Emotions

Wrapping Things Up

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Today’s meditation was 13 minutes and 53 seconds, and it focused on dealing with sounds during one’s meditation.

As you know, my crossed wires due to synesthesia often turn sounds into other sensations. This actually made today’s meditation quite interesting, because in meditation how do you focusing on the sounds around you. Not to judge them, or figure out what they are, or any of that. But rather, just to experience them and accept them as a part of your environment.

I enjoyed the experience. Like putting my earphones in and listening to music, It is like going on a journey of the senses filled with rich scents, flavors, and sensations without taking a single step.

That said, I’m not sure that it was really the meditation focused that I needed today. I woke up with a bit of anxiety, as I have for the past three days now. It’s this tight knot under my diaphragm that I can’t quite breathe away. Granted the last two days of meditation hadn’t really helped it either, so I don’t think trying something different really hurts anything.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Swords, which represents culmination, end results, and consequences in the area of thoughts, logic, communication, and challenges.

This card feels like it arrived a little early, and yet perhaps that’s why it’s here. It commiserate with the fact that I’ve been through the ringer, and tells me that things are starting to wrap up. It tells me that it’s time to take a deep breath and let the dust settle.

Sometimes things can’t end until you look through them one more time to learn lessons you would otherwise leave behind. It feels like this card is telling me it’s time to end my negative and self depreciating thoughts, and look back at my depression with compassion and acceptance. It’s time to prepare for stepping forward and past it.

So, perhaps this card is right on time after all. I am at the cusp of that deep dark hole and climbing out into the light. I can smell the fresh air. I can feel the light on my face.

I’m almost there and it’s time to be kind to myself, stop my self-recriminations, and set my mind to getting things back on track.

Stop Hiding

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Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and three seconds, and focused on how to better except those things that we cannot change. Everything is temporary, especially with emotions. This includes depression.

Sometimes it’s too easy to judge emotions or events as good or bad. But sometimes it’s not about what’s in the moment, but how things flow over time and influence each other.

Perhaps my depression pulls me away from you and that feels bad… but perhaps also, in the long run, it brings us closer as well. You know me better because of it, and I trust you more because of it. So maybe we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover entirely.

Today I drew the Queen of Cups again, but I believe her message is different this time.

The Queen of Cups, as explained in a previous post, is a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person in the realm of emotions, creativity, or relationships.

I think she is telling me that I need to stop hesitating and worrying so much when it comes to my connection with you as I drag myself out of the black hole of my depression.

Depression is an ugly thing, and I really hate to show you my ugly sides. Or really, showing anyone my ugly sites. But especially you.

And so I hide. Not just because during the depression the outside world is overwhelming (thought it is), but also because I don’t want to subject you (or others) to the mess and the darkness.

The Queen of Cups is telling me that it’s time to stop hesitating to step out from that hiding place. I’m not sure if the hesitation is just about not showing you my ugly side, or a fear of rejection, or what it is exactly. But it is there.

She’s telling me that I don’t just need to be aware of that hesitation, but that I need to stop fostering it, stop hiding, and reach out to you. She is telling me to be strong and not let these fears and concerns hold me back from my connection with you.

Opening Up

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Today’s meditation was 10 minutes and 23 seconds and very fittingly focused on doing nothing.

Today’s card is the Queen of Cups. As yesterday indicated, the Queens represent a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person, whereas the Cups as a suit of emotions, relationships, and creativity.

I feel this card making an appearance today represents the rush and bustle that I have been going through recently. Or rather, the fact that I have been pushing away my emotions and my creativity in order to trudge on and get ahead.

She’s telling me it’s time to pause and take a breath. She is telling me to give myself space to let my emotions speak and let my creativity flow, rather than stifling everything just to keep moving forward.

Love is…

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5p9bvdk2

When there’s a big scare on your routine oncology check-ups, but then you find out (after more bloodwork) that your T markers are perfectly normal and you take a deep breath of relief not because you’re (probably) okay…….. but because you know HE is going to take a deep breath when he hears the news.

Today was good news.  Not totally in the clear, but good news all the same.  If the PETscan comes back good, then there’s no surgery, just a close and watchful eye for the time being.

I love you, Gideon.

Gideon’s Challenge

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Down

Broken Leaf

It is not the ache upon the solar plexus or sinking of the heart, but the silent creep of tiredness and, concealed within that tiredness shadow…. apathy.

The interest in food dissolves, as does the drive toward self care.   I focus on work so that I do not fall behind, but there is little joy, only process.  Mindless process where by I go through the motions that move me along one step at a time.

I try to push back, but there is nothing to push against, and nothing to push with.  It is all shadow and mirror, no substance and thus nothing to grasp or defeat.  After all, how do you wage war a shadow?

Gideon’s Challenge

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Hypocritical 

September Clouds

Twice, today.   It’s an uncomfortable feeling and… unwarranted?   I don’t know why I’d feel that way but I did.

Both times, it was at EC, while answering questions on the forum.   The first was the thread I answered where someone was asking for help and advice considering long distance relationships.  The second was in a thread where someone asked advice on starting a home business from a hobby.

I know my advice in both cases was good, and I am speaking from a place of experience as well in both instances.  And yet…. somehow I feel hypocritical anyway.

I tell myself that I have a thriving online business, and thus I am in an excellent position to give advice on such things.  Yet…. oddly I feel a fraud spouting hypocrisy.   Same goes for the long distance relationship advice.  We’ve been in a long distance relationship for 9 years.  It’s had its ups and downs like all relationships do.   So why do I feel as if I have no room to speak on the topic of long distance relationships?

I don’t understand why I feel this way… and yet it came up twice today.