tarot self care

Guilt, Blame, and Letting Go

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IMG_5964Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was one of my guided meditations with an interval timer to space out my piriformis stretching.   The topic of today’s guided meditation was about the reflection of one’s behavior back on yourself through interaction with others.  If you approach someone in anger, it makes sense that you will get anger back.  But what people don’t realize is that more subtle effects are also just as possible.

The meditation told the story of a research team wanting to research monkeys, but each time they tried to get close the monkeys repelled them.  Then a researcher went in alone without guns as protection, and the monkeys welcomed him.   The monkeys didn’t know what guns are, but because the team was going in wary and on guard, prepared to commit violence, the monkeys could sense this and wouldn’t let them close.

People are often also like this. They pick up on non verbal cues that tell them someone is tense or irritated, anxious or defensive.  And they then react to those cues without even realizing they’re doing it.   By the same turn, they will also react to positive cues like happiness and warmth.  The meditation today encouraged the latter.

Tarot of the SidheToday’s draw is the Dreamer Three (Three of Swords) which is traditionally about heartache and feelings of loss including (but far from restricted to) grief.

The Fae in this story has no heart.  It is being torn to shreds by the black birds, shared among them as she stands wide open with a hole in her chest, weeping bloody tears.  Trees wilt and falter on the landscape of her skirt as dark clouds come to tangle in her hair.

The thing is, that this looks like it is permanent. It looks never ending.  But the sun behind the figure in this imagery indicates that there is still hope on the horizon and as it rises, it will beat back the dark clouds and overtake the shadows.

Will she ever be the same?  No.   But that can be said for every experience we have in life, not just the bad ones.  Each and every good and bad experience we have changes us. This is how we grow.

I’ve been so disappointed all damned day because my stomach has been a mess.  The cramps are killing me and it’s made me miss out on time with you that I really wanted… and needed.  And was so fucking looking forward to.  I’m sorry my stomach is being a bastard.  I’ve been eating my yogurt and I don’t think I ate anything today that was even close to going bad… I just don’t know what the hell its problem is.

I feel so bad about this, but I know that, like the Fae in this card’s image, we will make it through and continue to grow and thrive.  Together.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE SIDHE

#TarotForGrowthAugust Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to move past trauma.
Question: How can I approach myself with extra kindness and patience during the healing process?

Sacred Rose Tarot

Reading Summary: Pay attention to avoidance strategies (The Devil and Eight of Cups)… and focus on what is been accomplished and what’s good in your life (Nine of Pentacles).

Take Away:  I am so being called out with this reading.  *Chuckles*  Right, so I have a lot of different avoidance strategies to keep myself at a distance from my inner workings when things are feeling raw and I need to heal.  There’s my bad habits, my addictions, my defense mechanisms, multiple different types of distractions, and lets not forget just plain turning my back and willfully ignoring whatever is going on. I am one of those people who was raised to be able to sit and calmly eat or do pretty much anything with quiet calm… all while someone screams and berates you in your ear.  That detachment developed into  yet another mechanism of avoidance.

These cards indicate I need to watch out for these different methods of avoidance, and circumvent them through contemplation and acceptance of the good things in my life and an open acceptance, and even appreciation, of the things I have accomplished.

DECK USED:  SACRED ROSE TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsAug2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: How can I begin to release self blame from my heart?

Hilda TarotReading Summary: Live with what you’ve done (King of Pentacles). Allow your intuition to have a say in how much of the blame you should be taking in (The High Priestess). Don’t be so generous with others, as they played their part too (Six of Pentacles and Temperance).

Take Away:  I wouldn’t be where I am now without having done all those I’ve done along the way.  Some of those things aren’t things I’m proud of, but they need to be viewed with acceptance instead of consternation at this point, as they are in the past now and no longer need to be a burden upon my shoulders.

My instinctual… or perhaps habitual would be a better term… response to discord and conflict is to take the burden of wrongdoing upon myself.  More often than not?  I take far too much of that burden, and I need to learn how to judge more fairly just how much of it I should owl.  The High Priestess indicates I should be looking internally for that answer. I need to make sure it is I that chooses just how much of the burden I take on, and not anyone else.

