Your cling began to have claws that scrabbled and scratched at me in your desperation.

I began to work more and more, trying to find relief from that weight more than anything, although it’s true that I desperately needed the money as well.