The Drown and The Drop

IMG_6711Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was a guided meditation accompanied by interval timer.  The topic of today’s guided meditation was about using the skills learned through one’s meditation practice to turn moments of frustration and irritation around into a calmer and less destructive response.

It’s about being aware of when this irritation and frustration begins to rise, and taking a moment to turn that awareness into action by stepping back and taking a deep breath, allowing yourself a moment just breathe and let your muscles relax.

In that action alone, we lower our blood pressure and thus ease our temper enough to keep it from boiling over, allowing for a calmer and more positive interaction with whatever has us irritated or frustrated in the first place.

Hush Tarot - Five of PentaclesToday’s draw is the Five of Pentacles, which is traditionally a representation of tests, trials, conflict, and hardships in the area of one’s finances, resources, hearth and home, health, and manifestations.

I’m very touched by the imagery of this card. What I see here is the drown… and the drop.  Both captured in one image.

In the drown, all that intensity and intimacy that delves me under the surface of subspace and sends me floating in the limbo of weightless pleasure is peaceful.  My trust as I am held down beneath the surface, my certainty that nothing will be allowed to hurt me so that I can fully open up and allow those vulnerable inner pieces of myself to hang suspended in that place of peaceful place controlled by you.

Where in the drown there is peace, in the drop there is agony.  I used to revolt against it, thrashing uselessly in the cloying suffocation of the drop.  I have learned that it is better to remain still and quiet, to not fight but accept the pain as payment for the pleasure.

Nothing is free, and the pleasure you give me when you float me into the drown and hold me there is so great… that it makes sense the ache that comes after as payment would be just as heavy.   This stillness and ache is also something I see in the imagery of this card.

Today’s card is a reminder that pleasure and pain go hand in hand, and that those things worth having sometimes take their payment less traditional ways.  It’s okay… just stay still and breathe, and the drop will pass.


#Zentember #LovelyHealing Challenge Prompt
: How to move toward my vision with clarity and purpose?

WilderWoven Tarot

Reading Summary: Keep your eye on the prize (Tree of Life over Ten of Cups) and do your best to take what you’ve learned this year (The Hierophant). Don’t throw up unnecessary barriers between yourself and those lessons (Nine of Wands) is a better path to protecting what’s yours (Seven of Swords).

Take Away:  “The Prize” in this case is my emotional growth (Ten of Cups) and turning over a new leaf in how I do things (Tree of Life).  I’ve had a lot of worry about having to choose between that emotional growth and the lambasting intensity of the upcoming holiday season. 

The thing is, though… I’ve earned the growth I’ve managed to accomplish so far over this year.  I’ve earned it, I’ve learned from it and it’s now mine.  A part of me.   Instead of trying to put up walls to protect my progress, I need to accept that this progress is already a part of me.

Even if I backslide?  Regaining my footing will not be the same as starting from the beginning all over again.  I’ve already tread the path and climbed the cliff face, I know where the footing is best and where the handholds are.  That means I will be able to regain that ground more quickly.

If I want to protect what’s mine… what I’ve earned and made a part of myself?  I need to ease up on that normal reaction to construct walls, and instead take a breath and relax.


#DiscordTarotholicsSep2020 Challenge Prompt
: Do Spread #3

El Goliath Tarot 2nd EditionAmberNine of Wands – Where I need to work on my emotions to create more balance in my life is in the area of my depression and my hard flex to guard myself from emotional pain. Having spent so much of my life walling my emotional side off, I never really got used to and toughened up to the emotional pain people are dealt.  Now that I no longer have a fortress of walls to protect those emotions, sometimes when I flinch in pain, I start building.  This does not encourage balance, nor help me in getting used to this new state of emotional openness and growth.

CedarFive of Wands – I can use my present day fortitude to strengthen my future protections by remembering the experiences from my past and the times that I’ve had to fight for the growth and progress needed.  The strategies, methods, and spark of willpower from those times can be carried forward through the present and into the future, to strengthen my position and my protection of those things that are important to me.

MarigoldKarmic Release – Where I should focus on my health in order to develop a happier outlook is tied in directly to my Karmic health and self actualization. In looking at the things I’ve done that I am ashamed of, feel guilt over, or know that are wrong… by examining these things and taking ownership of them, then letting go of them. By allowing this process of release to happen, I can then foster a greater sense of happiness in my life.

