#selfloveforthesummer

Taking a Pause

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Today’s meditation was skipped yet again.  I overslept then the day went all awry and… it just didn’t happen.

Playful Heart Tarot and Less Anxiety Affirmation CardsToday’s draw is the Five of Pentacles, which is traditionally a representation of misfortune, domestic or financial troubles, scarcity, and ill health.

Today’s card really speaks to me intuitively through the imagery.  It says that sometimes life is filled with absurdly frustrating and challenging moments, and that all you feel like doing those moments is breaking down on the side of the road and say fuck it.

I get this.  It happens.  Hell, it happens to me.  I have fallen apart in oncology appointments, had my soul screaming so loud that the only peace I could find is curled in the bottom of a running shower, and bawled my eyes out in physiotherapy sessions. Sometimes… falling apart feels like the only thing left.

The addition of the affirmation card for today is a reminder that when you’re feeling those moments come to their peak?  It’s time to pause. Take a big, deep breath and instead of screaming? Let it out slow then take another.

DECK USED:  PLAYFUL HEART TAROT AND LESS ANXIETY AFFIRMATION CARDS

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How are my goals progressing?

Backyard Blessings Cards and Playful Heart TarotThe Wheel of Fortune indicates that my progress comes and goes. Although not steady, it’s still moving forward.

The advice provided here indicates that, I need to make sure that I focus on optimism and abundance at this time.  I’m getting somewhere, even when things are slow.

But, I’ll get there quicker and healthier if I’m invested in joyful experiences along the way, feeling grateful for what I have, and making sure that I’m continuing to work on counteracting my pessimistic nature with more optimism. Especially during the times when things feel like they are lagging,

DECK USED:  PLAYFUL HEART TAROT AND BACKYARD BLESSINGS CARDS

#DiscordTarotholicsJun2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic: Self-Care for the New Moon…

Playful Heart TarotReading Summary: Go get that healthy alone time (The Hermit) in nature’s embrace (The Empress), before you lose the chance to do it (The Wheel).

Take Away: I’ve been a bit lax about getting myself out in the woods this last couple of months. Ever since the stalker letter showed up, actually.

I need to move past my resistance and actually do it though. I can feel I’m not getting what I need, and that it is not just dragging me down at this rate, but actually hurting me.

It’s possible (and, in fact, would make perfect sense) that my resistance here is seated not just in my concerns over the whole stalker issue and the fear involved in that, but also is tickling at my self-destruction tendencies.    In either case, whether it’s fear or the dark seduction of self-destruction, it’s something I need to break free of and not allow it to take root and continue to grow.

DECK USED:  PLAYFUL HEART TAROT

The Sacred Grounds Tarot Club Prompt
Question: How can I move more into my heart space?

Secrets of the Mystic Grove OracleReading Summary: Being successful alone is well and good. But,when you work together with others your accomplishments are more significant, and you get more done. In looking ahead to the future, make sure that you are including others more in your endeavors and accomplishments.

Take Away: The cards here are indicating that if I want to move more into my heart space I need to invite those around me in closer and allow them more room in my life, including in allowing them to be more deeply involved in my endeavors and help me on my path to success and accomplishment.

DECK USED:  SECRETS OF THE MYSTIC GROVE ORACLE

Daily Self Kindness

I splurged on going to a seafood restaurant today and had calamari, deep fried brussels sprouts, four pieces of halibut fish and chips.

What I Want, When I Want It

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Today’s meditation was skipped as it’s an orders day.

Fortune Queens: A Drag Race Tarot and Less Anxiety Affirmation CardsToday’s draw is The Lovers card, which is traditionally a representation of relationships and sometimes marriage, as well as making healthy choices, weighing one’s values when making a decision, and themes to do with love and harmony.

When combined with the affirmation card pulled for today, what I see is a reminder that sometimes making choices… is hard.  Sometimes it’s a tug of war between what we want and what needs to be done, or a debate between what is best for others or best for ourselves.

At these times, having choices doesn’t feel like a boon, even though it absolutely is, and it’s important to take a step back and just breathe.  Let things settle, weigh your values and your needs against what might be your actual desire.   Stay calm and the right answer will come.

