Kaleidoscope (Part 1)

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I’m going to ask you now, to yet again…tell me about the anger. Not just acknowledging it, but explaining it. Listing the reasons and expanding on them…digging into them. I need to know the depth of this anger, I need to know why it’s still there, why I can’t reach it to make it better. – Gideon 26Aug2017

My anger and pain are blended like a kaleidoscope, filled with a myriad of colors and shapes that run into each other like spilled paint.  Each needle-like jab of pain endured created a singeing sear of anger.  In some cases, the anger never burned itself out.  In other cases, the pain is still there, still feeding the burn.  It makes me wonder if it’s the anger that’s the issue… or the pain.  Maybe its both.

Regardless, the colors in my kaleidoscope include the following:

  • Abandonment
  • Taking Up the Reigns
  • Lack of Support
  • Baby the Babysitter
  • Drown and Drop Neglect
  • Reciprocation Issues
  • The Almighty Cling

Everything feels like too big of a project right now.   Starting a list, just on its own, felt like a monumental struggle.  So, I am going to expand on each of these a little at a time, chipping away at each and adding more if additional points come up along the way.

One thought on “Kaleidoscope (Part 1)

  1. It’s time to finish your list, love.

    We still need to work on releasing that anger and resentment that you feel for me, yeah?

    I know it’s a struggle, man, but getting in touch with those feeling, getting them out in the open so that they can be lanced and treated..healed..is a really important step for us.

    I understand why you are angry, even resentful. I even understand what I think may be a need to unconsciously “punish” me for all that pain that you’ve endured and I’m okay with that. You deserved so much more than you got from me during that time and there is no way that I can ever really express just how much I loathe that I put you through all of this.

    My depression wasn’t a choice, love. It was a rough time in my life, I’d lost so much and the potential to lose even -more- was always there lurking. It was something I had to work through, a process I had to endure to be me again…

    -This-, is a choice. Trying to help you through your feelings caused by my depression. This is a choice. Not because I enjoy your pain, we both know that it cripples me to know I hurt you. Not because anyone or anything is forcing me…it’s because I love you. Because your feelings are valid and important to me always. Fixing this is a choice and yet there is no choice to make…I love you. Enduring your anger and resentment, shouldering your pain and accepting the fault of it all…that is my choice. Doing my damnest to make it better, to alleviate the pain and ease away the resentment. You…you are my choice man.

    I love you, beautiful boy.

    Like

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