#RadicalLoveChallenge

It’s In Your Head

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Today’s meditation was skipped again.  I know that I should be doing my meditation because I’m having a bit of an issue with my anxiety, and yet the anxiety seems to make it so that it’s nearly impossible for me to even consider doing the meditation.   I need to buckle down and just do it.

Nano Starseeds Tarot - Nine of SwordsToday’s draw is the Nine of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of themes that have to do with nightmares, anxiety, stress, and insomnia.

What stands out to me in this card’s imagery today is that I have absolutely NO idea what the pop culture references are in this card.  I know the figure and the dog are dressed up as something, but I’m completely lost on the reference.

It’s in that cluelessness that the message lies, because like with most anxiety and stress, my current issues with anxiety reside in the unknown.  Something is coming, I know it’s coming.  I can feel that it’s coming…. but I don’t know what.  I have clues and ideas what it may be, but no specifics.

The reminder in the Nine of Swords is that anxiety is a part of the mind. It’s not some weird physical ailment inflicted upon you out of nowhere, but rather is a physical manifestation of what is going on in your brain, whether it’s in the conscious mind or the subconscious one.   I need to do what I can to calm my mind, and my nerves and anxiety will then follow.   In other words… the message in today’s card is to get off my ass and start doing my daily meditation again.

DECK USED:  NANO STARSEEDS TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can I continue to learn from my life’s struggles?

Broken Mirror Tarot 4th Edition

Reading Summary:  It’s important to evaluate what it is you value most (Nine of Coins) instead of trying to defend everything you do and don’t value as a whole (Nine of Wands), because you can’t take it all with you (Six of Swords).

Take Away:  One of the purposes of my struggles in life is to learn that you “can’t take it all with you” and so you need to choose those things that are most important to you to defend and protect.  Without this sense of discernment, it’s too easy to become overwhelmed crack under the weight of too much responsibility.

DECK USED:  BROKEN MIRROR TAROT 4TH EDITION

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  How can I better handle and/or respond to criticism?

Nano Starseeds TarotHow can I better handle criticism?

Six of Wands and Ten of Swords – Remember that although we all want to feel as if we are appreciated and have our accomplishments lauded, criticism (both the constructive kind and not) can help us to find a better way of doing things than what we’re already doing.  It hurts… it can hurt a lot.  But, it also gives us an opportunity to learn and try again… and do better the next time around.

How can I better respond to criticism?

Strength Rx and Nine of Coins – Let it go and instead focus upon the good stuff in life.  Sometimes criticism hurts, even the constructive kind, and it’s important to be able to let that go and take value where you can get it then apply that to your own life to make your own “coins” shine even brighter.  At other times, useless criticism can be the most venomous of all, and you can use those good things involved to help you let go of the pain and focus on what really matters.

DECK USED:  NANO STARSEEDS TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I made the decision to change my trip to the post office from Friday to tomorrow to help confront that oncoming “bad news” I feel is coming and get it over with (or maybe… just maybe… manage to avoid it all together).

On the Path of Emotional Growth

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I laid down to do it… and dozed off.   So, yeah.  it just didn’t end up done.  Perhaps before bed.

The Destiny Deck - Page of CupsToday’s draw is the Page of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of the learning process embedded within the experience of creativity, the exploration of one’s emotions, and the possibilities that are born from curiosity.

Something I’ve found from working with this deck for a bit is that I don’t find it especially inspiring for intuitive reading.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful and I have clients that absolutely love it… it just doesn’t do much for me personally.

So… I will take the message from the card itself rather than anything that stands out to me in the imagery of the card.

Above all else? The Page of Cups resonates with me when I think of the emotional growth I’ve been going through over the past year.  The process of allowing my motions to breathe and exist, the learning of words to express them. and finding a way to be more open with others concerning my emotions… and open with myself about them.   This growth process has not been easy, but I look back and realize now that I’ve made progress… even as I have a long way further left to go.