Sometimes?  That means we can’t always have what we want when we want it.  For example, in today is an orders day. This means that the mass majority of my waking hours has to be focused on work and getting orders ready to ship, which means limited contact with Gideon. It sucks, but it’s temporary. And so I tell myself to breathe through it and keep moving.

DECK USED:  FORTUNE QUEENS: A DRAG RACE TAROT AND LESS ANXIETY AFFIRMATION CARDS

CoffeexTarot’s Self Love For The Summer Prompt
Question: What spiritual gift do I possess?

Oracle of the Strange ForestFirefly – My ability to be genuine with both myself and the world around me. I’ve met people that find this quality extremely annoying, and others that find it refreshing.  Some understand, and others can’t grasp it.  But I really have no one else I’d rather be, and no one else I could bother pretending to be.

I don’t have the heart, the motivation, or the memory to hide myself from those around me, and I figure if I instead simply allow my true sell to shine, people are far more aware if I’m someone they’d want to get to know, or someone they’d rather pass on.

Groundhog and Hawk – Balancing optimism with control. Allowing others room to grow in their own way and their own direction while providing guidance.  This balancing act between providing inspiration and direction, and allowing others to grow at their own pace and in their own unique ways is something that I find extremely important.  It’s a gift that allows me to guide (and occasionally also teach) others without imposing my own path upon theirs.  Instead I encourage their own growth on their own path, and provide experiences and information to help them find their way.

DECK USED:  ORACLE OF THE STRANGE FOREST

#DiscordTarotolicsJun2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic: About love…
Question: How can I better discern acts of love from those spurred by other motivations?

Fortune Queens: A Drag Race TarotReading Summary: You need to work on having more faith in those around you (The Star atop Three of Cups). Everyone picks (Seven of Cups) a bad apple now and then and has to take time to recover from the betrayal (Wheel of Fortune atop Four of Swords).

Take Away: The answer here in these cards is that there is no better way to discern acts of love from those spurred by other motivations than the methods I am already using.  You can’t know everything, and life can turn on a dime and bite you in the ass.  

Have a little faith, and try not to go too overboard on the paranoia.

DECK USED:  FORTUNE QUEENS: A DRAG RACE TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I’m going to bed at a decent hour tonight.

Self Gratitude Is Important

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Today’s meditation was skipped.  I was just too damned tired.

Spiritsong Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is the Four of Shells (Cups), which is traditionally a representation of meditative contemplation, taking a pause in which you turn away from external help and look inward, soul-searching, meditation, and at times, apathy and discontent with what is being offered.

I find that the Flower Fortunes card for the day matches this theme in the way that we often forget to pause and appreciate ourselves in the day to day of our lives.

We see the good in others, we evaluate the world around us in the day to day much lie the watchful crane stands still among reeds and evaluates its environment.   But when do we take time to actually look at ourselves and truly appreciate ourselves?  Not all that often.  Instead we look with a critical eye, an apathetic eye, or the eye of someone seeking out their favorite whipping boy.

The message in today’s cards is to take a step back and look at yourself with kindness.  Look at yourself with appreciation.  Take time to be grateful for yourself.  For who you are and what you can do, for the decisions you’ve made and how far you’ve come.

DECK USED:  SPIRITSONG TAROT AND FLOWER FORTUNE CARDS

#DiscordTarotolicsJun2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic: Do Spread #1

Prairie Majesty Oracle How is the rise of summer energies manifesting in my life?

Dragonfly – You’re being given the opportunity to pivot direction into something stronger and happier.  Welcome the change and lean into the turn.  What you’re seeking is around that corner,  you just need to let go and enjoy the ride.

How can I Harness these summer energies for my purpose?

Earthworm – In order to let this change happen you’re going to need to let go. Take a breath, and let the chips fall as they may instead of fighting against it because you’re afraid or uncomfortable. The struggle isn’t needed and is rooted in judgements concerning the discomfort that comes with change.

Where would I be best served in directing these energies throughout the summer months?