Lapis LazuliThe Shaman – The inner truths that self awareness can bring into the light within my life have to do with my spirituality and my connection to the earth, the elements, and the metaphysical.  By delving into this part of who I am, I am able to not just facilitate my own growth, but guide others in theirs as well. The more I delve into myself, my spirituality, and my unique abilities, then the more I grow and the more I have to offer others in turn.

WalnutKnight of Swords and The Sage – In order to be more discerning in picking positive friendships, it is important to take a level-headed look at those friendships from your past in which you have bitten off more than you can chew. Take some time to truly ascertain which of those friendships were valuable and which were simply frivolous leaps into the unknown, and purge those experiences and energies left over from those that did not work for you, while retaining the lessons learned from them.

SapphireThe Hierophant – I can best discern between logical thought and true wisdom by looking at these moments through the lens of inner truth. Only through reaching within yourself for the answers can you sort out the difference.  Logic comes from the mind, but true wisdom comes from somewhere much deeper.  Ask yourself if the information being offered is simply emotionless knowledge… or heartfelt inner truths being shared.

YarrowKing of Swords – To move from a place of trauma to a place of healing, I need to take control of myself and the situation, clear my mind, and see things through a sharp and discerning eye. It is only by shutting down the clutter and creating a place of piercing clarity that you can cut through trauma’s influence to find a path to healing.  When you are lost in the fog… the path is concealed from view.


Lionharts #AstroTarotChallenge
: Is there any karmic energy I currently carry with me that I should be aware of?  Is it something I should deal with or act upon at this time?

Sasuraibito TarotKarmic energy I carry and need to be aware of.
Queen of Swords atop Eight of Swords

You are not dealing with the effects of your mother’s influences on you.  Ignoring those dark shadows she has created through her selfish, self centered words and actions over the year is not healthy, and as long as you carry this energy within you, you will never be entirely free of it’s affects upon your inner self.

Should I deal with it at this time?
Page of Swords

Go for it!  It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to take some trial and error with a heavy dose of learning to get it right.  But you can untangle the web of thoughts and emotions and rip off that blindfold.  You have the intelligence and capability, as well as the opportunity, to take this challenge on one step at a time.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: Do I believe my opinion matters?

Brady Tarot 2nd Edition

Reading Summary: I give good advice and have a lot of good input to give through past experience (Eight of Roots).  When others choose to discount my opinion (Two of Arrows), I also am then later given the chance to say I told you so (Six of Wands).

Take Away: I’m always happy to share my experiences with others and offer opinions when I think they might be able to help or have been asked for. So very often, though, even those that ask for your opinions and advice then go off and do whatever they wanted to do in the first place no matter what you had to say to the contrary. At those times, I more often than not am not going to say “I told you so”, but you can damn well bet that I’m thinking it.


Don’t Be a Sad Sack

I took a break from… well, pretty much everything for a couple of days. So I have nothing to say here other than I’m getting back on track now (Sunday September 27th).   I -did- meditate yesterday… but honestly?  I can’t remember a thing about it other than the fact that I did it.

Botan Tarot - Five of CupsToday’s draw is the Five of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of disappointments, regrets, and all around an attitude of apathy and/or pessimism. 

Honestly?  Talk about calling my ass out right?  Because I’ve been a cranky ass sad sack motherf’k’r for the past few days.   I know it’s the drop and I get that, but jesus I’m just a mess and it’s definitely showing.

The message in today’s card is about looking beyond the crap that’s dragging you down. It’s about gratitude and appreciation for that beautiful stack of four unbroken cups behind the one broken one that has snagged your attention.

An echo from my earlier bonus reading this morning… today’s message is about not allowing yourself to sink into negative emotions and thoughts.  Feel them, and then move beyond them to appreciate what you have that is good and positive and makes you happy.


#Zentember #LovelyHealing Challenge Prompt
: How to better connect with my intuition?

Tarot of Reincarnation

Reading Summary:  Decisive action to make things better (Eight of Hearts), trust in the tools at your disposal (Magician), and release of the certainties that are not serving me (Tower).

Take Away:  This is about the balance I seek between my emotional balance and my work balance for the busy season ahead.  The cards here are telling me to let go of the feelings and certainty I have about that I have to choose one or the other.  I have all of the tools at my disposal to allow myself to adapt and move forward into a better future. 

