Emotions

Calm Within the Storm

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was seventeen minutes and five seconds, and focused on confronting one’s feelings instead of running from them.

The method involves recognizing and naming your feeling of the moment, then “leaning in” to observe without thought or judgement (which I found quite difficult, actually).

Usually I wouldn’t have had that much to work with for this, but my immediate and uncomfortable fraction to today’s draw left me with plenty.

Today’s draw was the Four of Cups, and the card brought up a good amount of ugliness in my emotions today.   It did communicate a message, and bring up something that I really need to deal with, which is (I reluctantly admit) a good thing.

BUT, the point of the Daily Focus activity on this blog is to find a positive daily focus.   My reaction to the Four of Cups was too intense to find that positivity in it, so I’ve switched it up and am using an affirmation instead for today.

This quote by Sri Ravi Shankar is about meditation.  But, I believe it can be extended into daily life.   It’s important to remember that even when there is chaos, whether the chaos is internal or external, that a sliver of peace and calm can be found just by taking a moment and reaching for it.

After the draw today and my reaction to it, this is a good reminder for me that I need to reach for that peace and seek out that moment of serenity.  I need to take a breath, and let the stillness and quiet wash over me.

In the hours between my draw of the Four of Cups and my meditation, I’ve found a better, less anxiety ridden, place within myself by focusing on the quote. It seems to be just the guidance that I needed today.

Understanding and Support

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was eighteen minutes and sixteen seconds, and focused on awareness during meditation.

This meditation was a variation on using body scanning during meditation. It involves scanning your body from head to toe and then back up again very slowly as a form of focus during the meditation.

I did not doze! Although, my mind did wander quite a bit. Of course, as always, when I caught myself I would bring myself back to my breath and the body scan.

Today’s draw is the King of Cups for my daily focus. He is the representation of a strong alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of emotions, relationships, and creativity. The King of Cups is support and empathy, strength and understanding.

Lately I’ve found myself a little bit more impatient with people, and a little bit less understanding. A little bit less forgiving of their idiosyncrasies that bother me. I’ve let my fear of being hurt emotionally by others close me off from seeing their potential, their pain, and their needs.

I used to be far more open, and far less judging.

This card is a reminder that just because I may not always be comfortable with (or particularly like) a person doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of my attention or my support. It’s a reminder that it is okay to open up, socialize, be sincere, and help people… and that I shouldn’t let fear of being hurt hold me back from these things.

Incidentally, I’ve always associated the King of Cups with you. That open personality that you have which draws people in and makes them feel safe and comfortable. Even when you don’t always know what to say, you always seem to find the right thing. Your heart is so big, and yet strength and that alpha energy within you is ever present in each word and every action.

On My Feet

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and four seconds, and focused on using external cues as reminders to come back to center in your practice.

For the meditation, they used a chime. Each time the chime went off it was a reminder to bring your mind back to the breath and the relaxation of your body.

This actually worked really well for me. I realize that my mind wanders even more than I had thought it did. The audible cue helped me in catching myself in those thoughts and set them aside more quickly.

Today’s draw is the 13th card in the Major Arcana, the Death card. Although it can, this card rarely represents the death of a person or pet. Instead, it’s more common representation is that of change, as is the case for a number of cards in the tarot.

With the Death card, it’s about an organic change… the kind of change that comes on gradually and has now reached its end. Not only is it about that change specially, but also about the cleansing that accompanies such endings.

This card is telling me that my depression has come to an end. It’s been a long road and a hard climb to get out of that pit I’d fallen into… but I believe I’m there.

I feel this climb coming to an end is especially remarkable considering that I’ve been visiting at my mothers house for the past few days. The house is not usually conducive to positivity and healing where I am concerned.

And yet here I am. Standing outside the pit, with a little niggle of anxiety in my gut, but otherwise back on my feet. That hole in the ground that I fell into and the darkness that tangled me up is now behind me.