Cottonwood – You need to direct this energy into a sense of curiosity and enthusiasm. Don’t let the dread of change and discomfort take away this opportunity. Stretch your self tall, explore… look at it as an adventure.  Something fun and interesting instead of something to fear.

DECK USED:  PRAIRIE MAJESTY ORACLE

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can I improve upon how I spend my time?

Spiritsong TarotReading Summary: More focus on what I’m doing, less distraction (Ace of Acorns). Increase your gratitude practices, for they help you feel more fulfilled as a whole (Nine of Shells). Seek out time with Gideon which allows for both emotional growth as well as a sense of emotional security (King of Shells).

Take Away:  Everything looks back to the Ace of Acorns, meaning that whatever I’m doing, no matter what it is, I need to make sure that I am leaning into focusing on that thing instead of allowing multiple different things to tap in and distract me, splintering my focus.

This is something that has been happening quite a lot lately, and only I can make the changes and choices that will allow me to get past this splintering of focus and back to somewhere more solid and productive.

DECK USED:  SPIRIT SONG TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I allowed myself not to give a fuck about my mother being pissed off that I fell asleep on her when she was on the phone.

Embracing Change

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IMG_2140Today’s meditation was just under fourteen minutes long, and was one of the guided meditations in the Calm app which I combined with an interval timer for my piriformis stretching.

The focus of today’s meditation was an activity that worked on disassociating with the thoughts that go on in the mind during meditation. We looked at both verbal thoughts that run through your mind, as well as visualization thoughts that run through your mind, and how to stay distant from them by labeling them (ie: talk, image, quiet) instead of sinking into them or letting them carry you away.

David's Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is The Tower card, which is traditionally a representation of sudden and chaotic change, tearing down the old to make way for new, and destruction.

These kind of changes are often terrifying or painful.  They come out of the blue and are destructive, tearing down well known structures and comfortable norms.   Not only is this part of things scary, but sometimes the concept of rebuilding from the ashes can be just as frightening.

The reminder in the Flower Fortune cards for today is an apt one when paired with The Tower, as it reminds us to “welcome the change coming into your life”.

When change comes, especially when it comes on suddenly, it’s difficult not to flinch in response and shy away from it.  It’s hard not to fight against it.   The thing is?  The change is going to happen whether we want it to or not.  If we fight it?  It just drags things out and makes it last that much longer.  Better to embrace it when it comes, ride it out, and in the end you are better prepared to move on and rebuild things just how you want them.

DECK USED:  DAVID’S TAROT AND FLOWER FORTUNE CARDS

The Sacred Grounds Tarot Club Prompt
Questions for June 4 thru 6th

Luna Sol Tarot 2nd EditionWhen am I intuitively insecure?
Page of Disks Rx and The Hermit

When life goes stagnant, and I’m left to stew in my own shit, I end up struggling with self confidence. My intuition also has a way of going quiet when I try too hard to take everything on all alone.

How am I using my intuition in my life right now?
Ten of Swords Rx and The Sun atop The Empress Rx

I am using my intuition to avoid the painful endings that I feel that I’m not ready for.  Instead I’m seeking joy, even if it’s unhealthy for me, when what I really need to do is deal with those unpleasant endings.

How am I blocking my intuition?
Seven of Wands

There’s too much fight going on against the changes that needs to take place. Too much looking at that change as an opponent to fight against instead of something healthy that needs to take place. This resistance is creating a block.

How can I resolve this conflict and free my intuition from its bonds?
Seven of Wands and Two of Cups

Stop being so stubborn and allow others that have your best interest at heart to join in your journey and help you.  Stop struggling and fighting so damned hard.

DECK USED:  LUNA SOL TAROT 2ND EDITION

#DiscordTarotolicsJun2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic: About loneliness…
Question: What fears do I have surrounding the theme of loneliness? How can alleviate these fears?

David's TarotFears: That people will see something in me, that causes them to reject me. Even though I present myself honestly and openly to everyone, for some reason this fear remains. Even while not hiding anything, that fear is always there. That they’ll see some ugly truth in me that will turn them away.

This is the fear that took root during the “pissant” event, and like a pervasive weed, I’ve been unable to dig it out since then.