DECK USED:  THE DESTINY DECK

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Invisible wounds
Question: What invisible wounds help in feeding my depression?

Tarot Skrytých Světů

Reading Summary: I deal with a lot of conflict (Seven of Wands) dealing with the contrast between how I was taught to deal with the world and my responsibilities (Page of Swords), and the new path I have been working to establish (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  I’ve spent a long ass time treating myself like crap and beating myself up both as I push myself to do too much and then berating myself for not doing even more. The wounds from my past that taught me this way of doing things are still there, even as I try to turn things around and do them differently now.  These wounds help feed my depression, although are surely not the only thing that does.

DECK USED:  TAROT SKRYTÝCH SVĚTŮ (SHADOWSCAPES TAROT CZECH EDITION)

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Draw or write something free form inspired by the card(s).

The Destiny DeckWhen walking along one’ s path
through the journey of life
we focus on the journey
and try to avoid strife.
But when it comes
we must rise to the challenge
and push back against those
that try to take vantage.
Through this process
we learn and grow
and the path we take
becomes our unique flow.

DECK USED:  THE DESTINY DECK

Daily Self Kindness

I allowed myself to let loose and drown today.  ❤️

It’s Okay To Look Back

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RecoveryToday’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was not a guided meditation.  I listened, instead, to the sound of snowflakes falling on my balcony while focusing upon the thoughts and feelings that were brought up by the image on the right.

This image came up in my IG feed and although it is normally targeted about sobriety (something I had to look up, because that is not how it struck me personally), what it spoke to me on was how openly I share my experiences with depression and subdrop.

It made me consider the reasons I am open about my mental health, and take time to really look at them. The thing is, by being open it does in fact create a form of vulnerability.  And I’m not particularly a fan of vulnerability.  And yet, even with that factor as a part of it… I’m still open about it.  I still openly share my experiences and educate others.   So… why?

The reason is simple in a way.  It’s because others can’t or won’t.  Because I know what it feels like to hide these things and pretend everything is fine. I know what it’s like to disappear from the world for weeks or months at a time to keep from subjecting others to my imbalances.   And I know how very, horribly, damagingly alone that all feels.  I want those that share similar experiences to know that they aren’t alone.  And, I want those that don’t have experiences with depression to learn and understand so that when others in their lives suffer, they can have a bit of understanding and sympathy for them.

Keeping mental health issues a secret helps no one.  It just keeps things a secret and keeps people uneducated.  It causes those with issues to seclude themselves, closing themselves off from the love and support that they need.

Victorian Romantic Tarot - Eight of CupsToday’s draw is the Eight of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of  the “fuck that, I’m leaving” sentiment.  It is filled with the need to withdraw due to feelings of disappointment or abandoning a project or situation due to feelings of discouragement.

The imagery in this card softens the meaning of the card for me as it is quite genteel in its presentation.  But, what really stands out to me in the imagery of this card today has less to do with the retreat and abandonment aspects… and everything to do with looking back.

This is because what stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today is the dog.  Although the dog follows his mistress, he pauses to look back. Whether this glance back is to assess what is being left behind, or to ascertain if anything follows them, is unclear.

Either way, the message here is that although there is a vast amount of romanticism (thank you cinema) in the idea of not looking back when you move on, realistically it’s not always the healthiest choice.   If you feel you need to look back in order to find closure?  It’s okay to do so.  If you feel that you need to look back to compare then to now and make sure you made the right choice?  That’s okay too.   It’s impossible to tell how far we have come without looking back to see where we are coming from, after all.

DECK USED:  VICTORIAN ROMANTIC TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Generosity
Question: How can I best be generous with myself without “dropping the ball” on my responsibilities?

Modern Love Tarot

Strength – You are strong enough to handle all of your responsibilities, including fulfilling your self-care responsibilities to yourself.