The reading here is about trust.  Trust that I’m on the right path.  Trust in my intuition and its messages.  It’s about not allowing my fears and uncertainties to cloud my intuition’s voice. 


#DiscordTarotholicsSep2020 Challenge Prompt
: What is something new I should try?

Archeon TarotReading Summary: Stop being such a sad sack (Five of Cups).  Take control of your inner narrative (King of Swords) and turn that shit around into positive progress (Knight of Pentacles).

Take Away:  There is a reason that this is “something new” to try.  It’s because that negative depression and pessimistic voice in my head is familiar and… that familiarity is comfortable even if it is not good for me.  Familiarity and comfort, in this instance, is the opposite of good for me and thus, the “something new” to try is both good for me and uncomfortable… but needs to be done.

That something new?  Is taking control of my inner narrative rather than allowing myself to sink into it.  The Knight of Pentacles says that in this being something unfamiliar, it might take a little time and practice to get it right… but it’s still good progress, no matter how uncomfortable or how long it takes.


Lionharts #AstroTarotChallenge
: How have those who I surround myself with by choice contributed to my personal journey and values?

Art Nouveau Tarot c. 1989

Reading Summary: They have taught me to be more careful in what I say and how I say it (Three of Swords atop King of Swords Rx) when in the middle of speaking on those things I believe in (Seven of Staves), which creates a far more stable and strong foundation with which to approach from (King of Staves).

Take Away:  One of the most valuable lessons I have learned from those that I choose to surround myself with is how to communicate better with others. Communication, for me, often feels like a field full of landmines that I need to cross to get to the other side. Each word a footstep with the potential to blow up in my face.

As I’ve gotten older, those around me have helped me in learning how to present and discuss things in ways that are less confrontational or aggressive, which helps a lot in my communication with others in all aspects of my life.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can I stop taking criticism personally?

Samiramay Tarot

Reading Summary: Take control of your reactions through willpower (The Chariot). Don’t be so quick to jump to a pessimistic interpretation (Five of Cups) that ends up hurting my feelings (Three of Swords).

Take Away:  This is about slowing down and making sure that I’m looking at things from a more impersonal “out of my own shoes” view.  I need to remember that criticism also has an opportunity within it for improvement in most cases.  So instead of allowing criticism to strike at my heart with words, I need to look instead at what benefits and positive messages I can take from the criticism being given.


Protect Your Happiness

I took a break from… well, pretty much everything for a couple of days.  So I have nothing to say here other than I’m getting back on track now (Sunday September 27th).

Hush Tarot - Four of WandsToday’s draw is the Four of Wands, which is traditionally about homecoming, harmonious family connections, and joyous celebration of one’s blessings.

The bouquet in the imagery of this card reminds me of wedding decorations. Struck through this bouquet are the spears, which both support the flowers and protect these flowers from harm.

The thing is? You can’t have harmony and home without also having protection and stability (present in the four).  These things are very important to fostering a healthy and happy harmony in both home and family.  And that is the message in today’s card. Love requires protection, happiness requires safety, relationships require support.


#Zentember #LovelyHealing Challenge Prompt
: How to overcome my fears?

WilderWoven Tarot

Reading Summary: Take a beginners mind (The Fool) and an emperor’s heart (The Emperor), and allow this combination to carry you through with passion and joy for the discoveries and adventures ahead (Page of Wands).

Take Away:  Be responsible but joyful. Be curious but steadfast. Be optimistic but realistic. It is possible to balance all of these things.  It’s possible to take them forward with you into the world and allow them to kindle passion and inspiration within you, without falling over the deep end of addiction and losing focus on the world as a whole in the process. Finding balance can be a struggle, but it can be done.


#DiscordTarotholicsSep2020 Challenge Prompt
: As fall draws to a close next month, what needs to be let go of when moving forward?

Sasuraibito TarotReading Summary: Open your eyes (Eight of Swords) and allow change to happen (Death) surrounding your work (Eight of Pentacles).

Take Away: It’s going to be okay. Don’t continue to keep your eyes closed and ignore what’s going on around you or what’s coming. The changes that you’ve been gradually working on are ready to move forward into the busy season with you if you let them. So don’t cover your face and hide behind the work to come.  Stay open and allow yourself to see beyond what you would normally bury your nose in while ignoring the rest of the world.