Alleviation: To alleviate these fears, I need to accept that I’m not for everyone… Just as not everyone is for me. Trying to please everyone is a nightmare, and an anxiety trap that I don’t want to fall into.

DECK USED:  DAVID’S TAROT

TheSphinxRevolution’sGothic Seance Divination Prompt
Today’s Muse: Emily Bronte
(Note: I’m using the writers in this challenge as a muse instead of as a mediumship/seance practice. So the questions are about me instead of about them.)

Inner Compass Kids CardsWhat kind of figure or personality you will never idolize? Why?

Mirror atop Funny Pants – The class clown. I just don’t have the ability to see myself in that way. I have a sense of humor, but I find myself far too serious for such behavior. Sometimes when I see other people act that way it seems so natural, cool, and easy… but when I look in the mirror at myself and try to imagine behaving that way?  It just looks childish and idiotic.

How does the theme of “abuse” play in your life?

Hero atop Leader – Abuse comes from authority, and only I can save myself from it. It is my issues with authority due to the abuses of my past that have caused me to become so diligent in my adulthood in not just being fair… but being independent.  I have gone to great lengths to create that independence, and demand it being respected by those I work for as well as others in my life.

What aspects of shadow work you need mastery on?

Home – I need to work on mastering allowing myself more freedom in the places that I feel safe. Relaxing and fully letting down my guard isn’t easy when there’s other people around, even though those around such as my sister and Z should allow me to feel completely safe.  It’s just… not the same as full on alone time.  This is something I need to work on.

What guidance Emily Brontë would give you on your spiritual journey.

Unlucky Duck – It’s okay to fuck up once in a while, and you don’t have to be hard on yourself about it when it happens. Learn from the experience and move on to the next.

DECK USED:  INNER COMPASS KIDS CARDS

Daily Self Kindness

I had a full evening of Gideon focused time and attention.

Ever Expanding

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I ended up napping through it.  Not intentionally, but that’s what happened.  I still haven’t figured out how I go from on my back with my legs up the wall to sprawled out and comfortable to sleep.

Botanica Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is the Queen of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of a receptive alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s thoughts, intellect, education, instinct, and communication.   This is the energy of support and sharing through knowledge, experience, and advice.  It is where ideas are fostered and encouraged.

In this deck, on the Queen of Swords is depicted the Red Oleander (Nerium oleander) which is an extremely poisonous plant that is both ornamentally beautiful, but extremely dangerous. The use of this plant in the Queen of Swords speaks of the duality in nature of this card’s energy.  For, not only can the energy behind the Queen of Swords be strong and supportive, but that energy can also be cold, harsh, and unforgiving.

The Flower Fortunes card for today says “Don’t limit your challenges, challenge your limits,” and this theme fits well with the Queen of Swords with its Red Oleander companion. The message is one of tough love, and speaks of the need to push yourself beyond what you believe to be your limits.  Sometimes, that sucks.  That push can be painful or frustrating, uncomfortable or a huge struggle.  But, if we don’t test ourselves and push for more from ourselves, then we can never truly know just what potential we have within us that is yet to be fulfilled.

DECK USED:  BOTANICA TAROT AND FLOWER FORTUNE CARDS

CoffeexTarot’s Self Love For The Summer Prompt
Question: How can I best give myself love this summer?

She Whispers Her Truth Oracle Reading Summary: Self-care is extremely important, and this summer it needs to take priority over the business and earthly pursuits of money and gain (Self atop Intellect). This includes the meditation you’ve been avoiding (Hold), and making sure that you take the time off that you need (Acceptance).

Observation: All of the cards pulled in this reading are of the air and water variety.  This speaks of the theme being one combined between intellect, communication, and the emotions.

Take Away:  So much of the year is filled with stress, strain, and the needs of the business.  You push yourself beyond limits during the late fall and winter months, you spend the time following that in a pattern of recovery and anxiety, often resulting in months spent in an MDE that steals away the spring.  This time… the summer time, is where you need to focus on yourself.

