Prompt: The Christmas season is at an end, and after Christmas day, I’m sure we’re all ready for a bit of peace and quiet. For this prompt, I challenge you to draw (at least) three cards, and use them to write up the funniest (or worst) product review ever. Then share your cards as well as the product review that inspired them!
[ The Hierophant ]
When I purchased your product, I was under the impression that it would be a sweet treat that would lift my spirits and be something I could enjoy on the road. I do a great deal of driving in my work, and it’s difficult to find snacks that can be left in the car year round without spoiling.
While I cannot deny that these candies are quite delicious, I believe you may wish to remove them from the market and I am asking for a refund as well as payment for damages. Let me explain…
[ King of Pentacles ]
I started my day at 7am, with a route that would take me through rural areas before heading over the mountain pass about midday. I had my first candy around 10am, and another a few minutes later.
At this time, I was thrilled with my purchase, and considered when I might have the opportunity to order more.
On the way up the pass, I ate a couple more. They really are quite delicious. Just the right amount of sweetness. At lunch time, I pulled into a rest stop to eat, and after, I had another candy.
[ The Chariot ]
It was soon after this that things took a turn. I started to feel a horrible cramping sensation in my gut. As you might imagine, a snowy mountain pass is not a convenient place to need to use the facilities.
Quickly, this cramping then turned into a rumbling, and it soon became apparent I was not going to make it back to civilization unsoiled if I did not pull over!
I pulled over and got out, and hid in the ditch behind my truck to put myself out of my misery.
I then proceeded to have the most explosive evacuation in my life. This lasted for so long that I was quite certain I would pass out and die of exposure.
[ The Emperor ]
When it was over, I stood up only to find a cop had pulled in behind me and had watched the entire thing. I was issued a $980 ticket fir public exposure and malicious mischief. Absolutely the most expensive shit I’ve ever taken.
From there, things only went down hill, and I am not referring to the road.
I sincerely feel that the Ex-Lax Candy Company should take full responsibility for this entire mess including the replacement of clothing worn that day and reupholstering of my truck seat. Please see the enclosed documents for remittances.