anxiety

Stepping Out of the Cycle

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Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and focused on looking beyond the self.  In this case, it was about how we can at times get lost in our thoughts and allow them to create anxiety, discomfort, or negativity.

When you are lost in a thought and experiencing these things, sometimes it can help to take a step back emotionally and realize that they really are just thoughts. Often?  They are predictive thought that is baseless other than being created by riding on our worries or anxieties.

As our thoughts are often cyclical, once thoughts like this settle in, they begin to repeat and repeat, building on themselves again and again. In doing so, they can build on worries, stress, and anxiety as well, which can become overwhelming.  In stepping back and acknowledging that these thoughts are not reality but just thoughts, it allows us to set those thoughts aside, and eases those feelings of stress and negativity.

The Moon - Ostara Tarot Today’s draw is the Moon card, which is the eighteenth card of the Major Arcana, and deals with topics in in the areas of uncertainty and fear, anxieties and the unknown, the subconscious, and confusion.

The topic goes really well with today’s meditation. Sometimes uncertainty is a good thing because it gives you time to pause, think, and reassess.  Today’s meditation is about taking that pause, assessing what is real and what is just thoughts as a projection of what’s in your heart and head instead of reality, and reassessing the situation to find a better outlook.

I think that everyone falls into this habit of “doom day” type thought cycles now and then. I’m no different.  Today’s draw is a good reminder not to let myself get carried away by the unknown.

DECK USED:  OSTARA TAROT

Bonus Reading – #TarotForGrowthDecember

Question:  What can I do to create better focus on the topic of yesterday’s read without overburdening myself?

Wayhome Tarot

Reading Summary:  To avoid burnout (Ten of Wands) I need to plot a course (Three of Wands) and stick to it (The Chariot) or I’ll have to pay the consequences (Justice).

Take Away:  (Just sayin’… but I really love this deck.)  Essentially if I don’t want to upset the apple cart and have my responsibilities and interests all come toppling into a mess on the floor, I need to make a plan on how I want to move forward.  One that will help me avoid giving myself burnout, which I am very good at doing.  And then, once that plan is made?  Stick to it.

DECK USED:  WAYHOME TAROT

 

Revisiting Fear and Indecision

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I wanted to revisit the topic of fear after my post from yesterday and the topic of the meditation that I did yesterday.

Yesterday’s meditation was about indecision, which I definitely do not have a problem with in any way, shape, or form.   But I feel like my post made it sound as if I don’t have fear, which is definitely not the case.

I do, absolutely, have fear.

I fear losing my home to the point where I obsess over work and push myself beyond my limits at times in how much work I should take on. (Thank goodness that I’m also someone that likes their creature comforts, or that fear might rule my entire life.)

I often have issues around fear when it comes to some of my scars (particularly the one on my face) and how people react (or may react) to them, which has gotten better over time as I am no longer trying to seclude myself into my home… but I know I still have a long way to go on this.

I fear my ex and the day he will be released from prison.   I fear my ex, as well, in his conniving “other” ways of trying to reach me even while he IS in prison.

I’m goddamned well -terrified- of spiders, even though my logical mind tells me I shouldn’t be.  You can add piranhas to that list, too, ever since as a kid I saw that first original Piranha movie.

The point is, I do have fears, and I didn’t want my post from yesterday coming off as some kind of bravado or something.  It’s just that fears do not inspire indecision for me.

For me, indecision doesn’t come from fear.  It appears when I am feeling extremely vulnerable, which can put me in a place of “I dunno, you choose”, and it appears when I have not managed to gather enough information or had the chance yet to think something through.

Scarcity Issues Redux

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused on indecision, especially that which is spurred by fear of rejection.

I found the meditation itself very relaxing, but I didn’t really relate well to the topic of the day.  The only time I really feel indecision is when I’m in subdrop or feeling extremely vulnerable.  This means that my indecision is caused by something very specific, and is not due to some sort of fear or worry of rejection or the judgement from others.

I’m not sure how I developed this confidence, but I’ve never had an issue with judgement.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  There was a time when internally my soul bled due do the judgements pushed on me by my father, but even then… there was no indecision.  Not about my sexuality, not about what I felt was right or wrong, not about the things I liked, and the things I didn’t.  What my father contributed was to further teach me is the “what’s the worst that can happen” aspect (with reasonable common sense added in, of course).

You do what you want because…. what’s the worst that can happen?  Someone laughs at you?  So what?  Someone says no?   Well at least you asked and now you know.  Thinking of trying something new?  Yes, you might fail, but if you had fun along the way or learned something during the process (or from the results) then it wasn’t really a loss at all.

