Scarcity Issues

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, but I did it twice because I was so comfortable in the bathtub at the time that I just didn’t want to move on.

The meditation today dealt with “autopilot”. You know, those times that everyone has where they just go through the motions without really being mindful or conscious of what they’re doing? I do this a lot while driving, but I know it’s not the only time.

The meditation, though, was an encouragement to seek out those times and be present in them instead of letting the time, experiences, and choices that those times you are on autopilot go to waste. It outlined a few methods to assist in “checking in” with yourself during the day in order to further this awareness of when you are “checking out” of your day.

I liked this meditation, and I think the practice of pulling yourself out of those moments is really important. It’s when I spend too much time on autopilot that the world begins to look lackluster, and I think this may be one of the subtle steps that slips me deeper into depression when it starts to sneak up on me.

Today’s card is the Five of Pentacles, which in this deck is titled as Poverty. The Five of cups is a representation of hardship, harshness, tests, and trials in the area of resources, money, and the physical world.

What struck me on this card is that in the image the wealthy-dressed individual is the beggar, and the farmer dressed individual is the charitable one. This card’s appearance today in the daily draw is a reminder to me that I’m not as bad off as my fears try to tell me I am.

I work hard and struggle constantly to bring in funds because I am focused on the constant, nagging fear that my financial stability is at risk. The key words there are “at risk”, because if I really sit down and think it through, the fact of the matter is that that stability really isn’t at risk. My fear is far out of proportion to the reality of the situation. Between what I make and the help I seek out when I need it, things are on track and stable, it’s just my inner shadow whispering to me that they aren’t.

The Five of Pentacles is telling me to spend a bit more time remembering this instead of listening to that insidious shadow always whispering in my ear.

Deck Used: Visions of Life Tarot

 

Damaged… Not Broken

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirteen seconds, and focused on judging oneself as “broken” and how to reevaluate that view into a positive one.

This was a really difficult one for me today, and appropriate too, as you will see below in the daily draw.  The thing is, I do consider myself broken.   Not mentally (although, there are definitely times during depression when that comes up), but rather… physically.

Between the damage that keeps me silent and the damage from the various accidents (and attacks) I’ve gone through in my life, I feel that my body IS broken.  Functional, but broken.

I have saved this meditation to revisit, because I know this is something I need to work on.

Today’s draw is the Eight of Cups, which features the magpie leaving its perch. The eight of cups as a representation of the winds of change in the area of emotion, creativity, relationships, and intuition.

In the guidebook included with this deck the magpie is a representation of insight, revelation, courage, and opportunity.

Speaking of broken.   I find myself struggling with resentment today.  Not a resentment of everything that I’ve gone through.  My life reading by Z was very clear that my life would be a path of struggle and strife, and I’m okay with that.  I don’t mind hurdles or challenges, as it is simply a part of my path to work through them.

That said, I am having a frustration and resentment issue when it comes to the cancer. It came up today because, as I was working the emollient bar into the scars on my knee I had a sudden cramp in my right ass cheek.  Seriously.   Like a red hot, needle thin poker just right into the cheek.  Not sciatica, but…. I dunno.  Sort of like nerve pain, I guess.

Anyway, it brought up an issue I’ve been dealing with since the cancer and my recovery, which is a loss of flexibility.

I’ve been doing yoga my entire life, although as a child I had no idea it was called yoga, and my parents never bothered to teach me the names of all the poses and sequences (which I never really bothered to learn since).  The practice, though, has been life-long.  And after the accident in my late teens that damaged so much of my right side, it was instrumental in both my recovery and maintenance of the repairs that had to be done.

Because of this practice, even after that accident I’ve always been quite “bendy”… until the last few years.

During chemotherapy and my recovery after the RPLND, I slacked in my practice.  As in… didn’t do it at all for nearly a year.  And ever since then?  I’ve not been able to bring myself back to par with the flexibility that I’d had prior.   Normally, I can take this in stride and see such issues as a challenge… but today?  Not so much. And thus… frustration and resentment started to whisper through my emotions.

SO…. back to the Eight of Cups.

The Eight of Cups is telling me to let it go.   Take a deep breath, be understanding of my needs and capabilities, and move on from these feelings of resentment and intolerance towards myself…. and I’m going to do my best to do just that.

