Finding What Works

IMG_9019Today’s meditation was just over eleven minutes long and was a guided meditation via the Calm app with an added interval timer for my piriformis stretches. I nearly skipped again, but I managed to fight off the temptation and actually do the meditation instead.

The focus of today’s meditation was about perspective, and how important it is to listen to others and gain their input.  Sometimes when you are sure that your way is the right way, it’s difficult to remember that it may not be the only right way.  At times like that, it can be difficult to reach out for other’s input and perspectives, and yet with every time we do just that… we ourselves grow and become more than we were before. We learn and become better as a result.

Bonestone & Earthflesh Tarot - Ace of SwordsToday’s draw is the Ace of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of new ideas, new perspectives, and new ways of communicating with others.

This card is one of the cards in the deck that actually convinced me I had to have this deck.  I was one of those that didn’t manage to pick up the deck through kickstarter, but rather much later down the line when they were briefly (for a few hours) available through the creator’s Etsy shop. This was the first card I saw of this deck, and I was so enamored that I just had to have it.

The feathered quill here speaks of both the air element, which is the element of the Swords suit, but also of the themes that have to do with intellect and communication. The message I see in this card today is about finding new methods of communication, and is a topic that I am very familiar with.

When I was rendered mute, I had to seek out and experiment with many different new methods of communication.   Here online, not much changed.  I was able to communicate as normal and no one even realized anything had changed.  It was like “coming home” to return back to old and comfortable methods each day when the rest of my day was filled with the struggle of maneuvering the world by new and different ways of communicating.

That’s what this card made me think of today.  Sometimes?  We have to try something new whether we really want to or not. The point of doing this is to find what works for us… and discover what doesn’t. Experimentation and trying something new is not about succeeding or failing.  It’s about finding the shoes that fit best and are the most comfortable to wear.


LionHart’s Elements Tarot Challenge Prompt
Questions:  I. II. and III.

Dark Days Tarot

I. What is the main theme of this Mercury Retrograde for me?

Page of Wands atop Two of Wands – This Mercury Rx for me will be about finding new ways to look at my plans and goals.  This could involve a new perspective in how I deal with planning things out, but will have an impact on how I do things in the future, and allow for me to learn a better method of working out those details.

II. How am I asked to honor my feelings or the current Rx vibes?

King of Pentacles Rx atop Two of Swords – Your vulnerable undersides are showing. Make sure that you’re not acting hastily and causing more damage as a result.  Sometimes, standing still and allowing the world to turn around you is a better choice than stepping blindly forward onto the ice and having it crack beneath your feet.

III. What am I asked to reflect on throughout Mercury Retrograde?

Knight of Wands atop The Chariot – Why are you rushing?  Why is it so important that you get things done at inhuman speeds?  Why do you force yourself into the stress of unreasonable deadlines when you are the one setting these deadlines in the first place?


#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
: Do Spread 4 

5 Cent TarotHow do you most commonly misinterpret reading the cards for yourself?

Justice – I often judge myself too harshly and my feelings on needing to be punished for these things I am judging myself about sometimes comes out in my readings.   At these times (and when reading on these topics), my reading accuracy is often hindered by the fact that I see repercussions being dealt out to me that are unnecessary and never come to pass as a result.

How do you most commonly misinterpret reading the cards for others?

Ten of Wands – The answer is at the top of the card.  It has to do with failing to see the accomplishment within the message.  My focus during a reading is often honed in on what needs to be done, what needs to change, what needs fixing or adjusting or what help is needed.  This proactive approach often neglects to also take in what has been done or fixed or adjusted.

How can you improve at reading the cards so that it doesn’t keep happening?

Nine of Cups – Include more positivity in the readings. Empowerment is already there but there also needs to be an emotional connection.  Something that connects the emotions to positive feelings and a feeling of accomplishment instead of it all being about what’s needed or not been done or the more unpleasant aspects of the situation.


Daily Self Kindness

I’ve started using the MyNetDiary app on my phone again to keep track of my blood sugar readings, and I’m doing a bit of tracking of my sugar levels before and after eating as an update since I haven’t done this in a while.