When I blame myself for things that should be put upon other’s shoulders, I am being generous with them by taking so much of the burden on myself.  Instead, I need to practice a little more balance and moderation, because they deserve to shoulder their share.

DECK USED:  HILDA TAROT

Lionharts #TheAugustTarot #ElementalChallenge
Question:  Air, I seek your wisdom. What teachings do you offer me?

Gypsy Palace Tarot

Reading Summary: Allow your heart to take the lead now and then (King of Cups) in work matters (Eight of Pentacles) and you will find yourself moving into another level of growth (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  This is about enjoying my work instead of just working for work’s sake. The fact is that I know from personal experience that work does not feel like work if you’re doing it right, and in the right frame of mind.  It feels like a challenge, or like fun, or like a creative burst, or just like the pleasure of creation and joy of sharing with others.  This pleasure is something that I lost for a while in my work due to pushing myself too hard and the resulting repetitive burnouts that ensued. I am working on reclaiming that joy in my work again, and the guidance here is encouragement to continue upon that path.

DECK USED:  GYPSY PALACE TAROT

Exploration and Discovery

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Today’s meditation was skipped in sacrifice to the gods of work.  Essentially, I decided to put it off until bed time because I wanted to try and get my orders done a little earlier than normal.  You know…. so I don’t have to pull an all nighter, yeah?    So I did end up sacrificing a few things (like my meditation) in order to make that happen.

Next World Tarot - The SunToday’s draw is the Sun card, which is traditionally interpreted as a representation of joy and happiness and lighthearted fun.  It’s about successful endeavors and positivity.

No one specific aspect stood out to me in this card today other than the shining light in the sky that the girl in the picture reaches toward… and the fact that her shoelaces are untied (but tucked).

The laces actually bring back a memory.  For the first few months after I emancipated from my parent’s home, I wore my shoes like that.  Loose and untied with the laces tucked in out of the way.  I’d always wanted to wear my laces that way, but when you wear your shoes untied, there is a habit of scraping your heels on the ground (or you have to march in order to not do so).  My mother would not allow that, and thus it wasn’t until I was on my own that I tried it for myself.   Turns out?  The thunk of heels scraping with each step quickly got on my nerves as well.  Although this wasn’t the reason my mother objected?  It’s kind of funny that I ended up agreeing with her.

Hell of a digression, right?   But maybe it’s not that much of a digression at all.   For what I see in those shoelaces… and in the message of this card today, is that you have to try new things to know whether they’re for you or not.   Discovering the things that make you happy and create joy in your heart is a process of trial and error.

Never lose the curiosity that fosters the discovery of new joyous moments.

DECK USED:  NEXT WORLD TAROT

#TarotForGrowthAugust Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to move past trauma.
Question: How can I help prevent myself from comparing my healing journey to someone else’s?

Odd Hand Tarot

Reading Summary: Everyone has lessons to learn in life, and most people don’t learn by just being given the answers (The Hierophant).  Use your empathy (Queen of Cups) and communicate in an open and welcoming way instead of in a closed format (Page of Swords).

Take Away: The indication here is that in order to prevent myself from comparing my healing journey to someone else’s I need to remember that everyone’s path is different.  Everyone’s experiences are different.   Two people can, in fact, experience the exact same event… and process it entirely differently… this experience it entirely differently.  Listen to others with an empathetic ear and keep your eyes and ears open to how their experiences differ from my own.

DECK USED:  ODD HAND TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsAug2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: I Blame Myself For… / I Blame Others For…

Tarot of the Dream EnchantressI Blame Myself For – I blame myself for when my mind and thought processes become fuzzy and clouded (King of Swords Rx) which then results in me dropping the ball concerning my responsibilities and obligations (Two of Pentacles).

There are times when I seem to step into this “foggy” brain space that will last for a few days or even a couple of weeks.  It’s not depression, but rather just a lack of clarity and mental “crispness”.  During these times, I often end up making a lot of stupid mistakes and my time management skills become pretty dismal.  That in turn effects my juggling of all the different responsibilities on my plate.