Deck Used: The Animism Tarot

 

Top 5 Decks I Cant Live Without (non)VR To Kelly Bear

/ Twist the Leaf / 2 Comments

I feel like I’ve answered this recently, but I can’t find it.  It’s a bit different than Simon’s “five favorites” as you can pick from any decks you have.  Still, I looked through and couldn’t find it so maybe it’s something I did in my head instead of actually writing down.

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This post’s theme was originally created by Kelly Bear on YouTube a few years ago, and she recently did an update (because, well, favorites change over time).  From what I understand she usually does an update to this list yearly for her, we’ll see if I can remember to update it next year.

The way that I’m looking at this question is along the premise of if my house was on fire and I could only choose FIVE decks out of my collection to save, and none of my collection could be replaced for some reason, what five would I grab?

So here are my top five decks that I would  not want to live with out… at this moment.

Tarot of the Hidden Realm – This goes without saying. I’ve mentioned this many times on here that when I opened the box I had a very deep and immediate reaction to these cards the moment I touched them.  They speak to me on a level I’ve never had another deck speak to me before and I can’t see these cards falling off of this list any time soon.

Although… the artist is in the process of working on a second deck, and has already signed a contract with Llewellyn to produce it, so you never know, right?  I’ve seen some of the finished artwork for the deck and it is spectacular.

Blue Owl Lenormand or the 1889 Lenormand – I’m really kind of torn on this one.  The Blue Owl holds a lot of sentimental value for me, but the 1889 Lenormand’s aesthetic really speaks to me.   It would be a hard choice but if my ass was on fire and I had to choose just one, I would probably choose the 1889 primarily because I am currently using it more.

Dixit Decks – You can bet your ass if it came down to it I’d shuffle all ten of the decks I own into one monster deck and call it good.  I love these decks.  They’re actually a card game where you make up stories about the cards and other people have to guess what card you’re making up the story about.  It’s a fun game, but it’s not how I use these cards.    I personally use Dixit cards as an intuitive oracle, and they work really well for me in this way.

The Hanson Roberts Tarot – I find this deck easy on the eyes and exceedingly easy to read.  I also like the card size.  My own copy was purchased pre-owned and is one of the earlier printings of the deck.  This was good for me because it meant the cards were already broken in just a bit, as I find smaller decks are sometimes difficult for me to shuffle straight out of the box until they get broken in a bit.

The Universal Waite in a Tin – No surprise here that my favorite coloring of the deck is by Mary Hanson Roberts.  Although, if they would come out with a Radiant Wise Spirit in a tin?  I might have to change my mind. I chose this deck because of the traditional symbolism in the cards, the coloring, and because it’s IN A TIN.  Got to love a protective shell.  They’re also smaller than a regular tarot deck, which makes them easier to tote around.  Not that I tote around my tarot decks, but if I was reduced to five decks?  I might have to make myself a go-bag and this one would be in it.

I was actually a bit surprised that none of my out of print decks made it onto this list, although I did consider the Tyldwick Tarot. As much as I absolutely love that deck, though, it would fall in at sixth in line, though.  It would kill me to leave it behind because I really love it so much, but it isn’t on this list.   I also considered some of my plant or animal decks or a playing card deck, but they didn’t make it on the list for this time either.

 

Fondness… Not Melancholy

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and eleven seconds, and focused on how sound can enhance one’s meditation practice.  It wasn’t in reference to music or chimes, but instead was concerning the organic sounds around you during a meditation such as traffic noise outside, the sound of rain, or footsteps, or hum of others in another room, etc.

In my case, I do not usually have much as far as intrusive sounds.  Although I live in a busy city, live on the far back corner of a building.  This means that most traffic noises, train noises, and other disturbances are muffled by the time they reach my home.  My home is also very quiet.  Because of my ‘crossed wires’ with the synesthesia, I often prefer my home to be silent in order to assist in avoiding sensory overload.  In fact, I often come home after being out with a huge sense of relief as I walk through the door because I know it will be quiet and I am in a place where I can control my environment and sensory input.

OOps, I digress.  Sorry. Noise in meditation…

For me, with the air conditioner turned off and no one home but myself, the only sound my ears could pick up on was my own breathing and just, very faintly, the muffled sound of traffic in the distance.   That sound is something I would describe as a very quiet “whoosh” type of sound with an emphasis on the ‘os’ and the space between those two letters in its pronunciation.  (Probably didn’t make much sense, but there you have it.)