Queen of Cups atop Page of Cups – Remember that you don’t know everything when it comes to your own emotions, and that you’re still very deeply immersed within a learning phase.  It’s okay to not be able to find the words to say what you’re feeling, find words instead to express what it feels like and you will in time learn what that emotion is called as well as how to interact with and process it.

The Devil atop The Hanged Man – Take time between indulging in your addictions to ascertain the motivations behind what you’re doing, and if you really want to indulge in this moment or pass and wait for the next.   Yes, sometimes waiting bites you on the ass and you regret it for years (or longer) afterward, but that doesn’t mean you need to jump every time the urge strikes you.  It just means that that time, it wasn’t meant to be.

DECK USED:  MODERN LOVE TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Do Spread 2
Question: How can I better keep up on my self-care when I’m not “feeling it”?

Victorian Romantic TarotReading Summary: Sometimes slowing down (Eight of Wands Rx) to rest (Four of Swords) and be grateful (Nine of Cups) is enough.

Take Away: It’s important to not make self care start to feel like it’s a chore.  If you have to skip something now and then, then skip it.  It’s okay.   Just don’t make a habit out of it or not pick it back up again.

Times of depression, especially, are extenuating circumstances.  It’s natural to feel uninspired during these times.   As long as you aren’t bailing on taking care of yourself entirely and you’re making sure you are taking things slow and getting the rest you need… don’t beat yourself up over the rest.  Things will balance back out, and that includes the self care.

DECK USED:  VICTORIAN ROMANTIC TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I let myself get an extra half hour of sleep this morning because I really didn’t feel like getting up.  It was so good even if the dreams weren’t especially all that great.

Sometimes Support Helps

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I got home late and didn’t want to wait any longer than needed to get online and spend some time with Gideon.  I then ended up taking a nap while he went to town so I guess maybe I should’ve meditated before my nap, but I didn’t.

Modern Love Tarot - The ChariotToday’s draw is the Chariot card, which is traditionally a representation of willpower and movement forward driven by determination.

Not surprisingly, what stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of today’s card is the pup with the wheel apparatus.  Also posture of the woman walking the dogs and tilt of her head.

The message here is that sometimes to move forward we need a helping hand, no matter how determined we are.  Just as the dog is able to keep going by the grace of the wheels the pup wears.

The woman walks with pride and strength, and the tilt of her head and her posture remind me of my sister.  It’s a reminder that my sister is a part of my support system, and when I feel my drive or will faltering, she is someone I can turn to to alternately kick me in the ass, or help me find what I need to keep going.

DECK USED:  MODERN LOVE TAROT

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Resistance 
Question: What is the path forward to sharing my emotions more freely with others?

Romantic Tarot

Reading Summary: Judicious sharing is important (The Hanged Man). Take things slowly and do what you can a bit at a time (Page of Coins) so that you don’t end up paying for impulsive follies (Justice).

Take Away:  It is so ingrained within me to keep my emotions to myself and buried deep that sometimes it feels nearly impossible to express them clearly. It often feels like more than just restraint but an inner resistance that I have to fight against just to get out the words. That is, when I even have the words to get them out in a clear way.  The cards here indicate that the endeavor to be more open is not an unwise one, but is one in which a bit of care and precaution needs to be taken in order to ensure repercussions don’t come back to smack me in the face as a result of doing so.

DECK USED:  ROMANTIC TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  How can I best become more confident in the skill? (Built on yesterday’s prompt.)

Modern Love TarotReading Summary: Use that skill only when you need it (Four of Cups) and don’t hesitate (Knight of Pentacles Rx), your heart and intuition will lead the way (Ace of Cups).

Take Away: The skill in question is to make quick and decisive decisions on the fly when needed that turn out okay in the end and, in fact, often even end up benefiting me or my business.

The key to becoming more confident in this skill is in not overusing it.  When it’s needed, it will be there for you and is a part of my intuitive abilities.  Don’t worry about it and don’t depend on it when other tactics, such as preparation and planning, can accomplish things in a less stressful and/or reckless manner.