When Everything Falls Apart

Today’s meditation was skipped because I didn’t feel like it, which… at the time felt like a valid excuse to skip it for the day, but now I realize that it’s not and I should have realized it from the start.  I just felt such a heavy lack of enthusiasm and dread about it that I had a “fuck it” reaction and didn’t do it.

Heaven & Earth Tarot - Ten of WandsToday’s draw is the Ten of Wands, which is traditionally a representation of feeling overwhelmed and/or overburdened.  It is about struggling under the weight of one’s projects and responsibilities.  I often end up getting this card as a warning when I am approaching burnout.

What stands out to me the strongest in this card’s imagery to day is the upraised hands.  It’s as if we have caught this man in that single moment when what was a neatly stacked and bundled collection of wands decides to go awry and spread out.  The hands then raise up in an “oh shit” to try and catch what has clearly decided to split, separate, and break free.

We all have times when everything is neatly in a row and then suddenly one of the ducklings goes off track and chaos ensues. It’s not always about having overburdened yourself… but about losing control of that burden unexpectedly.     The thing is?   That is also a form of overburdening… as it’s important to leave some wriggle room for when that moment of “awry” happens so that you can deal with it instead of it overpowering you.


LionHart’s Elements Tarot Challenge Prompt
: What am I asked to take with me moving forward?

Mundane Magick Tarot

Reading Summary: Let go of your perceived failings (Judgement atop Emergent of Coins Rx), while taking forward into the future your empowerment (The Magician) and hope (The Star).

Take Away:  It is hard to let go sometimes when you feel you’ve fucked up or suck at something. Or, at least it’s hard for me to let go of it.  Especially if the repercussions involve destabilizing my security or hurting someone else.  The key to a healthier future, though, is to remember that from these experiences you learn and obtain tools that help you in dealing with them better in the future, and do what you can to focus on the good you can do moving forward.


#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
: What is your greatest vice you’re not consciously aware of?

Guardian of the Night TarotReading Summary: When finding myself at the end of a journey (Ten of Swords) and thus the beginning of a new one (Ace of Cups), I often fail to pause and take stock (Four of Pentacles Rx) before moving forward.

Take Away: I’m so constantly going full bore from one thing to the next that I often forget that I need to take a break and find my footing again between one adventure and the next one.

Instead, I move on from what has been finished and dive enthusiastically into the next, allowing my pursuit if enjoyment and pleasure to carry me away into the new “thing”, whatever that thing might be, without that necessary pause to take stock, restock, and find my balance before continuing on.


Daily Self Kindness

I turned the water off for the sink and decided not to fuck with it today.  It was really frustrating me, as it’s still leaking.  It didn’t at first.  Not for the first few hours after I’d taken it apart and put it back together.  Then it started leaking again while we were doing the dishes.  So obviously… it’s not fixed.  I needed to step away from it for a bit, so I have decided not to deal with it today or tomorrow since it’s the weekend anyway so if I need to get hold of Moen, it won’t be possible until Monday at the earliest.

Motivations and Sneaky Shit

Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was a guided meditation from the Calm app with an interval timer added in for my piriformis stretches.  

The topic of today’s meditation was about closure.  The example used was about romantic relationships, but honestly?  I think the need for closure goes beyond just romantic relationships and can extend to friendships and even acquaintances sometimes. Something said in the meditation about how some people disappear from your life without warning or a trace (triggering in many that need for closure that they didn’t get) brought up a different topic for me.

I am one of those people… one of those friends that sociable people often consider a “bad friend”. I disappear for months at a time… then reappear back in other people’s lives as if no time has passed at all. Sort of like starting a conversation, walking out of the room for an hour, and then just picking the conversation back up exactly where ti was left when you return to the room again.

This is something that a lot of people don’t understand, I’ve found. But honestly? To me? It doesn’t -feel- as if any time has passed. That gap of time and absence? I don’t see it and I don’t realize it’s there.  It’s like, because I think of these friends, sometimes on a daily basis, they are not absent even though I might not be in contact with them. To me, they are still in my life. Still present. (Other times, I just lose time and have no clue that so much time has passed because my memory is missing a few days, weeks, or months. This particular issue is due to a combination of a head injury when I was younger, and mental health fluctuations.)