I did not find this sound distracting or disturbing, so I’m not sure that the practice of “accepting sounds into your practice” really applied much for my meditation today.  It was a very relaxing meditation, though, without a lot of intrusive thoughts bouncing around trying to get my attention.

 It’s a new month starting today, and so the Student Tarot v5 has been tucked away and a new deck has been chosen… or rather, two decks have been chosen. The first deck (today’s deck) that I chose I felt was a little too modern and metro for an every day draw for me, especially since I only switch out decks every month for the daily draws, so I chose a second more earthy deck to alternate with (which you’ll see tomorrow).

Today’s draw is the Six of Cups, or what is known in this deck as the “Nostalgia” card. Nostalgia is a good keyword for this card, as in the RWS system the Six of Cups is a representation of innocence, memories, reminiscing, and a sense of playfulness and joy in the area of emotions, relationships, intuition, imagination, and creativity.

For me, this card had a completely visceral reaction.  I didn’t even notice the key word at first, because…. look at that bakery.  Look at that old lady smooshed up against the glass going “oh those look so good. I remember those.”

That’s me.  I’m the old lady.

I’ve really struggled with the dietary restrictions that have come up over the past couple of years.  I need a certain enthusiasm for food in order to keep on weight, and I’m already a good distance below the weight I -should- be maintaining.  Without all that wonderful “crap food” that I used to savor and enjoy so much (but which now will raise my cholesterol too high), keeping my weight up has become a constant struggle.   I miss PopTarts and cupcakes, cookies and Cheetos, Capt’n Crunch and Cocoa Puffs, and french fries…. god I miss french fries SO much.  I miss being able to eat what I want…. ALL that I want, when I want.

The Six of Cups in today’s reading is a reminder that it’s okay to remember these things and how good they were, but don’t let it drag me down.  See all those hearts around that old lady’s head?   Exactly.    Fondness… not melancholy.

Deck Used: The Visions of Life Tarot

75 Questions (and answers) About Myself

/ Twist the Leaf / 3 Comments

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A quiz that I ran across on one of my follower’s blogs, and you know how much I like quizzes so…. here we go.

