Healing the Past

IMG_8005Today’s meditation was just over ten minutes long and was accompanied by my regular interval timer for my piriformis stretches.

To be honest, I barely remember what the guided part of the meditation was about.  I wasn’t paying enough attention apparently, but then… that’s okay I think as long as I was meditating.

I vaguely remember it had something to do with self-competition.  But… I just don’t remember.  I liked the quote, though, so I included the graphic anyway.

Witches Tarot by Ellen Dugan - Six of CupsToday’s draw is the Six of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of nostalgia and memories that lighten the heart and stir up fondness and emotion.

There’s a sweetness to this card’s traditional meaning that always makes my heart melt just a little bit.   Not that it always appears to hearken back to good memories, but just that the imagery is so often just… sweet.  And, this card is no different.

It’s probably not surprising that what stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of this card today is the flowers.  The flowers in the cups look like Dianthus barbatus, which is a type of carnation.  One of the major meanings associated with carnations is healing, and in fact, tea made from carnations can be used to treat nervousness and anxiety, as well as fever, stomach aches, skin ailments when applied topically as well as an anti-inflammatory.

Right so I’m waxing poetic on carnations.  The thing is, it has many, many uses besides what I listed above, all of which are gentle healing uses.   And it is in that gentle healing that I find my message today.

The message of today’s card is about my past, and it’s about the harshness I’ve experienced in my past.  It’s a reminder that it’s okay to let go of these things and focus on the good instead.  It’s okay to find the good and let it help in healing the wounds that harshness inflicted on my inner self.  It’s time to take a breath and let go of these harsher experiences.


#DiscordTarotolicsDec2020 Challenge Prompt
: What aspects of my life could benefit from some grounding and centering?

Goetia Tarot in Darkness

Reading Summary:   Finding those aspects of joy in the journey (The Sun) as you explore new ways to look at money and stability (Page of Pentacles). Remember that this shit takes time (Seven of Pentacles) and you need to hold fast instead of becoming impatient searching for another way (Six of Swords Rx).

Take Away: Impatience is definitely an issue for me, and one that I struggle with.  Not that I’m impatient with others, but with myself?  Absolutely.  The thing is, I keep seeing these glimmers of a new way to look at things and a new way to handle things…. glimmers that flicker in and out of the peripheral of my understanding.  I want them to come into focus NOW, even as I understand that this growth is going to take time.  The centering is in that understanding.  The grounding is in staying the course instead of giving up.


Positive Memories

I’ve managed to fall behind yet again… and I can’t remember whether I meditated on the 24th or not. So I’ll leave this empty this time around as I finish up these posts that got started… but never published on the blog.

Traditional Manga Tarot - Six of CupsToday’s draw is the Six of Cups, which traditionally is a representation of the emotions that circle around topics of nostalgia and looking back into the past and embracing the joy and innocence that often comes with childhood memories and remembering past relationships.

What really stands out to me in the imagery of this card today is how much gold there is in the picture.  A golden glow seems to enshroud the entire scene, casting it alight in warm hues.

The message her is a reminder to keep your attention focused on the positive when you take a wander down memory lane.  Don’t allow yourself to stray off the path into the dark woods, but rather stay in that golden glow of warmth and positivity.


#DiscordTarotolicsNov2020 Challenge Prompt
: Advice I need to hear at this time concerning my personal growth.

Edmund Dulac TarotReading Summary:  You’re going to pay for it (Justice) if you don’t allow yourself some rest (Four of Coins) and keep striving for a positive perspective during this busy time (The Star).  It won’t last forever (Eight of Cups).

Take Away: The holiday rush is a really difficult time for me on a number of different levels.  The reminder here that it doesn’t last forever is a good one, but doesn’t excuse not getting enough rest or allowing yourself to fall into those darker negative inner dialogues that can often drag you down.  Personal upkeep, but on a physical level and an emotional one are no less important now than any other time of year, just harder to fit in for a brief amount of time.


You’ve Got This

IMG_7087Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and was a guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretches.  The topic of today’s guided meditation was suppressing and ignoring emotions.

This is a topic that I have a good deal of experience in.  Although I disagree with part of what was said (ie: that you cannot bury your emotions for long, just as one example), I do agree with the overall message that it is healthier to deal with your emotions than bury them.  I also agree that, while you probably can’t bury your emotions forever.  You can bury them for a hell of a long time. But I think that to do it for an entire lifetime might cause a great deal more harm than good.

The method of dealing with difficult and unpleasant emotions that is mentioned in this meditation, was to step aside and examine them as an observer, then return to deal with them.  Although I think that this might be a good method for a lot of people, I think that “stepping aside” like that for me?  Would be just too close to stepping away instead.  Too tempting to distance myself and then say “fuck it” and push them aside.

