Stability

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and ten seconds long, and focused on self-soothing. That is to say, finding methods to self-soothe that work for you personally during times of stress and discomfort.

It covered a number of methods in mindfulness and meditation including breathing exercises, counting exercises, visualization, etc.

These are all methods that I’ve tried before, and most of them work for me on some level as long as I’m not overly worked up and toppling into the area of a snickers attack.

Today’s draw is the fourth card of the Major Arcana, the Emperor, which like all of the Major Arcana cards deals with “the big picture” rather than any one aspect of the human experience.

The Emperor card is a representation of authoritative energy, control, and structure. Its appearance today is a reiteration of what you have been saying over the past few days while I ride out the disorientation of my family’s new behavior.

That is to say, keep myself seated in a place of stability and strength. Enjoy the reprieve, but don’t allow it lull me into a place of vulnerability.

Rest and Recovery

Today’s meditation…. turned into a nap.  It wasn’t intentional, but that’s how it went.  It was just a really stressful and very long day, and once I managed to stay still and quiet my mind, the sandman cracked me on the head and sent me to sleep.

Today’s draw was the Ten of Zephyrs, which is a representation of endings, restoration, and resurrection (among other more negative connotations) in the areas of intellect, the mind, logic, education, and instinct.  Some of the more negative meanings include resisting closure, painful endings, deep wounds, and betrayal.  The other side of this coin, though, is that it is also a card of recovery, healing from said wounds, and moving on.

What I saw (and see) in this card today is not a predator looking over prey, but rather that the vulture is watching over the birdboy as the boy rests and recovers from whatever has washed him out so egregiously.   It reminds me of you, and of our current situation as you watch over me and care for me while I not just recover from the drop, but work at bolstering myself for the trip coming up at the end of the month.

I know you are there.  I know you are watching.   You make me feel safe enough to let my guard down and work on myself, even with that keen gaze upon me the whole time.  For you?  Vulnerability is okay.

I love you.

Deck Used: Stolen Child Tarot

Revisiting Fear and Indecision

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I wanted to revisit the topic of fear after my post from yesterday and the topic of the meditation that I did yesterday.

Yesterday’s meditation was about indecision, which I definitely do not have a problem with in any way, shape, or form.   But I feel like my post made it sound as if I don’t have fear, which is definitely not the case.

I do, absolutely, have fear.

I fear losing my home to the point where I obsess over work and push myself beyond my limits at times in how much work I should take on. (Thank goodness that I’m also someone that likes their creature comforts, or that fear might rule my entire life.)

I often have issues around fear when it comes to some of my scars (particularly the one on my face) and how people react (or may react) to them, which has gotten better over time as I am no longer trying to seclude myself into my home… but I know I still have a long way to go on this.

I fear my ex and the day he will be released from prison.   I fear my ex, as well, in his conniving “other” ways of trying to reach me even while he IS in prison.

I’m goddamned well -terrified- of spiders, even though my logical mind tells me I shouldn’t be.  You can add piranhas to that list, too, ever since as a kid I saw that first original Piranha movie.

The point is, I do have fears, and I didn’t want my post from yesterday coming off as some kind of bravado or something.  It’s just that fears do not inspire indecision for me.

For me, indecision doesn’t come from fear.  It appears when I am feeling extremely vulnerable, which can put me in a place of “I dunno, you choose”, and it appears when I have not managed to gather enough information or had the chance yet to think something through.