It’s time to move forward.

Sensory Overload

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

I think I’ve figured it out. Or at least perhaps a part of it.

Whenever I come here to visit my mother, I have a negative reaction to the time here. It’s not anything she says to me. After all, she has the same judgmental litany of complaints to share whether it’s in person or over the phone.

It’s not the memories of Dad, or the unpleasant memories of living in this house, either. Yes, they are all there, and yes, sometimes they affect me… but something in this house has in the last handful of years caused my visits here to turn even more negative than normal.

And… I think I figured it out.

It’s the noise.

It’s the constant incessant noise. The floors are wood, and since Dad died, Mother doesn’t require the removal of shoes in the house anymore. The living room has a high ceiling and a few years ago, she had all the carpet removed and wood flooring installed.

The TV is always on. Even when it’s not, every step, every movement, every voice, every SOUND is amplified and echoes. There’s no softness to absorb any of it, as much of the wall art and softer furnishings have been sold off or given away since Dad’s death.

It’s hollow and loud. Even when closed off in a different room, you can hear everything, just at a lower decibel.

It is a constant barrage on the senses… all of the senses, in my case. Or, well, four out of five at any rate.

It’s not just exhausting, or irritating, but feels like some insidious sort of violence, secret and subtle that works it’s way in and leaves you raw.

Out of Line

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

OK, before I do my meditation today, I need to get something off of my chest that’s been weighing on me all morning.

I was really out of line last night, and I am so sorry for it, and for hurting you.

Other than during the last year before coming back to me in full, you have always been the most selfless person I know when it comes to me. You always put me first, you always pay attention and watch closely, you always see so much more than I’m usually trying to show. You always push for what’s in my best interest.

To accuse you of trying to make something “all about you” was so grossly out of line. I don’t know why my temper flared like it did, but the words that came out of me… they were just wrong. On so many levels.

I’m so sorry. I hate that I said that to you. I hate that it will be there between us now and forever, no matter how much I wish I could take it back.

I love you.

Transcendence

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was twelve minutes and ten seconds, and focused on intruding thoughts during meditation and one’s reactions to them.

In this meditation you’re encouraged to notice the thoughts as they meander in and acknowledge them without reacting to them.

In my acknowledgment of my thoughts that wander into my brain while I’m in the middle of meditation, I notice that most of them are neutral daydream-type thoughts. Things like a mental image of the metal foot of a park bench resting against its concrete slab. Or a smiling face of someone I don’t recognize. They are nearly always visual in some way.

You are then encouraged to return your focus to the breath once you’ve acknowledged that the thought is there and set it aside.

Today’s meditation reminds me that this should be an accepted part of meditation. A part of the process. In the beginning, when I first started meditating, I used to get really frustrated with those thoughts that came in while I was trying to find my moment of peace. Sometimes, I still do. The subject of today’s meditation is a good reminder to look at these thoughts not as intrusions, but simply as a normal part of the experience.

Today’s draw is the Ten of Cups, which I find interesting because I’m drawing a lot of cups lately. Not just in my morning meditations, but also in my personal readings. This is fitting though, since I’m dealing with emotional issues and the suit of Cups is all about emotions, relationships, and creativity. The tenth card is a representation of endings, transcendence, or excess.

This card is telling me that I’m at the end, and that it’s time to rise above. It’s time to transcend back to the norm of every day life rather than clinging to the cloying tendrils of the depression.

I think sometimes I do that. Cling to the end as if somehow there is some sort of a surety there. A comfort there in the misery. Perhaps that is my self-destructive urges whispering in my ear? I’m not sure.

The Ten of Cups is telling me that I should not cling to those last subtle yet present vestiges, but instead let them go.

As is the nature of all endings, this card is also an indication that the promise of a new beginning is at hand just at the tips of my toes and waiting for my next step. I believe that with depression at my back that the new beginning is almost guaranteed to be brighter than where I am coming from.