I Blame Others For – Four of Cups and Wheel of Fortune (imagery based) – I blame others for my apathetic opinion of society. There is so much about the world that I accept with ease, but society is not really one of those things.

The reasons for this are many… and yet they all boil down to other people’s behavior… other people’s mentality… other people’s stupidity.  With every year that passes, I find myself less and less optimistic about humanity at a whole, and more disappointing in what I see in so many.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE DREAM ENCHANTRESS

Lionharts #TheAugustTarot #ElementalChallenge
Focus on your third eye and draw a card in answer to: Where am I asked to follow or listen to my intuition?

Luminous Void Tarot - Ten of DiscsTen of Discs – My dreams are very much based in the stability and security that is represented in the Ten of Discs.  It is, without fail, my greatest focus, and although I have over time adjusted what I consider to be the definition of that stability and security, and my view of how to achieve it… the concept of stability and security remains my focus.

The thing is, though, that following your dreams is about more than just logic and reason… no matter how comfortable it is to fall back on these things. Sometimes you have to follow your gut to know what to do, and to know what’s right. These things can’t always be reasoned out, but instead have to be felt.

DECK USED:  LUMINOUS VOID TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What do I need to forgive myself?

Big Things in Small Packages Tarot

Reading Summary: Getting fucked over (Seven of Wands) sucks and its easy to internalize these bad experiences (Nine of Swords) and allow the experience to become a heavy burden (Knight of Pentacles Rx).  How you deal with these things determines whether or not you and your life stays in balance (Two of Pentacles).

Take Away:  The times I have been hurt by others, and I have chosen to internalize that hurt instead of placing the blame where it belongs… on them.  I have a habit holding myself culpable, even though the blame isn’t mine to own.  I need to release this blame.  Let it go.

DECK USED:  BIG THINGS IN SMALL PACKAGES TAROT

Morning Bonus Read – Lessons

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The prompt for this reading came from one of my Discord servers and is as follows:
“This year has been rough for us all, we’re just past the mid point fast approaching autumn.”

General Admission Playing Cards by Kings Wild Project

What lessons have you learned so far?
Seven of Hearts, Queen of Hearts, Nine of Diamonds

Making choices using the heart isn’t as detrimental to that structure an stability I constantly crave that I thought it would be. I can’t say that it’s something I’d want to practice all the time, but it’s okay to choose to be kind to myself instead of pushing all the time. It’s okay to listen to what my heart says I need to instead of constantly directing all decisions through either the head or intuition…. allowing the heart to have a say will not be the end of the world.

How will it aid you in the coming months?
Ten of Hearts atop Nine of Spades, Ace of Hearts, King of Clubs

I will be able to use the emotional fulfillment that allowing my heart have a say provides to combat the hoard of anxiety waiting for me as the holiday rush approaches and then crests to crash over me. The new growth I’ve managed this year emotionally will help to reinforce my drive and determination during that time of heavy pressure and stress.

Take Away – I’ve been avoiding my emotions for the majority of my life, boxing them up, caging them away, and burying them deep. Not just bad emotions, but the majority of my emotions. This year I’ve learned that allowing emotions out to breathe isn’t going to cause everything I’ve worked for to fall down around me. I may not be able to always identify what I’m feeling, but I was wrong about the catastrophic destruction they would inflict upon my life. The cards in the second half of this reading indicate that the emotional growth I’ve experienced this year will result in making me stronger under pressure when it counts the most.

DECK USED: GENERAL ADMISSION PLAYING CARDS BY KINGS WILD PROJECT

No Crown Please

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IMG_5933Today’s meditation was eleven minutes long and was a combination of a guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretching.   After the advice of my Self Care Saturday reading this week, I was planning to incorporate some selenite and black tourmaline into my meditation, but I forgot.   I’ll do that tomorrow.

The topic of the guided meditation today was about allowing yourself to accept those things you don’t like about yourself, essentially accepting your shadow side, so that you can become a stronger and more completely whole person through the healing that that acceptance inspires.