Bonestone & Earthflesh Tarot - Seven of SwordsToday’s draw is is the Seven of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of trickery, strategy, thievery, betrayal, and all around sneaky shit. Mind you, not all sneaky shit is bad shit.  Being cunning and strategic can be a very good quality… but it is still sneaky shit sometimes.

What stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is not surprising. It’s the hands and what’s within them, the homes in the distance, and the blue shade of the cloak that the figure wears.

What I see in this imagery is a warning that not everything is how it first appears, and you need to be aware and paying attention with that in mind. Some people are guileless and they wear their emotions on their sleeves and intentions on their face. Others… are not like that.  They may appear trustworthy, simple, innocent, easy, innocuous, or friendly. But what lies beneath the surface.

The advice here is that sometimes, we have to look at other’s motivations, even when they appear to be being nice or look completely harmless. Everyone has motivations behind their actions… pay attention to what those motivations might be.


#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
: What are you clinging to that can be let go of without repercussion?

Divine Masculine TarotReading Summary: My concern that having a bit of fun (Three of Cups) will distract me from my plans and goals (Two of Wands). It’s okay to take comfort (Four of Wands) in those things that bring me pleasure (imagery in the Queen of Wands).

Take Away: This is the influence of my father and how his voice managed to integrate into my inner narrative and make a home there.  It’s the concept that that anything that’s fun can’t possibly be productive or useful because you’re supposed to buckle down and work, be serious and focus to your goals, and not allow “frivilous things” to distract you.

I know that voice is wrong, and I know it’s harmful. I’ve never really considered that I “cling” to it before, but I think in some ways I do… because it seems like the path to stability and security. But on closer reflection, it may get you to stability and security, but at what cost to your health and happiness?


Daily Self Kindness

I spent all evening and night in play with Gideon today and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.  I didn’t do even a shred of work other than searching for a bin of charms I’d somehow thought I’d misplaced.  I discovered that instead, what happened is I was exhausted when I had the bin out before (along with a different one) and I accidentally put the charms back into the wrong bin.  I suppose that discovering this could also be self care, since as soon as I found those charms, I felt much better.  I was having a bit of an anxiety issue over the whole thing.

Plan It Out and Get Going

Today’s meditation was skipped today.  I was feeling stressed about the orders that I needed to get done and sort of lost the battle with any of my self care stuff today, not just the meditation but the probiotic smoothie, the vitamins, the tea with peptides, yoga physio crap…. the whole thing.  I’m definitely going to pay for it too.

Heaven & Earth Tarot - King of SwordsToday’s draw is the King of Swords, which is traditionally a representation of a projective alpha energy, personality, or person in the areas of intellect, communication, ambitions, and instinct.  The King in this suit is often associated with someone that is highly intelligent that has strategical acumen and leadership qualities rooted in their ability to lead through their ideas and skills in communication.

What stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today is the fact that the king’s throne is on wheels. He’s not sitting still and letting the world come to him, but sits upon a mobile throne, prepared to go where he is needed with the strength of his convictions behind him and intelligence to lead the way.  (Okay, so the dude’s muscles also stood out but… of course they did. Just sayin’.  I’m not blind.  That particular notation had nothing to do with the reading tho.)

Right.  So… the message today is about taking control by having a plan… a stress on the “plan” part of that.  This card is saying if I want to take control of my orders and get done what needs done, there’s more to the process than just getting up and moving your ass… you need a plan and you need to focus on it and stick to it and make it happen.


#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
: What do I need to focus on for self-care during this full moon?

Ink Witch TarotReading Summary:  Don’t push too hard right now (Page of Wands).  It’s okay to have some alone time if you need it, as long is it’s done in a healthy way (The Hermit) and you aren’t allowing the wolf in through the door in the process (Nine of Wands).

Take Away: Although I feel like I’ve managed to stop my slide down the walls of that dark pit, it would be a mistake during the full moon to use the energy available from the full moon to push myself to do more and dive into things.

Instead, I need to focus on taking care of myself and participating in healthy things that can fight back against the darkness.  It is very easy at this time to tip over the line from healthy to unhealthy in my actions and thoughts.  The Hermit card here is a reminder of just how close that line is and how easy it is to slip over it without realizing it, as alone time is something I crave often and yet it is not always healthy for me, while at other times it is immensely benificial.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: How can I treat myself with more compassion?

