Prompt: “Think back to 5 major events in your past. For each event, draw a card to represent what your past self from that time needs your present self to understand. Lay down that card, then go through your deck and select a card to indicate the message you would want to give your past self who was in the midst of that.”
Event – Father’s Degradation
Summary – I spent the majority of my childhood hearing how (due to my preferences) I wasn’t good enough, how I was a disappointment and a source of shame for my family, and my father encouraging others in my extended family to dole out the same.
What the Past Self Needs To Say – Four of Hearts – “It hurts, and I want to disregard what’s being said and leave it behind me, but I feel like it will always be there lingering in the background.”
What I Want To Say To Them – Strength – You are stronger and more sure of yourself, who you are and what you want, because of this. Yes, the experience will carry forward with you into the future, but it will become a part of the building blocks that create the man you become. A man that’s strong and agile, confident and compassionate.
Event – SemiTruck Accident and Recovery
Summary – Early in my 17th year, I was in a car accident where I was in the passenger seat of a car when it was t-boned by a semi-truck. The impact damaged a large number of joints and bone structure on the right side of my body. I then went through multiple surgeries to repair/replace what was damaged, physiotherapy, and a stint at a pain clinic.
What the Past Self Needs To Say – Eight of Spades – “Don’t forget me. Don’t forget how hard I worked to recover. Don’t turn a blind eye and undo all that I worked for.”
What I Want To Say To Them – The Hanged Man – You taught me what I needed to move on. Your strength and knowledge gained during this time of pain and recovery helped me see the world differently. This doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you, but that this experience is threaded through my life from now on. It can’t be lost, or forgotten.
Event – Ex’s Attack
Summary – An ex friends-with-benefits that I broke up with due to his developing meth addiction stalked me and eventually broke into my home one evening to attack and sexually assault me.
What the Past Self Needs To Say – Ten of Spades – “The most painful ending of all. It still hurts, even if you’ve moved on… my feet still bleed in the snow.”
What I Want To Say To Them – Wheel of Fortune – You made the right choices for your health and happiness at the time. What happened was not predictable and is not your fault. He is in prison now, and you’ve moved on. This too will pass, it’s just going to take more time.
Event – Blood Moon Betrayal
Summary – The word “pissant” is hands down my least favorite word in the English language. Essentially, Gideon and I had a group of friends who it was anonymously revealed to me really only wanted Gid and were making fun of me behind my back while plotting how to keep Gid and get me out of the picture. These were people I liked and trusted and the betrayal damaged the optimism I had for human nature as a whole, ripping youthful naivety from me in one vicious eyeopening moment.
What the Past Self Needs To Say – Five of Diamonds – “This still hurts. The experience feeds into those ‘less than’ feelings that rise up now and then.”
What I Want To Say To Them – The Star – You are still healing and working on building up your faith in others. Just remember not everyone is the same. There really are good people out there. Promise.
Event – Home Invasion
Summary – The ex friends-with-benefits mentions above convinced a “friend” of his to come pay me a visit. The fight involved ended up with me destroying his kidneys with an ice pick, permanently losing my voice when he tried to cut my throat, and having a near death experience on my kitchen floor.
What the Past Self Needs To Say – Ace of Spades – “I see the world in a new light, one filled with danger and potential for violence.”
What I Want To Say To Them – The Hierophant – I am using this experience as a lesson. It taught me to be safer and more aware of the world around me. I’ve consulted home defense and self defense experts, and I will continue to seek new knowledge and better ways to further the safety of myself and my home.
Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was one of the guided meditations from the Calm app, which I chose not to do the timed piriformis stretches with because I was wearing a pair of jeans that was a bit restrictive in the hips. I decided to do them later in the day instead of half stripping just to get my meditation done.
Twisting the Leaf 