Today’s meditation was ten minutes long and was a quiet non-guided meditation with interval timer for my piriformis stretches. I really just needed a little peace, and I felt that the guided meditation, or even a bit of music, would feel like a bit too much over-stimulation.
What stands out to me in this card is the position of the hand that is holding the knife. In this position, it is poised to press down and slice which indicates to me that this is a prime position for suicide.
Not all new ideas are good ideas.
When I was younger I had a whole lot of suicidal ideation. In fact… I had a whole lot of suicidal urges. It wasn’t just ideas and it wasn’t just daydreams and it wasn’t just thoughts. It was an overwhelming urge that visited me again and again, whether I was in the middle of a clinical depression or not. It was something my brain would just not let go of, a longing I couldn’t seem to release.
I’d like to say that love was the answer to this issue, but it wasn’t. Things really changed for me when Prozac came into my life in my 20s, and slowly but surely, the urges began to fade… and then the thoughts followed suit.
Now, as I’ve aged, I’ve come to realize that my life is precious. I want to live a long life, and I want to enjoy every minute of it. And when the end comes, I’m going to be sad about that. These are the realizations that came and developed over time once the suicidal ideation was finally moved out of the way.
I can’t say that the suicidal thoughts don’t come back… because they do. Prozac helps keep me balanced and level, but it doesn’t prevent the occasional major depressive episode from sneaking in. During those times the world looks a lot different and the urges to end my life come back, and I have to remind myself that the depression is only temporary and an illusion. What I’m feeling at those times is a lie.
Not all new ideas are good ideas.
DECK USED: TAROT OF HAUNTED HOUSE
Reading Summary: This month I have learned that entertaining addictions (The Dark Lord) for too long leads to a deconstruction of stability and old values (The Tower). But, you can counteract that with patience and moderation (Temperance) which then leads to reigning in chaos to your advantage (Nine of Citadels atop Knight of Chaos).
Take Away: This isn’t only about deck collecting, which I need to slow down on for a bit as it is a bit of a drain on the finances. But there’s other addictions here too. Issues with eating unhealthy foods, with retreating into myself, skipping my meditations, and not getting the time in nature and exercise I need. All of these things boil down to the addictions and temptations that are, when allowed to go on too long unrestrained, unhealthy for me. At the top of this list is my self destructive urge, as well, and that is also a problem as it’s what drives so many of my other bad habits and allowances towards excess.
Moderation (which I admit is not my strongest of skills) is the key to the whole mess, of course. With moderation, I can then get a reign on that chaos so ready to run out of control and bring it to heel and benefit me instead of becoming destructive.
DECK USED: GRIM TAROCK
#DiscordTarotholicsOct2020 Challenge Prompt
Philosophical Question: Does one’s name influence the person they become?
Reading Summary: A name can absolutely be a factor in leading the way in one’s life (Eight of Cups), especially if someone is not secure in themselves and have stability in their life (Four of Wands). It’s something that we carry with us throughout our lives (The World). But ultimately, there is an uncountable number of factors that influence the people we become, and it’s just one of the many (Seven of Cups).
Take Away: A person’s name can influence who they become, but it is only one in a vast number of influences that make up the whole of a person’s development, and a rather small influence at that as long as the person has a good foundation beneath their feet and a solid surroundings and home life to lean into so that such things don’t take up too much of their focus.
DECK USED: LUDY LESCOT TAROT
#MysticStarChallenge October Challenge Prompt
Question: How do I nurture myself to strengthen my relationship with my Guides?
Reading Summary: Be kind with yourself (Queen of Cups), and pick a direction (Two of Wands) for your expertise to grow into (Eight of Pentacles). Keep hope alive in your head and heart, and work on your optimism (The Star).
Take Away: Nurturing myself with kindness and working on my optimism are repeating themes in my cards, and things that I truly need repeated reminders to keep up on. The center cards about picking a direction for my expertise to grow into is an interesting addition, and something I need to turn over in my mind for a bit. It’s good advice, it’s just not something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. I’ve so long been a man of many skills that picking an expertise and a direction… even while making excellent sense? Feels weird to consider.
DECK USED: CURIO TAROT
#ConnectWithYourDeckChallenge by E Roebuck-Jones
Question: What cards represent my spiritual best?
Queen of Spheres – Grounded and deeply rooted within that grounding. Filled with creativity and nurturing manifestation, the need to create and bring to life those things that are only thoughts is in my soul whether it is through the growth of plants, artistic pursuits, or the creation of jewelry.
Justice – My need for balance and fairness is an integral part of my moral compass. I know that life is not fair, but I also know that even if the only fairness in the world comes from me? I’m going to do my best to instill a level of fairness and balance into my life and, when possible, the lives of others as well. It is needed.
King of Swords – My knowledge is extensive and diverse, and I have the ability to inspire others to seek knowledge on what inspires their curiosity as well. Leading by example, I delve into any subject that draws my interest and my focus, and although I am willing to share that knowledge with others, I’m also very much interested in pushing others to explore on their own as well.