DECK USED:  MODERN LOVE TAROT

Daily Self Kindness

I allowed myself to have today off.  I did not work on orders, nor did I even respond to customers today.  Instead I set the business aside and allowed myself to have a day away from it all.  So far, I am not feeling guilty about it.

Open and Honest

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Today’s meditation was skipped because I ended up dozing off in the middle of it and taking a brief nap.  Although it was just a short nap, I was worried that if I tried again I’d end up taking yet another longer nap.  Granted, I did end up doing that later in the afternoon, but I also managed to get some stuff done today so I didn’t sleep the whole day away as I was worried that I would if I’d tried to meditate a second time.

Broken Mirror Tarot 4th EditionToday’s draw is the Empress card, which is traditionally a representation of the Divine Feminine’s qualities of strength and grounded, nurturing energy.  It’s about power, but also a connection to the earth and the nurturing energy of motherhood.

What stands out to me today in the imagery of this card is the heart on the Empress’ sleeve.  The energy of the Empress is both giving and forgiving, nurturing through warmth, support, and generosity.  The heart on her sleeve speaks eloquently of these qualities.

The message in today’s card is about embodying that openness in oneself, just as how the Empress wears her heart on her sleeve.  Don’t bottle up your emotions or hide them from others.  This hinders people from knowing the real you and holds you apart from those you might otherwise connect with.

Instead, try to stay open and honest about your emotions.  Allow them to show and to shine through… even the bad ones but especially those loving ones that will foster connection with others.

DECK USED:  BROKEN MIRROR TAROT 4TH EDITION

The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic:  Moments where I find myself

Elemental Power Tarot

The Hermit – In the woods. Society out of sight and out of mind. Just me and the trees.  I find myself within this alone time, by connecting with nature and with my need for nature. Healthy alone time in the embrace of the forests is my most favorite type of alone time, and helps me find the steady, grounding energy I need in order to survive and thrive in the busy world we all deal with on the day to day. My time alone in the woods is a time of centering and grounding, of drawing in the earth’s energy and blending it with my own to find the quiet core whisper of the self that can sometimes become muffled in the chaos.

Queen of Coins – When I consult with my mentor for a better path and she helps me find the rooted steps I need. Z has been mentoring my sister and I since we were nine years old.  She has always helped me in finding my way back to myself, and how to find what is my personal truth, when I am feeling lost or uncertain on my spiritual path. She has taught me over the years what it means to know thyself, and to know what is right for you, as well as how to stand up for what is right for you and claim it as yours rather than allowing others to distort it into what they think is right.

Ace of Coins – When I am creating new things. One of my greatest joys is taking an idea and tapping into my creative spark to manifest that idea into reality. I create new designs of jewelry and have new ideas for fresh and new designs all the time.  I have designed and created furniture, trinkets, graphics, artwork, and crafts.  I plant seeds and grow from those seeds flowers, vegetables, and crops. I write reams and reams of stories as imagination is put down into text and storylines. The manifestation power in the Ace of Coins is with me every day in one small way or another.

DECK USED:  ELEMENTAL POWER TAROT

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  What is a hidden talent I possess that needs encouragement?

Broken Mirror Tarot 4th EditionReading Summary:  I have the ability to move fast (Seven of Coins Rx) and take decisive action (Knight of Swords) when needed and have it turn out positive in the end (The Star).

Take Away: This is about adaptability and course correction.  It’s about how things have felt so uncertain in the world (and thus in my home business) over the past year and how I am able to make momentary decisions that turn out to “work out” in the end to keep things with the business moving in a positive and successful direction. I’ve felt a little bit of uncertainty lately because of the Canadian side of my business model (my Canadian half of the business is down here and living with my sister and I for almost a year now), and some restrictions and changes they’ve been saying they are going to put in to effect up there. It’s starting to sound like my house guest might be here for another year, that I might have some problems getting that part of my taxes done, etc.