Tarot of the Sidhe - The EmperorToday’s draw is the Emperor card, which is traditionally a representation of authority and leadership in the form of a “father” figure.  This is the father that rules with an iron fist, and yet always with the best interests of his family in his heart. Strong, and filled with determination, discipline, and control.

I don’t usually consider chaos a part of the Emperor card, but the imagery on this card very much strikes me as… chaotic. It reminds me of the representation of this card in the Japaritze Tarot, where the title of the card is “War” instead of “The Emperor”.

What I see here is chaos. And sacrifice. All for the greater good. And unlike chaos on its own, that is definitely something I feel is a part of the Emperor’s representation.

In this imagery, the flaming emperor’s robes slowly disintegrate into detritus on the earthen floor, creating the nutrients to grow fruit and other foods for the village in the distance. It’s true what they say that heavy is the head that wears the crown, for he burns with his responsibilities, and fulfills them by giving away pieces of himself and what is his.

The message here in this card today is to be grateful I am not the Emperor, and a reminder that that is not a position I want to be in. I put my all into the things that I hold dear and feel are my responsibilities, but I don’t want to give so much that it damages me in the process.

DECK USED:  TAROT OF THE SIDHE

#TarotForGrowthAugust Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to move past trauma.
Question: How might clinging to that expectation of the healing process hinder my healing?

Tabula Mundi In Minima

Reading Summary: There’s no rest involved (Four of Swords Rx), creating a lack of true progress (Ten of Cups), which then leaves me having to start over (Ace of Disks).

Take Away:  My expectation (which was outlined in yesterday’s reading) is to fast, which means I don’t get the rest I need to heal properly.  Healing requires rest, and without the healing you can’t move forward out of the recovery stage and into something better.  This means that when you rush healing from trauma, the healing ends up incomplete and you end up having to start over.

DECK USED:  TABULA MUNDI IN MINIMA TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsAug2020 Challenge Prompt
Topic: Do Spread #2
Question: Is my aunt moving out here from out east going to cause more problems between my mother and I?

Encore TarotReading Summary: Stand strong and stable (Four of Coins) in your place of power (Palace of Wands) and don’t allow her to take over (The Chariot).

Take Away:  The cards here indicate that in order to keep the peace, using my business as an excuse for lack of contact is the best strategy to make sure I’m able to keep my distance, regardless of the new proximity. So the answer here is that it is possible, but I have a good chance of circumventing a lot of the issues by using my responsibilities to the business to keep me from having to increase my exposure with the unpleasantness too many visits with my aunt and her toxicity.

DECK USED:  ENCORE TAROT

Lionharts #TheAugustTarot #ElementalChallenge
Question: How can I further strengthen my connection to the divine?

Tarot del Fuego

Reading Summary:  Make yourself comfortable (Four of Pentacles). Less harsh judgments (Judgement), more hope (The Star). Allow yourself to open up not just spiritually… but also physically (Ace of Pentacles).

Take Away:  This is about increasing my meditation practice, and making sure I stay on top of keeping my negative self narrative in check. By increasing the intent in my meditation and taking time to allow myself to not just do the meditation but really sink into it and get comfortable in it each time, I am opening myself up to divinity on a bigger and more significant level than the simple meditation that I regularly do each day.

By the same turn, my negative self talk is something that closes me off from both my inner self as well as from the divine.  So if I want to connect more strongly to the divine, it makes sense that I would need to foster more positive connections to both my spirituality and optimism, and let go of the negative self narrative that is one of my most self destructive habits.

DECK USED:  TAROT DEL FUEGO

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can I be kinder to myself and to others?

Alan Tarot

To Be Kinder to Myself
Two of Spades, Five of Spades

To be kinder to myself, I need to make a concentrated and conscious choice to move past what makes me so cruel to myself. These judgements and negative self talk are not mine but belong to a place in my past where I had no control and was other the boot of another. Defeat the echoes of his voice in my head, and take away the spoils (your gained wisdom).

