Relationships

Appreciating The Now

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes, and focused on fostering awareness within the present moment.

They titled this guided meditation as “awakening”, with the perspective that one awakes from their internal focus to the awareness of the world around them. This is a take on mindfulness that I had not heard of before and was interesting to incorporate into my meditation today.

Today’s draw is the Ten of Cups, which is a representation of completion, transcendence, and possible excess in the area of emotions, relationships, intuition, and creativity.

The Ten of Cups is all about emotional fulfillment and contentment, and its appearance today is a reminder to be aware of just how good Things are in my life right now.

I have so much…. a truly bountiful life. I have people that love me, a comfortable home, the opportunity in my life for creativity and self expression.

As is often the case, my focus is usually pushing towards the future, my goals, and what’s next. A visit from the Ten of Cups this morning is a reminder to pay attention to, and appreciate , all of the blessings currently in my life and to not focus solely on what lies ahead.

Warm Fuzzies and Tears of Gratitude

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, And focused on one sense of space.

This is something that’s very familiar to me, and I have always excelled at. Essentially the guided meditation walks you through first sensing your personal space around you (that bubble of space around you) and then expanding your awareness of space outward to the room at large, and then beyond that to the earth and sky and surroundings.

It’s not about what’s going on in that space that’s the focus, but rather sensing that the space is there and being aware of it. Sinking into it, so to speak.

Today’s draw is the Nine of Cups… again. The suit of cups is the water suit, which deals with the emotions, relationships, and creativity. The ninth position in this suit represents fruition, contentment, gratitude, and sometimes the consequences that come with the end of a journey.

I believe that this is a direct reflection of yesterday. This card is a reminder to look back on yesterday and remember that it can happen again (because yesterday was a really good day).

I really enjoyed our time together, and like the day that I took to reconnect with my spirituality and do some creativity, yesterday put a balm on the ragged edges of my heart left raw by the depression.

I also want to say, and this ties into the contentment part of the Nine if Cups as well, that it feels really good to have you be a part of and accept this piece of me and my life. The fact that you are now a part of my spirituality in some small way has created an interesting sense of fulfillment to it. As if throughout these 11 years we’ve been together I’ve kept something apart from you, but now that part of my life is a little bit fuller and warmer with you involved.

(And… I’ve gotten a bit weepy in writing this for some reason.)

I didn’t expect this when I decided to include you in this journaling activity. I didn’t expect it when I change this activity from a daily affirmation to a daily draw. And yet it feels so good to have you now tied in to this part of my life.

Thank you.

Stop Hiding

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Today’s meditation was fourteen minutes and three seconds, and focused on how to better except those things that we cannot change. Everything is temporary, especially with emotions. This includes depression.

Sometimes it’s too easy to judge emotions or events as good or bad. But sometimes it’s not about what’s in the moment, but how things flow over time and influence each other.

Perhaps my depression pulls me away from you and that feels bad… but perhaps also, in the long run, it brings us closer as well. You know me better because of it, and I trust you more because of it. So maybe we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover entirely.

Today I drew the Queen of Cups again, but I believe her message is different this time.

The Queen of Cups, as explained in a previous post, is a feminine alpha energy, personality, or person in the realm of emotions, creativity, or relationships.

I think she is telling me that I need to stop hesitating and worrying so much when it comes to my connection with you as I drag myself out of the black hole of my depression.

Depression is an ugly thing, and I really hate to show you my ugly sides. Or really, showing anyone my ugly sites. But especially you.

And so I hide. Not just because during the depression the outside world is overwhelming (thought it is), but also because I don’t want to subject you (or others) to the mess and the darkness.

The Queen of Cups is telling me that it’s time to stop hesitating to step out from that hiding place. I’m not sure if the hesitation is just about not showing you my ugly side, or a fear of rejection, or what it is exactly. But it is there.

She’s telling me that I don’t just need to be aware of that hesitation, but that I need to stop fostering it, stop hiding, and reach out to you. She is telling me to be strong and not let these fears and concerns hold me back from my connection with you.

Love is…

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5p9bvdk2

When there’s a big scare on your routine oncology check-ups, but then you find out (after more bloodwork) that your T markers are perfectly normal and you take a deep breath of relief not because you’re (probably) okay…….. but because you know HE is going to take a deep breath when he hears the news.

Today was good news.  Not totally in the clear, but good news all the same.  If the PETscan comes back good, then there’s no surgery, just a close and watchful eye for the time being.

I love you, Gideon.

Gideon’s Challenge

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Hypocritical 

September Clouds

Twice, today.   It’s an uncomfortable feeling and… unwarranted?   I don’t know why I’d feel that way but I did.

Both times, it was at EC, while answering questions on the forum.   The first was the thread I answered where someone was asking for help and advice considering long distance relationships.  The second was in a thread where someone asked advice on starting a home business from a hobby.

I know my advice in both cases was good, and I am speaking from a place of experience as well in both instances.  And yet…. somehow I feel hypocritical anyway.

I tell myself that I have a thriving online business, and thus I am in an excellent position to give advice on such things.  Yet…. oddly I feel a fraud spouting hypocrisy.   Same goes for the long distance relationship advice.  We’ve been in a long distance relationship for 9 years.  It’s had its ups and downs like all relationships do.   So why do I feel as if I have no room to speak on the topic of long distance relationships?

I don’t understand why I feel this way… and yet it came up twice today.

Kaleidoscope (Part 6)

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Abandonment

With the last installment of the Kaleidoscope series, we come full circle to a sense of abandonment. Because… that’s where I ended up. By the time I came to you and told you that I thought that you needed to go and start talking to someone about your depression, I was alone… and had been for some time.

This should be apparent by the other kaleidoscope posts, and yet, it’s more than that.  It’s that clear and aching sense of being left bereft and alone.  An odd dissonance, because I was and am still in a relationship with you… and yet, I was also alone. Left alone to deal on my own. A situation that created a sense of betrayal and resentment, because without intention I had come to depend upon you.

Dirty Pacifier

That secure spot of comfort and safety was removed from my reach.   I had tried so hard in the beginning to not depend on it.   To not need it.   And then when I did, it was taken away like a handful of sand slipping though one’s fingers.

Two years passed while I slipped further and further beneath the surface of hurt and betrayal and loss and anger and resentment.  It didn’t happen all at once, but one fraction of a millimeter at a time, nearly imperceptible in the moment other than those few rare sparks of occasional awareness.

I had to bury that part of myself, that soft and vulnerable need.   I had to, to protect myself.   It only made this sense of abandonment worse to put that small part of me in a box and close the lid.

Abandonment is separate in the series because it is its own animal.  It’s own monster.  It stands on its own and feeds the anger in ways the others don’t.   That’s why its last and alone as I reveal it to the light.    At the core, my anger comes from here.  All the other hurts and slights feed this one.  It is the monster in the closet, lurking and ravenous, eating up every slight, every hurt and ache and sadness.  It swallows it all up and keeps the anger burning.

It is the beast that lurks in that ball of fear in my gut as well.  The one that reminds me again and again not to trust, the one that says its not over, that you’re not back. It is an insidious whisper in my ear, always there to remind me not just of where I am, but what happened to get me here.