Earth Bones Tarot

Reading Summary:  Instead of projecting your energy and ambitions outward (King of Crystals) and overfilling your plate with responsibilities that then turn into heavy burdens (Ten of Wicks), right now you need to focus upon fostering and sustaining your inner strength (Strength).

Take Away:  Recovery from an MDE takes time and piling on responsibilities and additional crap to get done won’t help but instead will only slow down that recovery.  A better path that will allow the healing to happen instead of ignoring those needs, is to focus on doing the things that build your inner strength and give you a bit more stability.


Daily Self Kindness

Damn.   This is the first time since I started this self kindness section that I really can’t think of anything that I’ve done for myself today as a self kindness.  Nor can I think of anything at this point and time just before bed that I can do for myself right now as a self kindness.

It’s Your Choice

IMG_8965Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was a guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretches. The topic of today’s meditation is one that has come up quite a lot lately.  That is… the topic was about change, and how allowing change to happen rather than fighting against it can make life feel much smoother over all.

This is very similar to the thoughts that I was musing about the other day, where I was considering the difference that it would make if we embraced all change in the same way we embrace and adapt to good changes.

Bonestone & Earthflesh Tarot - The ChariotToday’s draw is the Chariot card, which is traditionally a representation of control, willpower, determination, and forward motion.

In many decks, this card is represented by a man controlling two horses (in various different situations such as a chariot or wagon).  What stands out to me here in this card is that it’s not a chariot that is being pulled behind the horses, but rather it is a home.

This speaks to me of autonomy, control, and direction that is related to more than just a situation, but to one’s life as a whole and their steps along their personal path in their life’s journey.  This woman brings with her what is important to her on her journey.  She takes with her home and shelter, her safety and security.

She is in control, she chooses her direction with each and every step she takes… and the path she treads upon with these steps is hers and hers alone.   And that is the message in today’s card.   You own your life.  You make the choices that decide what direction your life will go in.   Whether these choices are hard or easy, impossible or impossibly simple.  Whether you choose to see yourself as a victim in life or a survivor.  All of these are choices that shape where you will go on your journey.

Today’s message is a reminder that those choices are yours to make, and that that power is yours and only yours.


#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question
: Would life lose meaning if we could live forever?

Magical Nordic TarotReading Summary: There would always be something or someone to foster your passion and keep you interested and invested (Queen of Wands), if you’re willing to look for it instead of turning away from it (Eight of Swords), and if you are able to take the ups and downs of life in stride (The Wheel of Fortune).

Take Away: The answer is yes… and no.  Because the answer depends on the individual and their ability to find things that keep their passion for life and interest in being upon the earth and living and experiencing these things that make life worth living.   If someone isn’t willing to pursue these things, then a life filled with eternity would feel like a prison sentence.  But for those that can take life as it comes and fill it with pursuit of their passions, eternal life would become simply that much more pleasure… that much more joy… and that much more life to experience.


Purefield.Healing’s Taking My Power Back Challenge Prompt
: How can I take my power back from intrusive thoughts or worries?

Deck Of Celestials Tarot

Reading Summary: Find a balance between positive and negative (Two of Pentacles) by persuading yourself (Strength) to lean into the positive side of things and the pleasure/comfort you can find there (Four of Wands).

Take Away: When I saw the imagery in the Two of Pentacles today, it reminded me of a binucleated cell, which is about more than balance, but rather about two in one.  Positive and negative… inside me.  Both there, both circling around each other in an eternal effort to find balance.  The problem is that I struggle to feed the positive, where as the negative seems to be more than capable of feeding itself.   This balance, when I can manage it, creates a far more comfortable and centered “seat” within myself, making me much more “at home” within my own skin.  


Daily Self Kindness

Today I replaced the screen saver on my phone.  This is one of those tasks that I really hate, and so I put it off and put it off and… I’ve put it off a good six… maybe eight months or more.  My screen protector was so cracked and shattered that it was beginning to be difficult to see what was on the screen beneath it.   So today I dug out the protectors I’d ordered months and months ago, and finally did it.  Now my phone feels brand new again instead of like a broken piece of junk.