To Be Kinder to Others
Knight of Spades, Page of Hearts

To be kinder to others, I need to remember to take my experiences with pain and carry them forward into a place of understanding and warmth when dealing with others.  I’ve been through a lot, and this allows me a place of not just sympathy, but also empathy, with a lot of situations others are dealing with. Instead of looking at these situations as “I made it through, so can you” a better aspect to look at is to try and remember how I felt in these situations in the moment, and conveying to them that I understand what they’re going through and it’ll be okay.

DECK USED:  ALAN TAROT

Self Care Saturday (On a Sunday)

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These Saturday readings are (not usually) bearing in on any one thing or event in my life, as the question used is asking for a more general outlook. This is a self care exercise, and is not meant as a predictive reading… although that, too, happens on occasion.

The question is… What do I need to focus for self-care through the week ahead?

Vivid Journey Tarot, White Light Oracle, Botanical Inspirations Oracle

Earth – Knight of Swords, The Moon, Garden Heliotrope – You may feel a bit directionless this week and uncertain in your path forward concerning hearth and home and that stability you crave. It’ll take some determination to move beyond those feelings of uncertainty. You’ll need to use that inner fire that lives inside you to push through these feelings and keep your eye on the prize.

Air – Six of Wands and Hibiscus –  Aesthetic is everything this week.  Not just what appeals to you, either, but what appeals to the masses. You make beautiful things with your hands every day.  Take some time this week to explore some of those “brilliant ideas” you’re always having, paying special attention to those that have extra aesthetic appeal.

Water – Knight of Cups and Violet –  Another message about ego and restraint, which is the second or third of these messages this week.  Take care to practice some modesty and restraint in how you feel about the results of your creative endeavors.  Getting too confident could end with you tripping over your  own feet.

Fire – The Devil and Hydrangea – You may feel yourself falling a bit more deeply into the trap of self soothing in unhealthy ways this week.  Instead of indulging and perpetuating the cycle, it would be helpful and healthy to step aside and examine what is triggering these impulses. Once you understand where they are coming from, you can then explore solutions.

Waning – Lasya of Parvati – Gentleness and grace are the tenants of Lasya of Parvati, and in this card you are being told that this week will not be as gentle or as graceful as you might like.  Although it won’t be the smoothest or easiest ride, it also won’t be the end of the world.   Just take a deep breath and keep moving.

Waxing – Solve Polluti 741Hz – Make this week a time of clearing out of negative energies and cleansing.  Sometimes harmful energies have a way of sneaking in to wreak havoc a little bit at a time.  A little extra meditation and adding in a cleansing ritual to the process this week would benefit you greatly.

This card also feels like it is looking at the Fire position in the spread (directionality within the imagery).  This indicates to me that the cleansing mentioned here will benefit me in this area of my addictions and bad habits used to self soothe.

Take Away –  Use your enthusiasm for the creative process and appreciation for appealing aesthetic to pull yourself past the feelings of uncertainty that well up this week.  Focus on the pleasure in the work and not the end result. As pleased as you are with your finished projects, the finish line is not the point of the work.   Make sure you are doing extra self cleansing this week…. perhaps add in a second salt and vinegar soak in the tub and a couple of energy cleansings during your meditation practice.

DECKS USED:  VIVID JOURNEY TAROT, WHITE LIGHT ORACLE, BOTANICAL INSPIRATIONS ORACLE

Confidence vs. Ego

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and a simple relaxing harp strings meditation with an intermittent timer just to keep me on track.  I did some basic piriformis stretching, but nothing particularly strenuous or difficult.  I just wanted a nice, peaceful meditation and that’s exactly what I got for once.

Next World Tarot - Knight of WandsToday’s draw is the Knight of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of an active, projective beta energy, personality, or person in the area of one’s enthusiasm and drive.

Interestingly, although I usually relate pretty strongly to the Knight of Wands, the imagery in this card just… doesn’t do it for me.   The barren ground… the smirking expression.  It’s just doesn’t speak of that drive that I usually associate with this card.

Instead, what I see here is ego. It’s that “Yeah baby, I’m so good my farts don’t stink… they fly like chocolate flavored eagles in a sky that wants to emulate my fashion sense.”