Tarot of Haunted House - Six of CupsToday’s draw is the Six of Cups, which is traditionally a representation of nostalgia and childhood memories. 

As is hinted at in the word “nostalgia” above, this card usually deals with positive memories that bring someone pleasure or joy to bring up to the surface. 

What stands out to me the strongest in the imagery of today’s card is a combination of the warm purity provided by the shades of white and gold, combined with the two figures in the center.   Today, when I look at this card, I see the woman handing a cup of flowers to the girl…. but I see them as the same person.   The young child and the woman different ages of the same woman as she looks back on a beautiful golden memory of her past, and the child reaches forward into the beautiful dreams of a future moment.

Together, these two figures bathed in the golden glow of hopes and memories, remind us that dreams can come true, even those idealistic ones we have as children and forget about as an adult. And when you accomplish a dream you hold close to your heart?  It’s time to pause and look back at where you started and feel a fissure of pleasure.


LionHart’s #TheOctoberTarot #SeasonOfTheWitchChallenge Prompt
: What magickal cycle is this New Moon in Libra kicking off?

Dark Mansion Tarot

Reading Summary: Balancing your new emotional growth (Ace of Cups), with the work ahead (Eight of Pentacles) is something that you have all the tools in your arsenal in order to do (The Magician).

Take Away:  Okay, so I’ve managed to accept that I don’t have to lock my emotional growth away to protect it during the holiday rush, but that hasn’t really meant that I’ve come to understand how I’m going to balance them.  The magical cycle this new moon in Libra is kicking off for me is about finding that balance and learning that I’m more than capable of doing this.

The cards are essentially saying, “You’ve got this.”


#DiscordTarotholicsOct2020 Challenge Prompt
: What do I need to focus on for self care this new moon?

Tarot ZReading Summary: Take that unfounded worry and despair that you’re feeling (Three of Swords), and surround it in your drive and ambition (Knight of Wands), eagerness and enthusiasm (The Fool).

Take Away:  This is a carry over from today’s Lionharts reading I did earlier, where I was worrying over how I’m going to balance my emotional journey and the holiday rush over the next ten weeks.  In that reading it told me that I have the tools and abilities at my disposal to balance these things. 

Here in this reading, we then see what these tools are and what to do with them.  The cards are indicating that the only thing holding me back are my own doubts, uncertainties, and thoughts of failure.   If I want this to work, I need to let go of these things and allow myself to get swept up in the enthusiasm.   Instead of wading into the surf one inch at a time… dive right in and adjust on the fly.


#MysticStarChallenge October Challenge Prompt
: What lesson would my Spirit Guides like to bring to my attention at this time?

Halloween Spirit Tarot

Reading Summary:  The topic is about balancing work life and personal life/self care.  The figure in the imagery of the Two of pentacles points an arrow through the disk at the top of the Star and the World, indicating that these two cards are my target.   The other two cards are both “end of a journey cards” indicating a choice to move from an old way of doing things to something new.

The message here is that I need to remember that the shit I’m walking away from wasn’t that good (Eight of Swords atop The Star).   I have an opportunity now to move on from that more harmful way of doing things to something better (The World atop the Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  My spirit guides want to remind me of what my target is, and that I’m in the process of transitioning between the unhealthy way I was doing things and this new healthier balance.   These cards are a reminder to help me stay on track and not fall back into my old way of doing things.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: Do I have a spirit animal? If so, what qualities does it possess?

Halloween Magick Tarot - Nine of SwordsAnswer:  Don’t worry about it at this time. 

I didn’t draw the additional cards concerning what qualities the spirit animal might possess, because the Nine of Swords came up when I asked if I have a spirit animal.

The message is clearly that now’s not the time to be worrying about this, and to be honest?  I’m fine with that.

I have a lot on my plate at the moment and am just starting to occasionally feel the differences between my intuition and messages from my spirit guides.   There’s no need to over-complicate things by delving into the whole animals/humans/spirits/ghosts/ancestors side of things right now. 


The Spill

IMG_3410Today’s meditation was just under ten minutes long and focused upon finding your inner “home” within yourself.

The meditation reminded me of when I was little and when things were especially rough with my father and the man would make me cry or feel especially miserable, how I would curl into myself and had this mantra in my head that played over and over.

“I want to go home.”

The thing is?  I was home.  And yet those are the words that would repeat again and again when I was at the peak of being worked up and upset and crying.   “I want to go home. I want to go home.”

I didn’t understand what this really was about until a few years ago, when I realized that I no longer long for some illusive “home” and when I get upset I do not reach for some place else.  I reach for you.  I reach for myself.  I take comfort in these things and in the trees and the woods and the soil.

I found my home, even though I didn’t even realize I was looking for it.