Don’t Skip It

IMG_6641Today’s meditation was just under eleven minutes long, and was a guided meditation with interval timer.   The guided part of the meditation focused upon the challenges and benefits of doing nothing.  Some people feel like this is the easiest thing in the world, yes?  But I am definitely not one of those people.

It is a huge struggle for me to take days off, and even during that time?  I still work, just not at the regular stuff.  Instead I try to focus primarily on making sure stuff stays in stock online and that I answer customers in a timely manner.  This means it takes the pressure off and allows me time away from that pressure to recover from burnout… but that I’m not truly “doing nothing”.

The thing is tho?  I am doing better at it.  I’m getting better at actually taking those low-pressure breaks, and making sure that I’m kinder to myself concerning the need for rest and down time.  It’s a work in progress, but I’m working at it.

Hush Tarot - Four of SwordsToday’s draw is the Four of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of the need for restorative rest and recuperation.  This can also come in the form of meditation, sleep, recovery from burnout, and many other themes along that thread.

I love the imagery in this card.  I think it’s absolutely beautiful.  That said, no one aspect of this card stood out to me today.  Instead?  This card ended up pulled just after the decision to skip my meditation had been made this morning.  It is a direct response to that decision.

The message in today’s card is that even though I am back to work today, I still need those moments of restorative rest… and that is especially relevant in reference to my meditation practice.  And thus, perhaps it is no surprise, but I re-evaluated my decision and ended up doing my meditation after all.


#Zentember #LovelyHealing Challenge Prompt
: How to show up more?

Haindl Tarot

Reading Summary:  Be less reactionary (King of Cups Rx) and more slow to react (Son of Stones). You are still in the learning stages of your emotional growth (Daughter of Cups).  Allow fostering that growth become a passion that burns brightly in your heart (Ace of Wands).

Take Away:  I didn’t really understand this question, but I went ahead and decided to pull for it anyway.  The advice given here is good, regardless of my lack of understanding of the question as a whole.  With so many new emotions and new levels of emotion going on with me these days, there are times when I feel myself having knee-jerk emotional reactions to things.  Giving a little forethought and taking time in reacting rather than just jumping in is a good idea, and the advice about accepting these changes and pursuing them from day to day?  Also good advice.


#DiscordTarotholicsSep2020 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question
: What is humanity’s biggest mistake?

English Magic TarotReading Summary: Too much time focusing on what you want (Page of Swords) and ignoring (Hanged Man Rx) to the passage of time and what the past can teach us (Seven of Cups).

Take Away: Hubris. Lack of humility is humanity’s greatest mistake. When we choose to only focus on our own desires and turn a blind eye to the past and what we can learn from it, everyone loses.  And yet, humanity does this again and again, choosing to focus only upon their own selfish desires to the point that they forget to look to those lessons already learned… and thus are destined to repeat them over and over again.


Lionharts #AstroTarotChallenge
: What is something about me that others really value, admire, or appreciate about me?

Sasuraibito Tarot

Reading Summary: Even with how much I have gone through in my life (Three of Swords), I continue to display gratitude and appreciation for all that I have (Nine of Pentacles) and possess the strength and clear-mindedness to lead by example (King of Swords).

Take Away: In order to survive and thrive in the wake of the things I have been through in life, I need to see these experiences as lessons.  I see them as learning experiences that have helped me to grow and become a better person in some way. They have taught me skills I wouldn’t otherwise have, honed my abilities both mentally and physically, and given me experiences that allow me to relate to others in very specific and important ways.

I am sure that there are those that find my approach to survival from the crap that has happened in my life to be obnoxious or annoying.  The cards here indicate that there are just as many that also find my approach to these experiences to be admirable and inspirational. 


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can I get closer to my dream life?

Tyldwick Tarot

Reading Summary: When you are generous with your financial wealth and resources (Six of Coins) instead of squandering it on yourself (The Devil)… you are will rewarded with the return of a wealth that has a value far greater than that of money (The Empress).

Take Away:  I think I need to do a reading and ask my cards about what my ‘dream life’ might entail. Because… what the cards say here as the reward for leaning into altruism over selfish pursuits?  Sounds pretty damned nice.  But it isn’t at all what I would have said was of an appeal to me a few years ago… nor does it reflect what I drive myself to the bone to work toward.

So the question here is… over the past year as I have worked on my emotional growth and work / life balance, what has this done to influence what my ideal ‘dream life’ might look like?  Because The Empress is so much more appealing these days than she has been in my past.