The Hidden
A tangled thicket
of dark branches
which
rattle and scrape
with each slight
frozen breeze
yet deep within
sheltered and safe
lies a spark
of life
waiting for warmth
and a chance
to break out
and be free.
Author: Twist the Leaf
Full Moon in Virgo – February 2021
In a couple of days, it will be the full moon, and like all new moons and full moons, I did a spread aligned to the moon’s current themes as a part of my recognition of the moon’s cycle and influences upon us. Today’s spread is about the medicine within, and brought to you by Sharron Basanti of Seeds of Shakti.
1. What medicine does the Virgo Full Moon offer?
Ten of Swords – You are coming to the end of a harsh and harrowing journey. It hurts so bad, the pain you have sustained is great, but with the end of one journey comes the promise of something new beyond. Although you are not yet at the “something new” stage, the Virgo full moon offers you the tail end of that long and arduous path that you’ve been struggling down.
2. What area in my life needs more structure and organization?
Wheel of Fortune – No shit. *Clears his throat.* Right. So the reference here has to do with how one feels when the wheel is turning, yeah? Consider that you stand on a playground merry-go-round. If you stand at the edge of the ride, then as it spins you feel the centrifugal force so strongly that it is hard to hold on, let alone do anything other than hold on. By the same turn, as you move closer to the center of the ride, the pull to the outer edges is decreased. You can stand up straight and not hold on so tightly, etc. There is less pulling against you… and less chaos as a result.
What needs more structure and organization in my life is my perception of life as a whole. I need to move towards the center of the wheel… I need to center and ground and find that balance that can only be found by finding one’s center instead of being pulled wildly outward toward the edges.
3a. What lifestyle changes would my body benefit from?
Hanged Man – More time taking a pause. More personal time. More time settled within those quiet and still places that allow me to find myself and thus find perspective and peace. When things are feeling off center and chaotic, it is difficult to focus on your health and well being.
3b. What lifestyle changes would my mind benefit from?
King of Pentacles – Again we see a reference to being grounded and focusing upon one’s roots. The King of Pentacles indicates that I need to focus on the stability and security that I have spent a lifetime accruing. Allow it to provide reassurance and take strength and comfort from the fact that everything stable in my home life right now.
3c. What lifestyle changes would my heart benefit from?
The Empress – And a connection to the earth and grounding again is indicated here in the Empress, who provides a reminder that caring for yourself and others needs to be more important than more material pursuits. This card indicates that during this full moon, it’s important to keep my focus set upon my self care and the care of those around me. And here we again see an encouragement to get out in nature and benefit from mother nature’s influences on my own mind, energy, and emotions.
4. What project that has been on the back burner forever needs to be revisited and completed?
Seven of Wands – I often see this card as “fighting the good fight”, and to be honest… that effort along with everything else has had to be on the back burner lately while I dealt with my depression. I do not think that this is the kind of endeavor that can be completed, but I do think that as I stretch further towards the light at the end of my depressive episode, I will be able to re-engage in standing up for and defending those things I believe in.
5. Message from the Ancestors.
Page of Swords – Remember that this is a learning experience. Not just the depression, although that too is its own learning experience. But life. Life is a learning experience. it’s not a race or a battle, but rather one learning experience after another on a journey towards growth and becoming more (and better) than what we are today.
DECK USED: JONASA JAUS TAROT 5TH EDITION
Sharing the Journey
Today’s meditation was just over sixteen minutes long and was the second installment in the mantra course meditations through the Oak app. I combined this meditation with the interval timer for my piriformis stretches.
Like before, the focus of today’s meditation was about becoming comfortable using a mantra during one’s meditation practice and the practice started out with a vocalized mantra but within the first minute it was encouraged to go into a mental mantra. This made the class much easier for me to follow along. I felt like I had a slightly more difficult time focusing today, but I still found the meditation relaxing.
Today’s draw is the Queen of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of a receptive alpha energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s intellect, education, communication, and reason. The Swords are about the mind, and the Queen has all her experience to guide her, which she then uses to communicate with and guide others.
The Queen of Swords is experienced and although her sword is not raised in an offensive pose, her hands upon the hilt show that she is ready. Her upright position speaks of healthy intelligence, sharing, and support. Her experiences are a guide for herself and for others. And here is where the message lies.
I have mentioned this on my blog before, but here we see the theme come out in the cards themselves, a confirmation that I am on the right path in sharing my experience with others. Instead of hiding my depressive episodes from those around me as I have done for the majority of my life, I am being open about them this time around. I am allowing people to see what is going on with me, to observe the experience.
I don’t do this to gain attention or sympathy, nor to inflict my experience upon others (there’s a reason I hid it for so long, after all), but rather… to tell others that they are not alone. To allow people who may also be going through similar experiences to see that there are others out there… others going through something similar. Others that share their pain.
Depression is so often so very fucking lonely. You don’t want to “inflict” your low mood upon others so you withdraw into yourself. In that withdraw you are then even more lonely, and feel as if you are a burden on others, a burden on those you care most about. You feel alone… and this compounds upon the depression itself until you feel hopeless… and feel as if there will never be an end to this horrible feeling. That it is the reality… the only reality… and will stretch into the rest of one’s life.
I share so that those that share this horrible experience can see that they are not alone. And so that they can see it is not endless. It is not forever… but rather it is a journey to get through. Temporary. And that I’m here too. I want to tell everyone that is going through this… You are strong. You are resilient. You will get through this. It is temporary.
DECK USED: BYZANTINE TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS
The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Moments of healing
Question: How can I make sure I am not fighting against my healing progress?
Reading Summary: Stay open to learning new things (Page of Swords) and don’t over burden yourself (Ten of Wands) with too many plans for what comes next (Two of Wands).