Six of Brine - Six of Cups - Stolen Chlid TarotToday’s draw is the Six of Brine (aka Six of Cups) which is traditionally a representation of the feelings that emerge and bonds that form through history, memory, and reminiscing on the past.

What I see in this card today has nothing to do with traditional definitions, though.  It has to do with having an open heart instead of closing yourself off.  It has to do with vulnerability and the sharing of not just hopes and dreams but also one’s struggles and burdens.   I see this in the eruption of water from within the chest of the center figure.  That eruption turns into a maelstrom of emotion shared with all of the animals in the periphery.

The message here is that I need to let my vulnerability spill out.  I’m in subdrop and holding in those emotions and sensations is not going to help me get through this any faster or easier.  I need to allow myself to spill out and make a mess (with you, of course… not with everyone) so that I can breathe easy once more.


#TarotForGrowthApril Challenge Prompt
: How can I continue that change towards the positive? (built off yesterday’s cards)

Lilli White Tarot

Reading Summary: Allow myself to jump over hurdles rather than focusing upon them (Eight of Wands).  Look forward and focus on your work (Eight of Pentacles), allow your inner strength to support you in these endeavors (Strength) and, when you need to take a little time for yourself?  Do it (The Hermit).

Take Away:  It’s okay to not feel guilty about needing a little alone time, especially when I’m being exposed to constant contact with others on a continuous basis with no end in sight for the moment.   I need a little bit of alone time to stay healthy both mentally and emotionally.  That’s okay.  The fox speaks of taking a leap over hurdles.  He moves forward, bounding over what lies in his path instead of focusing upon it and letting it get in the way.   The bee and the lion show me where my strengths lie, and where my focus is best spent.  Work on what I’m good at and creates a sense of well-being and progress… leave the rest for now.


#DiscordTarotholicsApr2020 Challenge Prompt
: Trolley Problem… Do you divert the course of nature and let one person die to save five strangers? Or let nature take its course and let five people die?

Maruco Animal TarotReading Summary: Despair no matter the choice (Five of Pentacles), followed by taking a moment to calm (Temperance), and then a moment of weighing choices to see if there is a way to save them all (Seven of Wands).  And then concede to my practical nature (King of Pentacles), shutting off my emotions (Four of Cups).

Take Away:  I pull the lever.  By a purely mathematical standpoint, the loss of one is better than the loss of five.  Thus, I would mitigate the damage by pulling the lever to divert the train away from the five and toward the one.

I found it interesting that the cards chose to take me through a tour of my mental and emotional reactions, prior to bearing down to the point.   This deck in particular seems to like to do that “in depth meandering” before getting down to the point.

Just as a side note… I posed this question as being that all six of those involved were strangers. It changes the balance if there’s someone I know and care about involved. I’m okay with that possibly making me a horrible person.


#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
: What makes me feel confident?

Considerate Cat Tarot

Reading Summary:  The knowledge that no matter the choices set before me (Seven of Cups) or the history I had to overcome (Six of Cups)…. the end comes eventually (Ten of Swords).

Take Away:  My confidence in life comes from the fact that I have survived so much and I accept that pain is a part of life.  Each struggle and trial I go through, I know will come to an end eventually.  It might hurt to get there.  I might get knocked on my ass and battered and bloody along the way.  But eventually, the end will come and I’ll have a chance to pick my ass up and move forward from it, stronger for what I’ve survived and prepared to take what I’ve learned into the future and use that knowledge to do better.


#MidnightTarotChallenge Prompt
Question: What holds me back from reaching my fullest potential?


Reading Summary: Sometimes I get distracted by what looks like the perfect solution (The World) when really it’s a false promise that (The Devil), when discovered, can send me into an emotional slump (Five of Cups).

Take Away:  I think this is probably true for everyone.  It’s that “grass is always greener” feeling or the “fear of missing out” feeling.  We all become distracted in this way from time to time.  The problem is with how I react to that distraction once I realize its foolishness.   Instead of accepting the setback and moving forward, my emotions get involved and I become down on myself and my choices.  That self abuse leads to a slow slide into a negativity pit that just ends up setting me back even further.


Transitioning Into Self Care

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and focused on acknowledging your feelings rather than allowing yourself to close them off and distancing yourself from them.  This is a topic that is very relatable to me, as I spent pretty much the first two decades of my life doing just that.  And honestly?  Until I met you, that was okay and worked well for me.

It truly is the truth, that saying about ignorance being bliss, because I didn’t know what I was missing and I thought I was just fine.  I didn’t realize that by submerging and boxing away my emotions I was dampening my intuition and blinding myself to a variety of experiences.