Today’s draw was yet again another double drop, with no jumper as they both came out together.  The cards in today’s draw are the Nine of Wands (Anxious) and the Five of Coins (Poverty).  I’m considering ceasing defining the cards for this deck, as I keep getting intuition hits before I reach for my knowledge of the suits in the tarot, or even read the key words on the cards..

This one was a no-brainer, and is pretty much the message that’s been coming through for a while now.  The repeat message is not a surprise, as it is a subject that I struggle with.

That is… scarcity issues.

More specifically, the obsession with ensuring I do not return to a place of poverty and desperation.

The cards today are reminding me that I am not poor.  I am not destitute.  Everything is okay and there is no need to be anxious.  That, in fact, the general anxiety I deal with may be a part of what keeps me in this mindset.

The repeating theme of this topic means it is something I need to look at deeper, and work on more diligently.  I think that this is not just a reminder, but an encouragement to take action and put some focus and work into finding ways to ease my anxiety in this area.

Deck Used: The Visions of Life Tarot

 

Reassuring Stability

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Today’s meditation was not guided or timed, and incorporated deep beating exercises with a mindful focus on the breath.

Today’s draw is the King of Pentacles, which represents a solid, fatherly energy, personality, or person in the area of money, resources, and the physical world.

Although the King of Pentacles is a strong alpha energy, it is the kind of energy that provides comfort and stability.

The King of Pentacles came to me this morning to reassure me. I go into surgery today, which is a bit stressful. His appearance is here today to tell me everything is going to be okay.

Don’t Get Sucked Into the Whirlpool

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and fourteen seconds, and focused on the environment, and how we can care for the environment by focusing on the now and what we do in the present in order to foster a better future.

Oh look! It’s me. It’s funny because the original Rider/Waite/Smith artwork for this card has a woman sitting up in bed with the nine swords stacked on the wall, but her face is resting in her hands. The depiction in the deck, on the other hand, is a woman holding her head in her hands like she has a headache. And, that is exactly how I woke up this morning.

The Nine of Swords Is a representation of fruition and consequences In the area of the thoughts, communication, instinct, and logic.

I believe this ties into The Moon card from yesterday, and this cards aspect of consequences, as the Nine of Swords often indicates that you are letting your worries and anxieties get the best of you and cloud your judgment.

Yesterday’s card (The Moon) warned about taking action without seeing the full picture. Here today we have the Nine of Swords indicating that I don’t have the full picture, as well as pointing out to me that I am stressing out and worrying… and that as a result, I am creating a sense within myself of being overwhelmed.

This card message is to remind me that I need to take a breath. I need to sit back and separate my worries from the facts, and move forward only once I have the correct research in place.

Never having had high cholesterol before, this is a dietary issue I’ve never had to deal with. This means that I have quite a bit of research to accomplish in order to get back on the right track. With my surgery coming up tomorrow and my orders due to go out on Friday, this doesn’t leave me a lot of room for other interests and distractions.

The Nine of Swords is telling me that instead of sitting in my mind and stewing about what’s going on with my health, I should just move forward with the best, most healthy decisions I know of at the moment, and then deal with the research once the next couple of stressful days have passed.

A Hole of My Own Making

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Today’s meditation was ten minutes and forty three seconds, and focused on concentration. It had an interesting notation from a scientific journal, which of course I can’t remember the name of right now, that said that in this digital age when everyone is so distracted and pulled in so many different directions all of the time, even a goldfish has better focus than most people.

It encouraged working on developing one’s concentration in order to not just live a more mindful life, but also foster healthy relationships and activities.

Today’s draw is the Five of Pentacles, which Is a representation of tests, trials, and “harshness” in the area of money, resources, and the physical world.

“During the winter months, all living things are challenged to survive until spring.” – Journey Into the Hidden Realms by Barbara Moore

I’ve been a bit more “spendy” The normal lately. It’s pretty much a bit of splurging on myself combined with wiping away some little inconveniences by spending a little bit more to avoid them. Things such as eating out more than usual instead of packing food along, purchasing groceries already partially prepared, skipping trips to the food bank, etc which has been combined with indulgences such as buying brand name foods instead of the generics, purchasing a deck or a book here and there that I would normally have held off on, etc.

As a whole, this behavior has created a bit of a deficit for me and my finances, which in turn inspires a bit of an “oh fuck” mentality.

The five of pentacles is an indication that I need to take a mindful look at the small hole that I’ve dug for myself and am currently sitting in. Remember how I got here, and correct the behavior.

The card’s appearance is also a reminder that, like all things, this too will be temporary and I will move past it in time and recover from it. This may involve the necessity of asking for help, such as requesting my hours to be adjusted at work, getting back in the habit of going to the food bank regularly, and perhaps seeing if J is willing to pitch in for a bit with grocery money.