Cracks up… and there’s the message right? Watch your ego. Don’t get too cocky.  Confidence is great, but don’t let it go so far that it becomes a detriment  and blinds you to your own flaws and mistakes.

DECK USED:  NEXT WORLD TAROT

#TarotForGrowthAugust Challenge Prompt
Topic: I’m struggling to move past trauma.
Question: What do I think a healing journey “should” look like?

Anthro Tarot

Reading Summary: A well planned out direction (Two of Wands), leading to epiphany moments (Judgement), followed by better balance (Two of Pentacles).

Take Away:  Yes, I know that that vision of what a healing journey should look like is unrealistic.  Nothing is ever that simple.   But when I imagine what a “healing journey” should look like… that’s what my idea scenario feels like.  A plotted course that has a plan on where I intend to end up and how I’m going to get there, and moments of realization and epiphany along the way that assist in finding new perspectives and easing self judgements, followed by a healed self with better balance in the different areas of my life as a byproduct.   It’s a wonderful fantasy, yeah?

DECK USED:  ANTHRO TAROT

#DiscordTarotholicsAug2020 Challenge Prompt
Question: Remember / Forgive / Forget

Spark and Pen TarotRemember – Two of Wands and King of Pentacles
Remember what you’ve learned about planning turning into paying off. I’m not sure that this is a lesson I’m going to forget very soon, but there are times when I do forget… usually when my enthusiasm and excitement cause me to get carried away.  The message here in these cards though is that you need a direction to climb in in order to reach the top.

Forgive – Six of Cups and The Moon
Forgive yourself for the times in life when you’ve been uncertain and stop beating yourself up about them. In my youth, I made a number of bad choices and a there was a lot of trial and error in learning how to survive on my own and thrive. Sometimes I look back on those times and some of the things I’d done… and I feel a disappointment and negative judgement. The cards here are indicating that instead of holding onto these things, I need to let them go and forgive myself for them.

Forget – Page of Wands and Five of Cups
Forget the hardships that came with learning how to get where you are. Shit happened… There were doubts… That’s no reason to keep emotionally rehashing the past and those learning experiences. You learned the lessons and can retain them without the need to hold on to the emotional pleasantries and negative inner narrative that comes up when these hardships and all that happened during them are rehashed.

Take Away – Hold onto the lessons and let go of the blame and negative self judgement. Everyone learns some lessons in life the hard way, and that’s okay.  Plot  your course to success, and leave the past in the past where it belongs.

DECK USED:  SPARK AND PEN TAROT

Lionharts #TheAugustTarot #ElementalChallenge
Question: Where can the element of Air empower my psyche?

Magic Tarot

Reading Summary: Enthusiasm (Ace of Wands) and intuition (The High Priestess), flavored by a go get’em creative flow at its core (Knight of Cups).

Take Away:  The element of air empowers my psyche by giving me the tools to go after what inspires my creativity.  Those tools are a combination of enthusiasm and intuition.  As my creativity carries me forward and I dive into those things that stir up my creative juices, it’s those elements of enthusiasm and intuition that feed into and swirl through my creativity to allow manifestation and actual creation to take place.

DECK USED:  MAGIC TAROT

#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What memories bring me pain?

Monstarot

Reading Summary: Creativity and imagination (Page of Cups) drawing praise from others (Six of Wands), that ends up resulting in being alone (The Hermit).

Take Away:  There have been many times in my life where I’ve had my imagination and creativity flowing, while being encouraged and praised by those around me. That imagination and creativity seems to draw them in and their praise makes me feel like maybe there is a connection there between me and these people, and yet instead of sticking around when I need a little time to myself, they always end up disappearing for good and leaving me alone when I come back from my temporary retreats into myself.  This experience has made me feel used… which, of course, hurt.

This was an unexpected result of the reading of this question.  Not that it’s not true… it absolutely is.  It’s just not something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about or examining before.  A lot of the really thought provoking answers I’ve gotten lately have been about how I relate to others.  This reading adds into those previous readings, creating another angle of perspective for them.

DECK USED:  MONSTAROT