Care for your needs.  Meditation is one of those needs.  Although it feels like it does very little, the fact that even your heart rate’s average bpm drops significantly when you are meditating regularly makes it clear that it’s doing more than you’re aware of.  Take time off, do your meditation, and enjoy the self care activities while you can.  All too soon it will be autumn again and you’ll have to force your needs aside for the business once more.

DECK USED:  SHE WHISPERS HER TRUTH ORACLE

#DiscordTarotolicsJun2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic: About friendship…
Question: How can I better hear my intuition and trust my judgment when it comes to making friends?

Botanica TarotIntuition – The Star (Jasmin) and Knight of Swords (Venus Fly Trap) – It’s okay to still have a hope in humanity and the goodness of people. It’s okay to be enthusiastic about wanting to have friends to share your ideas with, just don’t get it so enthusiastic that you become impulsive. When you’re in a hurry you make mistakes. So take your time.

Judgement – Seven of Wands (Datura) and Eight of Swords (Ice Plant) – Make sure that you’re looking outside yourself. For this particular endeavor don’t just trust what’s inside, because that hopeful nature that wants so badly to see good in everyone can blind you sometimes. Listen to others, pay attention to what they’re saying, and how they react to the people that you are trying to befriend. See if these reactions line up with your own perceptions.

DECK USED:  BOTANICA TAROT

TheSphinxRevolution’sGothic Seance Divination Prompt
Today’s Muse: H.P. Lovecraft
(Note: I’m using the writers in this challenge as a muse instead of as a mediumship/seance practice. So the questions are about me instead of about them.)

Meet the Self Oracle

What ambitions are dying inside of me? Why?
Fixe tes objectifs. Mets en lumière. / Transmutation Transcendance

The ambition that is dying inside of me at this time is that drive to do every little thing I’m inspired to do. At one time, every inspiration I had was explored with enthusiasm or set aside with only the intention that I will pick it up and explore it soon.  What I’ve come to realize, though, is that just because it’s a good idea doesn’t mean I have to dive into it. It’s okay to let some of them go and instead focus on only a few. This shift appears to be happening because as I grow, I’m becoming more centered.

What aspect of my life do I keep separate from others?
Crée, tu es le monde

My inner voice. My magical workings.

Although I guide others and how to hear their intuition and follow it more closely, and although I share with the world my talents… I don’t always share what is going on “behind the curtain”. Although I teach people about magic and witchcraft, and I am willing to share my knowledge in these areas, neither do I share with them my own personal spells or the details of what I am doing in my own life. The reason for this is because it opens these things up to being tampered with by others.  Thus, I protect my creative spark (both interior and exterior) through holding these things apart and protected.

In what ways do I feel a lack of influence in my life?
Confiance Courage

I feel like the majority of my confidence and courage comes from within instead of from others. Although I know that people are there beside me and willing to stand at my back, I find that I shy away from leaning into that knowledge the majority of the time. This doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate it, or that it doesn’t give me a hint of pleasure to know that they are there.  It means that my path is my path, my moral compass is my moral compass, and I feel strong enough in these things to stand confident within them.

Guidance that HP Lovecraft might give me about my spiritual journey.
Un message, Sois a l’écoute / Prends le temps… Reflexion

Open up and listen more closely to your intuition and your guides. Get back into your meditation practice, as it was a help you in listening to both more closely.

DECK USED:  MEET THE SELF ORACLE

Daily Self Kindness

CHOCOLATE CAKE!!  And sexy time with Gideon.  I mean, with those two things as a part of my day, I think I’ve hit my self-kindness limit.  (j/k)

Expertise Takes Time

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Today’s meditation was skipped because it’s an orders day, although I really feel like I could have used it. I’ve been a bit out of sorts all day long.

Hexen 2.0 Tarot and Flower Fortune CardsToday’s draw is the Eight of Pentacles, which is about learning a trade, building upon a skill, or developing an expertise.  It is about hard work and longevity combining to create a refined skill set, and can also indicate a mindset of perfectionism.

The representation here on the card with its theme based around the Setun, and highlighting both the computer scientist Nikolay Brusentsov as well as the mathematician Sergei Sobolev, is a clear demonstration of the type of expertise that can be gained through hard work and patience.