Are you named after anyone?  I am not.
When was the last time you cried?  Hmm, well I teared up a couple of days ago, but I can’t remember why.   Really cried, though?  Mid-April, I think.
Do you have kids?  Good God no.
What is the first thing you notice about people?  Their energy.
What is your eye color?  Brown
What are your favorite smells?  Nag Champa, Vanilla, Cloves
Do you have any special talents?  Tons of them, most of them having to do with creativity.
Where were you born?  Canada
What is your zodiac sign?  Taurus
What are your hobbies?  Gardening, jewelry design, writing, listening to audiobooks, hiking, photography, dabbling in new creative ideas and endeavors, learning
Do you have any pets? Yes.  A mostly black torti calico named Luna.
What do you want to be when you grow up?  Stable
Who was your first best friend?  My twin sister
How tall are you?  5’10
What is the least favorite thing about yourself?  Chronic physical pain
Funniest moment throughout school?   I’ve lost most of my memories of that time of my life, but there is the first time I heard the story of the “Little Black WooWoo”.  It was told to me by Z about her dad, who was driving home one night with her in the back and had come to some railroad tracks.  He stopped, and then went to drive across, and right at that moment a little black pickup truck came whizzing by, passing him on the way across the tracks.  He thought it was a train.   Thus… the “Little Black WooWoo”.
What is your favorite drink?  Water, although I waver between whether  prefer it room temperature or ice cold.
What is your favorite animal?  I don’t have one, although most of the ones I am drawn to are marine life.
What is your favorite perfume?  Z has this lotion that she uses that’s been discontinued for like twenty years or something.  It smells like vanilla and amber without the sharp smell of perfume or any floral notes.  It’s SO nice.  She complained a number of times over the past year or so that she’s almost out.
What sports have you played?  Ugh.  None.  I’m not a fan of team sports or competition.
Who are some of your favorite YouTubers?  So many these days.  Lets see, off the top of my head… The Hermit’s Cave, Boho Tarot, Ethony, Dani Mystic, Becca Tarot Night Owl, On the Cusp Tarot, Pappa Squirrel, Ozark Oracle, Heather Carter, Crow Quill Tarot (this one is new, but I’ve really enjoyed what she’s put out so far), tons more too.  Outside of the whole tarot/spirituality thing, there’s also Beadaholique, Today I Found Out, Doctor Mike, DaveyWaveyRaw,  Photoshop Tutorials by Layer Life, Stone Music Entertainment, AOMG Official, Bad Yogi, Yoga with Adriene…  hard to choose even just a few, I guess.
What is your favorite childhood memory?  Going to Z’s house.
What is one of your bad habits?  Judging myself harshly.
3 things that make you happy.   Gideon, Sleep, Luna
3 things that make you upset.   Disrespectful behavior, Entitlement, Closemindedness
Top 5 favorite series.   Laurel K Hamilton’s book series.  The Charlaine Harris book series.  The Big Bang Theory on TV.  The Tide book series by Anthony J Melchiorri. That 70s Show on TV, which is never on TV anymore, it seems.
Top 5 favorite self-help books.  Holistic Tarot by Benebell Wen, How to Meditate by Lawrence LeShan, The Melt Method by Sue Hitzmann, Your Body’s Many Cries for Water by Fereydoon Batmanghelidj, How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed by Anne Sheffield
One word that describes you.   Myriad
What is one of your favorite quotes?  “You can’t use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have.” – Maya Angelou
Are you an introvert or extrovert?   Introverted with occasional moments of extroversion.
Are you left or right handed?  I am right handed, with a high amount of dexterity in the left.  I am ambidextrous when I have pliers in my hands and when I play pool.
Does your name have any special meaning?  My given name?  No.  My online name? Yes.  Twist the Leaf is from a spell casting that my sister and I wrote together when we were kids for a Samhain ritual, and still use all these years later.
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Right where I am.  I love western Washington.  If anything, I’d love to live out in the woods, though.  Maybe a little, difficult to access cabin in the rainforest with a stream nearby.  That would be amazing as long as I could still have internet.
What is your favorite gadget?  ABCOTech Shower Speaker, although the remote plugs I have installed for the lights in my place come a close second.  I love  having the lights turn on and off on their own via a schedule.
Does your name make any interesting anagrams?   No, but depending on how it’s written, it looks an awful lot like “Leaf”.
Where did you grow up?  Western Washington state
What do you call your grandparents?   I don’t.  I never met my grandparents before they passed.
What is your biggest accomplishment? Surviving
What inspires you?  Nature, Color, Music
What is your greatest fear?   Losing my home is the fear that drives me.  My greatest fear, though, is losing my sister.
What has required the most courage in your life so far?   Choosing survival and recovery instead of giving up.
Who is your favorite actor? Cary Grant
Who is your favorite actress?  It’s a tie between Gena Rowlands and Susan Sarandon
What is your favorite movie?  Night of the Living Dead (the original 1968 version)
What is your favorite musical?  My Fair Lady
What is your favorite series?  I already answered that one above, but I would have to say for television… The Big Bang Theory
What is your favorite anime?   Desu Nōto (Deathnote) by Tsugumi Ohba
What is your favorite Disney movie?  Escape to Witch Mountain (the orginal 1975 version)
What is your favorite cartoon?  The Casper the Friendly Ghost cartoons from the 40s and 50s
Who is your top 10 favorite male singers?  In no particular order and only at this moment (as it changes regularly)… Leonard Cohen, Bi Rain, Bing Crosby, Kim Jae Joong, Xia, G-Dragon, Nat King Cole, Kim Woosung, Taemin, Dave Matthews
Who is your 10 favorite female singers?  Also in no particular order and only at this moment (as it changes regularly)… Barbara Streisand, Elkie Brooks, Heize, Emilie Simon, Ebba Forsberg, Beth Gibbons, Lou Lou Ghelichkhani, Fiona Apple, Kwon Bo-ah, Lesley Rankine
10 of your current favorite songs. Also in no particular order and only at this moment (as it changes regularly)… I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie, Singularity by BTS, Bad by Tablo, Face by WooSung, Catch and Release by Silversun Pickups, Island in the Sun by Weezer, X Amount of Words by BlueOctober, Move by Taemin, UN Village by Baekhuyn, Boom by NCT Dream
What is your favorite book series? Currently (and for a while now) The Tide series by Anthony J Melchiorri
Who is your favorite author? I don’t have one, but my favorite book is a horror novel from the 80s called “Little Brothers” by Rick Hautala
What are your religious beliefs?  Buddhist Pagan…. Buddhist like as in an adjective, Pagan as the noun.
What is your favorite musical instrument?   Cello
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?   Orange Vanilla Swirl (but only if there’s Cheetos Puffs on hand), although the Blue Bunny brand of Bunny Tracks comes a really close second.
What is your favorite physical activity? Sex? Swimming.
What is your favorite way to pass the time?   Creating
What was your favorite subject in school?   English, especially the creative writing classes.
Did you go to college?  I sure did. For nearly four years… but, I didn’t finish.  Life happened.
What was your favorite tv show as a kid?   Z had these videos of this show from the 70s called “Land of the Lost“.  They were SO COOL.
Are you afraid of heights?   Not at all.
Are you high maintenance?   I want to say no, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer is actually yes.  Fortunately, I have an amazing partner who loves it when I’m needy.
Are you more inclined to build your own empire or unleash the potential in others? Unleash the potential in others.  I don’t want to rule over anything, because that just sounds miserable.
If you had more courage in your life, what would you do differently right now?  Courage isn’t something that I’m particularly lacking in, I don’t think.  Time and money, on the other hand…
What is the weirdest thing you’ve seen?   Road Rage
When did you have your first kiss?   Fifteen?  I gave (and received) my first BJ a good deal of time before I ever experienced my first kiss.
If you could be a Disney princess, who would you choose to be? LOL… Hmm. I’m going to say Aurora because… who doesn’t want to have THREE fairy godmothers?
Do you have a collection?   God yes.   I have a large collection of tarot/oracle/lenormand/affirmation decks. There are also crystals, candles, beads, jewelry supplies, finished jewelry pieces, houseplants, books, pliers, videos (I never watch), teas in the cupboard, paper punches (mostly in different sizes of round)… yeah, lots of collections.
What is one odd thing about you?   I’m allergic to lemons
What is your greatest dream?   financial stability
Do you sing in the shower?   No, although I do sometimes lip-sync or dance in the shower.
Where is your favorite place to shop in the mall?  Spencer’s Gifts.  Do they have those anymore?  I haven’t been to a mall in probably over a decade or more.
Where is your favorite place to eat?   Denny’s… I have a thing for pancakes.

