As with my new moon and full moon readings that I do for myself each month and used to put into my physical journal, this is a spread that I do at the end of each month to close out the month and I’ve decided to move it over to here as well.
Individuality – Two of Hearts – At this moment in time you are feeling a bit of a tug of war going on between the solitary glide of individuality and the need to connect and spend more time with Gideon. This constant push and pull taps into and saps a lot of energy and is taking a lot of your focus currently as you try to navigate through the habits so ingrained within you and the changes you manifest in your life.
Dependence – Jack of Hearts – You are currently struggling with becoming more at home with the new level of emotions you are experiencing. Those bad habits of individuality loom in the background, making the integration of these efforts more of a struggle than you were prepared for.
Creativity – Two of Clubs – You seek direction and warmth. You want to incorporate the warmth of emotion into your life more fully and you seek a direction that will allow you to do that while still finding a work/home balance that can allow room for both.
Limitation – Three of Spades – Negative thoughts are creating a sense of opposition and negative influence at this time. There’s a sense of “this isn’t going to work” whispering in the back of your mind and a worry that things will fall apart if you don’t “do as you’re told” by the inner critic that’s whispering in your ear.
Change – Nine of Clubs – You are aware of that inner critic’s voice and are not just blindly following it as you have in the past. You’ve had time to prepare your defenses against those whispers, and although you cannot completely block them out, you are able to take them with a grain of salt.
Sympathy – Three of Diamonds – Disappointments from the past have crashed over efforts to make this transition before. You were taught that its important to hone your skills and use them to progress, and not to lollygag on silly things that add no monetary or physical value. This is why you turn your hobbies into a business. This constant drive has the ability to crash over and wash away the progress you have made if you let it.
Luck – Queen of Spades – When I was thirteen or perhaps fourteen years old, my mother and I refinished an old cedar chest during the summer. I’d never done woodworking before, and I can’t say that I was particularly good at it. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s since refinished that chest again a second time, because…. I really wasn’t all that good at it. But even without the skills to do a great job, I really enjoyed the task. I enjoyed the process and the time spent with my mother away from my father’s constant bullshit. The relevance here to my current situation is that I need to find those things that give me that sense of pleasure and accomplishment…. free of my inner critic’s constant bullshit.
Power – Two of Spades – The emotions are coming… and they’re going to fuck with your head. This issue is entirely preventable if you make the choice to do something about it. Move those books off the bottom shelf or two, reorganize what you’re doing and how you have things set up so that when the water rolls in, it doesn’t damage the mind on the way through.
Responsibility – Jack of Diamonds – Finding a piece of peace will take some patience, but it is attainable. Remember that if you want this, you have to create space for it. It won’t just happen, just as the waves of the sea will never stop crashing upon the shore. At the same time? This type of change is a process that takes time, so allow yourself some room and don’t get impatient.
Message from Spirit World – Stay steady and calm. You’ve come a long way but still have a long way yet to go. It’s okay to take things slow, as long as you also prepare for a few stumbling blocks to crop up along the way.
Message from Mind’s World – Melding your old way of doing things into the new way you want to do them is not about abandoning one for another. It’s about finding a balance that allows for both.
Message from Known World – Stop allowing your father’s voice such free reign in your head. So much of that inner critic you deal with comes from him and his values and his ideals. You already know those were flawed, so turn your attention in a different direction that is more to your own values and ideals rather than trying to continue to live up to his.
Today’s meditation was ten minutes long, and focused upon mindfulness in everyday behavior. That is to say… paying attention to your impulse reactions and considering whether they are serving you and your goals or not.
Twisting the Leaf 