Combined with the Flower Fortune card for today, which states “patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet”, what I see here is about the length of time that it can take to perfect a skill or, for that matter, what the outcome of those skills may be.

The message in these cards pulled for today is that sometimes it can be extremely difficult to be patient, especially with ourselves. In this day and age of immediate gratification, the idea that something we want to accomplish taking ten years, twenty years, thirty years…. it can be almost unimaginable to some.  And yet, that is how expertise is developed. Not in the sprint, but in the long cross-country run.

DECK USED:  HEXEN 2.0 TAROT AND FLOWER FORTUNE CARDS

TheSphinxRevolution’s Gothic Seance Divination Prompt
Today’s Muse: Bram Stoker
(Note: I’m using the writers in this challenge as a muse instead of as a mediumship/seance practice. So the questions are about me instead of about them.)

Mykologia: Fungi Themed Oracle How do you see yourself in the spectrum of saint or sinner?

Artist’s Conk (Ganoderma applanatum) – I am neither, and I am both.  I have my own personal moral compass and ethics.  Sometimes theses align with society’s majority… and sometimes they don’t. This allows me a versatility that many in a more rigid stance don’t really have an opportunity to experience, allowing me to explore and expand, use my imagination, and see what comes up. For it isn’t societal expectations that dictate what I can and cannot do, but that inner compass within myself that tells me what is right and wrong for me.

What kind of negative emotions are you feeding on? How do they frighten you?

Veiled Lady (Phallus Indusiatus) – I have been struggling a bit lately with what I see in the mirror.  I know the scars are a badge of strength and survival. I know that the damage is uglier in my mind than it is truth. I thought I had gotten over the whole “loss of a pretty face” aspect, and I think that for the most part I have.  But sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the scar on my cheek and on my throat and… I feel ugly.  So fucking ugly.  I’m not even sure why this bothers me, as I’ve adjusted to the looks and to the changes in interacting with others that losing that beauty wrought.  I’m not even sure it’s about how others see the scars… but about how I sometimes see them.  I know that they are not some hideous disfigurement, but sometimes they feel that way.

What is laying deep down inside you that you are afraid to unleash?

Giant Puffball (Calvatia gigantea) – It’s funny that “boldness” specifically came up for this question.  When I look at myself, I think… I’m pretty bold.  I’m open, I’m expressive.  I’m “out there” in my preferences.   But then I look around at others and see those that seem so free and filled with vigor for life, like splashes of color on the canvas of life.   And I think… am I a shadow of who I could be? Am I repressed?  Or is it just my nature to be more reserved?  There’s no “boldness” bursting at the seams to come out, but sometimes I wonder what adding a bit more to my life would look like.

Guidance that Bram Stoker would offer you on your spiritual journey?

Bleeding Tooth (Hydnellum peckii) atop Fly Agaric (Amanita muscaria) – Pain is gasoline on the fire of life and growth.  When you bleed, whether physically or emotionally, you are giving of yourself to the man you are to become. Don’t be shy about allowing your wounds to bleed and breathe, for they are a part of what makes you who you are and who you will grow into both in this life and those that follow.

DECK USED:  MYKOLOGIA: FUNGI THEMED ORACLE

#DiscordTarotolicsJun2021 Prompt w/ #ConnectWithYourDeck Question
Topic: About life…
Question: What is my biggest challenge in this lifetime?

Hexen 2.0 TarotReading Summary: Extracting the good from my past (Six of Chalices), while learning to turn away from the rest (Four of Chalices), learning to move forward and do better than what was done to me a little at a time (Knave of Pentacles).

Take Away: It is extremely hard to turn away from the things that my father and family said to me, and the way that they treated me, during my youth. Although I was very steadfast in what I knew to be right (and right for me), there were lasting repercussions of that long standing string of abuses. 

As I work to move forward with my life and make of it something I am happy with and am proud of, the challenge in this endeavor is in leaving behind the bad and taking the good forward with me on my journey.

DECK USED:  HEXEN 2.0 TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I just had a chocolate muffin with chocolate chips and chocolate sauce.