The message here in these cards is to remember that I’m capable and adept at making quick decisions that allow things to keep moving.  I’m good at adapting.  I’ll find a way to make things work and keep things going no matter what, so stop allowing worries to take control and eat away at my confidence in myself.

DECK USED:  BROKEN MIRROR TAROT 4TH EDITION

Daily Self Kindness

I got all of my medical bills submitted to the insurance company today. I’ve been putting this off for months because it’s such a pain in the ass. Today I made sure I got all of the different receipts collected together and submitted.  23 of them in all. It’s a little thing, but it feels huge.

Reactionary Sensitivities

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IMG_9254Today’s meditation was just over twelve minutes long and was a guided meditation from the Calm app with added interval timer for my piriformis stretching.

The focus of today’s meditation was a loving kindness exercise that I, surprisingly, didn’t feel all that uncomfortable with. Usually?  I do, but for some reason, today it went really smoothly.

It is, in a nutshell, an exercise where you first do a body scan and build up loving kindness energy for yourself, then seek to direct that energy to someone you care about, and then someone you aren’t particularly fond of… and then expand it outward to encompass everyone and everything.

Tarocco Sopraffino Anima Antiqua - Nine of CupsToday’s draw is the Nine of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of emotional satiation and contentment. Like the Nine of Pentacles, this card is a bit about wallowing in one’s good fortune and getting in touch with their gratitude, although in this case it is an emotional good fortune instead of a physical one.

Okay so to be honest what really stands out to me today in this card is the fact there’s a little black spot on the bottom right of the card.  A SPOT!   I’m going to have to go through the deck and figure out what the fuck happened.  Maybe it’s just a bit of debris from my plant specimen box.
We’ll see.

And… yeah.   So here’s the message.  Don’t let the small stuff screw up what would otherwise be a perfectly good mood.

DECK USED:  TAROCCO SOPRAFFINO ANIMA ANTIQUA

LionHart’s Mercury Retrograde Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question:  How can I use this New Moon cycle to help me move forward?

Fournier's Tarot Cats by Ana Juan

 Reading Summary: Remember that you have the strength to get through this (Strength). Up and downs happen in life (Wheel of Fortune), but you are more than strong enough to weather the storm (Nine of Swords).

Just sayin’… but I love this deck.

Take Away: The new moon is all about new energy and the build of that energy over the next two weeks.  It is about having come to the end and starting over, the last full moon’s energy has wanned and is now gone, the energy for the next full moon now builds.

As I ride that energy forward over the next two weeks, these cards are reminding me that my Nine of Swords experience with my depression isn’t going to last forever.  Life has lots of ups and downs, and now I’m in a down, but I have the inner strength needed to tame the lion as I begin using the mounting energy to help me in beginning my climb towards the light.

DECK USED:  FOURNIER’S TAROT CATS BY ANA JUAN

#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question:  What do I need to focus on for self-care for this new moon?

Tarocco Sopraffino Anima AntiquaReading Summary: Focus upon finding a sense of pleasure and accomplishment (Nine of Cups) instead of looking to others to provide validation (Six of Wands Rx). You already have everything you need emotionally (Ten of Cups) so don’t sabotage yourself by pushing too hard right now (Five of Wands).

Take Away: I need to set aside that whole “working your ass off to succeed” mindset and instead spend some time focusing on what makes me happy and makes me feel good.

It’s hard to find those things right now when the depression has me feeling so vulnerable, but it’s better to focus on all the good that I have and the support they offer rather than looking for outside sources for validation that I can receive from those that already make up my emotional support system.

DECK USED: TAROCCO SOPRAFFINO ANIMA ANTIQUA

Daily Self Kindness

I listened to the current audio book that I’ve been enjoying during my packaging today.  This isn’t something I normally do as it slows me down a bit (same with if I listen to audio books while driving). But, I’ve been really enjoying this story so I went ahead and listened to it anyway.  Currently listening to:  The Whispering Room, which is Book 2 of Dean Koontz’s Jane Hawk Series