Even after over a decade of you tearing down those walls and breaking apart the boxes that held all that from view out of my awareness, I can honestly say that a lot of emotions are still… weird for me.  Uncomfortable.  Awkward.  Even unpleasant.  I don’t mean unpleasant emotions, but that even the pleasant ones can sometimes be unpleasantly uncomfortable.   Still, I have no intention of returning to my old way of doing things.  Instead, I’m going to continue moving forward into finding a different way to deal with and process these emotions that are so often still unfamiliar feeling and awkward.

Ostara Tarot Today’s draw is a double without a jumper, meaning that both cards came out of the deck together as one.  The cards in today’s draw are the Empress and the Six of Cups.

Together these cards speak to me about the transition that is currently in the process of taking place in my life as the holiday rush comes to an end and the time to return to caring for my needs and nurturing myself comes back to the forefront.

During the holiday rush, my self care kind of goes to the wayside.  And, although I can say that I have done better at self care this year during the rush than I have in the past?  I can also admit that a lot of my need, necessities, emotions, and just so much of the more rounded aspects of life as a whole have had to be pushed to the side to make room for the constant focus I had to put on work during the past six weeks.

With the Empress over top of the Six of Cups, there is a communication here about returning to a more nurturing and balanced focus and energy as the chaos of the holiday rush eases into a relaxed energy and speed.


Bonus Reading – #TarotForGrowthDecember

Question: What positive impact did others have on me this year?

Anima Mundi Tarot

Reading Summary: Focusing more on my own interests and education (Queen of Swords) as well as my own needs and self care (The Empress).  Encouraged to find a new path with my passions and interests (Hierophant and Three of Wands), and to entertain a greater scope of new perspectives in times when I feel like closing myself off and pulling inward (Hanged Man).

Take Away:  At the beginning of the year I went through a severe depression that created a need for self-care that I really wasn’t that enthusiastic about, as well as a need to close myself off and shrink inward that I was definitely very enthusiastic about.  With the help of others, I was able to turn this around and found myself far more open than I have been in the past, not just to caring for myself and my needs, but in listening to myself and my emotions.  At the same time, by helping me to resist closing myself off, I felt myself open back up to others and their perspectives as the depression receded, rather than trying to continue to protect myself by staying detached and cloistered away.


Inner Strength and The Past

Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and was not a guided meditation.  Instead I put on some YoYoMa and settled in to a lazy body scan that started at the top of my head and worked slowly down to the bottoms of my feet.   I then switched over to a few minutes settling into sounds as had been practiced in a previous guided meditation.

On the whole, it was very relaxing.

Six of Cups - Dark Mansion Tarot Today’s draw is the Six of Cups, which I pulled an intuitive hit off of that deals with taking some time to not just examine my memories, but appreciate how my past has created who I am today and the life I have.

This is something that I think a lot of people take for granted.  I personally never wish that anything I’ve experienced had happened differently.  I’ve gone through a good deal of bad experiences, and a significant amount of trauma.  But, each of these things in my past has made me into the man I am to day, and I am proud of the man I am today.

Yes, I am hard on myself, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel I have good ethics and good moral values, and that I follow those guidelines and live them every day.   I am also very happy with my life.   Yes, things could be better… but they could also be a lot worse.  One small change to my past and my experiences, and maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now.  Maybe I wouldn’t have a wonderful partner, a loving sister, a trusted friend.  Maybe I wouldn’t be in a stable home that I’ve created for myself.

So when looking back at your past and experiences, be sure to remember that these things are a part of what make you who you are.  Without them, you might have turned out to be an entirely different person in an entirely different position… and not necessarily a better one.

Deck Used: Dark Mansion Tarot

Bonus Reading

Another #TarotForGrowthOctober prompt.

Question: How can I better navigate through fear?

Ludy Lescot Tarot Reading Summary:  Sink into your inner strength (Strength card) and value the trials you have gone through and recovered from (Ten of Swords), and you will find yourself in a better place to deal with what comes (Nine of Pentacles).

Take Away:  This is a continuation of the daily draw from above, which surprisingly fits in really well with the question for today’s challenge. (Surprisingly because I wasn’t expecting them to correlate.)

The fact is that I am strong.  My strength is built up over all of the things I have survived and moved on from, whether that’s my father and family’s treatment of me growing up, the attacks I have survived through, the car crashes I have been in, the cancer and treatments for it, and the physical damages from everything I’ve mentioned that I have sustained along the way.   All of these things have built up my strength, and taught me how to survive and thrive in difficult (or seemingly impossible) circumstances.

I am proof that you can survive through things you did not believe were possible, and I’m proof that you can adapt to the changes that these experiences create, and learn to thrive because of and despite them.   Remembering this when fears get the best of me is how I can (as the question asks) better navigate through that fear.

Deck Used: Ludy Lescot Tarot