Take Away: The reminder here is to avoid making plans for “after I’m back on my feet” and instead live in the moment. Take things as they come for the time being, and allow myself the time I need to learn and heal and get what I can from the process. Worry about the future later on when such pursuits won’t hinder or distract me from my current healing process.
DECK USED: MOONDUST TAROT
#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question: What is love?
Reading Summary: Celebration of family and home (Four of Staffs), respect for what those that came before can teach you (Patriarch), and generosity for those that have less than yourself (Six of Coins).
Take Away: Love is community. The cards here speak of community, of learning from each other, growing from each other, helping each other… and celebrating each other. It’s about the “each other”. It’s about connection and gratitude and appreciation. That is what love is.
I think that there are many, many different types of love. But I think that this answer rings true throughout all those different types. Appreciation, gratitude, and connection is what threads us all together and without that connection to someone (or something), what is there to care about? Or love?
DECK USED: BYZANTINE TAROT
I went to the woods today. I couldn’t hike because of the whole knife through the foot and using a crutch thing, but I drove out to one of the trail heads that allows ATV use, and asked one of the campers out there to take me up deeper into the mountain. Promise of payment if they came back for me in an hour made sure I got a ride back down to my car again. All in all it was a really nice visit, even if I couldn’t hike like I normall would have liked.
Gideon’s Challenge
Little Sounds
Comfortable
and warm
there comes the
drip drip drip
I hear you
I say
and rise to
go explore
to find the puddle
and the wet
and wonder…
what next?
And wouldn’t it be nice if that pitterpat of drip I heard was melt outside my window instead of the sink… once again leaking. Damnit.
Photo © ZenStatePhotography
Slow Progress Is Still Progress
Today’s meditation was just under seventeen minutes and was a guided meditation from the Oak app that was the first in a series of lessons about using mantra in meditation. I included the interval timer for my piriformis stretches as well.
I actually liked the lesson. I especially was appreciative of the fact that although it started out asking you to verbalize the mantra (something I’m unable to do due to my mutism), it moved quickly on to it being in the mind instead of passing through the lips. This makes my participation much easier and I found the meditation itself relaxing.
Today’s draw is the Page of Pentacles, which is traditionally a representation of a receptive omega energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s finances, resources, home life, health, or manifestations. This is the energy of a learner, student, or novice in these specific areas and includes an energy of openness and growth.
I love the sprigs of plants as a representation of growth and manifestation in this card’s imagery, and the cherry blossoms above as an indication of innocence and beginnings.
When combined with the Thera-Pets card for today, what I see here is a reminder that it’s okay to struggle and that we are our own worst critics. When doing something that makes us feel vulnerable or trying something new, it can often feel like we’re sucking ass at whatever that thing might be even when maybe we’re not doing bad at all, or are even doing extremely well. That “level of expectation” can often make us feel like we’re failing even when, in truth, we’re making great strides towards growth and learning.
I relate to this today in my personal climb out of the pit of depression I’ve been struggling with. I found bottom, I’ve begun my climb. But there are times when it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. The reminder in these cards encourages me that I need to keep trying, and keep climbing… because just because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere right at the moment doesn’t mean I’m not making progress.
DECK USED: BLACK LINE TAROT AND THERA-PETS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL CARDS
The Radical Love Tarot Challenge Prompt
Topic: Boundaries
Question: What boundaries have I been neglecting lately?
Reading Summary: Using a combination of gratitude (Ten of Coins) and family (Six of Cups) to help in keeping me grounded (Four of Coins) as I work through my personal challenges (Strength).
Take Away: The boundary that has been neglected is the boundary with myself. I need to stop my solitary “I’m strong enough” bullshit and allow others to help me. Especially during the major depressive episodes, I have a habit of trying to retreat into myself, not wanting to subject those I love to the “ugliness” of the depression. My family (both blood and chosen) has the ability, though, to help foster my feelings of gratitude and give me the extra oomph of grounding that I need right now. Neglecting the boundaries I’ve set for myself and allowing myself to retreat as I have does not help me in my recovery, but can instead hinder my progress.
DECK USED: THE UNCOMMON TAROT
#DiscordTarotolicsFeb2021 Challenge Prompt
Question: What is the best and worst thing about getting older?
What is the best thing about getting older?
Queen of Swords and Ace of Swords
Older and wiser means better new beginnings. I’ve always been pretty good at picking up new things. New ideas, new projects, new skills… there’s never been much that’s intimidating about all that for me. But I feel that with a lot of people? There is a great deal of intimidation in trying something new.
As we age, though, and try new things again and again, we gain confidence in ourselves and that feeling of “newness” and worry about how it will go seems to ease and become more manageable. It becomes less about “what if I fail?” and more about “how do I succeed?”.
What is the worst thing about getting older?
Three of Wands and Eight of Swords
Uncertainty about what’s ahead. This is something that I never understood when I was younger, perhaps because I had no fear of death when I was younger. But, as I age and I find more and more value in life, I have begun to understand this fear and uncertainty.
When younger and willing to let go so easily, there was no concern over the when or how, no worry over what would happen after or where I would go next once this life had come to an end. I have found, though, that as I have come to value this life more and more with age… I come to think about this uncertainty with a far less lackadaisical view.
DECK USED: BLACK LINE TAROT
You know, I often sit down at this end of the post and get stuck at this section. I can’t think of a single kindness that I did for myself today. I mean… okay so yeah. I took the day off. I haven’t opened up my shops even once today. That’s something, right?
Gideon’s Challenge
Snowfall
Each step
as silent
as a whisper
as the soft tufts
of delicate lace
land
with little pats
upon lashes
nose
and branches
revealing themselves
through haze
of white
one step at a time