I actually found a few of the questions in this a little difficult to answer.  It was a fun quiz, but took a little extra time to complete because I had to mull over some of the questions before coming back at a later date to answer them.

 

Write It Down!

/ Twist the Leaf / 1 Comment

Today’s meditation was ten minutes and thirty seconds, and focused on the frenetic energy we ride within ourselves on the day to day, and how important it is to be aware when we are on that particular “ride” so that we can take a step back and hope off now and then.

I liked the title of the theme, which was “City Energy”, as I think that fits really well.   When we are in a hurry or even just going about our day to day, sometimes we are connected with an energy that is very much like a busy city.  There’s so much going on in our minds that it sets us on a path of higher adrenaline, and thus we react with physical strain (increased heart rate and breathing, higher blood pressure, etc) and the eventual fatigue both mentally and physically that can be the result.

Today’s meditation was an encouragement to pay attention to these times and, when they occur, take a moment to slow down and breathe, and settle yourself before moving forward.  This frenetic energy may -make- you feel as if you are getting things done at a faster pace or accomplishing more, but in truth it usually isn’t.   By calming yourself, a lot of times it gives you the focus needed to move along at a quicker and more thorough pace without the adverse mental and physical effects.

Two of Pentacles Today’s draw is my old friend, the Two of Pentacles, which is a representation of balance, duality, cooperation, partnerships, and division in the area of finances, resources, and the physical world.

I want to pause here to explain what I mean by “the physical world”, as this card is not just about money or resources.  This card touches on areas pertaining to the earth (both as an element and the planet), and also upon areas such as hearth and home, as well as the manifestation of things brought into the world such as ideas being brought forward into reality.

I think that’s an important distinction to make in today’s draw because today’s card is more about manifestation than money or resources.

Today’s appearance of the Two of Pentacles is a reminder to WRITE SHIT DOWN!! Ideas need to be written down, otherwise the clutter up the mind and never get done.  When they are written down, they then become something tangible that can be worked with and juggled rather than something lingering in the brain, flitting in and out, but never quite making it to the point of manifestation.

I have not been writing ideas down of late, and… yeah.   This is my reminder to stop cluttering up my brain and write it all down already!

Deck Used: Student Tarot v5