Wealth Comes From Gratitude

Today’s meditation was again… skipped.  I know it’s not a good idea to skip my meditations. I also know that even if I feel like they’re not doing me any good?  They are.  The fact that when I meditate daily my resting heart rate drops nearly ten beats per minute is proof that they do in fact make a difference. But I skipped… just sayin’.

Heaven & Earth Tarot - Ten of PentaclesToday’s draw is the Ten of Pentacles, which is traditionally about sharing your success and satiation with those around you.  This isn’t charity, but rather the next step after wallowing in your success, where you reach out to those you love and invite them into that good feeling of security and completion.

What I see in the message for this card today has to do with gratitude for what you have.   Not everyone is wealthy in monetary ways, but everyone is wealthy in some sort of way.  Sometimes it is good health, or they have a wealth of luck, a wealth of love, a wealth of friends… all of these are ways to be wealthy and there are so many more.

The thing about wealth is that if you do not see it as wealth and feel gratitude for it… then it’s not wealth.  It’s just another “thing” in your life.  The message in today’s card is to acknowledge those things that make you wealthy.  Acknowledge them and be grateful for them.

In my own life I am wealthy in many ways.  Although I am not monetarily wealthy, I’m no longer destitute as I was a decade ago.  I have a home that I own, a mortgage that is over half paid off, a twin sister who loves me fiercely, family and friends that I cherish and who love me, a partner who’s love borders on obsession in the best possible ways, and the freedom and independence to pursue the things that I enjoy and that interest me.  These are only some of the many things I have to be grateful for each and every day.


LionHart’s Elements Tarot Challenge Prompt
Question: Where am I asked to relax a little more or take a break?

Insight Tarot

Reading Summary:   Ease off on the “balls up and keep moving” (Strength) even when you feel like everything has turned to shit (Nine of Swords).  Your plans will wait until you’re in a better place (Three of Wands).

Take Away:  It’s okay to take the time I need to recover.  No one is pushing me forward but my own unrealistic expectations that I move forward at the same pace now in the middle of an MDE as I would when not in the middle of an episode.   Plans will wait, everything will be fine.  Just take a breath and slow down.


#DiscordTarotolicJan2021 Challenge Prompt
: Pull your most and least favorite cards from your deck and explain why you feel that way.

Zolar's New Astrological TarotMost Favorite – The Hanged Man

The Hanged Man reminds me that each hurdle I come upon (of which there have been many, and will surely be many more) is an opportunity for betterment in some way, not a road block.

The card says to me that it’s okay to have a life filled with struggles and hurdles, strife and discord, woe and adversity. These things are lessons in life that teach me how to become better. Better at the things I want to do… Better at the way I find my joy… And, just an all around better person as a whole.

The Hanged Man is a reminder that these things are there not to drag me down and make me miserable. Instead, they are there to create perspective, wisdom, and strength, as well as to foster deeper roots within myself and my life with which to anchor me through the hardest parts, like a tree standing strong in a storm is anchored deep within the soil.

Learning lessons and learning different perspectives is not always pleasant. It’s painful and uncomfortable and extremely awkward. To me the Hanged Man is a representation of how these struggles hold immeasurable worth, if I’m willing to look beyond the discomfort to see what’s waiting there for me to learn.

Least Favorite – The Wheel of Fortune

So… my reason for loving the Hanged Man was long and I really waxed poetic.  But, my answer for the Wheel of Fortune is much shorter and more succinct.   I dislike the Wheel of Fortune because it represents to me the unpredictability of life.  Ups and downs, fast times and slow… it’s never stable, never still, always moving and changing, always one shift away from the next imbalance, the next turn, the next change.

Even for those that see the Wheel of Fortune as a luck card, the fact is that it is a luck card that represents both good luck… and bad.  There’s no dependability and no stability there.  And that just sucks IMO.


Daily Self Kindness

Today I allowed myself not to work.  I did do a couple of client readings that were due to be sent out, but other than that, I stayed away from work entirely.  And I’m not beating myself up over it.  Instead I played with Gid and trimmed the borders down on the Magical Tarot by Arisa Chibara for L.